I don't know why

So, I'm supposed to post my angry posts here. A nice safe spot that's out of the way from the non-angry people. A place where when we are angry we have to work on anger management under "self esteem" while everyone else gets to be anxious or depressed just for the sake of being anxious or depressed without having to work on those things under "self esteem" also. ???? Somehow this all makes sense to administration and is perfectly reasonable. Okay, I'll play along for the sake of cooperating and trying not to act like a brat.
I'm angry. I'm always angry. Most the time, I don't know why.
Is it because I'm tired and not getting enough sleep, is it because I'm lonely, is it because I'm scared? Is it a lot of different things all thrown in together?

I'm mad at myself for being me. For being who I am. I can't stand who I am. I wish I could erase me. I'm tired of being angry and not being able to get along with people because I am so angry. I think I'm a control freak. I don't know why. Things bother me that don't bother other people. It's a compulsion to want to jump over my back yard wall and take those 3 garbage bags that have been sitting out in my neighbor's yard for the last year and just throw them out. Why can't she just put them out on trash day? Gad!!! I have to look at them every day and it's really ugly. And this is MY problem because I'm an angry control freak who just can't accept that it's her property and she can do whatever she wants with her back yard.

Today I'm actually happy but there's a film of anger that covers it and makes it a little hazy. I'm trying to walk my dogs and I notice I'm angry even though I am actually happy. Why? Why doesn't this stupid anger just go away? Am I subconsciencely holding onto it because it's serving some kind of a purpose I'm actually gaining from? What do I gain from my anger? GRRRRRRRRRRRsssss? GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR???????????? I don't know, I can't think of anything right now. I'll have to think more about it.
I started getting angry while driving again. I was doing good but now once again if somebody doesn't go within 10 seconds of a light turning green I feel the blood rush to my head. I don't curse them out or anything but I do GRRRRR under my breath. It's so dumb 'cause most the time I'm not even in a rush to get somewhere.
Okay, that's all for now. I'm just going to keep spewing out my anger thinking processes and feelings here since this is where I have to do it. This will probably be the only place I'll post from now on. It's who I am. ANGRY!!!!

It took a long time for me to understand that my being a control freak was a sign of my anxiety! Having to have things a certain way can mean one is not comfortable with the uncertainty of things out of one's own control.

When I get angry and recognize it I instantly "stop" and look to see if I can find what is making me anxious. That is helpful to me in two ways; I stop and turn away from the anger (because my focus naturally shifts) and I get to learn what the "real" problem is. The big deal at first though was catching myself while I was angry! That's hard to do :-) Sometimes my anger is in areas not like me normally though (road rage) so I was able to see them first. I remember the really bad road rage I had one afternoon and when I almost had/caused an accident, I realized it and looked to see what was making me anxious, what I couldn't control and realized a co-worker was very ill and I felt helpless. "Helpless" always gets my anger going as a way to mobilize and get to another state.

Anger is a good emotion because it tells us there's a serious problem we need to address. The trick is not to act on one's anger (or apologize if some "action"/words get out we realize we don't want) but to look and find the problem it is being a red flag for. That's why I like anger; I pretend I'm playing Devil's Golf (LOL, I just made this up) and the red flags are the holes. The point is to get hole-in-ones (associate the anger with the flagged problem right away) and then figure out something to do about the problem to make yourself feel better or "move ahead."

(((((((((((((((( Pickle )))))))))))))))))

Heh!! You and I can hang out here then, cool!!

Love,
Fuzzy

i am familiar with it. i am also an angry person. sort of bad tempere or moody.

so i can understand you.
i think that really being onely and sleepy and all that is really contributing to your anger.
have you ever triend relaxation..meditations...?
do you have a place around where you can go and there is no 1 there and you can sit quietly alone and think, calm down... a quier place..with nature....

i am also working on my temper, and i remember i used to feel the nager and enxtious and just stared at somehting that was inront of it and focused on it. for instace if i think
"ho God i have no time damn i have to go out now and i can`t find my wallet"
i see the wall infront of my eyes and i focus on it, on all it`s details, so in a way i forget....

i am really sorry to hear this heting mad at yourself adn hating becausue of who you are. untill you get to the other side of LOVING yourself becasue of who you are....it`s kind of taking time. do you have a therapist?

htink of it! God- or nature-or fate-whatever you believe in-has created you to live in this world. you are a part of this all. do you like the beach, the suset? the forests? you have the same beaty, the same power.... and you deserve to LET yourself be..

all have to learn to except ourselves, and the situations we are in. even if you are angry, try to except the fact and see if you can relax...move on...
if you except your situaiton with the anger i think it` can help you to figure out why you are angry.

Pickle, when I was a controlling B***h, there was a payback in it for me. It kept others away. I feel like that might be what is happening with you.

I wised up when a patient told me that they got more attention and yet people didn't want to be around them. He said that "negative" attention is better than no attention at all. I took his words to heart and started changing myself.

I don't see any reason for you to be upset that you are posting here. A lot of us post here.

FYI, it took some courage for me to post to you as I don't want you to feel angry at me......xoxoxo pat

I don't know why either. Glad you're here.

Hi Everyone,
I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. My sister was over for the weekend so I wasn't online much.
Perna, I think it's very interesting that you say anger can come from anxiety. I think I'm the same way. I've never associated it with anxiety. It's definetly something I'm going to focus on the next time I'm feeling angry.
Hi Fuzzybear, ((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))) Yeah, we can hang out here. I'm hoping something will shift if I keep hammering away at it. Something has got to give and when it does then I won't have to hang out here in the land of the angry anymore.
Hi Lady, Sorry you're angry too. It really bites, doesn't it?
Yes, I do have a place I can be alone and I've tried meditation but I'm not disciplined enough to do it everyday. That discipline is something I'd really like to work on. I'm trying to learn to accept who I am but it is hard when I'm so testy and *****y and it wears away my self esteem.I'll keep trying though. It's why I'm here.
Hi Fay, No, I don't think it's to keep others away. But a little bit of that bad attention is better than no attention at all was a factor when I was growing up but I've outgrown that and it's a survival mechanism I'm now trying very hard to put down.
Do I get mad at you when you respond to my posts? I don't recall doing so. If I have I apologize.
Hi again Fuzz,
Thank you Wants2Fly.
HI AGAIN FUZZY!!! I'll stand with you in the rain. Thanks Fuzzy.
(((((((((Everyone)))))))))) Thanks for your support.

Hey Pickle,

I've got anger to deal with too, but most of the time I don't know it's there. At least you know you're angry and what you're angry about. Or could there be something deeper that you haven't recognized yet?

You might be interested in a thread in Psychotherapy now about anger, and making a list of what you are angry about. My T wanted me to make a list of what I'm angry about, and I also made a column for what I'm afraid of with each thing. Can you figure out what you are afraid of when you get angry? A lot of people say that anger is a secondary emotion. There is usually fear behind it. Hence the connection to anxiety.

How are you doing now?

Rap

Hi Rap,
That's interesting about listing the things your angry about and then adding the column for what you fear. I'm going to try that.
I'm really trying hard to curb my frustration/impatience but it's slow going. I'm trying to meditate. I can't seem to sit still for more then 10 minutes to meditate. I need to work on disciplining myself.
I'll check out the psychotherapy thread. Thanks. Hugs.

((((((((((( Pickle ))))))))))))

I'd be interested in knowing how the list works for you. If you want, we can exchange lists. I didn't even let T look at my list (she's on it). DH was offended that I had to ask him not to look when I printed it. I could easily add more to the three pages that I ended up with too.

((((((((((Rap)))))))))) Thanks for that. I still have to work on the list though. I haven't done it yet. I'm sure I'll have lots of pages too. :P

I'm working on the list now, Rap. It's kind of scary.
How are we going to trade lists? It's going to take me a couple of days to finish.

We could use PM. Let me know when you're ready. It is scary. I rated how angry I was, and how stupid I felt for being angry, and I also put what I might be afraid of. T made me scribble out the how stupid I feel column on the hard copy, but I couldn't have put that stuff down without including that. Not very validating though to say this is how stupid I feel for having these feelings.

Okay, I'm still working on mine. Sorry it's taking me so long. It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be. I'm having trouble with the afraid column. :P
How stupid we feel too? That's really going to be a toughie. We can do this. It beats being angry, right?

Well, don't do the how stupid part. That invalidates your feelings. I think the fear part is a good thing, but it's entirely up to you how you want to do your list.

This is triggering.

I'm okay though, no worries.

Hi Pickle - I too have a short fuse - always have - even when I was a very little girl. For years I had it under control - only certain things would set me off. Anyway, in the last 2 years because of events in my life, such as caring for my elderly dog at night and work and a relationship issue, I have gotten a lot less sleep. And, as a result, of that and the extra stress, I found my very short fuse back again. I put up with getting furious at even little things for a while - even after I slapped my laptop and broke it, costing me another $2000 to buy a new one. Finally, I had to go to my family doctor for an eye injury that happened when I was having a hissy fit and trying to pull the couch cover back into place (hand came off cover, flew back, thumb landed in my eye - making me even madder - funny now - not funny then). Anyway, I was fed up about my adult temper tantrums and mentioned them to him and he gave me a Rx for Lexapro. Now I am not a big one to take any kind of meds but I tried these and amazingly they worked for me. I have not had an unreasonable anger attack since I started on them. I also think the list thing you are doing is a good idea - it probably would have triggered my short fuse if I had tried to do it but I do think anger and fear are close cousins. Hoping you have much success in getting a handle - take care.

Hi Pita, thanks for sharing that. It's funny that you mention lack of sleep. I've noticed my anger is at it's worst when I haven't gotten enough sleep. Which is often since I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and then I can't get back to sleep for a few more hours, if at all.
What is Lexapro? Is that an anti depressant or a sleep medicine?
Rap, I should be finished my list by Tuesday. I'm sorry this is taking me so long. I keep re-editing it. I'm trying to condense it so it so I'm not putting...
Angry at Mom choosing my bio-father as a mate and also writing Angry at having the bio-father I had. It basically says the same thing. Although I'm mad at each for different reasons-which confuses the situation even more. I figure, in my mind, I can just put both reasons under the same heading. If that makes any sence.

Take your time. It took me two weeks and I still could do some editing. Any way you want to do it is fine.

Doc explained that Lexapro is anti-anxiety and depression me. I had zero side effects altho I know a lot of people have posted that they did have side effects. But so far, it has been wonderful not to go ballistic at every little blasted thing that ticks me off.

Thanks Rap. I'm glad you wrote that. I was feeling like maybe I was doing something wrong 'cause it's taking me so long. I appreciate your being patient with me.
Hi Pita, I'm glad it's working for you. I don't think I could go back to taking an anti-depressive medicine again though unless I become completely unfunctional-which I highly doubt, or if I started having really bad anxiety attacks. I want to deal with my anger head on. I thought it was a sleeping pill. I'm thinking of asking my doc for prescription sleeping pills. I'm holding out on that one though.

Okay Rap, I emailed my list to you.