at my wits end

I've been married for 10 years, dated for 3 before that. she's the first/only woman I've been with. 3 kids leaving is NOT an option, but neither is living like I have been.
it's hard for me to find the words here, so please bear with me.
when we were dating, our sex life was great, as a matter of fact, I couldnt get her to stop, I was worn out most of the time. she got pregnant and we bumped up our wedding date by 6 months. on my wedding night I came back for round 2 and she learned a new phrase "leave me alone, I'm tired". ever since then our sexual relationship has been the huge source of tension in our life. I feel cheated. she turned into a 1x a month quickie type I'm still a 2x a day level of sex drive. we've tried scheduling, I've tried doing all the sappy romantic crap, (which I really don't mind that much, until it's unnoticed and unappreciated). when we try to discuss our issues to find some sort of solution, she invariably begins screaming, two days ago she was literally stomping her feet while yelling at me, on the back porch for the neighborhood to hear nonetheless, I have done everything that she's demanded, suggested or hinted at and nothing seems to help, it's gotten to the point now that when she DOES initiate sex (she has to initiate, if I try to it's "pestering" even if I only try 1x in a day or two) I have trouble functioning because I am so depressed and stressed over our relationship. we tried counseling and she walked out on the second session when the therapist suggested that perhaps, maybe, it's NOT all the husbands fault. she accuses me of being a sex addict (I say I'm just a guy), but I've been faithful to her and don't even look at porn. I can't masturbate (doesn't work, weird huh),, and have hit scary levels of depressed at this point. she is completely unwilling to find a solution that doesn't involve my attempting to reach her ideal, and her moving the ideal further away as I fight toward it. I'm a guy, I need sex, I'm also the dumbass who actually wants feeling with it. I don't know how to get her to listen. don't know if anyone can get her to listen.
divorce is not an option
infidelity is not an option
porn is not an option
masturbation w/o porn is not an option
I need help and have no idea what to do, does anyone here have any suggestions? I know I ruled a lot of stuff out, but it's where my situation is.
thanks.

A person who walks out of a therapy session at the mere mention that she just might not be the center of the universe is not someone you can negotiate with, I am afraid. I know that infidelity is not an option nor would I suggest it, but I wonder if you have ever threatened her with anything, such as infidelity but maybe something else, and if so, what her reaction was. I am wondering because you have clearly tried all the peaceful tools and have exhausted them, so maybe you should start being less amiable and shake her notion that you are a permanent fixture in the house. She is clearly taking you for granted - that is for sure. A guy like you who wants sex with feeling no porn no infidelity willing to do the romance crap and the whole nine yards you describe is WORTH HIS WEIGHT IN GOLD on the marriage market. She is clueless and does not know it, but you should know it.

I went to Seattle in December. The weather was so dreary it cannot be described in words. I returned to California and since then, literally every time I go outside, I appreciate the shining sun and the tall blue skies. Before I went to Seattle, I didn't appreciate the weather but took it for granted. Your wife needs to go to Seattle of some sorts, but I do not know what kind...

This is what's throwing me for a loop. It's almost like it's one of those cases where she wanted to get married, but was only interested in the sexual side to get you to marry her. It's odd that it stopped like the night of the wedding. Also, her not wanting to be involved in the therapy sounds like there's something else going on. Like something bad happened to her in her childhood that she doesn't want to talk about and might be leading to intimacy issues.

Good catch with the exact timing, Webgoji. Indeed this looks like that proverbial case of a woman who uses sex to get hitched...

three years ago she, literally, chased me out of the house, I was gone for about a month, we worked it out (she actually admitted her part in it) and she swore things would change if I came home, they did, for a couple of months, then started sliding back to the same old status quo(sexually, she has started cleaning the house and we've had less occasions of her flipping out and screaming and starting a blowup in three years than we used to have in a month, not perfect but aside from the sex I could be happy).
I've withdrawn emotionally, didn't help
I've "cut her off" for a month (that worked, for a week, and just about killed me),
I've treated her like a goddess and I've treated her like a roommate, I just cant figure her out.
right now we're on a four day "sack of flour" schedule (that means she lays there like a sack of flour, gets pissed if I do ANY of the things that "turn her on",, and *****es because I take too long , and it's not what either of us want. I don't know what kind of "seattle" is left. physically, when she lets it, everything works fine, for both of us. I know I'm rambling, but am feeling as if I'm out of ideas :-/.
I should add that she's up and down w/depression, stay-at-home mom (her choice, I've BEGGED her to get a job, and overweight (not grotesque, but seriously, quit blaming it on the last kid, that was 3 years ago and 20lbs lighter) (really don't know how to approach that, but might be a factor?)

Well, if she *****es about your taking too long, you can take masking tape across her mouth. You would still hear sounds, but not words, so it would be like moaning, which would fit the occasion. Alternatively, a la greque with her face resting on a pillow and she could talk to the pillow about your taking too long. Further alternatives - a la greque again (doggie-style), with a tablet on the pillow and then she can watch a movie. Finally, she can go back to the floor sack position and talk on the phone with a girlfriend, unless you roar so much that it would interfere with the conversation. Finally, offer her to meditate in the floor sack position. Not ***** but meditate - I mean, why not kill two birds?

On a more serious note, does she do cardio? If she doesn't, offer to keep an eye on the kids to enable her to exercise (but not for weight loss - to get away, regain sanity, and hopefully dust off her libido).

I must say that with *****ing in bed she takes the prize for being the #1 proverbial wife-*****. She really deserves the gold medal. ..

I agree w/ Web, Something else is going on here. I'm not saying I am like your wife at all. But my H and I used to have sex every weekend. I loved him and that is what I thought I had to do to keep him around. It never dawned on me that i was setting us up for a life long habit of sex at least once a week.

Little did he know, I would cry after sex, almost throw up after sex, and had a real battle rageing inside of me to force myself to have sex every weekend. He had no idea, he thought I wanted to have sex all those times.

I had a history of childhood sexual abuse an rape as a teen that I never told him about. He again just didn't know. We went threw 18 years of him not knowing and countless arguments over sex.

Could something like this be going on here. Did she have sex to keep you because she loved you and now that she has you, well no more reason to put out to keep you. She still loves you but just doesn't put out as a way to show you.

Now that my H does know about the rape and my dislike of sex we do it once every other week. We are in marriage T, and she suggested we just stop doing it and see if that improved the relationship any. It made a huge difference. It forced me to be affectionate out of the bedroom and him to. It was totally up to me when we had sex and he wouldn't pester me for it or suggest it. He had to take care of his own needs. I must warn you, the poor guy he only got it once a month those first 2 months. I still struggle to have sex more them once in two weeks, but I am in the middle of working on rape and childhood sexual abuse.

The T also had me to agree not to have sex if I were going to dissociate during sex. No just being "a sack of flour". I don't have to be an active participant per say but at least stay present and be in the moment.

Just an idea. Each person is different and this might be way off, and I could be totally wrong. It is just another option to consider. I wish you the best of luck with this. I hope you resolve this issues soon.

Big Mama - OP's wife sounds like the opposite of you, personality-wise. I have read your posts over time and cannot picture you being demanding and unappreciative.

I feel sorry for you bud. Not the fact that your wife is not putting out more than you need her to, but you buzzing around a bee hive that has no honey for you, yet you bring in the honey.

My advice is to seek somewhere between your faithful marriage and infidelity. I am not telling you to cheat, cheating is when you fall in love with someone else, while in love with another. Is having sex with a total stranger cheating? It is when it compromises your commitments between you and your wife. In other words, sex without protection, impregnating another woman, anything that puts your financial situation at risk.

If your wife expects to give you sex once a month and at the same time, wants you to be abstinence from sex until whenever she feels like it, then she's being a total selfish *****. In reality, you cannot blame a man that seeks sexual satisfaction elsewhere when his woman is not putting out. By law, it's not right, and will put you on the disadvantage side. If that is what you're afraid of, then again, I feel sorry for you.

Honestly, go look for sex somewhere else and make sure whatever you do, whoever you do it with, it doesn't jeopardize the bonds you have with your family, be it your mortgage, your relationship with your children, your feelings and faithfulness towards your wife. It's sort of contradicts your faithfulness towards your wife if you're ****ing someone else right? Really, you're just getting what you need that your wife won't give. You're not loving someone else, you're not starting a family with someone else, you're not committing yourself financially with someone else. You just need to satisfy your sexual desire and that is that.

Anyways, I wish the best of luck for you.

Thank you hamster, I try very hard not to be demanding and unappreciative. Ill natured is just not in my personality style.