I can't deal with it. Years of therapy have not helped. I don't like being gay or celibate or asexual. I don't like gay sex. I don't fit in the gay community - it's very sexual and the sex and looking for it just makes me sad. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no choice but to find a gay cure. I need to be normal. I cannot deal with being different. I cannot take it anymore - the discrimination, the social expulsion, the deep deep sadness that consumes me.

[RTerroni]

I have been Asexual for some time but have slowly gotten used to it.

Do you think you may be a Gay Asexual.

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I have been Asexual for some time but have slowly gotten used to it.

Do you think you may be a Gay Asexual.

I've been trying that route and even attended an asexual group meeting. It didn't lead to the potential friendships I was hoping for. It seems there are very few asexuals. I was hoping for more of a community.

Originally Posted by unguy

I can't deal with it. Years of therapy have not helped. I don't like being gay or celibate or asexual. I don't like gay sex. I don't fit in the gay community - it's very sexual and the sex and looking for it just makes me sad. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no choice but to find a gay cure. I need to be normal. I cannot deal with being different. I cannot take it anymore - the discrimination, the social expulsion, the deep deep sadness that consumes me.

I'm not gay, Unguy. But I am an aging transsexual. I grew up at a time & in a place where such a thing would have been considered perverted at best & some type of sin against god. So I grew up feeling perverted & dirty. I learned to be secretive in all things. I developed major depression & generalized anxiety disorder. I developed self-harming behaviors. I have made several suicide attempts.

I've read any number of places that, if you're trans, you're trans for life. It doesn't go away. Given my life experiences I would have to say that I believe it. And, in fact, I would add that as a trans person reaches their mid-50's & 60's, if they haven't done anything about it, their "transsexual imperative" rekindles the way a new fire can flare up from hot coals left over from a previous fire. This is what has happened with me.

I've always read that being gay is also not something you can change. You mentioned that years of counseling haven't helped. I haven't had years of counseling. But I've seen a few different counselors over the years & none were helpful. So I think I understand what you're saying with regard to counseling too.

The bottom line for me is, I'm trans. I've always been trans & I'll always be trans. I basically have 3 choices: continue to live with it as I have all these years, proceed with some sort of late-life transition, or hit my delete button. Of course, openly transsexual people are as ostracized by society as are gay people... maybe more. And at this stage in my life, not enough could be done to make me look really feminine. I'd just look like an old man in a dress.

So, all of this is by way of saying, I don't know what to tell you. I'm afraid I don't know of a cure for either one of us. In my own case, I'm just resigned to living with it until I just can't stand it anymore, then...

I recently read, on PC, about something that I understand they teach in DBT called: um... radical acceptance, I think it was. This sounds about like what I try to create within myself. I try to simply accept my situation for what it is & keep going as best I can (which isn't very well I'm afraid.) I hope that sharing my story with you brings you some comfort &/or insight into your own.

[Frankbtl]

Hi unguy, I'd say that the problem isn't that there isn't a cure as much, as in my opinion, you don't need a cure. Whichever way you're going with your sexuality (gay or asexual) it's not a disease!! It's not "wrong" or something wrong with you!! And as for "normality", well I'd say that there are lots of different shades/colours of "normality".
Being different than another group in no way makes you inferior to them, it just makes you different. And I'd say that different can be good. And different doesn't mean that you can't "fit in" if that's what you want. I mean people shouldn't necessarily have to "fit in" to feel/be accepted/valued for who they are anyway.
You are right about there being discrimination out there, but that's other people's ignorance you really don't have to own it because there will equally be people who think you're great just the way you are.
As for wanting connections with people with the same sexual identity, well maybe firstly open-mindedly explore different online forums/support networks for people who are gay and for people who are asexual. And give it some time to see if you can identify with individuals and become clearer as to where your sexuality may lie. And then maybe get some support as to how you move on/feel better about yourself.
But either way, it is not a disease, it is you and there is nothing wrong with you!!
Alison

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi unguy, I'd say that the problem isn't that there isn't a cure as much, as in my opinion, you don't need a cure. Whichever way you're going with your sexuality (gay or asexual) it's not a disease!! It's not "wrong" or something wrong with you!! And as for "normality", well I'd say that there are lots of different shades/colours of "normality".
Being different than another group in no way makes you inferior to them, it just makes you different. And I'd say that different can be good. And different doesn't mean that you can't "fit in" if that's what you want. I mean people shouldn't necessarily have to "fit in" to feel/be accepted/valued for who they are anyway.
You are right about there being discrimination out there, but that's other people's ignorance you really don't have to own it because there will equally be people who think you're great just the way you are.
As for wanting connections with people with the same sexual identity, well maybe firstly open-mindedly explore different online forums/support networks for people who are gay and for people who are asexual. And give it some time to see if you can identify with individuals and become clearer as to where your sexuality may lie. And then maybe get some support as to how you move on/feel better about yourself.
But either way, it is not a disease, it is you and there is nothing wrong with you!!
Alison

Sorry. I am not cut out to be different. I need to be straight. I was active in the gay community for years. It was awful and did not lead to love or to functional friendships. I did not fit in and was ostracized. I will not go back under any circumstances. I need a cure. I want to be the person I've always wanted to be and that is straight.

[Hong Kong Fluey]

I cannot agree enough with what has already been posted. Our sexuality is something that is part of our humanity and if you are having problems accepting yours then that is something to work on.

My uncle is gay and now 71. He grew up gay here in the UK when it was still illegal to be gay, let alone 'frowned upon'. He was in his fifties before he truly embraced who he is and the last 15/16 years of his life have been the best.

You are you, be happy. Just because you are gay doesn't mean you have to accept the whole lifestyle? I am straight but I don't go to vars and pick up random women and I sometimes go to gay bars with a gay friend because I'm doing what I want to, to subscribing to a lifestyle. I pick and choose the elements I want in my life.

You are one of the most normal people I know, unguy ...

You are a child of this universe and you have a right to be here.

Just as you are.

Originally Posted by Pfrog

You are one of the most normal people I know, unguy ...

You are a child of this universe and you have a right to be here.

Just as you are.

No one wants miserable me. Even I don't want to be me.

Aww, unguy ...

I think it is so tragically sad that some of us end up so wounded by our life experiences that it impacts our ability to see ourselves for the special and unique people we really are.

I sometimes feel that I owe the world an apology for just existing. Then I get to thinking, how did I come to think of myself in this manner? Then I realize it's because of all the mean @$$es out there saying and doing evil @#$%! to us.

And, remember this one? "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."? Well, words do hurt! Badly! And those wounds last us a lifetime!

Every physical wound I've ever had has long since healed. But, those verbal and emotional wounds are so resistant to healing. Every now and then I'll have me a moment of shining clarity and am able to love myself (warts & all).

If only for a fleeting moment, I realize that I'm doing the best I can based on the cumulative total of my whole life experience. For that moment, it feels good ... If only those moments could last longer than the other ones!

Even if and when you can't see or feel it, unguy, know that you are cared about from this corner!

,
Pfrog

[Little Lulu]

When I had anxiety/depression so bad that I physically hurt and didn't want to live, I wanted to be someone else, too. I looked at all those 'happy' people around me and I wanted to be THEM, not me. I prayed for an exorcism but it didn't happen. I finally had to do the work (with help) of accepting myself, even with mood problems.

Self-acceptance and self-compassion are cornerstones to a good life no matter who you are or what your issues are. Here is a link to a TED talk on self-compassion by Kristin Neff that I found very helpful.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...3,d.cWcpassion

Originally Posted by Little Lulu

Self-acceptance and self-compassion are cornerstones to a good life no matter who you are or what your issues are. Here is a link to a TED talk on self-compassion by Kristin Neff that I found very helpful.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...3,d.cWcpassion

I listened to the video. Thanks. I have studied Buddhist therapy already. Went to 2 Buddhist groups for months. No one was friendly. I found no compassion or welcoming. I did not enjoy meditation and found it tedious. The experience made me feel increased rejection and hopelessness. I tried other religions too. Now, I believe all religions to be false. Nothing works for me. Self compassion is BS if it doesn't lead to compassion from others. It's results that matter; not BS beliefs.

[Harley47]

"Cure" implies something is wrong that needs to be fixed. If you are indeed gay, there's nothing to be fixed. It's not a disease or affliction or something.

What is it specifically about being gay you dislike? I know you mentioned the community being sexual to a point you dislike, but...I'm curious if that's just the crowd you stumbled upon. I know people who're gay who're much like myself in terms of sexual comfort (IE it takes thumb screws to get them chatty on the subject ). I'm wondering if your exposure to a sample may've biased you to the whole population.

Originally Posted by Harley47

"Cure" implies something is wrong that needs to be fixed. If you are indeed gay, there's nothing to be fixed. It's not a disease or affliction or something.

What is it specifically about being gay you dislike? I know you mentioned the community being sexual to a point you dislike, but...I'm curious if that's just the crowd you stumbled upon. I know people who're gay who're much like myself in terms of sexual comfort (IE it takes thumb screws to get them chatty on the subject ). I'm wondering if your exposure to a sample may've biased you to the whole population.

Being gay has ruined my life. Despite many years of therapy, I have not been able to make it work. Being gay just makes me sad. It has led to social rejection, harassment on the job (from both heterosexuals and homosexuals) and parental rejection. After a while, I just could not rebound. I now just sit at home alone. There is no use going out because I am not fun in any way.

To be accepted in the gay community, you have to have either looks or money or personality. I have none of these. For years I did volunteer work. I was often mistreated and eventually stopped volunteering. The friends I made were mostly dysfunctional. They weren't always nice and were often critical; their lovers sometimes hit on me. My best friend of 25 years became an alcoholic and drank himself to death. Physical issues I had - naturally high blood sugar - affected my ability to be sexual. And, I just never seemed to enjoy gay sex much either even though where I live it's available anonymously 24/7. A lot of my issues have to do with not being nurtured enough as a child. Having grown up in too strict an environment with no playmates or toys, I just don't know how to play well with others. T's say there is hope but I now really don't want to have sex with anyone. I've never had a steady boyfriend. At most, I've had 3 dates with the same person. I don't enjoy dating at all. All I ever wanted was to be like everyone else. Being gay overwhelms me. It's an insurmountable problem and I cannot deal with it.

Deep down, I have not wanted to be alive for a long time. Being gay is not living. I have lost so many friends to AIDS, drugs, alcohol, weed, tobacco and combinations thereof. I just dread life and am burnt out. I often cannot bring myself to smile. (A problem since childhood.) I am always angry and bitter. I have never fit in anywhere or found acceptance and was often teased / bullied. I cannot deal with being different. You would have to be a member of my generation - I'm 55 - to understand. Things were different. I am a product of that time period.

I have mixed with a lot of LGBT groups including 12-step programs, group therapy, sports leagues and more. Don't suggest theater - I've never liked it. Once, I worked with a lesbian boss. Turned out she was a sociopath who mistreated employees, fired them and then gave negative references so no one will hire them. Now, no one will hire me and I suffer from c-PTSD and am on disability. I have been mistreated on my last three jobs. (All these bosses were women.) I have nothing left in the tank. I am severely damaged emotionally. I cannot make being gay work for me. That's why I need a cure.

[Little Lulu]

Originally Posted by unguy

I listened to the video. Thanks. I have studied Buddhist therapy already. Went to 2 Buddhist groups for months. No one was friendly. I found no compassion or welcoming. I did not enjoy meditation and found it tedious. The experience made me feel increased rejection and hopelessness. I tried other religions too. Now, I believe all religions to be false. Nothing works for me. Self compassion is BS if it doesn't lead to compassion from others. It's results that matter; not BS beliefs.

unguy - I am going to call you on this because I think it is in your interest - self-pity won't get you anywhere. I've tried it ... lots of times ... and still do sometimes. I am too rich for the 'nothing works for me' thinking and so are you.

[eskielover]

IMO...you put so much thought on sexuality & you forgot how to just be HUMAN.

Seven years ago I left a bad marriage after 33 years of hell...so have no interest in any physical sort of relationship with anyone. I grew up with parents who had no social skills so learned NOTHING from them...everything i learned was from personal experience & choices i made growing up..& went directly from home with parents that was constant fighting into a bad marriage that was constant fighting & made being social with others a challenge. I managed to get along mostly well in my firmware engineering career. Being the only female engineer for a long time didn't end up a problem even though that was still the age of discrimination because i didn't ware a label & I acted equal to those i worked with. I wore the label HUMAN just like everyone else. When you start to have yourself labeled by your sexuality/gender/mental illness rather than the fact you are human just like the rest of the world...that when the trouble starts...what you are in the privacy of your life is no one's business until you choose to become closer friends & invite each other into that private part of your life.

I have many interests & am involved in MANY interest groups with many different people. Unless i have become closer friends with individuals...none know the details of my life...I am a human just like them & we all get along just fine without labels plastered all over ourselves. They know nothing of the suicide attempts ive had or the abuse I've gone through. It may make me what i am now but it's NOT who i am & sexuality has absolutely NOTHING to do with any part of my life.

You need to focus on learning how to react in this world as a human& stop focusing on nothing but how miserable you are being gay. Gays are human just like everyone else. You don't need labels to be human

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[sandersdillion948]

unguy, to much emphasis is put on sexuality in our species, but know that homosexuality is found in every species on the planet, there are gay bugs, gay animals, gay birds... This hatred towards the gay community comes from religion and a long list of people who are gay but suppress it and subject everyone else to their hatred of gays. There is nothing wrong with you, we are sexual beings by nature, there is nothing wrong with that. You are not the problem, the people in your life are the problem. We have the family we are born into and we have the families we create. If you continue to deny who you are you will only find sadness and complications in your life. Be happy, some of the greatest men in history were homosexual. People who put you down about being gay or make you feel bad really have their own problems and you are an emotional dumping ground for them. Surround yourself with good people who are like you and find good support, you are one of god's children, too.

Originally Posted by Little Lulu

unguy - I am going to call you on this because I think it is in your interest - self-pity won't get you anywhere. I've tried it ... lots of times ... and still do sometimes. I am too rich for the 'nothing works for me' thinking and so are you.

It's not self-pity. I need and want to take control of my life. I know what I like and I don't like, and I don't like what I am. I've tried and tried and tried. It's not for me. I can't take the abuse anymore That's not self-pity. My experiences being gay have been AWFUL. I need a cure.

Originally Posted by eskielover

IMO...you put so much thought on sexuality & you forgot how to just be HUMAN.

I have been repeatedly treated so inhumanly by others that I suffer from c-PTSD. And, it's a bad case. I am showing signs of increased heart disease from it. I just want this all to be over. Being gay gives me fewer choices in life. I can't live where I want to. I do not find acceptance like other people do. I need those basic things. Being gay makes my life terrible. I want no part of it.

Originally Posted by sandersdillion948

unguy, to much emphasis is put on sexuality in our species, but know that homosexuality is found in every species on the planet, there are gay bugs, gay animals, gay birds... This hatred towards the gay community comes from religion and a long list of people who are gay but suppress it and subject everyone else to their hatred of gays. There is nothing wrong with you, we are sexual beings by nature, there is nothing wrong with that. You are not the problem, the people in your life are the problem. We have the family we are born into and we have the families we create. If you continue to deny who you are you will only find sadness and complications in your life. Be happy, some of the greatest men in history were homosexual. People who put you down about being gay or make you feel bad really have their own problems and you are an emotional dumping ground for them. Surround yourself with good people who are like you and find good support, you are one of god's children, too.

Sadly, nothing makes me happy. That's one of the reasons why I have no friends - I don't know how to have fun. Never have. Being gay just further complicates things to the point that I am unable to deal. I am a real freak of nature. I no longer believe in god.

Originally Posted by unguy

I can't deal with it. Years of therapy have not helped. I don't like being gay or celibate or asexual. I don't like gay sex. I don't fit in the gay community - it's very sexual and the sex and looking for it just makes me sad. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no choice but to find a gay cure. I need to be normal. I cannot deal with being different. I cannot take it anymore - the discrimination, the social expulsion, the deep deep sadness that consumes me.

How do you know that the answer to all of your problems is to "be normal"?

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

How do you know that the answer to all of your problems is to "be normal"?

It has always been my wish / dream. I've always wanted social acceptance but have never found it. Though I live in one of the most gay friendly (supposedly) places in the world, I have not found acceptance here. To be happy, you have to live the life that you want.

[unaluna]

I hear ya. Everybody "likes" me, but expects me to partner with someone else. We gotta find a new island of misfit toys.

Plus i have this victor/victoria thing going on, that i dont even TRY for.

It's a terrible thing to not get what we want.

[wassupiig]

Originally Posted by unguy

I can't deal with it. Years of therapy have not helped. I don't like being gay or celibate or asexual. I don't like gay sex. I don't fit in the gay community - it's very sexual and the sex and looking for it just makes me sad. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no choice but to find a gay cure. I need to be normal. I cannot deal with being different. I cannot take it anymore - the discrimination, the social expulsion, the deep deep sadness that consumes me.

I feel they way you feel a lot. I am gay, in the closet, and I still won't accept myself as such, I rather be dead than say I accept that. I used to self injure and have suicidal thoughts becuase I didn't want to live like that anymore. Now I want to live but is so diffictul. I wish I was straight and loved girls and their bodies and was able to sexually function with them. It's so frustrating to be me. HOWEVER, I have started to not give my situation a single thought. Therapy doesn't help because all they say is 'you have to learn to accept yourself' over and over. I don't think about the problems I was having anymore and I have isolated myself from messing around with guys. That's where all my stress, anxiety, depressions, came from: being overly sexual with guys and being too concerned about being gay. Now, I don't give a f**k about those two things anymore. I'm doing me: I dance, work out, go to shool, to keep my head busy everyday. I haven't had a depression in weeks and haven't spoken to a dude in weeks and I'm doing so great man.

So that's a very short summary of my story, is a bit different from yours, but I would just tell you that what you have to do is to try to do things you love and enjoy everyday and keep your mind busy. Try to ignore all the problems because that's what stresses us out, we think too much. So instead just got out more, maybe join the gym, a club, go run and things like that because they helped me so much. I'm barely home now and keep myself very busy. I'm not that good at giving advice but that's my suggestion to you from my own experience. I hope everything gets better for you, I feel you a 100% and wish you the best. No one has to go through this things when we never chose to be who we are. It sucks.

My best wishes to you.

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