Gay Stereotypes...

Valentina, I am sorry if I was a little terse in my response. Believe me, I have heard many challenge my ideas and expectations. I can't say more than I am truly being honest....I love my wife and family....and I know that I AM GAY. Definitions, labels, standards, etc. aside....that is who I am.

What I put to you and the others....what solution do,I have to my anxiety? I have seen professionals, I take medication....I am having therapy. My anxiety exists...and the medication has reduced it in the area of my sexuality....providing much clarity in that area. No other aspects of my life have been affected by the treatment.

But here is the thing....if I keep on the meds....it will continue to kill my libido and ability to orgasm. It kills any desire to be intimate. THE sexual attraction I have for my wife is artificially removed...and I then the only thing that is left is my love. If I stop the meds and don't come,out....my anxiety will return and will continue to eat away at my mental abilities. My therapist agrees that I have been able to handle it for 30 years, but physically my mind can no longer take it.

So I'm not coming out to hurt anyone, I know that my wife and family might not accept this. Believe me I would like love and support....and I'm not just going to give up on myself and my family. However, if my wife cannot handle it, I am not going to force her into anything. If that means she wants to leave...well that it an outcome I might have to deal,with. Not out of hate...but out of love.

I know that I,am not coming out to seek relationships with men...I am past that in my life. So what do I gain from coming out to my family? Freedom. Freeing my mind, turning the energy I've used to hide all my life into improving my life. I'm not talking about yelling to the world "I'm gay!", but if my family knows and supports me....well I then have the freedom to acknowledge my sexuality when the circumstances put me in a situation where otherwise my anxiety would cripple me.

Thank you Random. Sadly I have been coping with this for 30 years....and my coping strategies have now,resulted in my mind failing. Without actually addressing the anxiety...and avoidance is no longer feasible....I will continue to lose my ability to make and access memories, lose my ability to process and solve problems, and lose the ability to focus and follow conversations. I would end up losing my ability to work, converse and think. You see, this isn't just about some butterflies in the stomach when some of my homosexual aspects rise to,the surface...this is about losing myself. And if I lose myself....where then in my family. At least by coming out....my family and I have some choice as to where we go.

I can tell you've put a lot of thought into this and I hope it turns out well. Im very impressed with your not being defensive about this topic. I was a little concerned my post would come across as no one should ever come out and be proud of their sexuality. Thats not what I believe at all.

Also when you said the part about anxiety and this not being butterflies, I can totally relate to that. There is nothing more infuriating than dealing with extreme anxiety and someone dismissing it as oh, I get a little nervous when I have to give a speech in front of people.

Not knowing you or your family, from what you posted I would think they would all be very supportive. Hopefully coming out and being openly authentic to who you are will give you more confidence and you wont have to have that towering anxiety about hiding. That does make sense to me. I'll be rooting for you.

Isn't the definition of "gay" being attracted sexually and romantically to the same sex? I'm no expert, but I think if "gay" man is sexually attracted to women that means he is not gay, but bi-sexual. AND if you love your wife and only want to be with her sexually, does that not mean you are hetero? If you have no intentions of being with men and don't want to, are you still gay? (NOT debating born gay, etc). How can you identify as gay but not want to "live" gay? You have not explained well just why it is important for you to be known as gay. (I read about the anxiety. Maybe your anxiety is from wanting to live a different life style than the one you have now)

I'll just say this, It looks to me like you are wanting to ease back into the gay life, but don't want it to affect your family. Perhaps your wife will allow you to have a fling with a man now and then? Well, it probably will affect your family. Your wife may or may not be able to deal with your "coming out".

As I said before you have every right to be happy in your own skin. But you risk losing the life you have now and I would think not everyone in your family or circle of friends is going to see you as they do now. Accepting is not the same as condoning. I wish you the best whatever you choose.

I thank you as well for your input. I don't have all the answers. I know that I don't have to be living a gay life to be gay. There are many people living there lives without any sexual or emotional relationships, yet they can say they are straight or gay. You don't have to live something to be something.

And being gay....well I choose to be monogamous in a heterosexual relationship...that doesn't make me straight. At the same time....if you've read all my posts in this thread you would know that I was gay before I met my wife...and I grew to love her....only her. I've never felt an attraction or love for another woman....lots of other men. If something happened to my wife, I would actively pursue only same sex relationships. So you see, I'm am only "hetero" for my wife....and I am not secretly wishing to go back to being a gay man. I just have to release this emotional and mental pressure.

All,

I wanted to thank everyone for their input over the past week. I recognize that not everyone has the same knowledge, experience, opinions, etc. and that I was seeking both positive reinforcement as well as challenges to my ideas.

On a very positive note, last night I "came out" to my wife as well as my 16 and 23 year old daughters. It was received positively, and my wife reiterated that she's always know I'm gay since the first time I told her of my past and my sexual preferences. She said it does not matter so long as I am committed and faithful to her.

I'll say that there is nothing that is going to change in how I live my life in the short term, though I may find myself in a situation where I feel it is in my best interest to acknowledge being gay. I know that now there is no doubt that I have been clear in unambiguous to my wife and family that I am actually gay, and that I love them and want to remain together as a family and want to maintain my marriage.

I am worried bixkf that you are overcomplicating things.I think identifying as gay and coming out as gay and living as a gay person is perfectly ok even if you are married to a woman.It seems clear to you that you love your wife and not women in general and that if your marriage ended you'd be looking for men as partners.I see nothing confusing about this,it is possible to fall in love with someone not in line with your primary sexual orientation.Why must we all fit into neat little boxes.?

I think the more important questions for you and your wife are questions like,if I come out as gay, do I intend to sleep with other men,or stay sexually faithful to my wife?How does my wife feel about others knowing I am gay,can she and I cope with speculation from others about whether I am faithful or not?Unfortunately this will come up,I don't know why it does with a gay person more than a heterosexual one,but yours and your wife's emotional security are important,so the gossips need to be considered and dealt with.Other than that living your sexual identity isn't hard, it harder not to?Just make sure your kids are clear on the issues and know how to handle the questions and comments is all otherwise it needn't be difficult in my view.