[Zenobia]

I have come to realize that what I crave is to have someone take care of me yet I choose people who are not able to do so. Then when they fail I get depressed and feel lonely and unloved. Please tell me that now I know this about myself I will be able to make better choices in the future.
Zen

<font color=green>The snow falls on no two trees alike, and the forms it assumes are as various as those of the twigs and leaves which recieve it...so one divine spirit decends alike on all, but bears a peculiar fruit in each--Henry David Thoreau

[darkeyes]

Hi Zen,
It is possible that by knowing this now, you'll be able to make better choices, but what is important is that you have reached the realization of what you have been looking for, that is step #1, don't you think? And there is nothing wrong to look for the person or persons you want to "take care of you", but you need to ask yourself "in which way do I really want this? Do I really need this to be this way? Then the hardest part is trying to set yourself free of this "craving / need", and be your own person, perhaps no longer having to have people take care of you. I myself for many years always wanted to know that those around me "will take care of me, and always will be there for me", like you I have been hurt and it sucks
I wasn't terribly treated as a kid or anything like that, so I don't know where this came from, but I have been ab;e to get away from it over the past 3 years, seperating from this pattern is very hard, and it was almost like I had to "toughen up" and tell myself "I'm not going to let people know I am needy anymore !!" "I will not put that pressure on anyone anymore" The one thing I have not resolved is "why do I feel that need??"" Zen, if you can, please tell me why I do, cause it puzzles me often.
Hope you are feeling better
** hugs & smiles **
"darkeyes"

[Fuzzybear]

I can relate to this, and I think it definitely goes back to unmet needs in childhood. By choosing people who are unable to care for you, or take care of you, you are repeating something that went wrong, probably in very early childhood, perhaps pre-verbally, in the hope that somehow things will be "repaired" or resolved. Or in some perverse way, there may be some unconscious attraction to repeating old traumas ......How to make better choices in the future? I have no clue, except for knowing what qualities not to look for..... and learning self-care and self-soothing on a deep level. I hope that I have not "bummed" anyone out with this reply. I often ask myself the same questions and feel the same things....I would recommend "Love's Executioner" by Irvin Yalom (sp?),. It is one of the most interesting books I have read, insightful, poignant and sometimes humourous....

Take care,
Fuzzy

[mj14]

Zen, your post could have been written by me, it is so close to my own situation. And if I recall correctly, you have talked about feelings of neglect and being ignored by your parents, which is also close to my own situation, so maybe there is some connection...we are looking for care that we did not find as children. I cannot speak for you, but I know the reason that I tend to "choose poorly" is because since I have such a need to be taken care of, I coose quickly rather than well, if that makes sense.

Being single, I am in a slightly different situation than you, but all of my therapists have suggested that I remain single until I learn to "take care of myself". Because when it comes right down to it, if we are missing our own sense of self, no other person can provide it for us. One visualization technique that has helped me a lot with my feelings of loneliness and neediness is to close my eyes and visualize myself as a small child, and then visualize my adult self picking up the child and hugging her and comforting her the way I wish I had been held and comforted. It may sound kind of silly, but it has been very helpful for me.

Anyway, understanding your behavior is a first step, but I think to really make better choices, it is also important to be able to find in yourself some of the caretaking that you have been looking for in others.

*lots of hugs*
mj

[Zenobia]

Thank you all for your replies.

I have had to take care of myself emotionally from a very young age. I had to learn to soothe myself because if I voiced my sadness or illness I became a bother to my parents. So many time I heard "I don't want to deal with this now." So what I seek in people is for them to help me on an emotional level. I can deal fine with the day to day stuff. I could live just fine (perhaps even better) on my own because of my extremely practical nature. Lord I put 3/4 of my waitressing money I earned when I was 16 into a savings account and was still using it a year after I quit. It is the emotional stuff that I need help with. I don't care if people forget my birthday or don't send cards for Christmas. I am an extremely low maintenance friend. I will forget you exist if you don't talk to me in over a week. But when I reach out when I am hurting I need some sort of response. I suppose that is true for most people. It is just that when I am hurting I need to be cared for and when someone I reach out to fails to respond I crash emotionally. I become suicidal. And inevitably I pick people to reach out to who just aren't able to respond. It is funny because the response I need is minimal. Just a card or a call. I don't need them to fawn all over me, in fact I can't stand that kind of behavior. I just need someone to say "Gosh I am sorry you hurt, how about an icecream?" Sigh. Oh well. I usually forget about the whole thing within a week so I guess in the long run it doesn't matter to much. It would just be nice if once in awhile when I tell someone that my relative died that person would go to the card shop and get me a card.
Zen

<font color=green>The snow falls on no two trees alike, and the forms it assumes are as various as those of the twigs and leaves which recieve it...so one divine spirit decends alike on all, but bears a peculiar fruit in each--Henry David Thoreau

[darkeyes]

You mentioning the card shop, I was so pissed and hurt when my sister-in-law of 25yrs. couldn't think of being respectful and send my family a sympathy card for my family when my dad died, I didn't want them all to gather around me ands say "oh you poor thing", but I wanted respect for my dad. They sent a mass card almost 2 months later, I guess better late than never. The thing that gets me is that for everything my husband and I have been there for them, but they have become so self centered, that they have fogotten us
Sorry, I had to vent. . . I too would like to know why do I look for emotional care or concern from those who could care less basically? Perhaps it is something that goes back to childhood.
Take care now,
** hugs **
"darkeyes"

[bptoo]

Hi Zen,

I can tell you that you make bad choices in this situation. I can tell you that you have the ability make better ones in the future. I can't tell you that you will. We condition ourselves to do things a certain way over time and those things become habits, and habits can be very hard to break. Zen, I often do things that I know are going are probably going have a negative impact on me, but it's what I've conditioned myself to do. I'm sure there's others here that do the same thing. I'm in the process now of changing some habits in my life, sleep patterns, eating more healthy, getting more exercise. But it's difficult because it takes a real conscious effort to make it happen, these new things are not part of my normal habits.

I have no doubt in my mind that you can make better choices in this situation, you've proven yourself to be strong. But watch for making a knee-jerk reaction when something like this comes up. Stop, think about it. Think about what is really best for you and then make a choice. Habits can be changed, but they take understanding and hard work to make them happen.

I hope you're well dear,
bp

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

[mj14]

Zen, again, your words sound almost like they came out of my mouth, although it may be that our common experiences have left us with different needs. I also grew up with that tacet command of "don't bother your parents". In my case, it left me craving physical attention, which is why that visualization works well for me, when I am not getting actual hugs. But it sounds like you and I are pretty similar in that we expect very little from our friends, but when we want something, it is crucial we receive it. The problem is, if you expect very little from people, then that's what we tend to get. You said that you actually don't want someone who would "fawn all over you", so you choose people who are not inclined to respond to your needs when they do arise.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I totally understand where you are coming from because I've had a lot of the same issues. And I think realizing that you choose the "wrong" people for your needs is a first step toward changing the pattern. But it may also help to look at how you reach out to people...I know for me, since I was always told not to be a bother, sometimes I feel like I am screaming for help, but the people around me never even hear it, because I'm really whispering (if that makes any sense).

But whatever happens, I do hope you find the comfort you need. And I hope you take what I say above as being too preachy...I'm just trying to share what has helped me, since your words struck such a chord...maybe it doesn't apply to you at all.

(((((Zen)))))

mj

[Zenobia]

What you both said got my wheels a-turnin'. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate what my needs actually are. Having come from a neglectful background I am not all the connected to my feelings. Maybe I do need to ask for and expect more attention. But how do I know how much is enough when I don't know that I actually need it?

As for changing habits, argh, it is a constant struggle. When I finally seem to have one habit changed and feel like I can move on to the next one the first one goes back to the way it was. Sigh. Just have to keep at it I guess. I think that when I do slip back into old habits they are not as pronounced as they were before I worked to change them...Yeah that is what I think.
Zen

<font color=green>The snow falls on no two trees alike, and the forms it assumes are as various as those of the twigs and leaves which recieve it...so one divine spirit decends alike on all, but bears a peculiar fruit in each--Henry David Thoreau

[Fuzzybear]

I hope no one is bummed at me if I bring this thread up to the top again.
I think it is such a good thread (apart from my reply ..)
(I don't want it to disappear completely off the map yet)

Take care all,
Fuzzy

[Fuzzybear]

*I think that when I do slip back into old habits they are not as pronounced as they were before I worked to change them*

Rock on,
Fuzzy

Gee, thanks for bringing this thread back up-- I've never seen it before.

Boy, does it hit home for me!! Had some similar experiences in childhood as Zen did.

Thank you- to all that posted here.
I'm going to go read it again--- much for me to think about.

mandy