someone remind me this really was abuse (trigger, explicit)

(((((jexa)))))) I wasn't a direct victim of CSA, my sister was. She told before our father could get to me. To this day (almost 20 yrs later) I still do not know what happened. Part of me does, the other part doesn't. My family doesn't talk about it. No one ever asked how it effected me. Now I am dealing with the effects of SA from my now ex husband. It is so hard to talk about it. I tried for a long time to talk about it and couldn't until just recently. You have to be ready. I have had a lot of things come to the surface that I hadn't wanted to deal with. They all came up at once.
I am glad that you have summoned the courage to speak out about this horrible event. Take baby steps. Go at your own pace. Take care of yourself.

Jexa...I hope youre feeling better!!!!!!! I do believe in a "Higher Power" and grandpa will be held accountable for what he did, if not in this lifetime then the next. You were not devinely created in an awsome and magnificient way for his selfish, perverted desires!! Sorry, but this may be a trigger for you.....I wouldnt suggest it, if it didnt already work for me. Here goes...take a deep breath Jexa and read on......Try and replace the guilt directed inward towards yourself and replace your guilt with pity and forgiveness directed outwards towards your grandad. Even if its only in your mind. Keep breathing Jexa............A sad, sad, man one is, who steals for his own sexual pleasure, the innocence of a child. He deserves much less than pity or forgiveness but this is not for him, its for you. You dont have to see him or even speak to him. The healing takes a long time but it will come. WAIT FOR IT!! It doesnt mean youre backing down or saying what he did was ok, its for your own peace. Its too heavy a burden to carry for a lifetime. If you do, then he will have won. I know your pain from personal experience and hope this message has not offended or trivialized your pain in any way. My heart for you is personal healing!!!!!!

(((((( jexa ))))))) I understand very well what you describe with the cycle of guilt and doubt. My T tells me "Trust your body" ... The body stores memories and they are very accurate. He will often ask me when I am in that mental doubt/guilt cycle "What is your body telling you right now?" When I actually listen with my heart and feel what my body knows - well it is very clear. Of course then the mind tries to go to doubt again... but I think with time, the truth is winning.

This sounds like avoidance of reality? The only way is through and this is through reality, acceptance of reality. This also goes along with your cycle that you described in your post. When the thoughts come it sounds like you do the avoidance thing and tell yourself that you shouldn't be where you are at? Try stopping that right off the bat? You are where you are for good reasons. Accept where you are at. It sounds counterproductive to expect yourself to not be where you are at. When the doubts come don't try to fight them and send them off. Try to understand why you are having them?

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jexa))))))))))))))))))))))))))

*sending big safe hugs*.

I understand, and I dont pretend to understand your pain becuase its different for everyone, but I understand what its like to feel so guilty, so "at fault" but someday it will get easier to realize it isnt. what happened WAS abuse. (((((jexa)))))) hang in there hun

Everyone keeps saying, this horrible event, you are all trying to validate my feelings, and I just.. it just doesn't sit. I just feel like you all must not really understand that I didn't even have my clothes off or anything. Do you really all understand that?

I don't know.. ugh, maybe I am just in a bad place right now. Sannah I like what you had to say. Stuffing, avoiding, running away.. none of this is going to work.

I guess it's just that the aftermath of telling is worse than anything I ever went through. Telling has caused me more pain than anything grandpa ever did. And the pain that I feel the most is not the pain of the child who lost her innocence, but the pain of the adult whose family was torn apart because she told a secret a long time ago. And I just keep thinking, I could have prevented myself this pain, I could have found a way to get grandpa to stop, I never even tried to tell him to stop. Isn't this guilt legitimate?

I have read your posts of what happened. I understand what you have said. And I still think that it is not your fault. I still think that this is completely your grandfather's fault. Even the pain you are in now is his fault. The guilt you feel is understandable. But that does not make it your guilt to hold! Your grandfather should be holding this guilt. All of the guilt. The guilt you have been holding for telling and the pain you feel about the disruption of your family. This is all his, none of it is yours. You may feel it. And I can't take that pain away from you (I wish I could.) But it is not your fault. Not any of it. What he did was wrong! Remember this link from the other night in chat. http://www.yesican.org/definitions/WHO.html Check it out when you question the truth about whether what he did was wrong or not. He is responsible for all of the fall out from what he did. There are things that are supposed to be told. Child abuse is one of those things. We will continue to tell you as long as you need to hear it.

Safe hugs if you want them.

You feel guilty for causing an upset in your family. I feel guilty for not speaking up, for not doing something when I had the chance. I always wonder, "what if I had done more to get myself heard?" What if my brother has another opportunity to hurt another young girl all because I failed to speak up?

Really, it is a lose-lose situation. If you say something, then your closest family turns on you; if you remain silent, you turn on yourself. Either way, the pain is just as real, so the guilt seems just as plausible. But you're fooling yourself into taking responsibility for someone else's actions. Your grandfather caused that pain, not you. How could you prevent the thoughts and actions of another person? All you can do is be brave even when no one else is willing to listen...

Jexa,
IMO, in any kind of abuse, the the physical violation is just the tip of the iceburg. I am not in any way minimizing it in anyway, because what your grandfather did was awful, in the most objective sense. But the emotional violation, the betrayal, is so impossible to comprehend. This was a person who was supposed to love you, care for you, protect you, cherish you, and instead he used you for his own se*ual gratification.
As others have said, the guilt is not yours. As others have pointed out, you would have felt guilty if you hadn't told, and this had happened to others. It truly IS a no-win situation.
I don't want to put the focus on myself, but just to let you know how I can relate, I often feel HORRIBLY guilty for telling on my abuser. It was a decision I had to make, it was the right thing to do, even though it came at a huge personal price. It sounds like you have also paid a terrible price.....It is not fair. NOT FAIR. There is no one who can tell you the decision and aftermath don't suck. But your grandfather is responsible for all of this.
About not trying to get him to stop - UGH! You were a child. He had no right to use you that way! He had ALL the power in the situation, and you had none. The fear and shock you must have felt......the confusion.....when someone is violent the fight/flight mechanism kicks in. But when someone is hurting us under the pretense of loving us, it is impossible to know what to do.
I wish I could say more, I wish I could 'convince' you of all of this. I struggle with the same type of thoughts, and I think part of the healing process is re-framing these types of thoughts, placing the guilt and shame where it truly belongs - on the abuser, NOT on the victim.

Here is something that may help you see how wrong your grandpa was.
Visualize that you are witnessing two strangers interact in this way.
What is your gut response to what you are seeing the adult man doing to an innocent child who is just learning how the world works?

What would you DO if you came upon that scene?

Big hugs!!!!