Feeling unworthy of friends

May 27, 2015, 08:18 AM

I seem to be having a bit of a set back with my self-esteem issues.

Basically I've been quite a closed person for years, other than my family I have never really had friends. I'm shy and find it difficult to open up to others, although on the surface I seem quite an okay 'up' person inside I lack confidence. Deep down I have always thought I'm not worthy of friendships.

In recent years I made great steps, through sport and volunteering I have made contacts and even some friends too. I have opened up to a few people, one particularly, and while I made connections it's made me feel really vulnerable. Posting this right now makes me feel really vulnerable.

I'm not as clever, smart, independent or achieving as the people I mix with. That is fact, I can't even get a paid job despite trying. I feel like they are just being kind and putting up with me. I try not to think this way but I can't help it. The thoughts are really crowding in on me at the moment, I can't seem to counteract them.

The urge to curl up into a ball is very strong today.

CANDC · May 27, 2015, 07:13 PM

Prefabsprout, I think you are a center of enthusiasm and joy about ready to burst out of its cocoon. I really respect you for opening up in this forum.

The Dalai Lama says money does not make you happy. If you are at the end of life with lots of money, so what it will be all gone soon.

If you are nearing the end of life, or even in the middle of it, and you can remember the people you helped then going to sleep is a lot easier.

When thoughts are crowding in on me I do this simple breathing exercise with natural breathing.
Internally count 1 and be aware of the inhale, count 2 as I exhale, 3 as I inhale, 4 as I exhale continuing in this way up to 10. Then start over again at one.

Anytime this happens internally say 1 and the awareness starts. 2...

May 28, 2015, 03:44 AM

Quote:

Prefabsprout, I think you are a center of enthusiasm and joy about ready to burst out of its cocoon. I really respect you for opening up in this forum.

That is a lovely thing to say. Thank you.

Quote:

The Dalai Lama says money does not make you happy. If you are at the end of life with lots of money, so what it will be all gone soon.

I agree. I'm a very non-materialistic person and money doesn't interest me. I think what I'm struggling with at the moment is my lack of status compared to others around me who have good careers. Maybe it's my ego. I got another job rejection last week and think this may have triggered these feelings of unworthiness.

Quote:

If you are nearing the end of life, or even in the middle of it, and you can remember the people you helped then going to sleep is a lot easier.

That's very interesting, my husband has said much the same, about how many people I have helped through my volunteering. I tend to do it and not think of it.

Quote:

When thoughts are crowding in on me I do this simple breathing exercise with natural breathing.
Internally count 1 and be aware of the inhale, count 2 as I exhale, 3 as I inhale, 4 as I exhale continuing in this way up to 10. Then start over again at one.

Thank you, I will try that.

orangyred · May 29, 2015, 06:05 PM

Great job on opening up! That's tough. I do fine (most days) opening up in a forum (can't see all the posts I deleted

), but to actually make friends or go volunteering? Um, no. So I say again great job!

I really relate to a lot of what you said here. So I really feel for you. That stuff hurts.

I hope since you've posted originally that you have found a way to counteract the desperate and overwhelming feelings.

May 30, 2015, 01:20 PM

Thanks orangyred, yes that stuff does hurt.

I am feeling a lot better thank you, the support I have been offered here has also helped a lot so it was worth that vulnerable feeling when posting.

I used to think friends and volunteering were beyond me too, but it turned out when I gave myself a chance I was wrong - both are the best things I ever did for myself. You can too.

Jun 15, 2015, 03:21 AM

Coming back to this one rather than starting a new thread because it's basically a continuation of a theme.

I had a very sociable week last week, which pushes my comfort zone, I can see I am making huge progress in opening up and putting myself out there (probably not a big deal to most people but a bigger deal to me). The underlying feeling I had was still that I feel undeserving, I have all these nice people around me saying lovely things and I feel like I don't deserve it. I have the loveliest new friend, had him over with my family, I cooked for everyone and we had the nicest time, lots of laughs together - afterwards, next day, I still felt that undeserving feeling. This was all in the face of the affirmative kind things he said to me.

I'm not sure if there is a way to ever undo such knotted thinking.

CANDC · Jun 15, 2015, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Coming back to this one rather than starting a new thread because it's basically a continuation of a theme.

I had a very sociable week last week, which pushes my comfort zone, I can see I am making huge progress in opening up and putting myself out there (probably not a big deal to most people but a bigger deal to me). The underlying feeling I had was still that I feel undeserving, I have all these nice people around me saying lovely things and I feel like I don't deserve it. I have the loveliest new friend, had him over with my family, I cooked for everyone and we had the nicest time, lots of laughs together - afterwards, next day, I still felt that undeserving feeling. This was all in the face of the affirmative kind things he said to me.

I'm not sure if there is a way to ever undo such knotted thinking.

I always find you very cordial and welcoming. I was pressed on with guilt when I was a child. "You have everything, you should be appreciative, when we were kids we really suffered." It did a blow to self esteem.

Low self esteem can create that kind of thinking as undeserving. There is a forum on esteem here at PC.

You really do deserve what is happening to you because you are you. When you can look in the mirror and say it and believe it, then this load will be lighter.

06:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CANDC

I always find you very cordial and welcoming. I was pressed on with guilt when I was a child. "You have everything, you should be appreciative, when we were kids we really suffered." It did a blow to self esteem.

Low self esteem can create that kind of thinking as undeserving. There is a forum on esteem here at PC.

You really do deserve what is happening to you because you are you. When you can look in the mirror and say it and believe it, then this load will be lighter.

It's funny you should say that about guilt as a child, it's something that was a part of my childhood and I have consciously striven to avoid that with my own child. One of the knockout comments my friend made when he came over was how affirmative both me and my husband are with our son. He also called me a kind, funny and interesting friend - it triggered feelings of being undeserving, go figure as they say.

What you say about deserving because I am me is very powerful. I need to believe this.

Thanks again CANDC.

Fuzzybear · Jul 31, 2015, 04:27 PM

Aug 01, 2015, 01:38 AM

Would it help to imagine yourself at your most vulnerable, maybe as a child, and practice feeling compassion and protection toward yourself in that state.

I got that exercise from a book called The Tools. The authors used the term 'shadow'. Your shadow is the part of you that you want to keep hidden from others. They thought it was important to come up with a specific image of yourself at your worst or most vulnerable. Then you practice picturing that version of you beside you/with you and you cultivate compassion, love and understanding for your shadow. Then the real you kind of becomes a protector of that vulnerable self inside you, kind of like a big sister. It has helped me some. It feels like a weight lifted sometimes. If I can love myself and feel worth in myself at my worst and most ashamed then it can feel like I have nothing to lose.

I'm also shy. I think you are lovely by the way and deserving. I hope it is ok to say that I hope it doesn't trigger you.

Aug 01, 2015, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenMoss

Would it help to imagine yourself at your most vulnerable, maybe as a child, and practice feeling compassion and protection toward yourself in that state.

I got that exercise from a book called The Tools. The authors used the term 'shadow'. Your shadow is the part of you that you want to keep hidden from others. They thought it was important to come up with a specific image of yourself at your worst or most vulnerable. Then you practice picturing that version of you beside you/with you and you cultivate compassion, love and understanding for your shadow. Then the real you kind of becomes a protector of that vulnerable self inside you, kind of like a big sister. It has helped me some. It feels like a weight lifted sometimes. If I can love myself and feel worth in myself at my worst and most ashamed then it can feel like I have nothing to lose.

I'm also shy. I think you are lovely by the way and deserving. I hope it is ok to say that I hope it doesn't trigger you.

Thank you Greenmoss, I like that visualisation idea.

I am practising self-compassion and find it helps hugely. I do still get overwhelmed in group situations, but I'm working on exposure to that.

Hugs to you, no you didn't trigger me that is a lovely thing to say

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