Rewriting the past....(trigger)

I was born into a wonderful loving family, with a mother that would have laid
down her life for me and a ever-present father who was immensely devoted to his
family. I was brought home from the hospital, wrapped in a beautiful pink
blanket that my mother had lovingly made for me, and introduced to my two older
brothers who thought the sun rose and set in me. Toddlerhood was a whirlwind
of exciting experiences, the magic and innocence of childhood, and the warm
love of a close family. My first memory, of course, is my mother cuddling me
on her lap and whispering in my ear how much she loved me. She always smelled
like fresh baked cookies, I recall. There were never cross words in my home
and discipline was always fair and lovingly administered. No violence ever
crossed our doorstep.
Holidays were the highlight of the year. We were a most festive family and the
holiday season only magnified the love that existed year round. I recall huge
dinners with extended family, a beautiful christmas tree, gorgeous lights,
sounds and smells.
My school years were happy and fun. I was one of the popular ones, the golden
ones. Everyone loved me and I was blessed with many friends. I made A' s in
all of my classes and graduated at the top of my class. Free time was spent
surrounded by a circle of good friends enjoying the company of each other.
There was no need for drugs or alcohol, I was high on life.
And I grew up healthy and happy...

The reality....
Mom couldn't have cared less and Dad was never there. I don't recall my mother
ever cuddling me as a child. My real first memory is one of pain and
confusion. Fresh baked cookies were never smelled in our home. Screaming was
a regular occurence and the slightest infarction of the 'rules' brought down
the mighty hand of physical punishment. Belts, hairbrushes, tree branches,
anything that could be gotten ahold of at the moment became instruments of
discipline.
Holidays were not celebrated in our home. We belonged to a very strict church
that didn't believe in holidays. School parties at school meant that I would
be sent home before the parties began. I would arrive home crying and would
immediately be beaten for crying about it. "If you're gonna cry, I'm gonna
give you something to cry about." We lived across from the elementary school
and I recall sitting in the window sobbing, watching all the other kids having
an easter egg hunt when I was in the first grade. We never had a christmas
tree until I was 12, I never had a stocking or a wrapped gift until I was 12, I
never went trick or treating, and I never had an easter basket.
School was torture for me. I had no friends, at least until I got a little
older and joined the bad crowd. I never really fit in with them either. I got
picked on constantly in school. I made straight F's, even though I knew the
material, because I wouldn't do the work. Mom wouldn't send lunch money for me
and wouldn't send lunch with me. (Don't know why that sticks out in my mind) I
wasn't allowed to participate in extra-curricular activities, except band.
Once I was old enough to get out of the house on my own, I stayed high for
years. I don't recall details of most of my teenage years, actually most of my
life. College was not even thought of in my family. We just didn't do things
like succeed. Sexually, right from the start, I always knew more than anyone
else. And why not, it had been a part of my life from toddlerhood, forced and
willingly. I didn't graduate high school and dropped out in the 11th grade.

And I grew up to be me.

I think I'd rather recall the first version.

I hope that you are safe and that you are taking care of yourself.
Sorry this happened to you growing up.

It's terrible when our dreams are shattered. I'm sorry that your family life was so terrible. I know that it's hard growing up like that. Growing up for me was confusing. Like up until the time my parents separated and divorced, my family was much like your first story. Then my mom took me away from my dad into a world full of drug addicts, alcoholics, abuse, fighting, you name it, it was present. I hated it. Actually, when she took me away from my perfect father, my perfect life, I had not known what pain was, what hurt was, what violence was. I hate her for that. But, life goes on and I learned how to survive in that violent life...hiding from it all. I hid everytime there was a fight or loud noises or any of that. I guess you could say I'm still hiding.

I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. You are a good person and you deserve all the love of the world and all the kindness that anyone can possibly give.

You know there is something to be said for this . . . I have a sister who is not related to me at all that we know of, but she's has been in my corner, and has traveled thousands of miles to come and fight for me when I couldn't. One day, when things were really, really ugly she had me do something similar to re-writing the past;

She told me to imagine a day when I was 10 and she was 12, taking care to think of every bit of the day, every detail. Make sure I visuallized it down to the last detail so that it feels like I was there, like I'd lived every second of it.

Now, when things get really dark, I remember that day, and life is so much better for having remembered. Self defense takes many, many different forms, and re-writing memories can be a very powerful self defense tactic.

Twighlight, I was reading your post, and I realized how thoughtful, creative, and clever it was. You expressed the feelings you feel, felt, and wished you felt. Your very intelligent.
I'm sorry this happened to you in your past. But it is now the past, it's only you for the future. Nobody, not your parents, mean kids from school, church, whatever it was that had controll over you can keep you hostage anymore. Only you can keep yourself hostage from living a happy and productive life. You determine your future.
I think your quite clever, and I believe you will do well with your future. Don't let your past swallow you up. You can do anything you want now.
I hope you feel better, don't be so hard on yourself.
Desirae

I am so sorry about what you lived through when you were so young. Somehow you can visualize what you would life to be. It is never too late as you can make the future what you want. Maybe you can make your children that perfect home. Please try and follow your dreams and not the destructive path from which you came. You come across as a very caring person which many can not claim. Recognize that and start making your life what you want to be.

Something I just thought of, rewrite the past ONLY after you have learned from it. Case in point, my life;

I was abused as a child, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically. Endless, unwarranted abuse because my father wanted a boy first and got a daughter instead. I was a constant source of disappointment, a living accusation that he'd done something wrong and so, nothing I could even do was good enough, fast enough and so on . . .

I made my way to a life without him, goals, plans, steps I was taking to build a better future without him. I was in good shape, put myself through school, supported myself for years alone and so on. I was in pretty good shape.

There is an old wives tale that says in any given group, boys will grow up to marry thier mothers, and girls will grow up to marry thier fathers. Regrettably, not having learned vital lessons from the years of abuse at my fathers hands, I fell in love with and married a wonderful guy just like my dad. The only difference? My Husband abused me sexually too . . .

Re-write the past? Yes, without question, a powerful healing tool, but ONLY when you have learned how to avoid the same traps in the future. I lost ten years of my life to Earl, ten years I'll never get back. I lost a great deal more than that too . . . It's going to be years before I can ever get close to anyone, and I don't know that I'll EVER feel safe around a man again . . . SO Earl's lasting damage promises to rob another ten years from me. I'm 41 now, a decade from now I'll be 51, any chance of having a "normal" family, children, grand children and a house full of love gone. So please, yes, learn then re-write . . .

All of my life, that is up till I was in my mid 40's, I would always recall or chat with friends that I had the best childhood ever. I was never spanked, as I was "the perfect" child. I did at times get jealous of my friends when they'd talk about their fav toy or dress, and they would remember all the details as to the color, and texture and feelings related to whatever they were talking about. I wasn't able to do that and I didn't realize the memories I had were all focused on one topic, and that was wintertime and sledding and building snowmen. Winter seemed to be my "whole childhood". But, I was very content and satisfied that I had a wonderful childhood. Although, as an adult, I always felt so dirty, and this scummy feeling over my body, and didn't like to sit next to anyone because I knew they would smell me or if they touched me they'd get sick. So I would just add a few more splashes of perfume or take several showers a day. Come to think of it, I do believe folks could smell me a mile away with all that perfume .. lol.

And then in my mid' 40's my whole world was shattered in therapy. We must get to the "root" of the problem, I still can hear the T saying over and over again.... I hate those words, to this very day....Anyway, I had to ask my brothers and sis what our childhood was like because the T wasn't content with my "happy memories".. And lil by lil things were uncovered that shattered me and left me feeling so confused. My happy childhood was now contaminated with ugly, dirty, secrets. I was pissed... How dare the T do this to me.. What is the purpose of this??? Was the T's intent to destroy me more??. Childhood was not an issue that I needed to bring to the table of therapy. When 2 and 2 doesn't add up to 4, what is the big deal. I still feel resentment and anger with these issues being uncovered. I just don't understand why one would want to "crash" a happy childhood.. Being real or not.. The only thing I hung dearly to was those happy times...Funny how the mind works.. But I somehow won't let the "bad things" touch or get close to the "happy times".. Is like looking out my left eye and the not so good things I see, and looking out the right eye, are the happy times.. I can see two kids.. "the one hiding" and dirty.. and the happy child sledding down huge slopes and laughening.. The power of the mind.. wow..