[WhoAmIReally?]

Okay, Im 20 years young, married, and a mother of 2 wonderful boys. About 6 years ago i was diagnosed with moderate depression. I was a self mutilator for about a year until i met my husband, who helped me stop. Then, I got pregnant with my first son at 16, at 5 or 6 months along in my pregnancy i started to get more depressed and was thinking about suicide. My husband and I split up (then dating) and I went off the deep end. I was so upset when my mom picked me up from his house that I tried jumping out of the car. She took me to the hospital and I was then too young to stay at the hospital in town so I had to go to a psychiatric hospital about an hour away. I stayed there for about 2 weeks. They put me on medicine and I was then diagnosed with severe depression. My husband (then boyfriend) and I got back together when i got out. But, still had plenty of arguments. I had my son in Jan. 2007 and suffered from post partum. Then 6 months went past and I was starting to feel better and I found out I was pregnant once again. This time was a lot different. Since when I was pregnant the first time I ended up in the hospital the doctors & I thought it was necessary that I stay on my meds. though-out my pregnancy. I was still sleeping way to much and crying a lot but, didn't have thoughts of hurting myself. I had my 2nd son april 2008. After that I had extreme post partum and for the first 4 months he was alive I wanted nothing to do with him. I switched drs. got on different meds. and things started to change.I turned 18..was no longer on my moms insurance and didn't have the money of my own or my own insurance. So, I stopped taking my meds. My husband and I got married in June of 2008. Things went down hill from there. We argued all the time and I ended up meeting someone about 4 months after we got married..on the internet. We never met but, still talked everyday and there was plenty of flirting. I told my husband. We argued, split up, then got back together. In Feb. 2009 My husband and I were arguing one night, and he went out to a bar. I went to sleep and woke up to him screaming and yelling at me. Then, what I thought would never happen did. He repeatedly started hitting and choking me. I thought I was going to die that night. I was so scared and trying my hardest to scream, but it's not like anyone would hear me. all of our windows were closed and it was around 2am. I was bleeding everywhere and didn't think it was ever going to stop. Thank god finally my oldest son woke up and started screaming. (he was in his room and couldn't get out because we had a gate up so they couldn't go down stairs in the middle of the night) Finally my husband snapped out of it. I ran into the bathroom bleeding everywhere on the way. He came in astonished as to what he had just done. After that nothing was ever the same. We stayed together, after he promised probably over a million times that he would never do it again. Then in May 2009, I met another guy and we talked for awhile, ended we up having an affair. My husband found out, he moved out took basically everything including our kids. And the worst part was because we are married there was nothing the police could do. Anyways, we lost our house, ended up moving in to his moms after getting back together about 3 weeks later. Things still aren't better. In July I quit my job, and in Aug. I ended up on the psychiatric floor for about a week. I got back on medicine but, when I left the hospital I only had meds for a month. I was suppose to make an appointment to keep getting my meds but got so sucked up in trying to get a job that I put it off until now. He hasn't beat me but, I feel so caught in the middle. I don't know whether I want to try to work this out or not. We have tried marriage counseling and he said that we are emotionally divorced, and that we either need to get divorced and move on or start over. After that first appointment we didn't go back. Things are getting worse for me and us as a couple. My husband lost his job so, I'm now the only one working and I'm getting more and more depressed. I sleep all the time unless I have to work. My husband has been taking care of our kids for the most part. Also about 3 days ago my husband and I were talking an he said something about me being a compulsive liar. I knew I lied but, I didn't realize the extent of it. Now, thinking about it I lie like its an addiction. It could be something so simple and I lie about it. I also have very bad mood swings and most of the time don't remember what I said or what started the fight. Then, to make matters worse. Last night I was laying in bed, then next thing I know my husband was laying next to me rubbing my back and telling me to calm down. Apparently, I threw one of our kids toys across the room, started screaming and crying histarically and saying I wanted my mom. Then, he said that I wouldn't move that I was standing on the bed and would not sit down for nothing. Then finally he got me to sit and I was rocking back and forth and crying still. I guess then I was yelling that I wanted kool-aide and screamed and scried about it until he got it/ He said it was almost like I was a child.I guess it lasted about an hour. I don't remember one bit of it. I only know what he told me. All I remember is laying in bed and next thing I know my head hurt really bad and I was shaking and really upset. It took a good hour to feel "normal" again. And, I'm still having trouble talking and I can't stop wondering what happened. I have a counseling appointment on the 26 but, I really need advice now. Please if anyone can help! Is this just severe depression or something more?! The blackout from last night has really got me scared. I will greatly appreciate any advice.

[JudeeB]

What sticks out in my mind after reading your story is that I see a need for some counseling and get on some meds and stay on them, and really get to the end of your destructive behaviors. I believe we have to truly be sick and tired of being sick and tired and choose to change direction.
My life was a mess 20 years ago and I had to finally decide I wanted to live. In the past 20 years I have worked hard on finding the root of my troubles and resolve them. You have to care enough about yourself to stick to things that can help you. There may be more than depression but the way to discover that is with a good therapist while on meds so you can have as clear thinking as possible.
None of us can succeed alone. We need help from caring and qualified others. It's immpossible to change behaviors long term until we get to the root of the problem. No man is the answer either, I tried that one, didn't fix anything at all.
This is all just my opinion based on my own experience. Take what you want and leave the rest.

[darkrunner]

WhoamI,
I'm sorry to hear how things have been going for you. It sounds scary and out of control. It seems like there are multiple issues for you to deal with and I'm sure it must be overwhelming.
I think it's good that you have a counseling appointment. Try to be as honest as you can about everything. It might take time to sort things out. Your children need you so I am glad you are seeking help.

darkrunner

[Princess Butterfly]

I agree with everything everyones said above but i also urge you to think serriously about your relationship with your husband.As any relationship difficulties will add to your depression.Your not happy if you were you wouldnt have affairs,Affairs are wrong but that doesnt give anyone the right to be violent.I want to tell you to leave him but its your choice.And i know itd be hard.
From my own personal experience i would urge you to seek help,be completely honest and leave him.But dont think im telling you what to do cause im not im just letting you know my opinion.
Please seek help from a proffesional and do what is healthy for you and your children

[Yoda]

Wow, you've got a lot going on.

I'm not sure I understand completely -

You are currently working. Do you have health insurance? You are seeing a therapist currently. Are you still seeing a psychiatrist or somebody that prescribes psychiatric meds?

You have been physically abused at least once. Does your husband emotionally abuse you? Does he put you down, restrict what you can and cannot do, call you names, anything like that going on?

Please keep posting in Psychcentral. You will find lots of support here.

[Bill3]

I'm so sorry that the past few years have had so much suffering, so much hell for you.

I agree that professional counseling would be very important for you. You have been through many excruciating, traumatic experiences, which would likely explain why you have the many difficulties that you mentioned. Were you abused or otherwise mistreated as a child?

Perhaps marriage counseling could be given more of a chance than that one session. After all, it sounds like what the counselor said:

we are emotionally divorced, and that we either need to get divorced and move on or start over

is pretty accurate.

It was good to hear that your husband could be responsible and gentle with you last night. Perhaps, with a lot of effort, your relationship can survive.

It was great to hear about your two wonderful boys. Getting and keeping yourself healthy, and seeing that you are treated properly in a healthy relationship, are really important parts of taking care of them.

A counselor will be able to help you move towards a healthier path. One way to help yourself would be to take all medications as prescribed.

Please post again soon and let us know how you are doing.

[Ascension]

I am saddened by all you have been through in your young life. I can only imagine how hard it must be to have gone through so much in such a short time. I am far from an expert but I can't help but to feel like you never allowed yourself a chance to learn who you are. You invested yourself so deeply into a relationship with another at such an early part of your life that you never got to connect with yourself. You had a very deep relationship with your husband since you were very young and when we are 15, 16, 17 years old that is when we start to try to figure out who we are. What we want from life. But it seems like you tried to be the perfect partner for your partner and then children came into the picture and even more of your focus was taken from your self exploration. Most of us really don't start to learn what life is about and what we want from it until our mid thirties at best. If I can make the suggestion, put yourself first and do so without guilt. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to allow ourselves a chance to rest, to heal. We say that we have too many other responsibilities to take care ourselves, but you need it so badly. It won't be easy but you need it, your family and most importantly your little ones need it. I know there is peace for you, even in all the darkness there is hope. Make appointments with your doctor, take your medicine, get on government assistance for medicines or even contact the pharmaceutical companies(they often times will help). Your worth it and you will be so much better in all your relationships and responsibilities when you put yourself first. I wish you all the best.

[sharon123]

I am so sorry for your pain. The first thing is to get therapy and stay on the meds. Your husband sounds dangerous. Abuse is a choice (as is everything in life). Going to counseling with an abuser is usually always the wrong thing to do. THey have to work on their issues alone. As the others have said, get counseling and stay othe meds. Love n Hugs, Sharon

[WhoAmIReally?]

First off..Thank you EVERYONE! Reading these helped me a little.. but, things still aren't getting better. I still have 8 days till my appointment (and thats not the appointment for my meds) and I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. 2 nights ago I got very depressed..long story...and SI'd & drank until I passed out. I don't know what to do. There are so many mood swings and I'm sick of it all. I want to be able to make a decision. Right away not wait. and wait...I don't wanna kill myself but, I just think that people would be better off without me sometimes. I feel like I ruin everyones life. I have destroyed my life and marriage and I need help. I'm so stuck between leaving my husband or staying and I can't for the life of me make a decision. So, do you think I should wait 8 more days...or go to E.R. tonight?

[buttrfli42481]

Go to the ER! If you think you can't wait, go. Your life is not destroyed, just broken, it can be repaired. You have been through a lot.
Like you, I got pregnant and then married. My abuser started out being manipulative and verbally abusive, it was after my daughter was born that the abuse started getting worse. I have suffered from depression for most of my life, had some post-partum but wouldn't admit it to anybody. I suffered in silence, from both the depression and the abuse. I thought that if I spoke up about my depression they would take my baby and leave her with her father. My then husband would also threaten to take my baby if I left him. So I was silent. I had SI as well, and by you asking if you should go to the ER is telling me you really don't want to die. My prayer is that you have gone and are receiving the help you need. There are ways to get your meds if you don't have the money to pay for them. My pdoc gives me samples of one of mine, and the pharmacy I use gives me a break on the others. All of my pdoc visits are payed for by a government grant called LEVY Funds. Without these, I would not be able to afford my meds or pdoc. All you have to do is speak up and ask.

[Sannah]

How are you doing today?

[Princess Butterfly]

how are things?did you go er?