im so embarressed and deeply ashamed

I have always been against pornography...i dont know why really...i guess its always made me uncomfortable....but everyone is talking about it...and some say its ok..and others say its not...and honestly...i never even seen it really...and you cant call watching rated R movies due to some nudity ( lol a butt) porn....so ...i was curious ok...just plain freaking curious....and i got online...and i looked at it...im 19 ive never seen it before...and there i am...like a moron...with my jaw dropped...im sure it crashed through the earth and the people in japan had no freaking idea what kinda of animal it was lol....and i got aroused from it...which is terrible..i was just curious...i just wanted to see why everyone was talking about it...and what it looked like...( might i add alot of it looked fake...a man cannot be that freaking long...i dont know) and to make matters worse....my boyfriend caught me....right after i made a huge deal with me catching him looking at it!!!! And he hasnt made a big deal about it....actually he hasnt even remotely hinted which now makes me wonder....did he actually catch me or did i press the little red x in time....i dont know..im so embarressed....and deeply ashamed...how could i even be aroused at such an awful thing....im a terrible person arent i...im not saying people who look at porn are awful....please dont think that...im terrible because i made a huge hissy fit to my bf about it...and here i am becoming aroused by it....and now comes another problem....i am a very addictive person..caffine...SI....eating....drinking....and i cant afford to become addicted to the one thing i speak out against....this is really embarressing for me everyone..if you could have seen the damage i did to myself after this i think you might all realized i punished myself severly for such arousement....and perhaps you wont punish me too badly for saying it..but i cant keep it in..the guilt is eating away at me....this feels so horrible and i keep kicking myself because of all this....i mean ...after my bf "caught" me i kinda lost it...literally...dissociating....the works...it took an act of God to go to work....im sorry...i hope all of you will forgive me...maybe someday i will pay greatly for my mistakes....
love,
inny

It's normal to be aroused by porn. Not everyone is, but that's what it's there to do. You shouldn't be ashamed. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't look at it again, but at least you've seen a tiny amount of it. Some people who judge porn (and those who enjoy it) have never seen it, and you can't judge something if you haven't seen it.

The term "porn" actually is used two different ways. Some use it to refer to all sexually explicit content (which I did above), while others go by its actual definition, which is offensive and obscene material. Of course, what one person considers offensive and obscene is different than what another does.

Some people think all sexually-related material is wrong. But it's ok to be aroused by it, even if you don't think you should be looking at it. Don't beat yourself up for a natural reaction; you have no control over how you react to sexual material. Maybe you don't like what you might consider exploitative material, even if it arouses you. If you feel a woman is being degraded, for instance, even though she likely consented to being portrayed in the way she is, then maybe you shouldn't look at that kind of sexual material.

But, maybe you'd be ok if the woman wasn't being degraded, and was being respected and loved, in your opinion. There's sexual content featuring romance, too. Most romance novels have some sexual content, and there are erotic romances that are quite popular now. Some might still offend you (some contain kinky material, or casual sex, but in an erotic romance, the main story is about romance and love), but there's something for almost everybody. There's also erotica, which may or may not contain romance (although if it does, in my opinion, it's either erotic romance--meaning, the main story is about love; or it's romantic erotica--meaning, the main story is about the sex). You can find erotic romance in the romance section of most bookstores, and erotica, of course, in the sex and erotica sections. You might try those.

Of course, those are books and stories...you can also search for such stories online, btw. But there are images and movies to enjoy, too. You might consider checking out PlaygirlTV.com (I'm not affiliated with them, so I'm not trying to spam), which has movies geared towards women...I rented a couple when we had Comcast OnDemand, and I liked them a lot. I'm not really that into porn geared more for men. Playgirl is more about women's fantasies. There is porn made by women, for women, too.

I don't know what to tell you concerning addiction to porn, and certainly, you want to avoid that, but perhaps romance and erotic romance is a better choice for you.

{{{{Inny}}}} - no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed. I've been watching your posts and notice that you have a very low opinion of yourself (as most of us do or did at one time). I think that your feelings may be there for other reasons as well. Almost like ANYTHING you do porno or otherwise would make you feel this way.

Hopefully if you work out your self-esteem issues in therapy, alot of these shoulda's, coulda's, and shame issues will resolve.

You are normal - nothing wrong with being turned on by some porn!

Tranquility

((((Inny))))

Poor Inny. Don't beat yourself up, this is nothing to be ashamed of. You're aroused by sexual material because you're human, and humans like sex! It's natural!!! It's designed to cause sexual arousal and very likely would even for many people who are opposed to it. Actually I think most of those opposed are opposed to it because they feel it degrades the participants. I haven't heard that many people shouting that they're opposed to pornography because it's not arousing (though it's true that many prefer material that they consider less vulgar). If you feel ashamed looking at porn but like the arousal, then look for some of the erotic material that Maven suggested.

Don't punish yourself for natural physical reactions. Everyone likes feeling turned on. I occasionally read sexually explicit stories (always preferred stories to pictures). I try to stick with ones where the content doesn't make me ashamed. By that I mean that I know I can become aroused by some things that I'd rather not be aroused by. So I just avoid those and go with things I don't mind being aroused by. Human sexuality is bizarre and sometimes being ashamed of a particular desire actually enhances it. So you just have to look around and find what you're comfortable with.

But anyway, don't beat yourself up. Experiencing lust is not shameful. You didn't do anything wrong.

Sidony

thank you so much

((((maven)))))))

(((((((Tranquility)))))))

((((((Sidony))))))

once i woke up this morning i remembered that i wrote this and was so terrified to get back online and see what people would say to me...but you guys really made it alot nicer when you replyed to me...i appreciate that

Maven....your have a point ...maybe i should try something things that women have made for women....alot of other porn is also triggering because it is based around men (and i feel like its there to make men feel good even though women do get pleasure from it as well)

Tranquility- Your right i have no self essteem...at all in fact....and i tend to do alot of self destructive things to myself...and i tend to particpate in things that would punish me and or make me feel bad.....i know this might not make sense...but that is the best way i can say it without getting too direct about it...

Sidony- Your right ...i think i should look at stories more than pictures (if i ever get up the courage to actually get some) Thank you for sharing with me that otherse can be aroused by things even though they dont want to be aroused....i guess i cant make the difference between wanting and responding....i thought if my body responded then i must have wanted it....but its just my body responding....

thank you again all of you guys...i appreciate all your help and your responses....and all three of you said that i shouldnt be ashamed and im just human...and its what humans do....enjoy things....lol or are sidony said it...humans enjoy sex.....thank you again guys...maybe i wont be so hard on myself...i guess i need someone give me permission to let me give myself some slack once in a while...thanks guys....
love,
inny

you know what hon? alot of us whether we will admit it or not have watched porn and yes even been aroused by it. it is not I repeat NOT something you should punish yourself for. I did it when I was your age and a little beyond it. yes I got turned on by it. I am not ashamed of myself or what I did. I don't watch it now and haven't for many many years. please don't do this to yourself.

thanks bebop ((((bebop)))) i will stop punishing myself for it...and i am glad you arent ashamed of yourself or what you did...you shouldnt be cuz your a good person and my friend too ....i hope your doing well...

thanks again (((((bebop)))))))

awe inny you are so sweet. I am just an old woman and nothing to be ashamed of. honey everyone makes mistakes or what we think are mistakes but we all have things we don't share that are of the "personal" nature lol trust me lol oh the things I have done hehe