i hate people

[Typo]

((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))

Sending lots of positive caring vibes your way
Sparrow

[3velniai]

Is it Ok if I give you a hug?

Know the feeling
I used to hate all people too
Once in awhile still do...
Try to remember that not all people are sick though.

[pegasus]

Sending hugs (((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((( griffe ))))))

[Sannah]

Anything that you want to talk about Griffe?

[mixedup_emotions]

We're here for you!!

[Catherine2]

good for you, Griffe, in saying it out loud
it's what many of us feel at different times in our lives
this is where you are now
you won't stay there forever...

i'm surrounded by such rotting vile people who don't deserve to live
humanity, a species that thrives on the torture, humiliation and pain of others
why do i have to be a part of such an ill species
throw me in my grave because we can't coexist

It's not like we can help the fact that our brains are wired to reward us for becoming violent in the same instinctual ways as food and sex. It's a matter of controlling oneself, of controlling one's own instinct. Even though so many of the people in your life (or at least were in your life at one point) didn't have any control over their instinct, impulses, and emotion. In the end in order to survive they try to distort reality so the victim is at fault because if not they would be crushed by their own guilt. Humans are also an extremely social species that requires love and affection in order to thrive... you need to both be loved by somebody as well as love somebody else in order to truly live.

[Sannah]

Griffe, aren't all of these people in your past now?

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by Griffe

I hate people.

i'm surrounded by such rotting vile people who don't deserve to live
humanity, a species that thrives on the torture, humiliation and pain of others
why do i have to be a part of such an ill species
throw me in my grave because we can't coexist

There are people around who are disgusting and vile, you can choose to stay away from them. But not everyone is like that, there are good people around too.

seems like bad people are everywhere. sure, there are good people, some good people, but they seem so outnumbered. hard to stay away from a majority. i stay away from people and i get lonely. i associate with people and i get hurt. i've bled enough.
they're in the past, but bad people are never only in the past, they live in the present and they invite themselves into the future. can't escape it. never can. they can run and i can crawl.

i told my therapist "help me" today and he told me he wasn't sure how to help because i beat around the bush and skirt around everything and i won't tell him what's really up. then i needed helped so i called his phone number which he gave me- haha, go figure the only time i call my therapist he's not there.

wind-up toy that's been wound up too many times for the amusement of others and now the wind-up key is broken and broken toys go into the rubbish bin. no help for the broken really. some things can't be fixed, i think i'm one of those things. the only people who notice and use broken toys are the scummy people who'll just keep going until there's nothing left.

i hate this world. i have no place in the world. i can vanish and people say they'll notice but they'll forget me within a week or two. no one will follow up or check on me. who checks on something of no value to them? of what value is something deformed and broken? of what value is something unhelpful and worthless?

can i say that? can i say i hate this species and this world?

or HELP ME because i am dying here today in silence but then again, what help is there for the broken.

Part of one of your previous posts:

Originally Posted by Griffe

i used to tell everyone the analogy that i was a broken vase- if you have a glass vase and it keeps falling off a table, it keeps getting cracked and eventually is broken beyond repair. i was convinced i was that vase and that i could no longer be fixed, and that anyone who said otherwise was lying or just trying to make me feel better. i was a broken vase, a broken toy, a puzzle missing pieces. no matter what anyone told me, it never mattered, no one could change my mind. i listened to people's words but they couldn't change what i thought. i am a stubborn person.

i know now i'm not an object. i may feel like an object sometimes but i'm human and you can't compare people to objects. people are people and i realized that my analogy was faulty and wrong. i had to realize that on my own time. i know my words won't change your way of thinking but no good person sees you as an object. there are still plenty of times i tell myself i am that broken vase and nothing will mend me, and when i think that, no one's words will budge my way of thinking, until i realize again on my own time i am wrong. i will never be perfect but i can get better. i am a human, i have survived this much and i'm resiliant. i'm not an object, so i can heal.

my eye is wrecked, my skin is grafted and scarred, i've lost my mobility, i am fragmented inside, i can't even speak some days, everyone i know will either betray and hurt me or abandon me.

hollow promises of safety and happiness and friendship. the momentary distractions are nice but i know it's never enough. i have no place and so i sit in hell, i sit in the darkness. people only listen momentarily when i yell for them but who cares about vince here, he's a bloody weak idiot.

but what's that to the world, maybe when my arm is broken again or my other leg messed up, or the rest of my ear ripped away, or once every last shred of dignity and pride i have left is stolen again, maybe then i can call myself broken, because apparently i haven't bled enough yet.

not a broken object. a broken person. people can heal but only to an extent. keep breaking a person over and over again and the extent to which they can heal is hardly worth the effort.

Do you think healing to the point where you can live a relatively stable and happy life isn't worth the effort of going through hell again to get there?

[Sannah]

Griffe, could it be that you are letting out your anger from the past and the projectory of it isn't being so straight right now and the anger is coming back at you?

Also, I hear you speaking from a place of weakness. Everything that you are saying is about what others are doing to you. Griffe, find your power! You are only weak and helpless if this is what you believe!

[Blue93]

((((((((vince)))))))))

find my power? i've been clinging to what pathetic shred i have of power to remain alive for my whole life. i am weak and helpless because i am weak and helpless. an ant can believe he is worthy and great and capable of healing but he'll still be helpless when the person stomps on him.

why make the effort of going through hell to heal when i know i will be stomped on again?

safety is a lie, happiness is a lie when your eyes have been ripped open to see the horror that is this world, that's what this feels like

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by Griffe

find my power? i've been clinging to what pathetic shred i have of power to remain alive for my whole life. i am weak and helpless because i am weak and helpless. an ant can believe he is worthy and great and capable of healing but he'll still be helpless when the person stomps on him.
That shred of power got you this far; it must be one helluva strong shred. Sometimes shreds are all we have to make it...don't discount its' value to you, please.
Feeling weak and helpless does not make you these things. That feeling will however keep you trapped in a vicious cycle of hate and anger. It's exceptionally hard to change the perception we have of ourselves...part of the reason we crack the door into our house of hurts is to hear loving people reassure us. That reassurance, although we may be skeptical, feeds us so we get through another exhausting hour.
why make the effort of going through hell to heal when i know i will be stomped on again?
There are no guarantees in life, good or bad. It's possible to be cautious without concentrating on the What-Ifs or using an extra strength magnifying glass to find the tiniest flaw, within ourselves, within other people.
safety is a lie, happiness is a lie when your eyes have been ripped open to see the horror that is this world, that's what this feels like
Griffe, you are digging your way out of years of horrific experiences. Sharing them and your feelings is a huge step.
It's also a painful one, full of rage and hopelessness and despair. Every one of those feelings, and possibly more, are going to blindside you...a strange sort of normalcy in recovery.
It would feel like bricks were being thrown at me and I could not dodge them no matter how hard I tried. Each one of those bricks were things I needed to face, find the mustard seed of courage, and do everything I could to fight them.

I got freaking tired and mad about doing it so many times. It was not going to stop because I denied them, there were far too many of them.
I felt like my heart was a pin cushion for huge pins of grief and sorrow using it for target practice...and a magnet for all the crap in the world. In all honesty, that's exactly what I was until I let go of the idea that I was the scum of the earth.
I had days of battle, I had days of rest. Every once in awhile I had 45 seconds of peace.

Pardon this visual, but once you start vomiting these things ya can't put 'em back. They stink, they are ugly, But They Are Also Out Of You.
Pissy place to be, isn't it?
You will reside in that place for a bit then move to an easier place to be. Each place grows into something better even if it is but one iota better.
Iotas grow and come together

Catherine

Comfort will come in its own sweet time, and it will be sweet.

[Blue93]

part of a post you made to my thread, not to long ago...

i used to tell everyone the analogy that i was a broken vase- if you have a glass vase and it keeps falling off a table, it keeps getting cracked and eventually is broken beyond repair. i was convinced i was that vase and that i could no longer be fixed, and that anyone who said otherwise was lying or just trying to make me feel better. i was a broken vase, a broken toy, a puzzle missing pieces. no matter what anyone told me, it never mattered, no one could change my mind. i listened to people's words but they couldn't change what i thought. i am a stubborn person.

i know now i'm not an object. i may feel like an object sometimes but i'm human and you can't compare people to objects. people are people and i realized that my analogy was faulty and wrong. i had to realize that on my own time. i know my words won't change your way of thinking but no good person sees you as an object. there are still plenty of times i tell myself i am that broken vase and nothing will mend me, and when i think that, no one's words will budge my way of thinking, until i realize again on my own time i am wrong. i will never be perfect but i can get better. i am a human, i have survived this much and i'm resiliant. i'm not an object, so i can heal.

Try to think about that, you can heal.... ((((((((((Vince)))))))))))

[nowheretorun]

((griffe))) i can relate to how you are feeling, i had such anger and resentment towards others for the longest time and missed that deep inner connection to those around me too.. it was a mixture of love and hate sending me into spirals each day with no words to express what i was feeling and when i used anger i was pushing myself further and further away from the thing i really wanted most, more kindness, more connection... what you are feeling is very powerful and painful and i empathise with you for what you are going thru... you have to feel all you are feeling so you can get to the next highest place in your journey and there is no doubt it is confusing but if you let pain and hate become your ruler you will never reach that place of love you are seeking for... try not to fcus only on the wrongs and try to remind yourself of the rights around you, even tho they seem few at times... it is hard to see the good around us when media only portrays the negative... it is in the power of you to see the good around you, even if it is only in natures beauty at times right now... you can believe there are kind and caring people in the mix, as so many here at PC prove each day... it takes time to believe Griffe, but it is true... you can be stronger than the monsters of your imagination and become one of the ones who exhibit the good qualities of being a human... when i was most down i eventually realized i had to become within my own self what i felt was missing most outside of me.. when you can do that you will manifest for yourself those things you desire most because it is an inner need which you yourself have the most ability to control and manage.. be the thing you desire most in life and it will never elude you again.. if it is kindness and caring you desire, become kind and caring... best wishes always struggling one

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Griffe

find my power? i've been clinging to what pathetic shred i have of power to remain alive for my whole life. i am weak and helpless because i am weak and helpless. an ant can believe he is worthy and great and capable of healing but he'll still be helpless when the person stomps on him.

why make the effort of going through hell to heal when i know i will be stomped on again?

safety is a lie, happiness is a lie when your eyes have been ripped open to see the horror that is this world, that's what this feels like

Finding your power involves learning the skills to protect yourself. It also involves working through the feelings and thoughts that you are weak and powerless. Your power isn't in the life that you have now. Your power will come forward with transformation. Transformation comes through focus, a plan and hard work. The ant analogy doesn't fit because others don't tower over you physically. You might think that they do in your mind but this is what needs to be worked through. Keep talking and expressing Griffe......

[multipixie9]

Griffe,

I am very sad for you that your body is betraying you right now. i hate it so bad when i am the only one around me in pain again and that I have to suck it up and try to aact strong so I won't be a burden or worse, a bore! It bites!!!

It sure doesn't offend me that you say your hate everyone. About a month ago I screamed at God and said, "I HATE MY LIFE, I HATE EVERYONE AND I HATE ME AND I HATE YOUR GUTS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I gave it all I had and did my best to pitch a fit with God. He was annoyingly calm about it all. When the adrenaline stopped pumping all I could sense was God, just sitting there with me. Accepting me.

Feelings are just feelings. Feelings are JUST feelings. What you do with or about your feelings is the IMPORTANT deal. I am just finding my anger and it is about time. I need my backbone returned to me, NOW.

Thank your for your honest and brave posts, your friend,

Leslie