[doggiedo]

Today is a perfect example- I wanted to do all of this stuff today and I didn't get anything done. No matter what I do, I am never be happy with what I get done. I'm constantly hating myself for not being more productive or getting more stuff done. Then when I do get suff done, I still hate myself bc I wish I hade done something else.

I hate myself so much I don't even know what to do with myself. How do I stop being so hard on myself. I hate myself so much, it's pitiful.

[-jimi-]

I learned that I've actually tried, even if it doesn't really show. I just don't possess the same talents some other do. I'm good at some things, but I'm not good at doing in itself. So I rarely get things done. Seems like my mind was created that way and there is little I can do to change it.

It makes me quite sad, because I will die without ever making the tiniest dent in the timeline of humanity.

"If a job's worth doing it's worth doing poorly"

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...is-worth-doing

I think it's better to do something, even if it falls short of our own expectations, than to avoid doing it altogether. Perfectionism can limit our lives and keep the cycle low self-esteem going.

Jimrat, not many people do make any more than the tinniest dint in the timeline of humanity - doesn't mean they or you don't matter though.

[-jimi-]

Yea, but I don't see myself as most people. Also those other people seem to have a sense of here and now kind of fun that I never understood.

I'm not less of a person for being a failure, but I feel I'm running out of life and that my complete life has been a total waste. Maybe I ask more of life than others, but also I think people choose a cause in life that is easier succeeding with. At the same time I don't ask for much, just functioning somewhat would please me to some degree, but I have absolutely no talent or patience for things like cleaning and organizing. I was probably meant to live in a small hut that you could burn when it got too messy....

I'm sorry to read that you feel that way about yourself, I can identify with what you say about cleaning - I'm quite a disorganised person by nature myself and have to force myself to do chores (I always feel better for having done them, but it always feels a chore).

You may not have a talent or patience for cleaning & organisation but your comment about living in a small hut to be burnt down when too messy shows you have a good sense of humour which is always an asset.

[-jimi-]

In a way it wasn't a joke. When I go live at the summer house (really small and very few things), I function much better. Modern life is not so much like that. I wish I could simplify my life here as well.... but I develop emotional bonds to items. Yay me, not.

My boss told me I should work more than I do (I'm a volunteer) and she said because she doesn't think I function any worse at home! I had no idea what to say! I was too shocked. It's much easier functioning in an environment where my every move is planned (Work follows a strict schedule) and there is the social pressure to do it correctly. Nothing like this exists at home......

I had such high hopes for myself when I was 18-19. I had talents no one else seemed to have. And I ruined it all... My illnesses and issues ruined it.

I had so many plans and ideas... I still have a lot of cool ideas..... but nothing ever comes out of them. I always feel like a worn out rag. I so wish I was healthy.

[doggiedo]

JimRat - sounds like your boss said something very insensitive and maybe she doesn't know the entire situation or might not be aware of your challenges?

Maybe I ask more of life than others

It sounds like you might be asking more of yourself (rather than life) than other people. Do you think you hold higher expectations of yourself than you do for a friend or a loved one?

[-jimi-]

My boss knows my issues. I made everything very clear when she "hired" me. Now my coworker is starting to question why I'm on disability because there is nothing wrong with me according to her. She gets very loud about it.

I had high expectations of myself in some areas because I know, that without the obstacles, I would be something great. It saddens me that the obstacles exist...

When it comes to everyday kind of functioning I just realize I suck at it. It more scares me than makes me think I'm bad. It doesn't matter what I ask from me here, if I don't fix my place up, I might get evicted. I wouldn't like that.

I ask a lot of other people. I don't hang out with people who cannot challenge me or have any own talents. I simply cannot stand mixing with "normal" people, because they bore me to death. I know it is a horrible thing to say, but even my care workers drive me crazy. I should look up to them because they have a good grasp of life, they can drive a car, they can hold down a job.... But they have no curiosity and if you mention anything that is the slightest complex, they are lost instantly and they revert to talk about the weather. And god help you if you say cumulus cloud then... Then they might change the topic to sports...

I know it is a horrible thing to say, but even my care workers drive me crazy. I should look up to them because they have a good grasp of life, they can drive a car, they can hold down a job....

It would only be horrible if you did say it out loud to them, keep it as an inward thought and I don't see the problem, these are people who circumstance has thrown you together with - nice if you did like/admire them, but if not then OK.

I can see you feel out of control with how your health/life has gone & I don't intend to minimise the sadness you feel, but I hope in time you will work through this and adjust your goals and feel in control again.

As goes your co-worker, IMO talking about your personal situation is out of order & not conducive to a healthy working atmosphere, perhaps you might consider taking this to your boss? If your boss doesn't tackle it would you consider volunteering elsewhere?

[-jimi-]

Yea, I've thought about quitting. My boss is mad though, so talking to her would only cause more problems. I'm torn, because some of the work is rewarding.

I had a time where I tried to like what I could do, instead of trying to do what I liked and couldn't. It worked for half a decade. Now I'm bored with those things, wondering where my life went, knowing I might maybe have 1-2 more decades to live and I'm sort of running out of time.

When I was young I always thought things could change, because I had the time. Now I know I'd better stop lazying around and get a grip if I ever want to be anything than a leech and a loser.

I never get anything done and I constantly am making mistakes. I feel like a total failure at everything I try to do.

[Bulinka]

I try to don't think about that what I'm doing and how. I heard so many times that I can't do anythink good and every single move was wrong. It's incredible that just a teacher can do so big damages in your mind. Thanks to parents and really close friends I started accept my work. Never thought it'll be so hard to forget. But the only thing I can do is trying to see/believe to other that I'm worth sth and don't give up so easy. Maybe some day I will sure who I really am.

[ladytiger]

i feel that way too. i had teachers in the past who had very high expectations of me some nominated me in a competition that i had no interest in and demanded that i do for the "sake of the school and being a good teacher." they were teachers who believed in me i guess but made me feel ****** because i dropped out or ****ed up on purpose to drop out.

i had a teacher made me feel like crap because i couldn't live up to her expectations and cried. after that, when i had to talk to her she talked down to me as if i was a pos. she then went to her very bright student and was much more nicer to her than me i hated the girl only cuz she was highly bright.

it was hurtful for some of my teachers to treat me like that. i told one off saying i am sorry i can not do anything right. i am sorry for not being your star pupil/gifted child. i am sorry that i am not smart enough for you. i am sorry for not living up to high expectations. i am sorry for being such a burden to you since i am your student and i am sorry you can not do anything with me. this teacher was flabbergasted!! she didn't know what to say then she became irate and we had words back and forth.

she called my mom saying i had a negative, rude attitude and she needed to fix it. the teacher did ask me why can't i live up to expectations? your parents have high hopes for you and i said no they dont - its true they dont and still dont to this day. they never had high hopes for their kids only for the public so the public would think we r a loving family not true they never knew the real stories.

i can not live up to my parents' "phoney expectations" because they were never there for me nor stood up for me in school. i didn't come from a family of winners that we strive for success as my mom was never successful in her life and my dad worked but terrorize and stole from his coworkers/employers using threats and manipulation techniques.

[fibereagle]

I'm the same way.

[Lost Lamb]

All my teachers called me dumb and slow. Made me still feel dumb. If only teachers and sometimes parents would think about what they are saying.

[Harley1]

Originally Posted by toastie

"If a job's worth doing it's worth doing poorly"

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...is-worth-doing

I think it's better to do something, even if it falls short of our own expectations, than to avoid doing it altogether. Perfectionism can limit our lives and keep the cycle low self-esteem going.

Jimrat, not many people do make any more than the tinniest dint in the timeline of humanity - doesn't mean they or you don't matter though.

I really like this, thank you.

[LiveThroughThis]

God I relate to so many of these posts. Jimrat, I'm with you on the had-high-hopes-now-it's-all-over kind of thing. When I was younger I aspired to somewhat big things (they weren't typical careers, but they sounded fun to me). But I've always been a slow-to-motivation kind of person, annnnd it doesn't help that my stamina wears out (school was a good example of that). Maybe it's the Bipolar part of me, I dunno, but I can get full speed into something for awhile, then just drop it.

I read recently where a person with mental illness (perhaps Bipolar) moved from her very busy hometown to a quiet house in the mountains out West, and she spoke of how having such little hustle-bustle brought her an immense amount of sanity and stability. I live in a small town but sometimes I crave smaller.....like living in a house up on a mountain/hill, and then driving a few minutes to get to the main part of the town, or the "strip." Anyway when I read the woman's story I thought it really applied to me. Even now, when I go to my hometown (which is not a huge city, but a pretty substantial town) the traffic is just too much, too much stimulation. Ppl who aren't as sensitive as I/we don't get how that's irritating or triggering.

I have disappointed ppl off and on for a long time. In school I was depressed so grades slipped. I disappointed my whole fam when I dropped out of college (too boring, depressed, etc.). And now that I'm learning through T I have to set boundaries and limit my interactions to ppl that drain me, (my fam) I disappoint them there as well. It's REALLY hard to remember that I'm taking care of me, and if it doesn't please others, too bad.

But I'm just as hard on myself. I've been up 3 hours and what have I done? Be on here and surf the web. Partially because I feel I need to go nap, but also because there's so much to tackle just in one room alone, it's overwhelming.

So...... I'm with all of you. It sucks.

[midlifesearchjayne]

You sound so much like me. The feeling of having wasted a life is a dreadfull one to experience. Boredom too is awfull, it makes everything drag.

[Melancolic]

Made allot of mistakes growing up. hesitated posting for along time, i dont deserve to sorry