How do you...

stop things from happening?
It's still this &^&^#$#@ from school
sometimes i just dont fcking care anymore
can't stop it, nothing to live for anymore anyway, doesnt matter anymore
Sometimes... I wish I was stronger... Physically so i could just smash him into pieces next time he tries something... or wish i could just run away or something, i don't know. As it is i just either freeze or am so messed up feeling already i just dont care for myself anymore, so what does it matter if someone does this things to me, its just a body...
I dont know i dont think im making much sense here.
I know the obvious answer would be tell someone at school, fosterparents, police SOMEONE
Or even write it down and show them
but im just weird like that... can't do it/ just CANT
and it never works either, one jailed or moved again or whatever and the next one pops up over and over again
Don't know how they do it but they always can find me

So I'm just wondering How Did You Do It?
what am i doing wrong...

Blue

i know this is probably not what you want to hear and given your situation i can understand why you would be skeptical to it, but cooperating with police/trusted adults/therapist/doctor etc and telling is ultimately what breaks the cycle of abuse.

it's not easy, it's unfair, but it's needed. i know the crippling feeling of helplessness and feeling like it's impossible to tell, impossible to show someone or write it down. but you need to push past that fear and break the silence, breaking the silence is what makes them go away, it's what makes you safer. suffering in silence isn't going to make things go away, i learned that the bad way.

and you have yourself to live for- don't forget that. you're a bright person with a bad past but you can have a bright future. YOU aren't doing anything wrong. try to avoid being alone and try to tell.

not good with advice or words but here to listen and wishing you well. you're a good person.
take care.

(((((Vince))))) Thanks.
I've been avoiding posting about this cause I know people will get upset with me for not listening to them when they say I gotta tell or whatever.
I guess it's to hard to explain why I can't do that.
Just when he comes up to me it's like I just can't care about myself enough anymore to.. I don't know scream or whatever. To do.. something.
Life is pointless to me after all I've lost already
Who cares... I don't .. Can't anymore
I feel like a toy or a broken body and that's all I'll ever be
Maybe sometimes someone is broken beyond repair just no one else wants to accept it. But then I come back to my first point again. Why care posting about it.. Just upsetting everyone and triggering myself.
Sorry.

Blue

if people get upset because you don't follow their advice, they shouldn't. pc is supposed to provide non-judgmental support. no one should get upset or angry, and if they do they're not being very supportive.

i used to tell everyone the analogy that i was a broken vase- if you have a glass vase and it keeps falling off a table, it keeps getting cracked and eventually is broken beyond repair. i was convinced i was that vase and that i could no longer be fixed, and that anyone who said otherwise was lying or just trying to make me feel better. i was a broken vase, a broken toy, a puzzle missing pieces. no matter what anyone told me, it never mattered, no one could change my mind. i listened to people's words but they couldn't change what i thought. i am a stubborn person.

i know now i'm not an object. i may feel like an object sometimes but i'm human and you can't compare people to objects. people are people and i realized that my analogy was faulty and wrong. i had to realize that on my own time. i know my words won't change your way of thinking but no good person sees you as an object. there are still plenty of times i tell myself i am that broken vase and nothing will mend me, and when i think that, no one's words will budge my way of thinking, until i realize again on my own time i am wrong. i will never be perfect but i can get better. i am a human, i have survived this much and i'm resiliant. i'm not an object, so i can heal.

you rposting shows you care about your own well-being at least a bit. you may think you've lost everything and i am in no way trying to belittle your situation but you're young and there's plenty of good in the world you haven't yet seen. you have yourself and your future to live for.

i know how hard it is to act in a bad situation and no matter how rational someone thinks their advice is. fear overtakes us and so does helplessness.

do what's best for you when it comes to posting and if people get upset they shouldn't read it. post, don't post, whatever you think is best for you. if getting it out helps then get it out. the people who matter will be non-judgmental and won't get upset at you and will do their best to support you.

not eloquent with words so i hope this doesn't offend. take care of yourself and remember people here wish you well.

Blue, read and re-read our hyena friend's words because they are so so so wise and filled with caring. The people who get upset because you don't take their advice most likely mean well, but don't get it. You are here for support, not to follow every word that every person says. That being said, I 100000% agree with vince that the way to break the cycle is by telling, screaming, shouting. How many of them were there? Eventually if you shout often enough, they will all be gone. One of them is working in a school? There is no way that should be allowed...raise a ruckus, make some noise. I know you sy you don't care what happens to you, but somewhere inside is the little boy who does care. What makes it stop is daylight--it's hard to hide in wide open daylight---bring them and their actions out in the open. So yes, my advice is just what you knew it would be because I care about you and can't imagine the pain you continue to go through. Listen to vince, Blue, he knows what he speaks of.

besides all the nightmares and flashbacks and panicattacks and not sleeping and this.. i dont know if i have the energy anymore

I sense that it feels overwhelming. Don't give up!! Try to be good to yourself and give yourself some time and rest to deal with what you are feeling.

I mean, not even my t thinks she can help me. How messed up is that.
I can't stop this sht from happening all the time
I try try try but it's just no use, there's always a new one
I don't want to go trough this anymore but it's just not gonna stop..
Maybe ... when I turn 16,17,18 i don't know.

big smile on face
really ... 'i'm fine'
joking around... don't worry about me
i can see his face
no nothing's wrong
i can see his hands
ok focus on the eurosongvision contest now
i can feel him
smell him
no really, i'm ok.. sigh...

screaming so loud but no one hears
all alone
there's no one, nothing anymore

dear blue,

you asked "how do you stop it" and "how do they know". i have a friend who's uncle used him for sex until the uncle got married, never slept with him again and abandoned him to his neglectful parents. he told me, on his road to healing, how he could walk into certain places and immediately know who he could get involved in sex with. he explained or maybe i read it somewhere, people give off non-verbal signals that predators can read like a book.it may be how we stand or that we look down a lot, body language that tells perps we feel afraid or ashamed or desperate for some attention. those of us who were abused as small children were also programmed to feel helpless and to believe we could never escape and that "they could always get to us". i know because i was programmed so completely that many people "got" to me and harmed me in various ways.

Blue, i matter; you matter. i think maybe your real questions are: "should i go on"? "can i find the strength to go on"? "is there anything better out ahead of me in this world"? "will it EVER get better???!!!" i truly believe the answer to all these questions is YES. it is simple to say that and oh so hard to get there!

i think you have one thing better off than i did, you are dealing with all this horror starting when you are young. i split things off and hid them even from myself and didn't begin to deal until i was almost 30. i was much older and tireder than i hope you are now in your teens. the fact that you come here and speak out and seek support gives me hope for you. somewhere deep inside is a spark of life that refuses to be quenched. i would like to fan that spark and so do the others who encourage you here, like griffe and vince.

when YOU are ready, you will seek what you need. no one here can tell you what to do or how to do it. i did not want to spend so much of my life trying to get over my past, but that is better than NOT getting over the past and letting my enemies win. most of those who abused me are dead now and i am still here, broken but valuable. it took me a long time to realize that being victimized did not make me into a permanent victim. i am a survivor, a person with worth who can bring something good to life. they do not define me. God and i are the only ones who get to define me...EVER.

Leah

spent most of tonight/yesterday somewhere in between freaking out and dissociating (when he was around but i know enough to know what happened..) and flashbacks and such. cant bring myself to tell my fosters. feels like im letting them down... shouldnt i be able to trust them more by now... sometimes still scared they will kick me out just like all of them do eventually... i just feel so dirty and ashamed right now.. i just dont want to go trough the whole process of police and hospital and then getting hopes up again and then getting hurt again by someone else anyway... everything hurts.. cant stop seeing this things feeling it even smelling it.. then to think of having to see him again when i got to go to school in a few hours.. its almost to much

hear him whispering things to me .. what he wishes to do with me...
saying to bad i couldnt get to do your brother... now i would have seen your face while i was doing that..goes on explaining what he'd want to do..
gosh i think i may throw up now actually

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Blue))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Dearest Blue,

I wish there was something I could do to help, I just want to hug you tight and give you a safe place to go. What Vince said was wonderful advice, please listen to our dear hyena friend. I wish I could take this pain for you. Your a wonderful person, and I mean that with all my heart. You did nothing to deserve this, you never did. these people that keep hurting you are sick monsters. I understand how you feel, that feeling that none of it is ever going to stop, it will stop one day hun, it will.

Here for you and sending you lots of warm safe blessings and giving you a feather to keep you safe and remind you there is hope

Love
Sparrow

i feel ashamed. and .. dirty.. but i cant scrub it off

i just cant stop feeling him.. everything
i think he likes seeing me scared
nobody gets it
i just wish i could scrub this feeling off, or somethng

havent slept yesterday. wont today. gonna have to face another day of school soon.
like my siggy says.
'I die though this is not my grave / I'm not ready for this'
I scream so loud but nobody hears
i'm feeling sorry for myself tonight im afraid

Blue HUGS,

You and I know you are very very intelligent agreed ?

Then read this site and use one of the numbers on it hun if you scroll down there are many many other orangisations offering to help please phone one of them.....

http://www.crin.org/organisations/viewOrg.asp?ID=2567

well maybe i'm not strong or smart enough

Well, I didn't think I'd be strong or smart enough to do the things that I have been doing for the past few weeks, it was really hard for me and scary too... it's not as severe as your situation, so I think that it'd be dumb of me to say that I know how you feel, but what I basically did was in my head I'd set up a date when it absolutely had to be done with absolutely no exceptions. I put it a few days into the future so it has some time to process (think about what you are going to say, and yeah, probably freak out a little too) and then when that day comes just pick a moment, any moment really when your guts tells you it's right, gather as much strength and composure as you possibly can, and then talk. Yeah, even in the moments right before that couple of seconds I was practically terrified, but composing yourself beforehand really does help (and maybe just for a moment I felt fearless? ). It's like instead of going into cold water inch by inch and trying to get acclimated to the water to just jump in and get it over with and you'll be warm again from the swimming in a couple of minutes.

Blue,

No one can tell you with all honesty that you won’t be hurt again, but it sounds like you will be if you don’t take steps to end it…as hard as that may be.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I did also –several people – many years. I spoke up and was hurt again several times but someone finally heard.

I wish I could tell you without a doubt this would be the time it ends… I can only tell you it won’t, if you don’t take the chance and ask for help – and your life is definitely worth taking the chance.

Blue--

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I understand what you are feeling and saying. I know it is hard but you are reaching out coming here and we are all here for you, listening and crying right with you. Some part of you is trying so hard to not give up, you are being heard. I know it feels like no one is hearing you but believe me we do.

I know how scary it is to tell someone, but there is power in telling, in someone else knowing. I know how it makes you feel but you are worth something and never let anyone take that from you. Your life is important and you deserve to live. That feeling of not wanting to live I know can be really strong and can fill you but fight.

Telling someone will help you. I know it seems that it won't, but if you keep telling someone is going to hear. Please keep writing here and know we are listening. Think about what everyone here has said to you, they all care and love you. I care too.

dps

bah and as school starts the creep tries to make up for all he missed during the summer.. I actually did fight him off last week but payed for it today.. didnt even get the chance to shout or anything. when will they get the message...
I'm carrying around deodorant and even considered to take a small kitchenknife with me to school but id more likely hurt myself then get the guts to actually stab him..
I'm not gonna let him get me that easily anymore though.. next time HE will pay..

im feeling so nervous over something stupid like going to school
its just a stupid building with people in them it shouldnt be this hard..
I avoided him all the rest of the week and he's not usually there at friday
and its not like its not normal or as if i havent been trough the same things since i was like 5 or something .. it doesnt make sense... but then again this shouldnt make sense i guess.. ok just me rambling at 5.30 in the morning ignore it lol

bah its only thursday... feels like this week will never end grss