[shoez]

Im sorry for the overload of posts lately. I am just flooded with despair and insecurity.
Along with my current situation (living with my mother who has me on edge constantly) and various and sundry other 'things' I find that my past is starting to creep its way back into my life.

This morning I caught myself in a tornado of worries as I drifted in and out of sleep at 7:00AM because I could get no sleep the night before. I have a very deep deep fear that I am just being "stupid" as my mother calls it. That whatever has happened to me in my past, with my stepfather, mother, and biological father. Was not as bad as it could have been. Entering therapy, I feel selfish, like I am just there to talk badly about people and I shouldn't talk about what happened because Im just trying to blow it out of proportion. Sometimes I even question if it did happen and maybe I just imagined things. Even though there is evidence, I still find myself in these "question tornadoes". And then I feel like a liar, or an attention seeker. Because what happened to me wasnt done by a stranger, it wasnt done behind a bush or soemthing, or in a lonely street...it was in my house, and I knew when it would happen and I could have done more to stop it and I didn't. And I just feel like maybe it just plain wasnt bad enough to have to go to therapy for ....like...maybe im wasting my T's time. Or wasting everyones time and im just being dramatic. Like these symtoms im having maybe im just...idk being stupid and blowing them up or I dont know. ....im going into another tornado here. Of questions and doubts and insecurity. I just feel like maybe im wasting my T's time, that it just wasnt "that bad"

How can I stop these "tornadoes". Im wondering if maybe I really am minimising or if its just not that "big a deal"

[purple_fins]

Oh you could have kept your post up.
It doesn't matter if something similar was posted before-- this one came from you and that is what makes it different/unique.

You deserve support too.

best to you,

fins

[shoez]

Originally Posted by purple_fins

Oh you could have kept your post up.
It doesn't matter if something similar was posted before-- this one came from you and that is what makes it different/unique.

You deserve support too.

best to you,

fins

I reposted..thanks. I think I was just really nervous. I didnt want to repeat it

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by shoez

I have a very deep deep fear that I am just being "stupid" as my mother calls it.

That whatever has happened to me in my past, with my stepfather, mother, and biological father. Was not as bad as it could have been.

Entering therapy, I feel selfish, like I am just there to talk badly about people and I shouldn't talk about what happened because Im just trying to blow it out of proportion.

Sometimes I even question if it did happen and maybe I just imagined things.

I feel like a liar, or an attention seeker.

I just feel like maybe it just plain wasnt bad enough to have to go to therapy for ....like...maybe im wasting my T's time.

Or ... im just being dramatic.

Like these symtoms im having maybe im just...idk being stupid and blowing them up

Sounds like the old messages that were planted there by the abusers are surfacing.

You are not being stupid.
What happened was bad.
You are not a liar.
You do need attention - finally!
You need your therapy.

Shoez, I'm sorry that you had to experience that while growing up.

I read your profile. You seem to be a gifted thinker and writer. I think your Shoez theme is really creative. I like where you got it and I like that picture in your profile with the shoe tying.

[WePow]

Shoez, you are in therapy because you are smart and you are trying to heal. That is not selfish in any way. In fact, it proves that you are trying to be a healthy member of society. If you just cared about yourself, you would loose yourself in something like a chemical addiction. You would not make the effort to heal.

There is a lot of pain there for you to process through. Keep working at it and don't give up on you.

[purple_fins]

shoez,

Nice to see you re-posted.

I hope you can post whenever you want/need to and not feel nervous.

I agree with what others have posted to you here.... and I'd like to add, they are very wise members too.

You seem to be on a path towards finding healing and I think that is a very good direction to be going.

I had to learn at a very young age that "I" am my own best advocate, that's how it is as an adult for sure-- but sometimes children have to take the reigns and be their own best guide/parent. I'm not sure how old you are but it's never too early to be your own best support.
Believe in yourself and listen to your heart.

thinking of you

fins

[Perna]

There's no such think as minimalizing or "no big deal" or "not as bad as it could have been". You are talking about your life and everything that is important to you is real and. . . important :-) You're the one living your life and if it bothers you, you are the only one who gets the right to say how important it is to you! There is no comparison of lives; you're not as good/bad/have a better/worse experience than anyone else because there's no way to compare the two! We're each completely alone in our own experiences and yes, while something I do easily might be hard for you or something you do easily be hard for me, so? They're not the same experience because we're not the same person.

From reading your posts, were I you, I'd work to get away/separate from your mother; she seems to be the most volatile/confusing person in your environment/Life and not being of any help? I have seen nothing in what you report her saying/doing that would be helpful to me, but only help cause me the grief I hear you saying you're feeling!

[Typo]

((((((((((((Shoez)))))))))))))))))

Denial and minimizing is something we have to learn to work through, it's a defense mechanism one usually adopts to help soothe the pain or make all the bad memories go away, it's so much easier to say it never happend, or lie to ourselves than to deal with the reality and the pain

But it's worth working through, and learning, and healing

I too was abused by a family member, no stragner, it wasn't done in the bushes, but at family gatherings, at places that were suppose to be safe, most of the times, abuse happens not from strangers but from people in our own families, people we know and trust, that is why abuse hurts so much, it's a betrayl by those that are suppose to be safe.

Never blame yourself hun, IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. Abuser's work to make us voiceless, quiet us, keep us from telling or fighting, it's a part of the abuse, it's another dimennsion of it, please don't blame yourself, although from my experince that is something one learns in time is to let go of the self blame

Please be gentle with yourself Shoez, your not blowing it out of porportion at all, it was real, it happend, and your taking a very brave step foreword to try and heal by talking to a T, don't let what your mom says keep you down or doubt yourself, you know the truth, and that is what is most importnat

Best wishes, and sending you peace and serenity
Typo

[granite1]

shoez all i have are (((HUGS))))if it is ok

[claygenius]

(((Shoez)))
Thanks so much for posting. I feel like this all of the time!!!! Your post makes me feel less alone. I agree with all the posts posted before mine. Hang in there!!!!