Too many partners too soon?

I'm 18, lost my virginity less than a year ago, and since then, have had sexual intercourse with 8 men, ranging in age from 18 to 25. I'm starting to feel bad about this. This week I had a 24 hour period where I slept with three different guys. (One early in the day, around 1am, one around 6pm and another one around 10pm) I feel like my behavior is getting out of hand. I feel like I remember reading somewhere that if someone had 5 or 6 partners in a calendar year that it would be considered promiscuous. I feel like by generally accepted moral standards that my behavior isn't okay. Sex just doesn't mean much to me. I don't really feel emotionally attached to most of these guys, and sometimes I feel like I just have to have sex to make the guy happy. Like once I had a guy friend help me when my car broke down, and he came on to me and I just felt like I owed him something. Overall I wouldn't say I'm very happy with my life, but I don't think I have sex because I think it will make me happy or because the guys will care about me -- I know they won't.. I don't really know why I do it. I almost never meet guys that don't just see me as a sexual object, and when I meet a nice guy, I think it's kind of weird. I think I might start seeing a therapist when I get back to college for spring semester but I'm not sure if I should talk about this with them? Is it really a problem? On the intake survey for counseling at my school, there is a checkbox for if I have a "sexual problem" would this be considered one?

I was sexually abused by a family member from ages 11-16, but I hate to be the person that blames everything on my sex abuse. I'm just starting to feel kind of guilty about my behavior, but I'm not sure if I can just stop...? I suppose to some extent it's really nice to be wanted, but at the same time, I hate feeling objectified.

It is not uncommon for some one who has been sexually abused to have a high demand for sex. Or to have the ability to have sex at random and have no real need for a relationship. I think this does count as a "sexual problem" as far as a survey is concerned. I would definitely mention it.

I to have sexual abuse from childhood issues. So if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. I didn't go the direction of needing sex often, I went the other way. I don't care much for sex at all.

Leaving the morality part out of it I'd say that if you are having sex with a lot of partners and it isn't because you enjoy it then yes, there probably is an underlying problem there. Hope you get a good therapist who can help you understand what's going on. In the meantime take care of yourself and make sure it's safe sex.

I do agree with Big Mama in that it may be broaching on problematic...it's not the sex itself being the issue, I don't think, but I am a concerned over your rationale. What I would suspect as a major underlying factor is your self esteem. A major signal of that to me was that you don't expect your partner to care about you, and that you find someone being generally nice to you to be strange You, in a sexual encounter, go in expecting nothing positive to come to yourself out of it and what seems like a sense of obligation to the other guy. That's not healthy to yourself Wend. You deserve better and owe yourself better.

I think seeing the school therapist would be a good idea. You don't have to mention any specific details that you don't feel 100% comfortable sharing, and there's no pressure. They're only there to help.

Going back to you, I think it's important for you to see the good in yourself. You deserve a guy who'll care for you for more than what you can do for them. What is it, speaking generally, is it about your life that makes you unhappy? Could you identify some things you could do to change that?

Speaking a little more bluntly, please don't feel obligated or that you owe sex to anyone. You don't, whatsoever. It's a kind gesture for him to help you with your car, but you don't owe yourself to him simply due to a kind gesture. You are, frankly speaking, worth more than a mere kind gesture.

Lastly, speaking to the SA, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if that influences your current day sexual behavior in at least some regard, as Big Mama suggested. I did want to extend this though: You should feel immensely proud of yourself for getting through it as you have. SA is one of the most heinous things one can inflict upon another. You being here and trying to improve yourself should speak volumes to yourself for your own inner strength and courage. If nothing else, be proud of yourself for the strength you've displayed. Things may not be perfect, but you're trying, which is sometimes the best we can do.

I would offer as well that anything I can do for you, I'm only a PM away. Please, know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and that I'm rooting for you.

Hugs,
Harley

Thank you all so much for being so supportive. I really appreciate knowing that there are several people I can talk to.

As for my unhappiness, I just always feel lonely and unfulfilled. I've always had one passion and I no longer enjoy it or have any desire to work at it anymore. I don't really enjoy anything. I have very few true friends and I tend to assume people don't like me. At college, my closest friend will pretty much be whatever guy I'm hooking up with that month. Normally these guys don't really treat me with respect the way I imagine things should be.

As far as self esteem, I always wonder... I do demonstrate a lot of behaviors that would be consistent with self esteem issues like this and the fact that I used to self harm, but I think I'm pretty... I guess more of my insecurities come from who I perceive myself to be as a person? I guess I always figured that because I'm pleased with my appearance (despite my scars from sh) that I couldn't really have a self esteem problem.

I'd seek a therapist. It's not so much #s concerning, but underlying attitude around sex and lack of intimacy. Not unusual for survivors of sexual abuse. There's a plethora of ranges, where 'shame', surrounding sex occurs. And the shame factor, isn't cut and dry. Having sex, to seem 'pleasing', or because of returning the favor, becomes a dysfunction. I'd get into therapy. Could, tie into your self harm days. Complex.



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A wise woman once told me that someone that has been sexually abused will either end-up sleeping with anyone/everyone, or will actively stay away from sleeping with anyone/everyone.

This reminds me so much of where I was at when I was your age. I slipped in and out of sheets with different men and really didn't know why. I knew that they only wanted me for one thing, and so I obliged and gave it to them. I'd been conditioned to this kind of behavior from my own experience with sexual abuse.

At the time, I couldn't explain the compulsion I felt to please men, but after I entered therapy, I realized that I had learned from the molestation to tie my self-worth into pleasing men... pleasing men meant not saying no.

If you are really concerned with your number of partners, only you can fix it. Try really focusing on self-fulfilling activities instead of engaging in thosr higher risk behaviors that can lead to the frequency of casual sex encounters and partners. Enter a poetry competition, work on getting art pieces displayed at a local gallery, offer to organize a meeting at work- anything that will give you a sense of identity without tying it to sex.

Be honest with others around you, too- I'm not saying tell every person around that you're looking to decrease your frequency in engaging in casual sex, but maybe tell a couple close friends how you're feeling and what your goal is and ask them to be a support system for you. When you're feeling lonely, contact a friend rather than searching for that validation in the arms of a man.

Lastly, for a survivor of sexual abuse, your behavior is NOT weird or even wrong. It is a completely normal way to respond. Don't worry if society thinks what you're doing is moral or not; the only reason to work on this issue is it is a problem in YOUR eyes and if you feel ready to tackle it.

You aren't alone in this, know that. There are so many people who have gone through what yoy have, and who are enduring it right along with you. There's strength in numbers.

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Well, self esteem encompasses a lot more than just physical appearance. Your self esteem entails everything you feel about yourself as a person, be it appearance, personality, or any other facet of what makes you you. If you think your insecurities come from your own self perception, I'd wager that's more than likely the cause.

That said, working on your self perception can help you greatly. Your self esteem is a hugely important part in your overall mental and emotional health. I can almost guarantee that your school therapist would be able to help you in that regard. Outside of that, try to make some friends that respect you for you. If you feel like these boys don't respect you, then I would submit to you that they simply aren't worth your time. You deserve to be treated with respect...that's a simple basic human courtesy. Having a bit of a support network will prove to be beneficial. And finding something to replace that passion of yours (or, perhaps better, reigniting the spark in that passion) could be helpful...what was it that ended your enjoyment for whatever passion that was? Burnout, perhaps? You might find it enjoyable again after a break from it.

I hope I was of some help. My PM offer still, of course, stands. I'll do everything I can to respond in a timely manner if you decide to take me up. With work for the next few days, my attendance here will be a little spotty, but I'll be checking in as I can. Yay smartphones.

Many hugs,
Harley

I didn't read everything, but I hope you are getting tested reguarily. Every three months when you have a lot of partners would be on the safe side. There are clinics that you can go to and get tested for free. You owe it to yourself to know you haven't contracted anything.

That is a point worth addressing that I had neglected to mention. Thank you.

Please do be safe Wend...you're young, and you've got a lot ahead of you. I would hate to see this result in anything that could derail what I hope to be a bright future for you. I wouldn't expect a total cold turkey while you work on this, but please, in the interim, be safe. Please?

I've taken an HIV test before but that was it. Wanted to share that I did a full std test earlier this week and I am std free!! I am really lucky because I've been in some really risky situations I'm not proud of. I'm working towards doing a lot better.

That is great to hear Wend. Certainly a plus.

We all, I think, have things we've done that we're not proud of, I myself being no exception. But don't let that stop you from trying to work to improve. I am happy to hear you are working on doing better...I've faith in you that you'll be just fine. I don't expect it to be a perfect process, but as long as you have the desire and will to improve, I know you will.

Thank you for the update. God is certainly keeping a close eye on you. Now all you gotta do is keep an eye on you.

Harley and others have covered a lot of ground, and I am just wondering as to your general ability to reason. Two examples:

1) You posted a long message about issues related to sex. And then at the end you wondered if you had a sex-related problem worth mentioning on the intake form. You also wondered if it is worth talking to a therapist. Well, if you have material that you feel is worth mentioning on a forum, it follows that those issues are important enough for you so you should indeed mention them to your future therapist. What else would you talk about with the therapist - the weather?

2) Harley mentioned that self-esteem is not confined to being satisfied with your appearance. This is a good observation, but you could have gotten there yourself. You are pretty and you know it, but you do not expect people to like you - that is enough to conclude that something is amiss, self-esteem-wise, because a confident and happy girl who is pretty, open-minded, interested in and respectful of people will be liked by a fair number of folks (nobody is liked by every person she encounters). And she should know it, right?

Someone noticed that you are putting too much importance on the # of partners and not on the quality of your experience, because it is the low quality of your sex life that is troubling. You did very well for yourself by posting as the responses covered everything including sti testing, but I would, in addition, review your reasoning skills to see why those blindspots occur to you (why you do not see obvious issues).

Good luck with that therapist -I hope you get a good one!

I go through something very similar. I have a really high sex drive that I would do whatever it could take me to have sex (eg. there could be a storm outside but I would travel really far or pay a cab just to get some). I would talk to many guys at the same time and have sex with whoever is down for it, sometimes they even invite their ugly friends over without telling me and get me drunk so I'll do them too because they don't care, has happened twice. I have had more than 20 partners and more than half of those I met in 2013. I feel the same way about knowing that they don't care about me but only difference is that I get too attached to them and get upset and cry when they don't talk to me and treat me like *****. My situation could be worst than yours but I was told here that there are ways to break out of this life style, we might be sex addicts and we can get help. I suggest you do talk to those people you mention because they could help you. Best wishes to you, you are not alone.

PS: I'm just 19 years old, male and all this started at 16, for me it has been WAY TOO SOON