[Overcastbutclearing]

I wish I could go back in time and prevent what happened to me.
I wish I didn't have to deal each day with memories/visions/flashbacks from the abuse and hurt I endure.
Kind of ironic that I cannot go back and delete it but no one will allow me to run away for life.
Either way I don't see how I will ever be healed.
I cannot imagine feeling any different because no matter how hard I work on this something keeps pulling me back into the black slime pit.
I am so tired....it just doesn't seem like I can fight anymore.
Goodbye!

[mrb020377]

sj I am sorry for the pain you have suffered.
I too wish i could back in time and fight a little harder, run a little faster, scream a little louder.. something...
there are days i feel really strong and then there are days i feel like a kid try to fight back.....

I know your feelings... I am sorry. pm me if you need to

[ickydog2006]

I know what you mean by the pulling you back. For 5 years I told myself no big deal no big deal no big deal. I finally got more control until issues being resurfaced and pulling me back down to where I was before. I keep telling myself that everything will be okay and I'll forget it again, only to be thrown back under.

I wish you luck with dealing with these issues. I hope you feel better. ((((((((((((((((sj)))))))))))))))))))

[__zh]

we wish we could reverse time and undo all the horrible things done to so many on these boards. alas............

the inability to see how you will ever be healed is part of where you're at right now. that is part of the disease/disorder. the mental blocking of positive change..........the black hole of the brain where all positive things get sucked into to never be heard from again. doesn't it seem like that at times?!! does for us!

we know that feeling of not being able to imagine ever being healed or better or having a happier life. we lived in that darkeness for YEARS!! we struggled for many years with ups and downs and downs and omg how much lower can this get??? and after a few tanker loads of tears and heaps of therapy and a snazzy cocktail of meds we're not wishing for an out each day..........we're not sure what the future holds but we know that we not only deserve one but we deserve to be happy in that future we're fighting so hard to get to each day. the fight isn't the same as when we were in the darkness hating everything. the quality of the struggle has changed. it is easier in many ways but that doesn't remove the hardships that must be overcome for healing. at least now we know we're capable of facing those hardships. years back we would have tossed our hands into the air and given up in a funk. ask around. plenty of folks remember how bad off we were years back and can tell you of the desperation we lived in.

don't ask us how we know you CAN keep fighting.......we just know. trust us! sj

with continued faith in you Susan.

[Ryan]

sj... I know the feelings. I don't think there's much I could say right now to help you to feel better, but I'm here if you need to talk. Take care.

Ry

[Overcastbutclearing]

(((zh))) (((Ryan))
So difficult to keep the fight going. Isn't there a time when you just politely bow your head and say, ENOUGH now.
I don't know.
There is the saying...It is darkest before dawn....but no dawn never seems to come. Just the freaking darkness.

Well, I have T tonight. Maybe that will be some type of miracle?

[Overcastbutclearing]

(((mrb))) (((Ickydog)))

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((Susan)))))))))))))))))

[Ryan]

(((((SJ)))))

I hope that t went well tonight and that you're feeling better. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. Take care.

Ry

(((((((((Susan))))))))))))
You're going to have to make yourself a better day. You're going to have to will it to come.
I wish I could break those shackles off of you. I'm still trying to figure out how to break off my own shackles.
Did you know an elephant who's been shackled for a long period of time will still think and act like he is shackled long after the shackles have been removed?
Aren't we a lot like those elephants?
(((((((elephants)))))))) My favorite animal.

[Overcastbutclearing]

(((thanks all)))
T session went well. I even verbalized some feelings...this is rare.
I am trying to move forward. Dealing w/ the past has somewhat slowed me down but I know that I need to keep pushing myself to get through this dark period.
I hid things deep down for so long they were forgotten about. Now they are being brought up and it is like my sould is puking. Kind of nasty!

Interesting story about the elephant...I am still processing that.

[Ryan]

(((((Susan)))))

I'm so glad that t went well. Verbalizing feelings is a big step. Congratulations on that. Keep pushing dear. I know you can fight through this. Remember that we're here to help. Much love.

Ry

Temp hijack...Jax... nice elephant story. I really like it. Cease Hijack.

((((((((((((((((((sj))))))))))))))))))))))

Time0