I hope I'm doing the right thing

A little over four years ago I went through a pro se divorce after being married for 18 years and having two children. My husband threatened that if I fought him and tried to get any kind of child support or maintenance, he would see to it that I never saw the kids again and he would drag everyone in court he could find to testify against me to ensure it.

I didn't know at the time that he couldn't do that. Things like disagreements with my father-in-law or sister-in-law would have no bearing on my parental abilities, and there was nothing he could say against me as far as parenting that would make a court see fit to take them away.

I had the judge throw out the case the first time we saw her because I signed the agreement that my husband drew up under duress. We went to mediation and he agreed to let me go from having the proposed 30% visitation to 50%. He claimed I was going to be a bad parent because I wanted the divorce. He made all kinds of bizarre claims that he had friends spying on me and reporting to him that they saw me with other men. He wouldn't even let me leave the house without the kids, claiming I was leaving to see other men if I did. Then when I had the kids, he'd accuse me of leaving them with other people so I could see other men. There were NO other men.

The second time we went back to the judge, she still suggested I contest the settlement agreement and hire a lawyer. I just wanted the divorce over and since I was getting to see my kids 50% of the time, I glossed over the rest of the agreement. That was a really stupid thing to do.

He always claimed that he's too poor to pay child support, even though he makes about 60K a year. A few months ago I asked once again to get to claim one of the kids on taxes since we have a 50/50 split and I pay for nearly 50% of their needs, minus their health insurance coverage because I don't get it with my job. I said I would go so far as to take him back to court if he continued to fight me on something he claimed wasn't a big deal. (If the tax deduction doesn't save him all that much money, why is he so reluctant to part with it? Because then he would have to admit that some of his demands during the divorce were unreasonable, most likely, and he can't have that).

His next threat was that if I took him back to court the judge would demand that I pay him child support even though I make almost half as much money per year as he makes. He claimed child support is based on expenses, not income, and his expenses are greater than mine because he still has the house and covers the kid's medical care, but he also has it written than any medical/dental over $1000 per year gets split 60/40 between us. This is how he controls me - threatening to have the kids taken away or that he will get some of my money if I try to stand up to him legally.

He always played the financial card to keep me from taking him back to court, saying his income doesn't cover his expenses as it is. He's refinanced his house and now has a roommate so I can't let him use that excuse any more. (I should have never let it be an excuse but, regardless, I did).

I finally hired a lawyer at the end of February and he said the agreement that my husband wrote up is completely worthless. Some of the demands I agreed to aren't even legal in this state. Four years ago the judge told me in the best way possible without overstepping her boundaries that his demands were out of line. I didn't listen to her then, but it was always nagging at the back of my mind knowing that he was wrong to do what he did and I was wrong to agree to it.

It feels so good to finally have some validation from several sources - judge, lawyer, paralegal, counselors - that everything I went through wasn't in my head and he was indeed abusing me by emotionally manipulating me and using the kids as a weapon, but it still feels wrong that I'm finally standing up to him - like I'm somehow in the wrong by not continuing to back into the corner and stay there.

It almost feels wrong to restart a battle four years later, even though it shouldn't have ended the way it did and even though I have the law agreeing with me now. I've tried it his way for all these years, and it's not working. Now I'm doing things my way for a change. Why does it feel like I'm in the wrong?

you are not wrong!! you are not wrong!! i went through almost the same thing in many year ago..we used the SAME lawyer. please stiffen that backbone, schedule a visit with your lawyer, bow to that judge and get what's coming to you and your children....you are not wrong! he has walked all over you and lied over and over and over to you. he's a manipulative piece of **** and actually should be stepped on........and tomorrow, i'll tell you how i REALLY feel about your situation. xoxoxo pat

LOL Thanks Faye. You can't believe the smile on my face after reading "tomorrow I'll tell you how I REALLY feel about your situation."

I have a pre-court conference with the lawyer tomorrow afternoon and Wednesday we go see the court comissioner. My ex wrote my lawyer and told him it would be in my best interest to cancel the hearing because, surely, the commissioner would demand we go to mediation. He even made my kids write me emails saying they refused to have visitation changed in any way. The rat didn't even take the time to let the fact sink in that he got served papers before he was having the kids write to me. Two hours after he got served, I had an email from my son. And the papers weren't even served at his house, but about half an hour away at a bowling alley, so he must have practically read them out loud to everyone right then and there.

My lawyer wrote back and said I refused to cancel the hearing, said his behavior was self serving, and any future attempts to undermine my relationship with the children would be reported to the court. My ex then requested mediation on his own. I called my lawyer asking if I needed to return the papers I was sent, since they aren't due back until two days after the hearing this week. He said NO, do not return the papers. My ex is trying to manipulate the legal system once again and he's not going to get away with it this time.

you, go, girl!!

I'm trying to.

I just feel like I should let sleeping dogs lie, you know? Like somehow I shouldn't be rehashing old battles.

A lot of things have happened that are making me bring this to the courts' attention, so I'm sure that's part of the reason he wants to settle it without a judge. He's had a DWI, he's been reported for hitting my daughter and leaving a bruise, he insisted I take my son from him during his visitation because he "feared for his life", his girlfriend let my son play a drinking game with some friends of hers while she was supposed to be baby sitting him (and then admitted to it in writing when I demanded an apology for her lack of judgement).

He can't understand why I'm upset about any of this. (He hasn't mentioned the drunk driving arrest, but I'm sure he's aware that I know about it after seeing the lawyer. That's actually how I found out). After the drinking game incident, I said that she was not to be left alone with either of our kids ever again, but he said that wasn't my decision to make. Now she's moved in with them. These are not the kind of people I want having 50% input in how my kids are raised, that's for sure.

I just get so down when I think about the upcoming court battle, how I could be paying a bunch of money to a lawyer and still lose because my ex is so manipulative and can get lots of people to believe what he wants.

you've got to protect your children........you can do this. an "adult" that lets a child "play" a drinking game needs to be reported to the DHS.......but that means the children would probably be put in foster care, etc.,etc....i'd try to get that straightened out when you have your hearings.....does your lawyer know about the drinking thing????

Yes, he knows. Luckily my son wasn't drinking, but they were playing a dice game where you call shots and then whoever rolls a 21 drinks it. He was rolling the dice for a girl who didn't understand the game. He was 10 at the time.

You would THINK the so-called adult baby sitter (she's 34) would tell her friend that this is an adult-only activity and that my son should go back to playing with the other kids, but no.

When I reported my ex for hitting my daughter and leaving marks, Human Services told him and me that it was acceptable discipline but that he should consider anger management classes. I even called him after she called me, crying so hard she could barely talk. He laughed and said she deserved it. She was having a temper tantrum and slamming her door, so he hit her with a belt.

I'm probably going to get in trouble for this topic. I didn't put up a trigger icon, but I don't even know what triggering material is. I just know that I get angry when I think about how STUPID these two people can be and then try to tell me that their behavior is acceptable.

My ex laughs and says the kids deserve to be hit. He says I should understand that his girlfriend is allowed to make at least one mistake. "Everyone makes mistakes" NO, not when her "mistakes" involve alcohol and my children. NO, I WILL NOT UNDERSTAND.

He fought to make sure I got no more than 50% of the time with my kids, but since day one he's given them up to me extra days in order to socialize - bowling nights, fishing trips. Only once did he ever give me any money to cover their expenses during the days and nights that they weren't with him during his scheduled visitation. When I say I refuse to be his on-call, unpaid babysitter, he just shrugs his shoulders, says he doesn't have any money on him or his checkbook, and then proceeds to go bowling. He went on a five day business trip and I told him how much food and miscellaenous expenses would cost and I managed to get $50 out of him.

The kids come here every day after summer school from noon until about 6:00. They want to go buy snacks and drinks, go swimming at the community center, go bowling, play video games, etc. Once in three years he gave them $5. I've had to cover everything else, even when it's his scheduled week and if they weren't with me he'd be the one responsible for their needs.

He complains that the kids need new clothes and shoes too often and he can't afford it. But he had no problems buying an impounded car to turn into a race car. Spent a few thousand dollars on that and it's been sitting in pieces in the garage for two years, still no race car. He had no problems covering a $1000 drunk driving fine. He had no problems buying a $3000 engagement ring for a girlfriend that's since been dumped. (How do I know all this? He tells me. I don't pry it out of him. HE WILLINGLY TELLS ME. And then he gets mad and says he doesn't like me knowing so much about his private life. He did the same thing when he bragged about dating 5 different women of different ages, all named Wendy, and that he had one woman stalking him and calling up at 3:00 in the morning drunk, and scaring the kids. He brought her home after talking to her for just a couple of hours in the bar and he swears he didn't give her his number).

So if he has NO PROBLEM coming up with money for things he deems worthy, why do I feel guilty for trying to get child support so my kids don't have to live in a house with leaky windows and doors, a faulty wiring system, and inadequate heating?

God, I sound like I'm some loser half-homeless case or something, but I earn about $35,000 a year (but self employment taxes suck), I have a dependable car, I bargain shop till I'm ready to puke just so my kids can have 1 or 2 status items of clothing to spice up their wardrobe. On the surface, we look like your average middle-class family. On the inside I'm constantly stressed about how I'm going to continue to raise two teenagers on income that's barely covering everything now.

On the days I get panicky, I can't even take time off to breathe and slow down and regroup. I have to keep pushing through and working because I live paycheck to paycheck and get paid on production. If my fingers aren't typing medical reports, I'm not getting paid. I don't get vacation days or sick days or anything. If I want a raise, I just have to work harder - no built-in cost of living raises every year.

And still I feel guilty for asking for child support because the money that will come to my house will be taken away from his house, so either way the kids will have to struggle. But DAMN IT I've struggled for four years needlessly because he manipulated me and I was too weak to fight back with the legal system. Now I feel weak for fighting, like I should be stronger and not need his support and just continue on the way things are.