[sebago_frye]

My wife was sexually abused by her grandfather multiple times. This makes intimacy challeging at best. I seem to hit triggers all the time not knowing where or what they are. I love her deeply, and have been married for 25 years and intend on staying that way. I am Bipolar, or so they say so we make a very interesting couple to say the least. We have approached many problems in life with humor ( you have to laugh at yourself ) but lately I notice my wife really struggling. I know some recent stress is triggering some flashbacks ( her father dying of cancer ), is there anything I can do to help her, or should I not "push the issue. I require a lot of emotional support from her to get through my issues, should I back off and look elsewhere? My wife is the one in her family that everone looks to solve things ( 4 siblings that are helpless ). Should I tell them to grow up!. I'm afraid she will finally "break". She puts up a good front, but I know this is triggering all kinds of memories that I can't begin to understand. Help

[Serenity]

I want to wait and think first before I "really" reply but I have to say....the love you express and show for your wife in your caring words really touched me sebago...wow...Its a rare and wonderful thing.
Ill reply again later maybe with helpful thoughts
{{{{Sebago}}}and welcome
Serenity

[PlanningtoLive]

Welcome to the boards.

Serenity is right - to see such love and devotion is very refreshing in this world. I wish you both years of more happiness.

I would think that you could find time to sit down with your wife and try to get her to open up to you and discuss how she is feeling about everything. If you take each problem individually and try to offer solutions, it won't seem so overwhelming and she will realize how supportive you are.

To have everything and everyone come to you with problems can be very stressful. Add the flashbacks and you have many internal feelings. She may be feeling like she can't cope with it all but doesn't want to burden you with it.

Hopefully she will open up to you if you talk to her.

Mary Alice

[sebago_frye]

Do I really want to stir up these emotions now? She plays her cards very close to her chest, and getting her to open up is a real task. She doesn't want to "burden" anyone else. This drives me crazy. Stiff upper lip and all that crap. I think if she lets go , she is afraid she will lose control, which makes sense in a way, but it make it hard for those who want to help.

[PlanningtoLive]

My therapist loves to tell me that if I don't acknowledge my feelings they will build up to a point of exploding. Sort of like a boiling pot - the key is to take the lid off a little at a time to let some of the steam escape.

If she is holding all these emotions in, eventually she will over load - I know this from past and current issues. It is very hard to talk about things - much easier to just "carry on".

Try to get your wife to talk about things a little at a time - empathize with her feelings and relay them back to her, like "I bet these memories are bringing up some old feelings, aren't they?" Even if she just answers "yes", at least you have your foot in the door. If you continue to do this, she may very well begin to go into more detail with you.

You lose nothing by trying - in fact, it shows how very much you care about her feelings.

My therapist is the only one I talk to, other than the people here. I am not able to talk to my husband.

Mary Alice

[jennie]

i've been having a hard time with flashbacks and memories of my rapes. my husband is very supportive by "being there" for me. he offers me hugs and cuddles with me throughout the week. she my try to isolate but keep offering your love to her. it's therapeutic for you too. ((((Huggs))))

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

[sebago_frye]

Boy I wish it was that easy. Hugs are a hard thing for her. You have to plant a peck and retreat. She does not like being ...... I'm searching for the right word, confined or restrained is the best I can do. I LOVE to give hugs, so this is a problem for me.

[Serenity]

It's really interesting to read about this from the "outside"(someone else's point of view). I've dealt with several abuse situations since I was a child and know how I "handle" it and get by.
I too do NOT like to open up about it. Ina very close situation I will let the other peerson at least know of the events so maybe they arent totally confused by some of my responses...but to actually talk about them....rare if ever. It maybe isn't so much that I dont want to "burden" them...buut Ive spent all my life pushing them to the back of my head to get by. I do agree with your statement "I think if she lets go, she is afraid she will lose control..." That's very true...whenever these emotions come to the forefront I have a horrible time...its very difficult to deal with and I do my damndest to push them back again.
It may sound cold....but talking doesnt help!(not in my case) It just makes it more vivid and painful and the only way that would ever help is if they never happened. I know I'll have a billion people disagree with me there...but it's how "I" feel.
I know it doesnt really help....but maybe a little more understanding what she "may" feel or think does.
Do keep being loving and showing her you care...that reassurance is extremely important. It sounds liek you've been together a long time....but don't think you can't still make progress in helping her deal with her own feelings.
I wish you luck,seb, it sounds like you have a good marriage with afew hard spots but i have faith it can be overcome.
Serenity

[janesgang]

You've gotten a lot a good advice from some of the most caring people I've ever come in contact with. I don't get to the site often, but when I do these folks really help. What I want to speak to is the sitiuation with the siblings. Like your wife, I'm a survivor, too. I think most of us end up being overly responsible for everyone and everything. One of the most meaningful and appreciated things that my husband ever did for me was to tell my family during one of my bad patches that I was just too fragile to be able to help them out for a while and that all my energy needed to be focused inwardly. Since my family all know that I'm in therapy (but not exactly why) they backed off a little, and when they didn't my husband ran interferance for me. I felt so cared for that there was someone who put me first and made sure that others gave me my space. My family can be pretty demanding, and Mom got sulky that I wasn't "on call" like always, but after I was feeling stronger I was better able to deal with her and not go on such a guilt trip about it. So maybe that would help your wife, too. Keep some of the wolves away from the door so that she has the time to process and heal.
--Jane

Keep walking past the open windows.

[jennie]

try cuddling up next to the SIDE of her. that way, most of her body is free. try putting pillows around her and giving her a blanket to cuddle with. layers between you and her will help her feel more safe.

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

[sebago_frye]

Thanks! sounds exactly like our situation, as much as that sucks. I'll just keep the door open hoping someday she will come through it. She is very much worth the effort. It does take a toll on me, I just need to find that balance