[ladytiger]

I have been pondering lately about my sexuality. First I've been single for 4.5 months I was with my ex a guy for 10 years. He knew from the beginning how I liked women I didn't get a gf until I was 24 in 09 as we started exploring polyamory. If you don't know look it up!

Since that terrible break up with ex gf of 4 months I haven't practiced poly since too many women wasting my money most are mono they should seek a mono person not the complete opposite. For some odd reason I feel embarrassed being seen in public with a girl by kissing and holding hands I don't know why I still have issues with self esteem and not caring what others think yet I'm almost 30. I can be myself in a kink club or lgbt but other places I have an issue.

I'm an extremely private person being abused has made me into this confidential person plus I feel a lot of things aren't others biz unless I want you to know. I haven't done stuff with women in my teens hence it took me a long time to get a gf. The relationship between my ex gf and ex bf was separated.

What I'm looking to do is be with more women by dating casually on my terms since I don't want a relationship nor a serious one I'm still working on myself not ready for casual yet. I'm making my own rules I wouldn't mind casual like dates gifts sex hang out as long as there's no serious attachment. I want to be able to talk and negotiate this in an adult manner. I want to be able to see others almost like poly with an agreements we both establish.

I'm still working on my career trying to make it go somewhere so a real relationship would not be ideal right now. I'm learning even more to make my own rules negotiations and be my own person.

Any suggestions on not caring what others think and get over this fear? If what I'm saying makes sense.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

I have been pondering lately about my sexuality. First I've been single for 4.5 months I was with my ex a guy for 10 years. He knew from the beginning how I liked women I didn't get a gf until I was 24 in 09 as we started exploring polyamory. If you don't know look it up!

Since that terrible break up with ex gf of 4 months I haven't practiced poly since too many women wasting my money most are mono they should seek a mono person not the complete opposite. For some odd reason I feel embarrassed being seen in public with a girl by kissing and holding hands I don't know why I still have issues with self esteem and not caring what others think yet I'm almost 30. I can be myself in a kink club or lgbt but other places I have an issue.

I'm an extremely private person being abused has made me into this confidential person plus I feel a lot of things aren't others biz unless I want you to know. I haven't done stuff with women in my teens hence it took me a long time to get a gf. The relationship between my ex gf and ex bf was separated.

What I'm looking to do is be with more women by dating casually on my terms since I don't want a relationship nor a serious one I'm still working on myself not ready for casual yet. I'm making my own rules I wouldn't mind casual like dates gifts sex hang out as long as there's no serious attachment. I want to be able to talk and negotiate this in an adult manner. I want to be able to see others almost like poly with an agreements we both establish.

I'm still working on my career trying to make it go somewhere so a real relationship would not be ideal right now. I'm learning even more to make my own rules negotiations and be my own person.

Any suggestions on not caring what others think and get over this fear? If what I'm saying makes sense.

I've always considered being uncomfortable with public same-gender/sex relationships as internalized heterosexism. We live in an overtly heterosexist society that celebrates heterosexuality as the norm and punishes all those that deviate from it. That stuff gets internalized whether or not you know it. I'm almost 35, I dealt with feeling weird and uncomfortable holding hands or kissing another woman in public for a long time. Even places where I didn't have to worry about getting attacked, like in San Francisco, it just felt weird and uncomfortable for me. Eventually I just got uncomfortable with any PDA at all, with male or female or trans* partners. I think getting fed up is what made me get over the fear - I got fed up with pretty much everything, lol. I was fed up with feeling like I had to ID as a lesbian even though I've always been attracted to people of all genders; I got tired of being put-down for presenting as super femme; I got tired of feeling like I would lose my queer identity if I dated a dude so one day I just said "F*** it!" and just stopped caring. It took practice to not feel self-conscious with PDA but I just pushed through it. Maybe just remind yourself that you set your own rules in all aspects of your dating and romantic life, and everyone else can go to h***.

IDK where you live but a good friend of mine is in Austin TX and she is constantly complaining that all the women on Ok Cupid are poly and she can't find anyone interested in monogamy. Maybe try OKC? Moving might be extreme

[ladytiger]

True lgbt still get attacked even though gay marriage has passed. It's been passed yet women still can't seem to express interest in another woman genuinely without game playing.

I'm in Az. I'm on okcupid.com I have mono because I'm not looking to do a serious poly relationship. Your friend needs to express mono in her profile she should contact those who are only mono. I met a woman from okcupid.com first time in 10 years it didn't last she ditched me yet said I'm the 5th girl who stayed in contact gee what happened with the other 4 girls?

So many time wasters it's exhausting. I don't know what to label my sexuality I don't like bisexual and tried to use pansexual but I'm not attracted to asexual at all.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

True lgbt still get attacked even though gay marriage has passed. It's been passed yet women still can't seem to express interest in another woman genuinely without game playing.

I'm in Az. I'm on okcupid.com I have mono because I'm not looking to do a serious poly relationship. Your friend needs to express mono in her profile she should contact those who are only mono. I met a woman from okcupid.com first time in 10 years it didn't last she ditched me yet said I'm the 5th girl who stayed in contact gee what happened with the other 4 girls?

So many time wasters it's exhausting. I don't know what to label my sexuality I don't like bisexual and tried to use pansexual but I'm not attracted to asexual at all.

I really like "queer" to me it feels the most right. You will find what feels right for you. I'm way more complicated than even pansexual so if ever asked to ID I always say "queer" first - it's my way of identifying as non-heterosexual. Beyond that, it really isn't anyone's business IMO. I do feel for myself that it's necessary to ID as not heterosexual especially because I'm in a committed relationship with a cis guy but beyond that unless someone is dating me I don't see why they'd care one way or the other!
I met my bf on OKC but I didn't have much luck for years before that, I guess it only has to work really well once though. Good luck!!

[ChipperMonkey]

Do you have the same/similar screen name on DS?

[ladytiger]

On DS? Yes, I do. I refuse to go back on that hateful site, why do you ask?

What is DS?

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

What is DS?

I wondered that too!

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

I really like "queer" to me it feels the most right. You will find what feels right for you. I'm way more complicated than even pansexual so if ever asked to ID I always say "queer" first - it's my way of identifying as non-heterosexual. Beyond that, it really isn't anyone's business IMO. I do feel for myself that it's necessary to ID as not heterosexual especially because I'm in a committed relationship with a cis guy but beyond that unless someone is dating me I don't see why they'd care one way or the other!
I met my bf on OKC but I didn't have much luck for years before that, I guess it only has to work really well once though. Good luck!!

I have seen queer used as many different definitions for people. I always thought queers were only interested in one sex just women - at least that's how I remember it. On OKC, I saw a queer woman who wanted other queer/lesbian women not bisexuals or anyone hetero.

For me, I like women more but I still have sex with men. My ex calls himself queer and demisexual but he's straight has no interest in men. My attitude is I am just me I have on my OKC profile it doesn't matter which sex I end up with I go by whoever interest me. I can't call it pansexual because I have zero interest in asexuals automatic friend zone.

[ladytiger]

DS - DailyStrength. It's another site like this one, but they have went downhill the last time I used it. You wanna talk about a bunch of individuals who claim they went through a lot of therapy, their writings on that site says otherwise. I am surprised to find that site is still around nothing but drama...

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

DS - DailyStrength. It's another site like this one, but they have went downhill the last time I used it. You wanna talk about a bunch of individuals who claim they went through a lot of therapy, their writings on that site says otherwise. I am surprised to find that site is still around nothing but drama...

I have been pleasantly surprised with PC, the vast majority of people are mature and don't overreact. So many things that could have been drama don't turn into it because one or both people stay calm after an initial negative reaction.

I had to google "queer" because I was really curious if there was an "official" definition. Most of the people I have met that ID that way are pan or bisexual women. PFLAG's site has a pretty good definition: https://community.pflag.org/abouttheq "Today, more and more young people are coming out “queer,” much to the dismay of the older generation of the LGBT community who is used to hearing it as the oppressors attempt to degrade and dehumanize them. Although not exclusively used by the younger generation, and not used by all youth in all cities and towns, it does seem that more LGBT people are choosing Queer as their term of identification than LGBT people ten years ago and that those who choose to identify in this way actually benefit from not choosing a specific label. ...Think of queer as an umbrella term. It includes anyone who a) wants to identify as queer and b) who feels somehow outside of the societal norms in regards to gender or sexuality."

I've always used pansexual because trans* people I have dated consider it to be trans* inclusive whereas bisexual isn't. I also would have no interest romantically in someone who was completely uninterested in sex. The two things are too connected for me. I don't care about gender presentation though, or sex organs necessarily.

[ladytiger]

I like the definition. I remember queer was seen as a negative word and my ex and I used to go to lgbt documentaries haven't been to any in a long time nor read any information lately. He considers himself queer and demisexual queer meaning for him he identifies with his fem. side and can easily identify women's emotions. That is sooo sexy in a man, how many other men are in touch with their fem side? None. The rest would feel it is being gay which is silly.

I consider myself just me if you interest me, we will talk, if not someone else may interest me and I might end up with that person. I got blamed for having a bf when I was with my ex when I should have had more girlfriends well sorry that wasn't the plan falling in love came first. I just don't feel I should broadcast my sexuality for the public like a lot of lgbt do glad they have the strength to do that.

I had a lesbian get irate towards me because I am not out to everyone but she was good for her. I told her I am very private which people hate about me and she felt I was hiding myself **** I have been doing that for years nothing new. I don't need my job or any upcoming jobs that I will get to fire me because of my sexuality. I would have to do more reading on the word queer because pansexual doesn't fit me.

You young people and your labels! lol

I never labelled myself anything. Guess I am straight with lesbian desires. lol

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

You young people and your labels! lol

I never labelled myself anything. Guess I am straight with lesbian desires. lol

Yeah I used to think labels were helpful but there are sooooo many now.

[ladytiger]

True, all these labels! Never tell a lesbian you're straight with lesbian desires oooh they will hate that! lol

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

True, all these labels! Never tell a lesbian you're straight with lesbian desires oooh they will hate that! lol

That's referred to as "heteroflexible" in some settings. Lol, I mean I guess it's descriptive but I think everyone's labels change and evolve too. People don't belong in boxes.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

On DS? Yes, I do. I refuse to go back on that hateful site, why do you ask?

I'm pretty sure that I've chatted with you through messages on DS. But please don't ask me what my name over there was because I simply don't remember! I haven't been back in a few years now. I have another friend from the site and he stopped going there too. He said things really died off after they got rid of chat.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

Yeah I used to think labels were helpful but there are sooooo many now.

I agree.

I had a lesbian friend who was more concerned about labeling me than I was. It was a bit weird because I don't like having labels, I rather just "be". The first time she asked, I was pissed at guys so I said "asexual!" She later pressed me with the question again. I told her that I'm looking for a guy but I can't completely rule out a relationship with another female. She then gave me some new label based on that as well as the fact that I'd be open to dating a transsexual. For the life of me I can't remember what label she gave me! Nor do I care.

I'm attracted to whomever I'm attracted to. Period. But, at the same time I do have my preferences (we all do).

I think we'll all come full circle and at some point in the future, labels won't matter. The only label that will matter in the end is "human" because really, we're all the same underneath it all.

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I'm pretty sure that I've chatted with you through messages on DS. But please don't ask me what my name over there was because I simply don't remember! I haven't been back in a few years now. I have another friend from the site and he stopped going there too. He said things really died off after they got rid of chat.

Doesn't surprise me lol. It was okay when i signed up in 05 and I didn't go back on it until 2010 omg the drama! it was like watching their a mirror image of their abusers on a forum site!

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

That's referred to as "heteroflexible" in some settings. Lol, I mean I guess it's descriptive but I think everyone's labels change and evolve too. People don't belong in boxes.

I have looked up that definition it leans more on straight but liking or having sexual encounters with the same sex, I lean the other way. Heteroflexible is a newer way of bicurious at least it sounds better.

[delicate grass]

I find labels to prescriptive. Each label comes with a specific style and behaviour that is performed with it so I am trying to avoid them. I think the only one that matters I think is if you are mono or poly since this is the only one affecting your partner. If I say I am straight and have a committed relationship with a woman, I guess it doesn't really matter to people or to her how I identify as...

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by delicate grass

I find labels to prescriptive. Each label comes with a specific style and behaviour that is performed with it so I am trying to avoid them. I think the only one that matters I think is if you are mono or poly since this is the only one affecting your partner. If I say I am straight and have a committed relationship with a woman, I guess it doesn't really matter to people or to her how I identify as...

I am single and when I was with my ex, we were poly. Right now as a single woman, I guess I am mono at the moment. However, when I am ready to date casually/short term I still want to be to able to see other people, on my terms, and making no promises to others only to myself. Being poly but solo if you will....

The point I was asking in my question is being seen with a woman in an intimate way in public. The first and only gf I had it was intimidating, we held hands and kissed in public. What I didn't like were the disapproving of eyes which shouldn't have been their biz. I am a very private person, nobody knows much about me unless I tell them or they only see something that they think is the present me.

I haven't practiced poly in a long time and was wanting to date a woman for either myself or if she wanted to date my ex and i as a couple. I did go to a poly support group such great info and plan to go back for more once **** is established. So yes, I still carry a great deal of shame....

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by delicate grass

I find labels to prescriptive. Each label comes with a specific style and behaviour that is performed with it so I am trying to avoid them.

Exactly.

If you say you're gay/lesbian and date someone of the opposite sex at some point, people say you were just going through a phase, you were faking it, blah, blah, blah.

If you say you're bisexual and go through a time of switching to dating just men or just women, people say you were never bi, you were either experimenting or not ready to fully come out of the closet.

I honestly hate labels and see no need for them.

I hate to seem so irate over the whole thing, but it is something that just makes me mad. The funny thing is that its the NON-straight community that cares so darn much about my orientation (and not because there's any interest). Funny because people have this assumption that its narrow minded straight people that are the most judgmental. So not true. Straight people are like "fck, we don't care what you are!" Its live and let live. I've had gay/lesbian people tell me that my sexuality doesn't exist or that I'm just not ready to come out (when i would say I was bi). I was PRESSURED to admit I was a lesbian! I've been pressured to clearly identify my orientation as if its going to be set in stone. ARGH. Just live and let live. I honestly think that all of these labels just create distance between people instead of bringing everyone together. That is, it may bring those with the same label together, but overall labeling only serves to put distance between said groups. We need to treat people as individuals and not as a label.

*end vent*

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Exactly.

If you say you're gay/lesbian and date someone of the opposite sex at some point, people say you were just going through a phase, you were faking it, blah, blah, blah.

If you say you're bisexual and go through a time of switching to dating just men or just women, people say you were never bi, you were either experimenting or not ready to fully come out of the closet.

I honestly hate labels and see no need for them.

I hate to seem so irate over the whole thing, but it is something that just makes me mad. The funny thing is that its the NON-straight community that cares so darn much about my orientation (and not because there's any interest). Funny because people have this assumption that its narrow minded straight people that are the most judgmental. So not true. Straight people are like "fck, we don't care what you are!" Its live and let live. I've had gay/lesbian people tell me that my sexuality doesn't exist or that I'm just not ready to come out (when i would say I was bi). I was PRESSURED to admit I was a lesbian! I've been pressured to clearly identify my orientation as if its going to be set in stone. ARGH. Just live and let live. I honestly think that all of these labels just create distance between people instead of bringing everyone together. That is, it may bring those with the same label together, but overall labeling only serves to put distance between said groups. We need to treat people as individuals and not as a label.

*end vent*

I know what you mean, it's ridiculous. I am just getting to the point of it's my rules, I date whoever interests me I am almost 30 don't have time for the debates! I am not looking for a long term serious relationship at all so...it's like sorry my career is coming first and if I want companionship I will say so. I know it's like confusing for me right now as to how I am gonna explain this to others. I know this won't go well if a person will have serious feelings for me or if others don't agree with what I am doing I have told them before find someone else who wants what you want and leave me be they hated that! It's true, right?

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

I know what you mean, it's ridiculous. I am just getting to the point of it's my rules, I date whoever interests me I am almost 30 don't have time for the debates! I am not looking for a long term serious relationship at all so...it's like sorry my career is coming first and if I want companionship I will say so. I know it's like confusing for me right now as to how I am gonna explain this to others. I know this won't go well if a person will have serious feelings for me or if others don't agree with what I am doing I have told them before find someone else who wants what you want and leave me be they hated that! It's true, right?

Lol I've said the same thing, and people DO get mad! I think they say it because they want you to change, and when you don't give in and respond like that, they're not getting their way so they just get mad.

I've also encountered the "I won't date you because you don't have the right sexual orientation" thing. It's a lesbian thing I guess? They get dumped by one bisexual person and as a result decide they won't date bisexuals again because ONE bisexual dumped them. It's like if I was dumped by someone of a particular faith and then decided to discriminate against all people of that faith and say I won't date anyone in that faith ever again cuz one person dumped me. Same darn thing. The funny thing is that they say all bisexuals go back to men. Well DUH when no lesbian will date a bi chick, who else are we supposed to date?!? In the end you can't win. I was tired of getting crap for identifying my sexual preferences so I just stopped labeling myself and now I'm much happier. I was tired of the LGBT community claiming to be open and loving and accepting when I continued to get kicked in the teeth by so many people proud of the cause. It just hurts when you think you've found support in a community that claims to support you but in reality you're even more of an outsider there. I really do think that the "B" in LGBT is a lie. Of course all of my bad experiences were over 10 years ago. I hope the community is more open and less exclusionary nowadays. I'm not really willing to test it out after I was treated so poorly by a number of hypocritical members of their community. And I know that not everyone is like that, but once you get burned, you don't seek out support anymore.