Only once

my dad did it to me when i was ten. but only anally and only once. so not so bad. but he didnt ask, just told me to turn around and suddenly did it. and i just stood there and let him. totally unexpected. what bugs me is i dont remember how i felt. no clue. the memory is like watching a movie about someone else.

is it common to not remember the feelings. maybe it didnt affect me.

perhaps you are dissociating. I have done that when I was too overwhelmed

You were probably in shock and totally disconnected from the situation and your feelings. I'm really sorry that that happened to you.

(((((Suzzie))))) I too have experienced the none emotion part of some experiences. I'm sorry to hear of your experience

((suzzie))

I agree with the others about it being likely that you dissociated from the experience. I have done the same thing with similar experiences, my T has mentioned my tendency to dissociate when I am recalling events in therapy. I look as though I'm on auto-pilot. No emotions, droning voice (despite what's being described), it is not uncommon to dissociate from experiences like these.

I'm sorry ~ gentle hugs to you.

(((suzzie)))
I agree with everyone else that you probably dissociated from the event.

think you are all right. i never heard of the word dissociating before starting t. and i do check out alot in t on certain things.

suzzie,
just a gentle reminder that you should put a trigger sign on your posts like this one.

Kacey2,
sorry i upset you and others by not having the warning.
i didnt think. i wasnt being sensitive.

pm'ed moderator to add one.
thank you for telling me.

it is too much. i should have worded it differently and left some things out. and just made it more general.

No, it is okay to post these things, just add the trigger. Everyone's needs can be met. You don't have to sacrifice your needs for others.

No Suzzie you don't need to be sorry and you don't have to change your postings. I just wanted to remind you of that feature. It is seriously ok. I don't want to come accross as being uncaring about you or your needs. Hope no feelings were hurt on your end.

think you did an emotional disconnect and that's why you don't recall how u felt. i'm sorry your dad violated you, inmo this was not right. glad he never did it again.

Kacey2, i was never upset at you.

you didnt do anything wrong. i was upset with myself for doing something so stupid. i know the trigger signs are important and i didnt put one. dont know why i didnt. it doesnt make sense. but im sorry because i should have....it affects people.

Kacey2, you are a very caring person. you have been from the start. and still are. and will continue to be. because thats who you are.

once ... or 100 times... its always bad and totally wrong
take care

madisgram, yes its true he never that again. and that was good. but he did do other things. and sometimes what he didnt do was wrong.

you are right. i just need to believe it.

Exactly, suzzie. That is something that seems to be individual thing.

I have been able to accept a couple of abusive memories ~ 15 years or so after the events. Several other memories have dragged me down for 35 years. Those older ones gnaw on my fragile inner core. While I know that I must accept the past, to go on more healthily in the future, I fight against acceptance.

Not an easy road...not a quick road...but I am aware of my contribution to my misery by not accepting these memories.

yes, accepting is the hard part. i was already bad (tainted) before this happened. maybe that is why he did it. i made it a temptation. and why i dont see it as that wrong.

?????

A ten year old? You did nothing wrong. He was the adult and he did wrong.

((suzzie)) - I'm so sorry such a despicable crime happened to you and you're brave for posting this. I understand this is very hard for you to talk about and I sense you're having trouble with claiming this was wrong in a strong voice - that's understandable.

I'll quote where I see this happening:
Your father doesn't deserve 'only's' here. Whether anally or the alternatives - this is rape and only once doesn't negate the sin on him. You say "you let him" - you dear person didn't have the choice - that was stolen from you. I truly can't imagine the pain and confusion that goes through a young child's mind - when a parent who's supposed to protect, instead abuses in the worst way. I'm sorry for sounding mad but child abuse, especially pedophiles make my blood boil.

Don't be ashamed and say it for what it really is - this was a brutal, shameful act forced upon you. He doesn't deserve 'only's, or just's or self blame. You're entitled to use your strong voice and claim what's yours.

Sannah, because i was already being s/a by his friend. and i think he knew. because years later he told me he knew stuff. that his friend had told him. thats why i think it was a temptation. he knew i would and say nothing.

I'm so sorry Suzzie. Your dad sounds really sick. It still wasn't your fault, though. It was your dad's duty to protect you and because of his own issues/problems he failed to do that. In addition, he crossed a parent/child boundary that he should have never crossed. He was the adult and you were the child.

i am worried about how t is going to interpret this term in relation to my past.

Why?......