[Nola22]

My entire being has been thrown off by family tragedy and deep despair. I barely eat and have not been out of the house since I arrived from the airport over a week ago. The dreams I have, when I manage *some* sleep, are so torturous and bizarre I cannot relate them here. At other times during these days, I have had a few marathon sleep sessions that do not equate with real rest. After I wake, I must confront the horrible situation that has consumed me, which in and of itself is exhausting.

I know I should take measures into my own hands, but I feel lost as I'm usually a decent sleeper and follow the cues of my body and mind to the best of my ability and as circumstances allow. Also, how do you even implement some sort of sleep regimen or take action when you are in emotional chaos? When everything has become hopeless?

I keep waiting to run out of steam. Instead, I am pushed around by a sluggish vortex of exhaustion and thoughts that won't permit rest.

[WePow]

Nola, I am very sorry to hear that you are in the midst of a family tragedy. It is a strange and exhausting emotion to have the rug pulled out from under our feet and watch as the rest of the world continues to rush on ahead.

It is very understandable that at this time you would be too exhausted to sleep.
If you can do so, try to listen to some favorite calming music about 30 min before you normally would have gone to bed. This should start to que your mind into getting back into the cycle of resting at a set time.

My heart goes out to you.

[Nola22]

Thank you, WePow, for your concern, understanding, and kindness, in all sincerity. Also, for your perceptiveness--this terrible, unforeseen situation has made me feel like I'm visiting my home planet, but I'm not from that world anymore, and never will be again. I keep wishing to start again, to walk into the house the night I'd gotten the news, make that call all over again, and everything's fine. Even when my mom was telling me, I kept asking her if she'd mind if I did just that, as if it would change the whole scenario...

Soothing music is a great suggestion. I wish I'd thought of it, but during these times I tend to avoid anything that brings pleasure. Makes no sense, you'd think I'd want some comfort, and I do. It just all seems so...foreign. So unknown. On top of that, I can't really think, so I don't know how I would come up with anything to begin with...

Any musical recommendations? From WePow or anyone who would like to make a suggestion--don't wish to put anyone on the spot! I listen to a lot of music that probably wouldn't be considered calming--rock, metal, blues, jazz, classical. Though I know there are exceptions to what I'm claiming here in each genre.

WePow, if I regain some strength and rejoin the world, please feel free to lean on me. Even before then. All the best to you.

[Gojamadar]

Hi Nola,
You are suffering from depression at present. I hope you don't turn to medicines take up some absorbing interst. Instead of listening to music, try playing an instrument; organ, piano, violin or anything that take your fancy. If you like to listen to music, it is only a small step to the next stage of learning to read it and to play it.
As W.S says; "Things past remedy should be past care" Whenever the thoughts of your bad furtune intrudes into your thoughtstream make a conscious effort to think of something else.
Regarding your dreams; don't take too much notice of the content. When you're upset and depressed, you sleep near the waking level of consciousness and remember a lot of rubbish. Most of the strange and violent parts of the dream have the function of raisin or keeping up the level of consciousness. The problem is worse if you take anti depressants or other medicines. Tiredness is another factor.
I wish you a happy New Year.

[WePow]

((((Nola)))) Boy do I hear you about wishing we could get a do-over.
I remember the last time I held my late fiance - that was when I was 24 and I am 40 now. He passed in a plane crash a few weeks later and for a long time I wished I had just done this or done that... The truth though is that I can't. And it just hurts more to wish I could.

I listened to Enya to put myself to sleep the months following. It was calming and allowed me to cry in a safe way and process through the deep pain.

Again, I am sorry for what happened.

[Nola22]

Gojamadar, thank you for your thoughtful reply. To be honest, I do not take medicines to alleviate these states, and I have not in the past. I also have no intention of beginning any such regimen, as I've often turned to others for relief in trying times. Talk (and the requisite willing ear) seems to help me get back on my feet. I have been fortunate to have known many patient people over the years who have helped me, though I have lost some of them too, even to death. Of those who remain, my mother and a very dear friend have helped me recently, though I am loathe to place too much of a burden on them (I probably already have). The decent, selfless people on this site such as yourself have aided me more than I can repay. I hope I can reciprocate in some way, or perhaps offer some solace to others down the road.

I do love music, and I am curious about the correlation between relieving depression and playing an instrument. I thought it funny you mentioned it, as I am a musician, though I stopped playing entirely after an earlier family tragedy. I stopped writing music too. I still hear an odd melody now and again, but I seldom respond to the stimulus. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss making music.

Seems the best I've done at diverting the relentless torture of my thoughts is to turn to lesser agonies, problems with which I was dealing before this horrid event, or traumas from years past.

Thank you too for the clarification about the twisted dreams I've been having. Under normal circumstances, even disturbing dreams hold a bit of intrigue when examined, but these days sleep boils down to a harrowing experience and wasted time, when or if if deigns to grace me.

I hope you have a great New Year too. I am incredulous at its imminence.

[Nola22]

Oh WePow, I cannot express my sadness at the loss of your fiance--words scarcely do justice to the agony that goes along with such a wretched event. I feel your pain, however hackneyed or trite an expression that is, as I lost an ex BF who had just come back into my life in a very sudden manner. I do not wish to divulge the details here, but he was a wonderful person who had come to my aid when my family had suffered a loss that stuns us to this day. That ex still loved me, and I him, and the relationship would have been renewed had he not passed away.

You make a very salient point about the destructive power of yearning and desire while enveloped in tragedy, even years after. I am scrambling to keep up with that here, while I feel I exist in multiple worlds, suffering from overlapping awarenesses that clash and provide bubbles of uneasy comfort.

Thank you for the music suggestion. I think using music as a place of safety and security when suffering the unimaginable is a good strategy. I hope I am up for it.

Anything I can do--please don't hesitate to ask.

[yellowted]

Enya is a great suggestion i too use her music to cry to and release my emotions I also use simon and garfunkle (really loud to 'sing' out my hurt during the day it exhausts me so i sleep better in the night)
Try writing your feelings down, i tend to find writing poetry helps me, it is a way of letting your feelngs out and be known, it is also a good way to resolve unanswered questions too, e.g why did .... happen or why do i feel ....
if i am really stressed or depressed i have a hot candle lit bubble bath with aromatherapy oils filling the air. I put the heating up high a while before, make sure the water is hot , warm the towels on the radiator, light the candles/oils, pour a small glass of my favourite wine, unplug the phone and switch on the heated blanket so my bed is warm to get in afterwards. then i say to myself 'ok there is lots of sxxt outside in the world none of which i can deal with at present, in here there is just me, nothing is going to change outside if i am not there, so it is ok for me to take some me time and to relax, everything will still be there in the morning when i will feel better able to deal with it after i have had a good nights sleep. ok it does not always send me to sleep but it does relax me enough to write, the writing usually sends me to sleep!

[Nola22]

yellowted, your relaxation method sounds divine, to say the least. I'm definitely the type to loll in a good soak, especially with a book, but your means of approaching this experience sound lovely. As soon as I'm able, I'm going to assemble some of the goodies you've mentioned and try to treat myself to that experience.

Writing can be cathartic for me, but often revs me up instead of helping me let go. However, that bath you've described can't be beat. You and everyone else who've been kind enough to reply are on to something--the idea of taking an active role in solving a problem, or at the very least, finding some relief, however temporary. I've been so scattered these last days with everything I've been through that forethought and planning seem foreign to me, and pleasure, well, downright unknown. Every day I shall give it another shot, or at least try.

Thank you so much for caring, yellowted.

[yellowted]

no problem xx hope it works for you xx sleep tight xx

[sanityseeker]

Hi Nola. I hope sleep has been good to you lately. I love the ideas shared here. Showing yourself kindness seems to be the theme. Something the pressure of crisis often seeks to deny us when we need it the most.

I am so sorry to hear or your family tragedy and subsequent dispair. May each day shower you with healing comfort. Sweet dreams and restful sleeps.

[Nola22]

sanityseeker, I definitely agree--folks put a lot of thought into their responses here, and all the ideas are excellent ones. I'm very appreciative of the variety of experiences and perspectives here. I'd like to print this list as a reminder of things I can do when sleep refuses to cooperate, and also to remind me of the selflessness of others when a fellow human being is in crisis.

I agree again in that being gentle with yourself seems to be a common theme here, and I often forget that kindness to the self is important, especially during times of suffering.

Thank you for your compassion and empathy--they mean a great deal, believe me. Things here are difficult, to say the least...and the warmth and happiness our house has known cannot be found right now.

All the best to you.

[sanityseeker]

Thank you Nola. May warmth and happiness fill your home again soon. Meanwhile embrace the love that heals. Be good to yourself while you regain your strength. Blessings.

[Nola22]

Thank you, sanityseeker, so much...I had to simply say that, as well as clicking the little button. Thank you. It means everything right now.

[sanityseeker]

(((((Nola))))))