[alas]

Hi all,

Right now actually I go for a couple of months not wanting sex at all, then a few days of it and then I am done. I feel bad for my hubby when I do this because during those times I am unaffectionate as well. I don't cuddle or let him touch me I almost cringe when he puts his arms around me because I am sure it will only lead to one place.

I am wondering if I should just bite the bullet and have sex when he wants and just fake my interest and enthusiusm.

I have told him before that if it were just quicker, I would do it more but that has not gotton through. I can fake it for 5 minutes just not 3 hours.

This is going to be a paticular problem soon because we want to have a baby next year and clearly one=the other.

I just don't know what to do..

alas

[bonaire]

Do you both go a couple months without sex or do you go through with it without wanting to? Not sure from the post.

I'm in a sexless marriage (once a year) so I may not be entirely the right guy to answer. But here goes. It sounds like you may want to consider going to your medical doctor or even a therapist to see if maybe you have a hormone imbalance. You could be way down on a hormone that causes you to feel this way. They can do a blood test and check on that. Sex drive is basically hormone driven. Low tostesterone (in women, yes) can lead to less want/need to be close.

do you and your husband hold hands, hug or do other touching things during the day? Are you affectionate to him or others in the family? Were your younger years with your parents affectionate or lacking? Just wondering if that could be part of it. If all was good there go check on the hormones.

The reason I mentioned hormones is I caught a segment on Dr. Phil a few months back where they had mismatched couples (he wants sex, she doesn't) and dr. Phil was mentioning the hormone issue.

Get your hormones checked now before the baby since you want to know if you have an imbalance that could throw off how you nurture and are with the young one as they grow. Hormones are also part of mothering, nurturing and how you act around babies too.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by alas

I don't cuddle or let him touch me I almost cringe when he puts his arms around me because I am sure it will only lead to one place.

Do you know where these feelings are coming from? - and have you always had these feelings?
I ask for while I am not always in the mood for sex when my husband is and vise versa.... we do enjoy letting the other touch while we relax and enjoy the pleasure of sex with out intercourse.

[ncguynva]

Originally Posted by bonaire

Were your younger years with your parents affectionate or lacking? Just wondering if that could be part of it. If all was good there go check on the hormones.

not trying to steal the thread or anything, but what does having a less affectoinate relationship with your parents do? I for one had a pretty high sex drive when my wife and I were dating, but once we were married, it went down. My parents actually hardly showed any affection to each other when I was yougner and still dont to this day. I am not trying to argue but more so trying to understand.

[bonaire]

I agree. I think people like you and I had a high sex drive when we "flew the nest" away from home. I had a mom who raised me with limited affection - sure, there was a lot of caring mom stuff, but little in the way of loving affection, closeness and teaching about life. It was more like "you wouldn't want to do that...", "why should I support your college funds if you're just going to go out with girls". that kind of thing. So, yes, I had a high sex drive from that. But it wasn't an affectionate drive - more of a physical drive. I don't think it would be the same as if I/we were raised by affectionate families with a lot of "I love you, son", "I really think you're doing great", hugs, affection, talking about life and all that. That would lead to more personal growth such that intimacy was more important than sex.

You can be sexually addicted and not be very good with intimacy. so, I'm just trying to show the difference. I look at it as:

intimacy is freedom of expression and connected souls. sexuality is freedom of sharing your physical needs.

[prettyjolie]

wow bonaire.. you've really thought this sex thing through. lol

You are so right about the parent thing. They can influence you by telling you that sex is bad or a sin(like I was told and still being told today).

Anyway.. No I don't think you should fake it. Like mentioned above, get your hormones levels checked.. Oprah talked about this too.. lol.
Seriously though, if they aren't normal they can really mess with your sex drive.

And don't pretend you want to have sex if you don't. That's just rude to him and you're gonna make him think that you want to have sex as much as he does.. so you're kinda lying to him.. It'll complicate things because he won't be aware that don't want sex as much as he does. You need to address the problem, not pretend it's not there.

Good luck<3

[alas]

Hi all,

Thank you everyone for your replys. When are relationship first began to be sexual we were only together like that for a couple of days out of the month due to my buzy schedual. I think that gave him the wrong idea of what our relationship was going to be like because when we did have those couple of days together we mainly spent them in bed. He has a very strong sexual drive.

I am not overally attracted to men and that is part of the problem, I just thought because I loved him it wouldn't matter.

My parents were no unaffectionate towards eachother but they had an aray of other issues..abuse ect..

I almost hate men... no I lie I do hate them. I know its irrational and I really try with hubby, but my hatred runs deep.

He loves me alot... he has made many sacrafices and put up with more of his share for me, I just want to be able to let him initiate sex and go through with it without making him feel like a bad person.

When I seep into my depression my sex drive is just non existent.

Hormones? I hav a dr appt on the 3rd of march so I will definately bring that up.

anyway.. Thank you everyone for just listening.

alas

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by bonaire

I agree. I think people like you and I had a high sex drive when we "flew the nest" away from home. I had a mom who raised me with limited affection - sure, there was a lot of caring mom stuff, but little in the way of loving affection, closeness and teaching about life. It was more like "you wouldn't want to do that...", "why should I support your college funds if you're just going to go out with girls". that kind of thing. So, yes, I had a high sex drive from that. But it wasn't an affectionate drive - more of a physical drive. I don't think it would be the same as if I/we were raised by affectionate families with a lot of "I love you, son", "I really think you're doing great", hugs, affection, talking about life and all that. That would lead to more personal growth such that intimacy was more important than sex.

You can be sexually addicted and not be very good with intimacy. so, I'm just trying to show the difference. I look at it as:

intimacy is freedom of expression and connected souls. sexuality is freedom of sharing your physical needs.

I grew up in a family where affection lacked significantly. I was never told "I love you", "I'm proud of you", they never hugged or kissed affectionately. My father mentally abused us, and sometimes even hit, just because he was set off by the smallest things.

I believe in life, many things you are faced with you can go two ways...in this case you can be like your parents, or, as in my case, I vowed to never be like my parents. I tell my children all the time I love them, give them hugs, let them know how proud of them I am, and am there for them, even when I had my Internet gaming problems, I was still there for them. I am a touchy feely guy, I love hugs, kisses...and sex is just sex, but when you are with your partner (married, both of you truly in love, not just a b/f -g/f) , it's not sex, it's making love, it's the greatest form of intamacy you can share with your partner. Don't fake it, we can tell...My wife has PTSD and we go through sexual droughts, she used to fake it, but I am a long lover, and making love to somoene who doesn't want to is not like the pizza addage...we are in one now, over a month, and she is seeing T to go through CBT, I am here to support her and I love her, so the no making love thing is on for a while, it won't happen, but I can wait. I hate not getting the affection, but I have to deal with that because I love her and want her to get better. I would go with what others have said, see your doctor, but alos consider you may have an issue where you might want to see a therapist.

GL tho, it's tough, but you can get through it!

Back to the original question, no you should not fake it is a form of lying to them as was said earlier by somone (I forget who I am sorry) dosnt give them the opportunity to change things so that you enjoy it. There is a chance at anytime that they can find out that you was faking it and it could be the end of the relationship.

I really would get this sorted out BEFORE I tried for a baby.

After having a child you could find the feeling of not wanting to make love even more intense as babys can really tire you out.

Also sorry to be a pain in the backside but could this be moved to the sex forum ?

[Michah]

Can I ask a question? Are you attracted to your husband? The reason I ask is that I have a thyroid disorder and a shady history.......I hate being touched and my libido is non-existent......I am quite sick so I am never really in the mood.

The thing is, my attraction for my partner has never waivered. He is still as yummy as ever, I just dont have the physical manifestations.....it is very frustrating for both of us.....this has been going on for 4 years. So we have this sort of agreement......we both understand how sick i am, so I only have sex when I think I can, health wise. So I guess you could say I am "pretending" but I am not faking as there is nothing to fake......we both know where we stand.

I wonder if it is emotional or physical, your situation. You have had alot to deal with and conception is no mean feat for you......your Endocrinologist should have tested tour hormone levels and thyroid function......get that checked.......I think progesterone is one of the hormones behind libido.

Good luck babe, my heart goes out to you......keep us posted

And maybe this should be put on the sex forum..........

[PLEASE_STOP]

Originally Posted by alas

Hi all,

Right now actually I go for a couple of months not wanting sex at all, then a few days of it and then I am done. I feel bad for my hubby when I do this because during those times I am unaffectionate as well. I don't cuddle or let him touch me I almost cringe when he puts his arms around me because I am sure it will only lead to one place.

I am wondering if I should just bite the bullet and have sex when he wants and just fake my interest and enthusiusm.

I have told him before that if it were just quicker, I would do it more but that has not gotton through. I can fake it for 5 minutes just not 3 hours.

This is going to be a paticular problem soon because we want to have a baby next year and clearly one=the other.

I just don't know what to do..

alas

My wife feels the same way. I don't take it too bad though because there's times when "I" feel like this due to my meds.

We both understand and have come to except it. I'm going to be 53 and my wife is 59, so I guess it also comes with age.

I hope you two can work it out. Sex is not everything. It's great, but not everything. True love is it!

[bonaire]

In the last, oh, decade or so of marriage - I've come to the realization that sex has become a dating ritual. It's something that you use to determine if you're compatible in a physical way which translates to compatibility in a couple-centric way. Just like dancing would let you know if you're compatible sexually. Maybe it's cynical, but maybe more true than you think.

Just saw a really good PBS show about the Bonobo apes. They're closer to humans than Chimps in terms of social bonding and empathy. They do a great job raising their young but are highly sexually promiscuous. They use sex to "say hi" to others. It's virtually impossible to determine who the father of the young are. So, does that remind anyone of the '60s??

Sex has such costs in our society. It's something we all wanted as young (desire to procreate, natural body function). It's something we all pay terribly for if we share it with the wrong people (affairs, breakups, disease). So, it's no wonder we have such fears, taboos and hang-ups over it.

Something my wife and I did when we were dating that helps with the sex hang-ups. We removed body objectivity - by going to a clothing-optional beach from time to time. We both were comfortable with our bodies. It shocked a few neighbors when we told them we did that when we were younger - but it was very liberating. We don't do it now and my wife has developed a lot of hang-ups since then (I don't have them myself, never did). It's probably one of the best things people can do in their lives - if they can get past the taboos associated with it. It's a life lesson everyone should try.

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by bonaire

In the last, oh, decade or so of marriage - I've come to the realization that sex has become a dating ritual. It's something that you use to determine if you're compatible in a physical way which translates to compatibility in a couple-centric way. Just like dancing would let you know if you're compatible sexually. Maybe it's cynical, but maybe more true than you think.

Just saw a really good PBS show about the Bonobo apes. They're closer to humans than Chimps in terms of social bonding and empathy. They do a great job raising their young but are highly sexually promiscuous. They use sex to "say hi" to others. It's virtually impossible to determine who the father of the young are. So, does that remind anyone of the '60s??

Sex has such costs in our society. It's something we all wanted as young (desire to procreate, natural body function). It's something we all pay terribly for if we share it with the wrong people (affairs, breakups, disease). So, it's no wonder we have such fears, taboos and hang-ups over it.

Something my wife and I did when we were dating that helps with the sex hang-ups. We removed body objectivity - by going to a clothing-optional beach from time to time. We both were comfortable with our bodies. It shocked a few neighbors when we told them we did that when we were younger - but it was very liberating. We don't do it now and my wife has developed a lot of hang-ups since then (I don't have them myself, never did). It's probably one of the best things people can do in their lives - if they can get past the taboos associated with it. It's a life lesson everyone should try.

I really have to disagree on this one...I am no ape, I know what sex is, I know what making love is...yes, there is a huge difference. Intimacy in a relationship, a true love realtionship has nothing to do with just "sex"...I don't have sex with my wife, and no it's not semantics, I make love to my wife, my heart and soul are in it, I feel the love and it's the greatest expression of our love when it happens. When I had G/Fs it was just because it was fun, I didn't feel anything but that. The problem is society takes sex as a casual do it thing. Sex wasn't meant for ... have it with every person you date...it was meant for when you got married ... society has changed and made a lot of things ok that really aren't. Wow, comparing us to apes...that's kinda insulting to me.

I dunno I can think of a few ex boyfriends who fit the bill....

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by Tishie

I dunno I can think of a few ex boyfriends who fit the bill....

LOL! Well, there is that...

[bonaire]

You should know I wasn't comparing humans to apes. I was giving examples, that's all. The point is - we are all "trained" from birth. Our parents, our teachers, our religious leaders all shape us. They shape the next sentence we type on the computer to the 2-hour conversation about the price of used Harley Davidson Electra Glides in a down economy. We are what we are taught. Our words and feelings are interpretations of that.

If we are taught that making love is a joining of heart, mind, soul and life - then that's how we feel about it. If we are not taught anything at all and then dumped into our media system to watch how it's presented there - then we will feel entirely different about it. Raised by apes, act like apes, right? We do then add our own life learnings into that, reshaping our minds and emotions.

You have to know, though, that I am someone who knows for sure that animals besides humans have spirit. I cannot sustain the training that I was through as a child which told that only humans have spirit. So, I believe we can learn from the animals - including the Bonobo (does not partner), the duck (who partners for life) and all sorts of others.

We're all unique - but we're all in this together. Isn't it a wild ride?