Naming and acknowledging

How do I move past feeling that what happened to me as a child was my fault to recognising it as abuse?
It's not like there was any physical or sexual abuse. My parents had their own issues, and replayed a lot of their own problems on me and (to a lesser extent) my brother. My mum was disowned by her parents. I grew up with the knowledge and the threat that she would leave us. I was the one who had to make things OK at home so she would stay, but all the time I was growing up I knew I was to blame for her unhappiness. Right down to the fact that her father disowned her when she got pregnant with me very soon after they married. That is a BIG issue for me. That conviction that, if it hadn't been for my existence, things could have been so different for my parents. Then there was the whole need to prove myself, to excel all the time. Any mistakes, and faults, were instantly identified. I don't remember being praised. But it doesn't feel like I was abused, just that I was a bad kid and made things tough for them. Emotionally I was abandoned, but materially I was provided for. I know otheres had it so much worse and that in a way makes it harder. I can't blame my parents so it must be my fault.
C

if you weren't abused its not right for people to force you to say you have been.

Just a curious question - If you weren't abused how did you become DID? I'm curious because I have read on other websites about this happening but no one can give me any resourses where I can learn about this. My mother has been wondering if she may have passed a gene of some kind to me to make me the way I am. All my resourses and connections say its not hereditary but abuse related. So now I am wondering how it happens with out abuse.

That sure sounds like abuse to me. I don't think any of this was your fault at all. It was up to your mother to stay, not up to you. You didn't have to make everything ok just so she'd stay, that's just what you were led to believe.

My mom was a very cold person (emotionally). She didn't show them at all or even help us with our emotional distress. It was really terrible. We weren't applauded for our efferts and never knew how she felt. We really had to guess at that one. Mom was always buying us stuff, though. Never an emotion came from her, but the gifts did. I guess that's the only way she knew how to express herself...with gifts.

If your parents weren't to blame, who was? Who was the adult in the situation? You were just a kid! That's the same mentality that many abusers use. Oh, she asked me to, so I did it. It's like they can't be responsible for their own actions! Let your parents be responsible for themselves!

Some might suggest that it is neither yours nor your parents fault. I not sure whether that is a cop out or not, but if your parents did not deliberately hurt you it can be very difficult to say they were abusive. In my case I believe my parents did the best they could raising me, though it wasn't enough. I have the right to be angry at my parents for that lack, but I don't consider it abuse. I'm not sure if that is a healthy response or not, but it is an idea.

I just wanted to say I am sorry you had to go through that. ((((Caroline))))

Thanks for the response, myself.

It's other people who are telling me I was abused. I don't want, somewhere inside, to give it that name, although if I saw a child going through what I did that word would come to mind.
How I became DID... I don't have a diagnosis. Some of the symptoms fit, some don't, and nobody has ever assessed me with that in mind. But I guess I would say that I learnt to dissociate to some extent to block out the huge emotional pain and pressure. I can first recall doing it at age 17, quite dramatically. Since then the full, conscious dissociation has been less frequent than others describe.
Hope this helps.
C

Thank you Lexicon
That's what others tell me. Your childhood sounds a lot like mine.
((((Lex))))

Caroline

thank you light and dark.
I don't know either. I know my parents didn't intend to mess me up, but I know they did things which were wrong and which were not the sort of things a child my age should take responsibility for. My parents are both monipulative and I allowed myself to be manipulated, I guess.
C

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Caroline said:I can't blame my parents so it must be my fault.
C

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Caroline -- those are NOT the only two options... It is NOT your fault. Not sure any of us can convince you of that if you can't see it for yourself, but come on... if I told this story and you read it, what would you tell me? That it IS my fault? Surely you wouldn't blame a child for something like that -- so why are you blaming your child self? Be fair and kind to yourself....

(( Caroline ))

thank you LMo
The reason I use those words, those explanations, is that theyw ere the ones given ot me and I am finding it hard to unlearn the script.

Thanks. for telling more about you and your dissociative symptoms. It helps alot.

yw myself.

See, my most severe dissociation is almost a deliberate response to too much pressure. First I cry. Then I look anywhere except at people. Then I start to rock. Then I may close my eyes or repeat a phrase over and over to myself ("Nothing. I am nothing" is one I remember from way back). In that state it is like I am floating and nothing outside can touch me. I can choose not to hear what is going on around me, and if I have my eyes closed I don't see it either. It's really really hard for anyone to get me back out of this, but the thing that usually reaches me is touch. After that I am pretty much a wreck for a while.

The other form of dissociation is a much milder one. Again it is triggered by emotions - anger in others turns me into alice, the crying child; emergencies - or the needs of others - into elsie, the coper. Not yet figured the others out; shula doesn't come out in public really, though maybe the dissociation I have described here is more alice regressing to baby. That old thing aobut if I hide my eyes nobody can see me, no-one can see me under the table. Know what I mean?

Hmmm I may print this out to take to the hospital next week. Certainly pass it on to my counsellor.

Caroline

yea it make sense.

I disoociate to this extent and then some. the area you discribe of floating and no one can get to me is what I call my tunnel area. Its between the here and now and my la la land.

I start out in the here and now and then when something happens - could be someone yelling at me, smelling a certain mens calogne, beer,( I have many triggers), the static in my head gets louder and so I turn on music in my head usually the song 'till I gain control again by crystal gayle.

At the time when the static gets loud then things start getting blurry, and I feel floaty and far away and everything I see looks kind of like looking in the wrong side of a pair of binocculars.

then I look behind me where the music is and sort of see a mix of colors -whitish silver, reds blues purples yellows and I just float on through that and Im in my la la land. When I am in la la land I know nothing of the real world its just me and floating musical clouds and grass a tree and I sit there iether floating in the clouds or sitting under the tree watching crystal gayle, loretta lynn, Tammy Wynette and so on singing my favorite songs until I fall asleep.

When I wake up time has gone by, and I find out I have acted out a part of a memory that has been stored in my brain as Darlene, Sunny and so on by drawing, writing, cleaning whatever that memory content contains.

With me no one can get me out of them basically the memory piece has to run its course through until I've reached the end of that trigger point and I "wake up" on my own. That takes me sometimes minutes other times days. At one point I lost 9 months where to me floating in la la land it didn't seem like only a few songs had played but when I woke I found months had passed. To this day I only know what happened during that time from the words of one of my therapists and my best friend who knows I have DID.

I call it melting. I melt into things...generally carpet or floor. This I can do on my own, but am sometimes pulled to do it when I don't want to. There are other times that are quick, and I don't experience the melting...that's usually when I don't remember, but not always.

Caroline, I think it's a good idea to print this out. I think it's great that you recognize the process. This took me years to recognize, then name.

You've come so far and are doing such hard work. Amazing lady you are.

KD

thats cool kimmydawn. I have a real world friend that also uses carpeting (actually its the designs in the carpeting) that she uses as a focus point.

And caroline I agree with you about printing the thread off. I share my threads and posts with my therapist from time to time and it really helps.

I can relate. My T tried to call my parents abusive. I agree with the emotional/verbal abuse part. However, I do think that they did the best they could. I think they meant no harm. However, sometimes parents will abuse their kid(s) without meaning to harm the kid in anyway. Sometimes the parents just have issues of their own that interfere with their ability to parent their kids. This is where I have a problem in labeling it abuse because abuse means that the parents deliberately did something wrong in my mind But, I doubt that my T would think that the parents deliberately did anything wrong. She probably defines abuse in a different way than I do. I suspect that she would believe me when I say they did the best they could. They just criticized me alot and used physical forms of punishment. She would probably point out that the effect on the child is similar regardless of whether the parent intended harm or did it because of a mental illness of their own. So, I suspect that you might have the same problem I do in that I feel that by labeling my childhood as an abusive childhood, I am in some way blaming my parents. I suspect that my T and other Ts would state that a parent can do the best they can at raising their kids and still be abusive due to their own dysfunction

Thank you, hopefull. This really helped me to look at the whole issue from another perspective. Your idea that Ts and patients may view "abuse" differently made a lot of sense.

Kimmy, I have left replying to this for a while because I find your compliments (not just yours, anyone's) so hard to accept. But I thank you for them; I think I need to keep trying to accept them.

Melting is a good description.

I have sent this to my friend who will come with me to the hospital again. That was hard to do, because I haven't talked about the DID aspects at all. I also sent it to my counsellor. Now I am fighting the negative thoughts as neither of them has responded. I know there are good reasons for them not to respond, but still...

Thank you for your response. I found it helpful to realise that you too have some dissociative episodes you do remember and others you don't.

Thanks, myself. As I said to kimmy, I have emailed this to my counsellor and to my friend who will come to the hospital with me.