I tend to look to others for approval because I don't like anything about myself. I've always felt good when I was in a personal relationship with a guy because as far back as I can remember having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with someone was a status of how much someone else liked you and it never really seemed to matter if you liked yourself just as long as the other person was there. I've been "on my own" at least where that is concerned for almost 12 years. I am a twin and always believed that I'd be married first because although it is only by a minute I am the older twin and from the time we were 16 she had said she would never be married, well as of the 25th of May next year she will have been married for 14 years. She got married the May before I lost my last "love". Now I am believing that I'll never get married although I have wanted to ever since I was 16. Sometimes I feel that it's unfair that the twin that pretty much hated guys and was never getting married has had a wonderful guy to be married to for the last 13-14 years and I've been alone. I've always heard that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you, but all the guys in my life that I "dated before 2003 loved me when I didn't love myself or at least that's what they said. One even asked me to marry him but we broke it off because he was too much of a MOMMA'S boy and I think I had told him I planned on us living between where his parents lived and where mine lived because he lives in the middle of the state I live in and I live on the extreme eastern end of the state which is about 2 or 3 hours apart or something like that so I figured that halfway between our families would work for both us because that way either family could come help if we needed it because he had the same disability I have. He ended up finding a woman who would live with him at his parent's house and married her. How do you LIKE yourself when you have so much you HATE about yourself? So confused!

[kaliope]

work by first finding one good thing about you and focusing on that. then start adding more. one strength. one thing you are good at.

[dwfieldjr]

Originally Posted by kaliope

work by first finding one good thing about you and focusing on that. then start adding more. one strength. one thing you are good at.

I agree with this.

Maybe say some positive things to yourself in the mirror everyday and smile when you do it. That will give you more strength to help yourself instead of feeling bad.

[anothercliché]

Start with little things. I have self confidence issues because I'm ****** at everything, but I am perfectly content with my body. Sure it's overweight, overly hairy, and I have the face of a constipated walrus hit with a shovel, but I genuinely like the body I have. Why? Because it functions perfectly fine. My arms lift, my legs move me, my heart pumps at standard human capacity, my nerves are accurate, my eyes do not require corrective lenses and have shown no signs of degradation despite both sides of my family having notoriously poor eyesight, and my organs all work as they are designed to. I may be ugly and unfit, but I'm perfectly healthy (apart from my brain) and I like having no pills, no disabilities or requisite surgeries. That's where I start, small things.

The problem is I HATE my body even though I have lost some weight because of a gastric bypass. I didn't want to have it even though I hated being as fat as I was. I lost about 99 lbs at the most and have started gaining some back, which makes my mom madder because since I am handicapped I still live at home. My legs don't move, my arms barely move and at times my heart beats way too fast. My nerves are shot, I feel like an oddball because I am the only person in my immediate family who doesn't need corrective lenses but in about 5 years I'll probably like my eyes because that's about how long my eye doctor said it might be before I'll need them. I'm not healthy by far, I had to have bags on both sides of my body because my bowels and bladder don't work how they were designed to because I can't control them. I take more pills than I have ever had to have and still don't feel like I have the right ones or the combination that would make me feel better. I have a disability, and I've had over 100 surgeries in my life and I'm only 35. So basically I feel like something the cat dragged in, pooped, peed and puked on, then spit out.

[anothercliché]

Originally Posted by Nala5065

The problem is I HATE my body even though I have lost some weight because of a gastric bypass. I didn't want to have it even though I hated being as fat as I was. I lost about 99 lbs at the most and have started gaining some back, which makes my mom madder because since I am handicapped I still live at home. My legs don't move, my arms barely move and at times my heart beats way too fast. My nerves are shot, I feel like an oddball because I am the only person in my immediate family who doesn't need corrective lenses but in about 5 years I'll probably like my eyes because that's about how long my eye doctor said it might be before I'll need them. I'm not healthy by far, I had to have bags on both sides of my body because my bowels and bladder don't work how they were designed to because I can't control them. I take more pills than I have ever had to have and still don't feel like I have the right ones or the combination that would make me feel better. I have a disability, and I've had over 100 surgeries in my life and I'm only 35. So basically I feel like something the cat dragged in, pooped, peed and puked on, then spit out.

Hey, I didn't say what makes me feel a little bit better would do the same for you. I'm still **** at everything, I just have the small consolation of a functioning body. I was just saying start small and pointing out where I started.

Sorry, I was just pointing out that I've tried that and it didn't work because I don't have anything I really like about myself.

[vonmoxie]

Perhaps that you are committed to your own honest progress in that you have been steadfast in the person you are, even though the rewards are not always as quickly forthcoming as for those whose personal ideals may be somewhat more frivolous? Seems admirable to me, so maybe you could start with that. Respecting yourself for not taking the easier ways out. For being willing to go the hard way, and not cheapening your ideals. Nothing worth having is gotten easily after all.

Just an idea. Good luck.

[Vonrek]

Originally Posted by Nala5065

Sorry, I was just pointing out that I've tried that and it didn't work because I don't have anything I really like about myself.

You have recognized a problem in your life, this is actually a good thing and something you should count as positive. You are reaching out to others in your search fro help on the internet, this is also a good thing about you. Set goals like not eating sugary foods for one day or one eating cycle. When you succeed make sure you compliment yourself for having achieved a goal.

Vonrek

[hamster-bamster]

I do not think you need to try going from HATING yourself to LIKING yourself, but rather to feeling compassion for yourself. That is a big missing piece at present.

You are objectively handicapped and have been served way more than your fair share of hardships in life. What is there to hate?

I am not talking about a pity party, but genuine compassion for self.

[Webgoji]

Well, for what it's worth I'm a turd. Seriously, I'm not attractive. But like everyone has said, I've been chewing on that elephant one bite at a time.

I started by looking in the mirror. I said to myself, "Okay, there are those things I hate about me so let's ignore them and look for something. You know ... if I separate my eyes from the rest of this mess ... they are very kind and soft looking. Hey, I'm going to keep that in mind."

So I decided that I like my eyes. They aren't pretty or gorgeous or whatnot, just very kind looking and I'm good with that.

So I looked again. I'm bald as an 8-ball. But I took another look, "You know, I've got the right head for this. Most people don't have the noggin for being bald, but I do."

That was two things.

So what I'm saying is disregard the big picture that you don't like. You need to take an objective look at the details that the rest of us see. Are there aspects of your personality that are just awesome? Honesty, strength? Do you have cute toes? Seriously, stop trying to look at it all in comparison to something else and take a good look at your details.

It's helped me.

[Tommo]

I went through this some number of years back...and I found a real deal cure. It sounded silly to me...but I still do it.

Get a small notepad and keep it with you at all times. Do something nice for someone then put a mark in it...ya know...four marks then a cross to make it five...that sort of thing. Hold a door open for someone...and put a mark in it. Let someone in a snarled traffic spot...put a mark in the book. Make the checkout kid smile at the supermarket...put a mark in the book.

I GUARANTEE that when you run out of space and need another book...you will feel like a new person. You will definitely NOT hate yourself...because it just isn't reasonable to not like "you".

Silly??? Yeah. So what....

Not sure how to do that, I feel sorry for myself because of my physical handicap and all that I can't do because of it. Also, I had thoughts of where I'd be in life by now that haven't come true and I hate that so compassion for myself is more like self-pity.

[hamster-bamster]

I think self-pity in your case is very understandable and nothing to berate yourself for. But what Tommo suggested can be accomplished online. There is a lot of help that you can provide to others without leaving house. Not only online, but in person - you can probably tutor kids at your home, for pay or for free as volunteering.

Also, when the guy who chose the woman who agreed to live in his parents' house married that woman, you started hating yourself (per the OP). But why? It is not that he rejected YOU (even then it may not have been wise to hate yourself...), but he chose a more convenient arrangement. No reason to hate YOU because of that.

I have very little compassion for myself because I feel like to have compassion for yourself you have to at least like one thing about yourself and since I don't like anything about myself. I pity myself more than anything. I could never hurt myself, but as far as self-esteem and compassion I can't feel those for myself only wishing I could be different.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Nala5065

I have very little compassion for myself because I feel like to have compassion for yourself you have to at least like one thing about yourself and since I don't like anything about myself. I pity myself more than anything. I could never hurt myself, but as far as self-esteem and compassion I can't feel those for myself only wishing I could be different.

Nala,

You are objectively saddled with much more than your fair share of difficulties, impediments, challenges, disabilities, mobility impairments, and what not. Really, your life is an example of how unfair the world is. Unfair, simply - why did you draw the unlucky card?

I assume that you have some mental illness as well, since you are on this site, or at least a mental health concern; whether it predated your physical disability or is a result of it I do not know. But you probably have something, since you are on here.

So you are struggling with so much more an average Jane does, and yet you are making things EVEN WORSE by comparing yourself to the average Jane or to your married twin sister, and those comparisons that are sooooo much not in your favor cause you to dislike yourself and wish you could be different from what you are, making more troubles creep up on you - on top of your objective challenges you have "heaped upon" yourself low self-esteem, lack of self-compassion and self-respect, and rigid beliefs!!!

You do not need to LIKE anything about yourself to have compassion for self. Compassion for self comes from realizing that you are you, that you are special and unique and infinitely LOVEable - not LIKEable, but LOVEable, and that nobody but you is fully capable by giving you the care that you need. Is your mom capable? No, per your report, she is not. Is your sister capable? She probably feels ashamed that she is so lucky and it is hard to deliver love and care from the place of shame. Nobody currently can give you the love and care you need, so it gets dumped into your lap! The duty of caring for you got dropped into your lap - you might get some helpers, but ultimately you own it - nobody is going to care. You need to care for you. People can be supportive, but nobody would replace your own good judgment and your own compassion for self, which is a version of unconditional love, and as such does not require that you like any aspects of you, because requiring that you like something means placing conditions on your love for yourself.

Despite her age my mom does a good job at taking care of the things I can't for me, but that makes me wonder more what I'll do when she's gone. My twin has always said she'd bring me to live with her, but so far she hasn't learned one of the medical things that will need to be taken care of by someone other than me and I worry that she won't be able to do it so we'll have to have someone else around who already knows how to help with it. I guess my biggest problem is the fear that I'll soon be alone and not have anyone to really help me care for myself. So it stresses me out and increases my depression that I've dealt with for 17 years. My parents are currently in good health so I don't worry that anything will happen soon, but I am unclear as to what will happen when they aren't around anymore.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Nala5065

Despite her age my mom does a good job at taking care of the things I can't for me, but that makes me wonder more what I'll do when she's gone. My twin has always said she'd bring me to live with her, but so far she hasn't learned one of the medical things that will need to be taken care of by someone other than me and I worry that she won't be able to do it so we'll have to have someone else around who already knows how to help with it. I guess my biggest problem is the fear that I'll soon be alone and not have anyone to really help me care for myself. So it stresses me out and increases my depression that I've dealt with for 17 years. My parents are currently in good health so I don't worry that anything will happen soon, but I am unclear as to what will happen when they aren't around anymore.

Nala,

the way I see it, your sis has not learned to do one of the necessary medical things because doing so would be an indirect act of planning for your parents' death. The death of parents is one of the touchiest and most taboo subjects for children. Planning for the death of a parent or parents is difficult, and sometimes even acknowledging the fact that they are going to die and not live forever is difficult. If you ever have a chance to just visit your twin sister, then maybe you can, in a low key and matter-of-fact manner, request that she learn to do that one medical thing. Just for your stay.

Are you on SSDI or SSI? Have you verified that your old adaptive aquatics place has shut down? Did they refer to you to a similar place or no?

I haven't been there in several years, but I think the reason I stopped going was because they were shutting down or at least not teaching swimming lessons which was the only reason I went to begin with was to learn to swim. I was still in school then and I've been out for 17 years. I started getting SSI when I was 18. The only way that we see each other is when she comes here which right now is not as often as she usually only comes when we have her kids and she hasn't worked in a while. She is looking for another job right now. I have not found another place yet, but I'm looking.

I'm kinda the one always asking for help from others. My opinions are NEVER asked for if I give it it is because I choose to. Everyone says I have a great smile, but I have to MAKE myself smile because I'm never really happy. I've not been truly happy since I graduated high school over 17 years ago. Helping others isn't anything I can do because of my disability I usually NEED more help than I can give.

Today my depression was made that much worse by the sudden death of a cousin that I call my aunt because she was always more than just a cousin. She had a heart attack and I'm not aware that she even had any heart problems.