Only once

because im afraid of how certain things that have happened might be classified. especially the on going stuff. some things happened alot and it just cant be this. i dont want it to be. im worried about it. have been from near starting t. when she asked a particular question and i didnt answer. we havent really gone back to the trauma stuff yet. she has backed off.

the more i talk about my past. the more it shatters how ok i really thought it was.

I'm sorry if the word 'rape' upset you. Child abuse and sexual abuse really puts the 'fire' in me because I was almost assaulted by my brother inlaw. When I read your post, I felt like it was trying to minimize what happened and in a way - it sounded like you were blaming yourself in some way.

I realize this is because of the abuse and how confusing this must have been for you. I don't like to see you blaming yourself in anyway - it's okay you 'just' stood there - you were scared and confused...this doesn't mean you were allowing it. If it happened once this doesn't make it less of an offense. You still seem to be grappling with these issues, so perhaps I shouldn't be so honest and straight forward. I don't want you to minimize what happened or blame yourself.

Tell this to your T. I bet she knows this, and she will take you on the path to healing as carefully as possible. But, it will fill you with strong feelings!

I am so, so sorry about what happened to you. Like the others, I now know and believe that adults are not supposed to do that to kids - and there is NOTHING, never anything, that a kid does to deserve this or ask for this horrific treatment. And your Dad was supposed to protect you from the predator, not join the ranks.

There are many of us here who understand your story. I am glad you are getting help. Stay safe!

lynn p. your post was fine as you wrote it. no worries. i want you to be honest and straight forward.

im am having a hard time with this right now. im used to just stuffing this stuff. not really think about it. just keeping it at superficial and light level. and not remembering it alot of the time. but since starting t i cant stop thinking about it deeper. and feeling i was wrong. and t is so far off this time. that i just keep thinking but have nowhere to go with it. so it just grows. sorry. im trying to shut up about this on pc. but im not doing a good job of it.

Thank you for your post. I can't imagine how you must feel. Even though I had a close call with assault - even that shook me up and made me have such a hatred for child abusers. I realize my post was straight forward and that's because it's pains me, to see you or anyone blame themselves for child abuse. It's a passionate issue for me.

I hope your T will help you process this and I hope talking about it here won't make it worse for you. If you think it helps you to talk about it, then we don't mind listening to you. Do whatever you feel comfortable with and we're on your side.

Suzzie, this is all part of the healing process, accepting what happened to you and accepting where you are right now. It is a process. I'm sorry that you are in distress.

suzzie,

I understand exactly what you're describing. That's exactly what I have done, and still find myself struggling with. Talking about the thoughts and emotions here is much more helpful, for me, than continuing to repress the memories.

While I don't exactly enjoy talking about these thoughts and experiences, the repression really caused troubles for me. Troubles that I just couldn't grasp, edges of little memories that popped into my mind every couple of years. It scared the bejeezers out of me every single time, and I'd go into a panic trying to keep those memories held deeply inside. Man, that sucked!!

I do remind myself of that every now and then ~ to get through the miserable feelings: guilt, shame, self-hate. While my connected emotions are illogical, and people automatically point that out, I still feel them. What has really helped me in my process is for my T to validate those horrible feelings that I feel. We hope that, eventually, those emotions will become less and less intense (and perhaps disappear). Irrational or not, you have those feelings. That is okay. It is okay to blame yourself. It is okay to hate yourself for letting these things happen to you. BUT, you don't have to stew in those emotions forever.

There are still other safe things in this life that you can enjoy. Try to pay more attention to those things that don't bring up the instant self-hate emotions and thoughts. It takes a little bit of time, but you can slowly build that release bridge. A safe place for you to go to (in imagination or physically) and regain a greater sense of calm.

Gentle hugs..

Hi Shezbut! These feelings aren't illogical at all. Just about everyone who goes through these bad experiences feels the same things. It is a normal reaction. The illogical part of all of it is what happened to you. Those people did things that weren't right. Your reaction is normal.

Shezbut, is this really what you meant to say here ^? Children LET awful things happen to them?

Suzzie... I am so very, very sorry you experienced this. I have a ten year old girl. The thought of her experiencing anything so violating, so intimate, so physically painful, so emotionally damaging, utterly horrifies me. If my daughter or any of her friends were to experience **** sex from their father I can say, without any doubt in my mind, that it would cause them emotional harm and damage that would last for years and years and years and years. Even if it happened 'only once'.

It affected you, Suzzie. I honestly don't believe it is possible that it didn't. I am so sorry your father chose to do that to his little girl.

Some parents, when they find out their child has been sexually abused, go ballistic. They are so outraged / upset / beside themselves with guilt that they were unable to protect their child from harm that they quite literally want to kill the perpetrator. Some parents will leave everything they know and love behind to move to safer place to protect their child from further abuse. Some parents will get professional help to support their child and family through the aftermath of disclosed or discovered abuse. They will do everything they possibly can to assure the child he or she is safe, precious, loved, protected, and OK. Some parents will ensure their child's perpetrator is brought to justice, or they will raise public awareness or take some other course of action to prevent the perpetrator offending against their own or another child again.

Some parents will turn a blind eye to abuse, and allow the abuse of their child to continue. Some parents will actively hide the ongoing abuse from others.
Some parents will use their knowledge of their child's abuse and vulnerability to their own advantage / to fulfil their own sexual desires and urges.

Suzzie... the question is not "what kind of child were you?" but this:

What kind of parents did you have?

What kind of parents?

the kind i couldnt go to about anything. we werent close. my dad drank way too much. cant go to my mom.

but they were good parents who tried their best. i just over look the mistakes. and its not so bad.

I know that it sounds strange, Sannah. My logical side says "NO, children don't allow the awful things to happen. We are/were victims." However, my strong emotional side does not buy the logical perspective. What I was trying to say is that I am still in that phase of blaming myself. It isn't fun to experience, but it also helps to accept these relentless emotions.

Does that make better sense? I'm definitely not trying to say that we should all blame ourselves for the abuse. I am trying to say that if we're still battling with those emotions, it's easier to accept the emotions for what they are (for the time being), and they will begin to pass. The more I dwell upon the emotions, the lower I feel. Accepting them (completely wrong, my rational side knows this) gives me a break from the misery.

Working through the experiences and negative thought patterns in therapy does help, but it takes time.

Now I totally understand Shezbut and I do agree with your strategy of accepting where you are at so that you can work from there. Great work!