[Distressed2010]

I'm sorry This is so long, I tried to shorten it, PLEASE READ IT THOUGH..


I really need to know whats wrong with me. Is it me or is it the people I'm around? My family is dysfunctional, my sisters are mean, I'm invalidated constantly, have always been.

My ex was abusive. The recent family friends I visited were abusive to me twice. Once was six years back, then they apologized and begged me to come back and visit them, so I did but then they repeated the same stuff.

I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me, or I'm doing something wrong??

Today, my mean instigating sister came over and she constantly tried to push my buttons, I ignored for a long time. I kept saying Stop I don't want to discuss this, just stop it.. She just accuses me of things that aren't even the truth. My uncle (mom's brother) was visiting.

Finally, I blew up. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had been avoiding her instigating fights with me for a long time now and today I just blew up. She's pissed that the new place I'll be moving to, she wants to visit the city and stay with me and when she said this to me, I was just quiet. She's pissed I wont' host her. I can't. I'd have to kill myself to do that. I don't like her. She's been mean to me all my life, used me. I used to fall for it when I was little, she'd come over and be all nice coz she needed something from me, the moment she had it, it was back to being a *****. Now that I'm older, I read into that and so no longer let her use me. But now I also don't like her.

Today, she kept telling lies to my uncle and when I refuted the lie, my uncle would tell me I was wrong. He believed her and not me. Then she threatened me (like she used to blackmail me with stupid things when I was little, I don't fall for them anymore because now I'm no longer scared of anything... I never did anything wrong as a kid either, I was a very good kid, its just that my parents didnt like me cutting my hair and I did, and she' d blackmail me with that to get what she wanted), so today she tried it again, only it was a lie today. She said Should i tell uncle what you did to me? And i said go ahead, what is it??

Her silence made me only more angry because she just repeated the same thing over again Should i tell him?? Then I just LOST IT. I lost my anger, with all the invalidation around me, and being accused of false things, I blew up! We were outside the house and I yelled in the loudest voice ever "What is it??????? what did i do????? Why dont you say it????" The neighbors heard it and I was very embarrassed. Now I'm angry at her and at myself for losing my temper. I had promised myself that I'd take things slowly from now on and control my anger and not yell, but I could only control it for so many days.. it kept building up, and she kept pushing my buttons.

At that moment, My uncle started getting angry at me and saying to my mother that I was out of control and she needs to discipline me, I'm in my late 20s. I don't like it when anger gets the better of me, but I tried super hard this time to just not get angry. When he said this, I was more hurt and angry but then I just turned everything inwards, I knew no one was there to support me i just ran into my room and cried and cried.

Now I'm angry at myself that I lost my anger. Would others in this situation also have lost it or do i just suck at controlling my emotions??

Also, Is there something wrong with me? am i aggressive or something?? I try to voice my feelings to my sister but she just turns that back around on me too and starts accusing me for false things. Then i get very angry so I had decided not to talk to her anymore. Then my mom calls me to stay in the room with everyone, after a long time I came out and sat with everyone and this happened.

Oh, and she said she does so much for me, like on my last year visit she gave me diamond earrings. She only gave it to look good in front of my mom, whenever she does things like this, everyone in my family says oh wow she's so caring. But she's not! I dont want anything materialistic, all i want is honesty and care and love. I said she didnt get me anything for my birthday this year and she said so what? i gave you DIAMOND earrings last year. My uncle went wild on that and supported her.

I got furious. Took a thousand dollars and threw it on her face and said "This should take care of the earrings and dont' ever show me your face again. I never want to see you. I don't like you, you're dead for me. "

I would have liked to give back the earrings which probably costed only 250 dollars but I couldn't find them. She didn't take the money and ran outside to give my mom and uncle a guilt trip.

Anyway, long story short, my uncle believes her, my mother believes me, she knows what both my sisters have done to me. I'm not a happy person, I feel very alone.

Please tell me is something wrong with me or is it other people?? WHy am i being abused over and over again??? How do I break this cycle and seek positive loving people? Am i doing something wrong?

I didn't talk to my uncle after that and told him i was done with him too coz he supported her without even listening to me. I thought that was unfair and i was very hurt by that. Did i do the right thing?

[Ardmore]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

I'm sorry This is so long, I tried to shorten it, PLEASE READ IT THOUGH..


I really need to know whats wrong with me. Is it me or is it the people I'm around? My family is dysfunctional, my sisters are mean, I'm invalidated constantly, have always been.

My ex was abusive. The recent family friends I visited were abusive to me twice. Once was six years back, then they apologized and begged me to come back and visit them, so I did but then they repeated the same stuff.

I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me, or I'm doing something wrong??

Today, my mean instigating sister came over and she constantly tried to push my buttons, I ignored for a long time. I kept saying Stop I don't want to discuss this, just stop it.. She just accuses me of things that aren't even the truth. My uncle (mom's brother) was visiting.

Finally, I blew up. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had been avoiding her instigating fights with me for a long time now and today I just blew up. She's pissed that the new place I'll be moving to, she wants to visit the city and stay with me and when she said this to me, I was just quiet. She's pissed I wont' host her. I can't. I'd have to kill myself to do that. I don't like her. She's been mean to me all my life, used me. I used to fall for it when I was little, she'd come over and be all nice coz she needed something from me, the moment she had it, it was back to being a *****. Now that I'm older, I read into that and so no longer let her use me. But now I also don't like her.

Today, she kept telling lies to my uncle and when I refuted the lie, my uncle would tell me I was wrong. He believed her and not me. Then she threatened me (like she used to blackmail me with stupid things when I was little, I don't fall for them anymore because now I'm no longer scared of anything... I never did anything wrong as a kid either, I was a very good kid, its just that my parents didnt like me cutting my hair and I did, and she' d blackmail me with that to get what she wanted), so today she tried it again, only it was a lie today. She said Should i tell uncle what you did to me? And i said go ahead, what is it??

Her silence made me only more angry because she just repeated the same thing over again Should i tell him?? Then I just LOST IT. I lost my anger, with all the invalidation around me, and being accused of false things, I blew up! We were outside the house and I yelled in the loudest voice ever "What is it??????? what did i do????? Why dont you say it????" The neighbors heard it and I was very embarrassed. Now I'm angry at her and at myself for losing my temper. I had promised myself that I'd take things slowly from now on and control my anger and not yell, but I could only control it for so many days.. it kept building up, and she kept pushing my buttons.

At that moment, My uncle started getting angry at me and saying to my mother that I was out of control and she needs to discipline me, I'm in my late 20s. I don't like it when anger gets the better of me, but I tried super hard this time to just not get angry. When he said this, I was more hurt and angry but then I just turned everything inwards, I knew no one was there to support me i just ran into my room and cried and cried.

Now I'm angry at myself that I lost my anger. Would others in this situation also have lost it or do i just suck at controlling my emotions??

Also, Is there something wrong with me? am i aggressive or something?? I try to voice my feelings to my sister but she just turns that back around on me too and starts accusing me for false things. Then i get very angry so I had decided not to talk to her anymore. Then my mom calls me to stay in the room with everyone, after a long time I came out and sat with everyone and this happened.

Oh, and she said she does so much for me, like on my last year visit she gave me diamond earrings. She only gave it to look good in front of my mom, whenever she does things like this, everyone in my family says oh wow she's so caring. But she's not! I dont want anything materialistic, all i want is honesty and care and love. I said she didnt get me anything for my birthday this year and she said so what? i gave you DIAMOND earrings last year. My uncle went wild on that and supported her.

I got furious. Took a thousand dollars and threw it on her face and said "This should take care of the earrings and dont' ever show me your face again. I never want to see you. I don't like you, you're dead for me. "

I would have liked to give back the earrings which probably costed only 250 dollars but I couldn't find them. She didn't take the money and ran outside to give my mom and uncle a guilt trip.

Anyway, long story short, my uncle believes her, my mother believes me, she knows what both my sisters have done to me. I'm not a happy person, I feel very alone.

Please tell me is something wrong with me or is it other people?? WHy am i being abused over and over again??? How do I break this cycle and seek positive loving people? Am i doing something wrong?

I didn't talk to my uncle after that and told him i was done with him too coz he supported her without even listening to me. I thought that was unfair and i was very hurt by that. Did i do the right thing?

From what I read, you're not the one with the problem, your sister seems to start the issues, wish I could help more.
Nothing is wrong with you, (sorry about my language) your sister sounds like a ****ing c**t.

I think you need to tell your sister to stay out of your life, or to not interfere.

She's not going to get anywhere by being a brat>

[Sannah]

I think it is the people and the culture. The culture, because there are so many rules on how you are supposed to behave, which constrain you. The people you are around because your sister seems to have no feelings at all and you do, so when you naturally show your feelings, like any of us would in your situation too, you look like the problem in your culture (because of the rules and hierarchy and the group and all that). Individual feelings don't mean anything, if I understand correctly.

[Distressed2010]

I "suppose" its the culture. i'm not sure because I have seen famililies where no one is supposed to abuse each other, yet they still maintain the elder younger hierarchy.

And amusingly, my famliy is supposed to be a more "modern" open minded and we are more open minded than others I have noticed when it comes to race and other cultures.

These six months that I spent with my parents, I have described to my mother how the whole family and how they treat me has affected me and I think she's seeing more clearly now. In the Past whenever I'd speak against anyone, she'd invalidate it probably because she was in denial and she didn't want me to be alone, she still doesn't like that I am alone but atleast now she acknowledges what they do.

In the past, my sister also used to say "but mom I didn't do that! that wasn't my intention, she's my sister! i would never do that to her.. " It was a lie. I just don't fall for her lies anymore when she says "im her sister" but then treats me like crap.
I am really angry at my uncle. i feel like he broke my trust, I did not expect this from him. He saw what she was doing to me and then when I lost it he blamed it on me and said I was out of control and that my mom needs to keep me in control. Am I right with feeling angry at him for this? I sort of feel betrayed in a weird way. Some of the things he says are instigating as well.

He first said to my sister be nice to me because tomorrow if i become successful I won't look at her (which I already don't because i dont like her). Thats when she got furious and was like "well she already doesnt want me to visit" and i said "no i dont. you're not nice to me why should i?". and thats really how it all started.

She has lied to my uncle about me and amplified things that weren't really there. Do i do something about this like explain to him or leave it? During the fight when I was explaining it to him, he kept invalidating me. INfact things that I said about her, he said NO she couldnt have done that. I don't believe that. When my mom also takes my side, he ignores her thinking she's naive and under MY influence. Should I do something about this? can i do anything about this? or do i just leave it and take all the blame like i always have. I suppose I'd be the scapegoat of the family.

She instigates me to the point of where I cannot think anymore and I lose it then she turns around and says toeveryone "see how she's (in reference to me) behaving?? what did i do to deserve this??!" thats when everyone turns around on me and pounces on me. THATS HOW ITS ALWAYS HAPPENED SINCE I WAS 4.

What i dont understand is why is it always me?? Why does everyone always pounce on me? Am i doing something wrong or is there a sign on my forehead that says "come abuse me?" Why am I running accross abusive and manipulative people all the time??

And i hate it when people ask me how many siblings I have and who I'm closest to the most.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Ardmore

From what I read, you're not the one with the problem, your sister seems to start the issues, wish I could help more.
Nothing is wrong with you, (sorry about my language) your sister sounds like a ****ing c**t.

I think you need to tell your sister to stay out of your life, or to not interfere.

She's not going to get anywhere by being a brat>

i have told her to stay out but she won't. Many times I catch her starting a fight and I say stop it. I dont want to fight. But she doesnt listen and continues as she wishes. I dont understand whats her issue with me.

[Can't Stop Crying]

It sounds like your sister is manipulative and has gotten other family members "snowed". When you move, try to limit your contact with them as much as possible. Surround yourself with people who care about you. Sibling relationships are very unique...it's hard to feel like the underdog.

[Distressed2010]

When she gets them snowed I feel like I lost, I feel like I've lost to her all my entire life. Will this never change?

I've always been told I'm bad bad bad. I'm just so sick of it. He tells my mom she needs to keep me in control and that triggered my whole past, I was always told I am a real brat I throw tantrums, what about keeping the abusive people in control in the first place? If they'd stay in control and stop pushing my buttons, I wouldn't react. I tried so hard not to react but just couldn't help it.

[Distressed2010]

Should I write to my uncle and tell him I was really hurt because he didn't hear the whole thing and just believed her or would that just be a waste? Should I cut it off with him too?

He is helping me move soon.

[Distressed2010]

I just took the two things my sister ever gave to me and handed them to my mother to give them back to her. I really don't want them anymore. And my mother just turned it around on me and started yelling at me, and started saying "i told them it would be hard for me to handle her after you've done this. " (she's talking about me).

I'm really hurt moreso now. I really don't feel like living. I don't know why i came to this world. i dont feel like anyone cares, NO one. why did i have to live this life, why me?

She kept getting angry at me and telling me to get out of her house and i'm out of control, etc... WHAT DID I DO WRONG??? JUST COZ I HAVE FEELINGS AND I GOT HURT AND I CRIED????

[Distressed2010]

Will someone please guide me what to do next? I'm sorry I don't mean to be a squeeky wheel but I'm just so confused sometimes as whats the most healthy step forward because I'm trying to break existing patterns.

i'd much appreciate any advice. thanks!

[Ardmore]

I'm going through almost the same ordeal with my sister so I know how you feel, ignore her completely if you have to, as for give back the stuff she gave you, go ahead it'll let her know that you don't want her charity.

Best of luck to you

[madisgram]

hi disressed, i believe your family chooses not to have the capacity to validate you and your feelings. trying to explain your position won't help either cuz they r what they are. my family was/is the same way. in therapy i learned what this all was-invalidation.
can you move out of the house and have your own place? it is prob unbearable living at home. but if you have to stay there here's what i'd do:
avoid being at home as much as you can.
absolutely try not to let your sister/uncle/mom push your buttons. a way to do this effectively is to respond to anything they say with this-"i'm sorry you feel that way." if they do try "button pushing" again, and they will, repeat "i'm sorry you feel that way", etc. this way you are taking away their power. u're not engaging with responses other than the repetitive one i'm suggesting. you're not trying for family to understand you cuz they won't, distressed.
their behavior is disfunctional. you will not "win" by responding and getting upset because of it. that is their "pay-off".
it was explained to me like this in therapy-you are "tossing the basketball back to them" when you keep saying that same thing. it will drive them crazy cause they get so frustrated that you don't give them the power. remove yourself from their presence if you can by saying, "perhaps when your behavior is more appropriate we can discuss this."
i've used this in the past with a verbally abusive husband. it really works but the key is don't buy into their comments/behaviors. repeat, repeat, repeat...good luck. you can do this.

[Sannah]

Distressed, I didn't say that your culture was abusive. What I'm saying is that when those at the top of the hierarchy are abusive, that the hierarchical culture doesn't support you stepping out of the hierarchy to fix things. It's like the important thing is for the hierarchy to stay intact and anyone's attempts at upsetting it are punished. I'm I making sense now?

So your protests about the abuse are falling out of line of the expectations of the hierarchy. People just focus on putting those at the bottom back in line. They aren't looking at what the real problem is or how to fix it or anything.

I'm not sure how much understanding that you will get from your uncle. Has he ever listened to you before?

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by madisgram

hi disressed, i believe your family chooses not to have the capacity to validate you and your feelings. trying to explain your position won't help either cuz they r what they are. my family was/is the same way. in therapy i learned what this all was-invalidation.
can you move out of the house and have your own place? it is prob unbearable living at home. but if you have to stay there here's what i'd do:
avoid being at home as much as you can.
absolutely try not to let your sister/uncle/mom push your buttons. a way to do this effectively is to respond to anything they say with this-"i'm sorry you feel that way." if they do try "button pushing" again, and they will, repeat "i'm sorry you feel that way", etc. this way you are taking away their power. u're not engaging with responses other than the repetitive one i'm suggesting. you're not trying for family to understand you cuz they won't, distressed.
their behavior is disfunctional. you will not "win" by responding and getting upset because of it. that is their "pay-off".
it was explained to me like this in therapy-you are "tossing the basketball back to them" when you keep saying that same thing. it will drive them crazy cause they get so frustrated that you don't give them the power. remove yourself from their presence if you can by saying, "perhaps when your behavior is more appropriate we can discuss this."
i've used this in the past with a verbally abusive husband. it really works but the key is don't buy into their comments/behaviors. repeat, repeat, repeat...good luck. you can do this.

Thanks so much for this suggestion, it totally makes sense! I do have another thing with this though, in this case, I had three people with me, my sister instigating everything/everyone, my uncle, my mom. In this case, if i were to say I'm sorry you feel that way, my uncle would pounce on me and say "sam that was so wrong, your sister is being so caring and you're behaving this way..." He doesn't know what she does that is bad, he only knows what she's telling him. In this case, do i need to defend myself? because when i told him, she didn't even get me anything for my brithday, he told her that was very wrong but then she turned it back with but i gave her diamond earings and i said that's two years back!

and it sort of went back and forth from there.

The reason I try to defend myself is because i dont feel my uncle really has a very clear picture of whats happened in the past and if i let her speak, he'll think I'm accepting I'm wrong.

And if i say "i'm sorry you feel that way" (which i'd have to say like 6 times with my sister, coz she dooesn't get boundries), I'd have to walk out, and madisgram, EVERY time i've walked out from a situation, EVERYONE follows me and starts accusing me of throwing a tantrum, when i'm only avoiding the situation and trying to gain back my mental peace!! Then everyone sits and says "omg she's so stuck up. she has an attitude problem, etc etc".

I think your suggestion does work perfectly when you're just with one person though and thanks for giving me this suggestion, i will definitely be trying it out.

But, Do you think I should still continue with i'm sorry you feel that way in a group and let my uncle think I'm accepting I'm wrong?

This situation also triggered a very strong memory in my head that I just realized. My sister used to get my SA to yell at me, she'd always go crying to him about whatever I had done (which was always in response to her abusing me), and how everyone would get on her side and I'd be alone trying to defend myself as a child ( i just realized this today morning).

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Distressed, I didn't say that your culture was abusive. What I'm saying is that when those at the top of the hierarchy are abusive, that the hierarchical culture doesn't support you stepping out of the hierarchy to fix things. It's like the important thing is for the hierarchy to stay intact and anyone's attempts at upsetting it are punished. I'm I making sense now?

So your protests about the abuse are falling out of line of the expectations of the hierarchy. People just focus on putting those at the bottom back in line. They aren't looking at what the real problem is or how to fix it or anything.

I'm not sure how much understanding that you will get from your uncle. Has he ever listened to you before?

Hey sannah, Yes i totally get your point, thanks for expanding on it for me. Maybe it is a cultural thing but I'm not so sure as i've spent most of my life in US... about my uncle, I think he just responds to what he's being shown at the moment. And my sister is VERY good at turning things around and throwing them back at me. i dont know how she does it but whenever i respond with something and everyone gets at her, she succeeds well in throwing it back at me and keeping it there so everyone is yelling and shouting at me.

With my uncle, it was sort of like ping pong until it reached a place where the blame stayed on me and thats when I reacted with loads of anger, later I realized that the situation reminded me of times during my childhood when my sister woudl get my SA to abuse me and everyone would turn against me.

Anyway, so back to the uncle. He did say it was very wrong of my sister to keep the pedophile in her house and he called her and asked her why she was doing it, thats really when my sister told the SA he couldn't stay there anymore. Before that point, my mom and I had been saying that to her but she wouldn't listen.

I think deep down, my sister is very concerned about carrying an "image". So when she realized my uncle knew, she understood she'd look bad and quickly took action. But the thing is she also told my SA that she would stay neutral. Which really bugged me. I also don't trust her when she comes and says to me she stood up for me. Her exact words were, I told him you have to leave because she's my sister but i'm still going to be neutral. She also said she wanted him to speak out that he molested me. And i'm jsut like why?? how is this any of your business or your place to do this? she then came home and grilled me with questions about the abuse and whenever i said i dont want to talk about this, shed say BUT when he does a case on you there will be lawyers there sam, how will you prove this?? they'll ask you all this. then my mom says, yes we're just trying to help (under the influence of my sister ofcourse). at that time i fell for it, later i regretted it and hated myself for not seeing her tactic right there.. she was testing me.

I really cannot stand her no more. do you think I should cut her off completely, as in, not call on birthdays and holidays?

I'm sorry I wrote so much, I've been thinking about this all morning now.

[Distressed2010]

And when my uncle said "you need to keep her in control (referring to me)". I really hated him that moment. That's what I've been told ALL my life. The ones that abuse are fine but the victim should be under control. That comment has stuck to my head like glue.

[Sannah]

I don't think that you are going to get these people to behave correctly. My suggestion is to see them for who they are and protect yourself from them. Don't get drawn into debates with them. You can't win with crazy.