Why is Virginity Stigmatized?

Where? So many think men who haven't had sex by my age don't know how to treat a woman and are screwed up. If I don't lose it by my 35th birthday, I'm ending my life (and I've told my therapist this).

Please do not end your life! Tell women you have some or little experience as you are looking for real love. Why do women need to know you have no experience?

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I'm sure I'll be found out if I'm pressed for details.

I'm just frustrated by the circular logic: isn't it supposed to be love that ignited sex not the other way around?

I personally never press a man for sexual details of his past. What kind of women do you meet that they wNr detail?

There is "no supposed to" in life. Many things happen for many reasons. I want to be in love prior to considering sex and at this point in my life wouldn't have sex unless I love someone but I had sex with no love in younger age and I didn't die from it

I don't think sex all by itself would cause love. But I know people who had sex very quick but ended up falling in love

I think you concern yourself with rules and how things supposed to be. Life is too complicated for rules

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The details I talk about are positions, foreplay, stimulations, etc. Even if I B.S. about that (i.e. I can say my partner always was dominant) there are some things I can't fake, like putting on a condom (protection is mandatory for me when starting with a partner).

I don't think I worded what I meant to say quite well. What I wanted to say is that at my age, prior sexual experience is a prerequisite to having a relationship. Backwards, hell yes. But the sad truth.

I understand it is hard to fake but .....Who the heck asks you that???? Positions stimulations what the heck? I am almost 50 and have been married as well as have been in many relationships etc I never asked a man about sex positions or foreplay he had in previous relationships. The heck who are these women? And no men ever asked me that. We ask each other maybe what caused divorce etc but not how we had sex!!!

Are you dating some trashy or crazy people?

Buy a conform and practice putting it on by yourself it shouldn't be a problem.

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Well I'm doing mostly online dating, so I don't know them beforehand. The last person I "dated" was asking me about sex before our 2nd date

Really? She asked you about sex and that early? How inappropriate.

Listen I don't want to offend so I am sorry if I am off base here but why don't you have it once with a prodtitute ( not off the streets but some escort service) then you can't d we say you are a Virgin?

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No offense taken. I have been ripped off multiple times by escorts, and another one rejected me due to my virginity. Plus I can't really afford one.

Can't afford one session? What do they charge? Do you work?

They rip you off but don't provide sex?

I am really trying to help here but I am starting to feel there is more to this. More problems than lack of sex. Are u in therapy?

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I'm talking $800-900 a session. I paid multiple times for different escorts, but none showed. I was given several excuses but never got money back. Yes I work, but I have bills & student loans to finish. And yes I'm in therapy for anxiety, specifically social anxiety.

Earlier you said you just want a loving relationship rather than doing porn. Could you join an online dating site and specify that you have "limited experience", and see what kind of responses you get? Don't focus on your lack of experience during the date though, and there's no requirement to divulge that you're really a virgin. Some women may not care for various reasons, they're too self-absorbed or have low self-esteem, they think you're really attractive to the point they don't care about anything else, they're just happy to finally meet someone without an STD, etc. Don't worry about being clumsy during the foreplay. Some women just won't care and may actually find it adorable. That's just the way it is. Hey, if a neurotic guy like Woody Allen can do it, just about anyone can.

That is awfully expensive! I never knew. Omg how unfair didn't show but too your money

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You are so right. I personally only care if we have feelings for each other and we have good relationship then it is all fine. It all comes natural. Sexual experiences don't mean that much to many women

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The stigmatizing continues. Now virgins are seen as hateful, pathetic, vicious scum who are angry at the world. I can't fight through every stereotype so much longer. Either I have meaningful sex or I die, end of story. Literally no one wants to date a 40 year old virgin so I won't give anyone that chance.

I know that your focus here is sex. But in order to get to sex, you have to have a modicum of social/interpersonal skills and relationship skills. Depression can also be something that potential partners pick up on and shy away from. How much have you worked on this stuff? Honestly, these things are going to matter more to someone than whether you're a virgin or not.

I also don't think the stigma against virgins is as strong as you think it is. I think you're overfocused on this. And for what it's worth, I dated a 39 year old virgin. I chased after him, in fact. I loved who he was as a human being. Period.

I know this is all very easy for me to say, and you're in a lot of pain. But I hope you're working on these other things, too. That's what's going to get you where you want to be.

Absolutely no one decides what virginity means to you other than yourself. Break it down past centuries of social and religious stigma, and what is virginity? It's nothing. It is literally no more than one fleshy bit entering another fleshy bit.
It has zero significance beyond what we make of it. One's first sexual experience with another person is objectively about as important as one's first time riding a roller coaster, reading a book, or managing to twist one's tongue into a funny shape. And how often do you see people beating themselves up or being ridiculed for not having gone on a roller coaster? Never. Because that would be absurd.
Virginity can be important, it can be significant. But only if we make it so. But never should it dominate one's life or concern anyone to the point where it makes them feel less about themselves. No more or less than their first roller coaster ride would, at any rate.
Anyone who claims otherwise and would one one's 'virginity' as a means to stigmatize people, is simply not worth time or consideration.
Just my two cents.

I guess what I'm struggling with here is why is virginity often considered a dealbreaker at my age. And while it's not what I want, I don't understand why so many scorn it as being like a disease.

Your concerns are real and frustrating, AK; however, I think it is important to take a step back and consider the kind of woman you need and the kind of women you are meeting or communicating with online.

Based on your responses in this thread it appears to me that you are seeing the issue through tunnel vision, or focusing too intensely on the negative, which we all do when we are stressed and frustrated about an issue, but that is where we need to take a step back and examine the issue more broadly.

Let me tell you this: when I first became a member here, I was the most hopelessly lost, lonely, and socially frustrated person that was active on these forums . To continuously put yourself out there, meeting new woman and trying to create new social connections, only to be shot down almost immediately is one of the most difficult and heartbreaking struggles I have had to cope with as an adult. In fact, I struggled with this for so long that I came to the conclusion that all these rejections had nothing to do with status, sex, appearance, social skills, etc., I was simply unlovable. There was nothing I could do and no hope left for me. I was destined to be alone and miserable forever .

Now I am in a relationship with an incredible woman that I connect with on such a deep emotional, intellectual, and physical level.

How did I do it?

The first thing I did was (reluctantly) accept that not everything is in my control . I can’t control if a woman likes me or not, if she will see me as a ‘friend’ or as a sexual partner, if she can accept my eccentric behaviors and interests, etc. One day I would really like to marry my Girlfriend, but there is nothing I can do to stop her from walking out of my life forever right now. We as humans can’t control the behavior, actions, or reactions of others. Period.

The second thing I did was to focus less on what I hated about my life – the loneliness and isolation – and more on developing who I am and making my life better. I became a member of some local and national organizations that interested me, and with the encouragement of some new friends I made, I have become an international writer on current events and am working on publishing my first book on post-Cold War conflicts. Later I did some skills training, found a full-time job, and I bought an Audi, my first car!

In the process of developing who I am I found my soul-mate. We connected through a shared interest in current events; she was an active reader of my articles for national and international publications and non-profits.

Point being is that if you focus on bettering yourself instead of on what you feel makes you inadequate or unworthy you will meet the right people

No worthwhile woman will care if you are a virgin or not. The pressure to have sex exists, especially for us men because it is the ‘macho’ or ‘manly’ thing to do , but it is the truth that there are many woman that don’t care, and if I am not mistaken it is becoming more common for people to have sex later in life.

Case in point – I am 24 years old and still a virgin, my soul-mate/Girlfriend is 28 years old and still a virgin. We have chosen not to have sex (for the time being anyway) .

I am at a point where virginity is a disease. Period. If it wasn't, then why do 99.9% of women say they won't date a 25 year old virgin, let alone 40? I can't afford to spend six or nine months in a relationship only to be dumped when she found out about my virginity. I know it sounds like tunnel vision, but it would be a waste of my time & the final blow to my heart for that to happen.

The only survey I could find out there was a Match.com survey that said that 51% of women wouldn't date a virgin. That is a far cry from 99.9%. More women cared about whether a guy lived with his parents or had debt than about virginity. Frankly, I doubt that most women would dump a good guy that they were already dating if it came up that he had student loan debt or was a virgin.

I get that you're afraid to put yourself out there. But that's the only way that anything will change.

For the record I would seriously doubt the accuracy of such online surveys. I've read studies that have claimed 78% of women won't date a man with crooked teeth, that 75% of women won't date an unemployed man, or that 51% wouldn't date a man that lived with his parents. Compared to an ABC News article only 42% of men and women wouldn't date a virgin of the opposite sex…

Now to demonstrate how little importance should be attached to these surveys, I have crooked teeth, I am a virgin, I live with my mom, and was unemployed when I started dating Yet I have a Girlfriend…

There is nothing wrong with still being a virgin. I still am . I;m almost 25 and have never had a boyfriend. I chose to stay a virgin till or if I get married . Its partly for religious reasons and two I feel it makes it more special with your spouse. But to each his own. Don't feel you got to lose it just cause of your age.

Yogurtz, exactly. I think a lot of people are quick to say they won't date this or won't date that in the abstract, but in the real world, it's not nearly so severe.

I think virginity all by itself isn't stigmatized if people make a conscious choice due to moral or religious reasons not to have sex until marriage. Or if people choose not to date due to extremely busy life being in medical school for example. Nothing wrong with that.

I think people do look down on it when it is due to inability to maintain a relationship with anyone or even inability to ask anyone out. And not willing to learn and improve. Then I could see how it bother people. But virginity as a conscious choice all by itself isn't a problem

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