Is it possible to recreate sexual attraction to someone?

This is something I'm really wondering about: If I'm involved in a relationship and at some point I stop finding my partner sexually attractive -- at least for me, I'm never able to go back to finding him sexually attractive again. Am I alone in this? How can you find someone attractive once you've stopped finding them that way? I don't mean to say that I've immediately ended relationships once I ceased to find the person attractive, but at that point I do sort of think of it as doomed.

Someone I know was complaining that she was no longer physically attracted to her husband. I really didn't know what to say. I didn't want to say "and you never will be again," but that's what I was thinking.

How on earth could you recreate being attracted to someone? Is it possible?

Sidony

Thats hard....for me, when I loose attraction to someone, its not just physical. Its usually because I'm unhappy in the relationship....I don't know if its possible to gain that back.

I guess it depends on what attracts you in the first place? If it's their lean muscle mass and they get older and gain weight :-) that would be hard to get back. Can you say what about them stopped the physical attraction?

For me, I'd be wondering if there was something going on with myself that I could change. I just plain enjoy being with my husband, kissing the top of his bald head :-) when he's working at his computer, rubbing his broad back, etc. Being sensual with him helps me find him attractive. He's an available kind of guy, "there" in all my moods and ups and downs.

I guess I'm not sure, Sidony, exactly what you mean by "attracted" that it goes away. My feelings reside in me, it's not something the other person does? I would look and see how/why I had "changed." I know when I get angry or fearful, etc. my sexual feelings and how I feel about a person/my husband can change. But I don't look for any one feeling and working on the whole relationship and/or "faking" sexual interest or attraction, like other emotions, can rekindle it for me.

I guess it is a product of what's happening in the relationship. If I get unsure about whether it's right for me, I stop finding my partner attractive. It doesn't have that much to do with the way he looks (I mean, I like attractive guys of course but there's much more to it than that). Suddenly I go from wanting him physically to finding myself feeling repulsed at the thought of being with him. It's weird because sometimes I'm still hoping to make the relationship work. But sex becomes very undesirable for me and I don't know how to rekindle it. Maybe if I faked it for a long time it would come back, but I kind of doubt it. I wonder if losing physical attractedness is just a sign for me that things will never work. I don't know.

Sidony

It could be a sign. I think something "physical" and "obvious" like losing sexual attraction would be easier for me to deal with than something more personal or emotional. And, to a certain extent, it gets one off the hook. . . "It's weird because sometimes I'm still hoping to make the relationship work." It seems you can't change how you feel, so. . . oh well, no point in trying anymore.

Have you ever not done anything with the sexual aspect of the relationship until you got to be friends/know one another really well? That might be interesting to try, spend a few months talking/getting to know one another well and get the relationship well established on other grounds before adding the sexual. It looks like there's a "pattern" so maybe think of some way to interrupt that pattern and replace with another so the sexual attraction on/off switch doesn't function the way it is now?

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Perna said:
Have you ever not done anything with the sexual aspect of the relationship until you got to be friends/know one another really well? That might be interesting to try, spend a few months talking/getting to know one another well and get the relationship well established on other grounds before adding the sexual. It looks like there's a "pattern" so maybe think of some way to interrupt that pattern and replace with another so the sexual attraction on/off switch doesn't function the way it is now?

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Good question/observations. I don't have sex immediately, but usually if I start seeing someone that I'm really interested in (and we're going out all the time) then after about a month or so I'll become sexually involved with him. I had one relationship where we waited a long long time, and I lost interest because we waited so long (actually we never did have sex, but that's a long depressing story). On the other hand, I once had a long-term friendship where I hadn't really hought about the other person in a sexual sense. And then suddenly I/we did. And that was the best sexual relationship of my life. I never lost interest in sex with him although we did split up eventually (total heartbreak). I really hope to feel that way again (not the heartbreak part, but the preamble). And yet I do want to look specifically to date, not just hope that friendships will blossom. So I don' t know.

Sid

I would say YES........... for as the medical experts say - The BIGGEST sex organ in our body is the BRAIN.

.... so in all actuality the BRAIN controls your SEX / SEX ORGANS - what you feel or don't-won't feel.

I highly recommend taking Rhapsody's advice on anything related to this subject

I think it can be either fixable or not fixable. There are so many things that go into attraction to a person. Many marriages and relationships lose the "spark," but often find ways of reigniting it. Sometimes a person you're not physically attracted to at first, becomes attractive to you later, often after getting to know the person. Personality can often win out over the physical. Sometimes it can't. What you desire physically can change, so that's harder to change (back), but if you're in a committed relationship, I feel you should work on the relationship, to see if you can get back your desire for the person. In most cases, as several people have said here, it's because you're no longer happy in the relationship. Sometimes it can be fixed, sometimes it can't.

Sid, the one you didn't lose interest which had good sex? I bet there's little things like there is when you find a guy is a "sloppy" kisser :-) or some other personal behavior you just don't like. Maybe the sex isn't good enough in some way or he does something that's sub-noticeable that you don't like? It's beginning to sound like you just haven't found the "right" guy other than the one for whom you weren't quite the "right" gal? I would trust your gut and not try to "recreate" if something gets lost but just decide how "important" the sexual aspect is and/or what might be the "thing(s)" you don't like sexually and fix them?

Losing attraction may not be the problem but a symptom. Like me I thought i had libido issues because i just couldn't understand why i would lose attraction to someone i love. Well that wasn't the case apparently i am an Abandoholic. And unresolved abandonment issues has had lasting affects to where once im secure in a relationship i start to lose interest in the person. I only feel attracted when im working for it. check this link out see if anything rings a bell.

Abandoholics Anonymous | Fear of Abandonment | Abandonment Therapy | Abandonment Recovery | Susan Anderson

It doesn't affect everyone the same but a lot of this rang true to me after test and more test showed i didn't have any hormonal issues or medication issues causing me to lose sexual interest.

I hope if this is the case this will help you to start on the road of discovery. I just started therapy so I can't tell you if you can get the attraction back yet but i hope so for my bf's sake he has been hanging in there for me and knows i have a problem.

good luck to you

The reason that sexual attraction is easy at the beginning is because it's new. As time goes on though, the newness wears off so I think that's the place to start.

1. Make it new again. Set up a role-playing date where you both take on different personalities. You can be an entirely different person and you can both meet over coffee and talk though your new personas in a role-playing manner. Rediscover each other!
2. Change it up. Hook up with each other in different places. The bedroom at 9:15 PM on Tuesday gets old so how about 11 AM on the washing machine? Or in the car while driving to Sunday dinner?
3. Go shopping at an adult store. Adults need toys too!
4. Send dirty messages. Sexting your partner while they're at work can add a shock to your day and get you both going for later.

So there's plenty of ways, but I think it takes active participation, not just waiting for the attraction to come back. Go get it!

I personally think that if is was just about physical attraction in the beginning and you had no other real connections, spiritually or intellectually then I don't see how you could get that back or how you would even want to get that back.

I am only speaking from personal experience. Best of luck to you!

Agree 100%