I have a question regarding this issue...

I have an issue with fixing my self esteem and it is this:

1. I came from an abused background and now everything I am reading says to fix myself I have to work ten times harder then anybody else to fix these issues.

So I was abused, they go scott free and I have to work harder? Where is the justice in that?

2. I tried this whole positive thing for a month and had the same results socially and the rest. I feel I need a positive to continue me on the path of being positive.

I made plans over Xmas with people and asked other people just to be around me as friends and when that feel through I fell off that horse and hard..what was the point if it changed nothing in the real world?

I know this post is short and snippy to a degree and my heart of hearts knows it is all up to me, which is another thing I hate as as said I did nt cause this why do I get the beating and the work to recover?

Just looking for thoughts and also if anyone has felt similar...thanks.

One thing to remember is that recovery is a long slow process. You get better incrementally, not huge bounds at a time. (Tho it could happen, as in a sudden understanding or break through.)

I know it doesn't seem fair that the people who screwed you up go on about their business and you are left to try to deal with the damage, and it's not, but you can't change them, you can only change you. Forgiveness is for you, not the others. It is letting go of the bad feelings inside of you. It does not mean the abuse didn't happen or that it was really ok for them to do it. And it certainly doesn't mean that you go around them for more abuse. It means that you are healing yourself in spite of the past and present.

Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Don't beat yourself up for mistakes. Stay away from things and people that cause negative emotions. And above all, keep trying. You are a survivor!

Regarding your first question. There is no justice. Reality is what reality is, there is no good or bad. Only we give a meaning. ( Don't be angry about this, it will help you in the long run.
But this is only a problem for you because you're still not happy. Have no fear....you will be;-)

Because of the abbuse you create ways of thinking that are not helping you. This maybe a lack of faith in humans. ( Like I had) . This translates into patterns ( ways you behave) that produce the same outcome, again and again. You have to get new patterns.

I've also had an abusive upbringing. It won't take a long proces if you know what to kook for. Being positive is not enough.

You have to fix a couple of things first.
1) See reality exactly as it is.
2) Create a sollution.

After you have done this ( and I know it works). You will feel at peace and can do anything you set your mind to.

If you like I can make a longer post to help you.

verything I am reading says to fix myself I have to work ten times harder then anybody else to fix these issues, rough indeed, but what alternative do you have?

To let my brain stay in it's 'comfy shoes' and complete my self fulfilling prophecy just to be able to shout: "Told you so" from my deathbed?

Morbid I know, I just wish I could see results from the work I tried to put in that month...

PS: Love the song that is your username...

Yes, please do...my issue is it seems like so much work and I worked so hard in my abusive past just to keep the peace, stay safe and avoid things like the emotions from taking care of my sick mom that I feel like I want a guarentee that things will work if I put in the effort.

What set me back was holidays are hard for me and I made plans that fell through so it would not seem so bad.

I also asked like 8 people to see a film with me and no one would, so I was trying and being positive and I felt like if these changes cannot even get ppl to see a film with me, what hope do bigger challenges have..and I fell off the wagon after NYE when I was alone and lost.

Thing is I became what many people who are abused become..I no longer needed my abuser because I do it myself now.

I know where those neg thoughts are, they are front and center. I fell in love with a woman out of my league: "What were you thinking, are you stupid, that was never going to happen."

So everything becomes like that and I have done it for so long it is like a mountain in my head.

Self esteem is what you think of yourself. It is not about abuse by others or horrible life experiences, missed opportunities, or anyone else and what they are doing, thinking or feeling with regards to you or themselves or anything else.

You figure out what you would like and then you work on getting it. As you work toward and meet your own goals your good feelings about yourself should increase.

Why did you not go to the film by yourself if you could not find anyone able to go with you? Decide you want to see a specific film, not that you want X, Y, or Z person to see a film with you; you have no control over other people as they have no control over you. Yes, it is nice to have other people around us but not always possible and that's when we get into trouble, when we try to bank on other people and they disappoint us. But that is not about Self esteem; that's about them. Being disappointed is an emotion we all have and there's nothing wrong with it, other than it certainly doesn't feel very good :-) The next time you talk to them, you say to another person, "I'm disappointed that you couldn't go see the movie with me, it was a great movie and I think you would have enjoyed it." But deciding you are no good because someone else doesn't go see a movie you want to see with you doesn't make sense?