[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I hate it, I get triggered so easily and here comes a big trigger for the night. I wouldn't say I get triggered easily but I do get triggered easily by certain things and men who remind me of my abusers that will not take the word no seriously really really freak me out. They don't get it. I will have a full blown anxiety attack if he comes near me.

But I'm at work. He's not really doing anything technically wrong. But I cringe, I panic, I freeze up when men make advances at me. I want to scream and run. It's been my experience that when you tell a man no, he's going to do it anyway. I'm afraid to say no. But I do.

I'm at work and he keeps asking me out. Keeps asking me to marry him. Keeps asking for a hug. Keeps talking to me and tonight I am alone. No other employees will be working with me until 11 pm. I thought this man was leaving already but he will be here for the remainder of the night. He's such a creep.

One of those men who you know would be talking to me this way even if I was 9... They make me feel like that child again. The one who kept getting hurt. I don't know what to do. He's about to walk back through the door and talk to me. I just want to run and hide.

I'd rather be left alone than deal with a man who wants to ask me on a date. I'd rather be single my whole life than to be hit on by anyone... I get so worried. I will be looking over my shoulder and fighting off an anxiety attack all night...

Why do those kind of men have to be such creeps and even more so why do those creeps seem to be drawn to me?

[Open Eyes]

((((PurpleFlyingMonkeys)))))

Hey, I am sorry your being bothered by this creepy guy. Often that happens because you are not showing interest and yet somehow you may be acting polite as not to cause trouble. So this guy is getting mixed messages. You have to be firm and simply tell him flat out that you are in no way interested and to stop bothering you.
You are simply going to have to stand up and be firm purple, I know it is hard but you have to find strength and each time you do, you will get stronger about it.

If this guy keeps bothering you in a creepy way, tell management about it. You deserve to go to work and not have to worry about some creepy guy.

I have to be honest with you, certain guys creep me out too, so I know the feeling.
Your always going to have some kind of hypervigilizam about that, but that is not always a bad thing you know. If your gut tells you a man is creepy listen to it and make sure that person stays away from you.

Get through the night and let us know you got through it and are safe ok?

Open Eyes

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm gonna be on pc all night more than likely until I leave. He's got me in a very uncomfortable state right now. Really edgy and uncomfortable. It couldn't be happening at a worst time. Seems like triggers are everywhere lately. Ugh.

You're right I do need to stand up for myself in a more serious tone. I do tell him no with a small forced smile trying to do my job. Be courteous and don't make the guest feel they are not welcome. But he is not welcome in that way. He does not need to touch me, I have a rather large desk I stand behind that helps me to feel safe, far away from their touch. But he reaches over the desk. He pokes, he touches my hands... He is a CREEP and it's really getting to me. The creeps always do. They always really freak me out. And here he is again. I wish he would just leave already....

There are regulars here. A lot of older men who remind me of this same man and they wont stop either. They always come here. I've stood up to a couple and they seemed to get the hint for a day or two but when they come back they are right back to their games and it's getting old. I really need to be out of customer service. Perhaps I should be a telemarketer.

[pbutton]

Wow, you do such an excellent job of explaining the creepy feeling. I am so sorry you are suffering.

You are correct. He does not need to touch you.

[Sannah]

Yeah, if you could just get empowered and look them in the eye with all that power and tell them "NO, get away from me"! They can probably sense your fear and think that they can work it to their advantage? Anger has power. Do you have any of that around to empower you?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you for your replies. I don't know how to feel empowered. I sit behind a desk doing nearly everything the guests ask me to do, I get yelled at all the time from them and the only thing I can do in response to harsh attacks like "That phone was worth more than you make in a week!" with a "I'm so sorry that happened". Any request other than illegal requests made by the guests have to be met. My job stinks and everything I do gets critisized by the managers even though I'm doing their job.

I guess I'm just a coward, I should have enough self respect to be empowered enough by that to say no in a firm strong voice, but I'm a coward and clam up when they make a move and it's so hard to force a small no out, saying it any louder would be darn near impossible but you're right it seems like that would be the only way to stop them...

This place stinks. Those men stink. Speaking to women in that tone should be enough to pepper spray them, perhaps that's all I need to feel safe, a can of pepper spray.

[Gr3tta]

I have a lot of trouble figuring out how to handle certain situations at work too. I'm never sure when I'm overreacting, and when I'm standing up for myself. My best advice would be to really know the guidelines for your job well. If it's in your job description, do your best to complete the task, but if it's not, you should be able to say that you're sorry, but you're unable to help them with that. And if it makes you feel unsafe, just don't do it.
It's really hard for me to make those judgement calls though.

[Sannah]

PFM, can you enter a "professional zone" while you are dealing with the guests at work? I always did this. I was in my work role and I kept it seperate from my personal feelings. You are right, your job is to satisfy your customers. It is hard to deal with angry people. I did learn how to do it. I learned by figuring out what scared me about angry people and worked on that. Now I get calm when others are angry. (I worked on making myself relax in the response to it and now it is a reflex).

There are valid reasons why you feel too weak to say no. If you were abused, you probably get triggered back in time and your feelings of powerlessness come back full force. When I got triggered I would tell myself in that moment that the feelings are from long ago and today is a different time and I am safe. It also helps to work through those past incidences that get triggered up in therapy.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I don't really know what my limits are here with what is required of me and what is not. It seems that I do everyones job but get paid very very little. I have to stand up when management does not want to. When they are sure that what they are going to say will upset the guest, they send me out to do it. Because they feel like I am best equipped to do so, I am the one who can hold back from yelling back at the guest when they are upset. I am the one who continues to apologize and never once says anything harsh to the guest. I do this because I do become afraid when they hit that level of anger. I do as it was said, feel like that little child again when any man talks down to me and when they make passes at me. It terrifies me. But they push me into it every time anyone is upset, it's not my job. I'm not getting paid manager or even getting the title manager. But when a guest asks to speak to a manager, I go to them. They tell me what to tell the guest and they send me back out and never come up here to deal with it. So I'm sure they will do nothing about my comfort level. I've been letting this job eat away at me for too long, in less than a month I will at the very least be able to get unemployment if I can not find a job, I can't let it break me down any more than it has. I can't let these creeps keep bugging me out. It's just not a good environment at all for me.

[madisgram]

I'm at work and he keeps asking me out. Keeps asking me to marry him. Keeps asking for a hug. Keeps talking to me and tonight I am alone.

pfm, i had the same feelings as you after i got away finally from my abuser. men triggered me even if they weren't invading my space. i was paralyzed with fear. giant panic attacks. needed help for this. took this to my T. we delved into ways for me to acknowlege my fears, do a mental check-am i safe-yes, then nothing to worry about. if no i'm not safe remove myself from this person. (in your case not as easy however.) slowly desensitized myself to a large degree but sadly can't let go of fearing i would make the same mistake again. T told me abusers can pick us up in a crowded room with a neon sign on our forwards, "pick me, i'm vulnerable." still working on how to change that. have learned boundary setting. helps a lot.
which brings me to you...tell management. they are required to stop this. if they don't do it they are violating the law. it's sexual harressment plain and simple. they are held accountable to fix this. do look in the meantime for other employment. and set your boundary with this person. "it's not acceptable to me for you to harrass me or approach me in this manner." be firm even tho you may be scared. don't get into a conversation with him re this boundary. advise him you'll take it to HR if he continues. then take it to HR if he continues and file a formal complaint with them. keep a copy in case you have to go up the food chain.
you nor anyone else has to put up with this. emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse, imo. hope this helps.

[Sannah]

PFM, do you have a therapist? Talking about the incidents when you were young and letting the feelings out will help to stop the triggering up of these incidents. These stuffed feelings are ripe for being triggered. If you can unload them they can't be triggered up. Talking to a T about feeling like that little child again will help also. When you do feel like that little child you can tell yourself that this is being triggered up from the past and you are not really that little child anymore. It is just the triggered up feelings that make you feel that way.

Any chance you can take some kind of self defense class or martial arts?

And try to remember that people get mad at customer service all the time over the littlest things so it isn't as sinister as it feels. They are just irritated and their anger belongs to them. It isn't really about you.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thanks for the reply! I don't currently have a t but am looking for one atm. I guess that's why it's so hard right now. I am seeing more and more how much my childhood has a role in my current life. I used to think that because my emotions were somehow blocked from my childhood that I was unharmed by the abuse. But that is far from the truth. Everything about me is a result of my childhood. And it wasn't a pleasant childhood in the least so it makes sense that my mind isn't in the best shape right now. It seems that when I am put in certain situations it brings me back to the child like state. Something I really need to work on or it could cause even more damage if I don't learn to manage properly. But why should I have to do so much work to fix something that I did not break? It doesn't seem fair that we have to endure so much as children only to have to relive it with other obstacles as adults, when do the abusers get their time to pay for what they did since we still have to pay for their decisions? I guess it's another unanswered question about child abuse, there are far too many of those!

[Sannah]

Abusers are miserable too, and wretched.

I don't think too much about what is fair. It doesn't get me very far.

Our childhoods are very important. We are born knowing nothing. We have to learn everything and when that learning is in a dysfunctional environment we have fixing to do. I had a lot to fix. I have a very rich life now, a part of that being from the examination I have had to do.

I'm glad that you are looking into therapy. You seem like you will progress quickly because of your ability to look at things.

Please keep us posted?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm glad you have a good life now, I thought many times that it was right in front of me. I felt the "happiness" and "normalcy" within my reach but have never been able to reach it yet. I guess I wont until I stop ignoring the problems I'm too afraid to face... It happened once already, I shouldn't have to relive it, rehash all the old memories and all the old scars. I'm alive, I'm as well as I may ever be... I just find it hard to want to dig deeper when I know what I'm going to see I wont like. Ignorance is bliss right? Unfortunately not everyone can live life that way

[geez]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

But why should I have to do so much work to fix something that I did not break? It doesn't seem fair that we have to endure so much as children only to have to relive it with other obstacles as adults, when do the abusers get their time to pay for what they did since we still have to pay for their decisions? I guess it's another unanswered question about child abuse, there are far too many of those!

You took the words right out of my mouth! Thank you for posting that.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I guess I wont until I stop ignoring the problems I'm too afraid to face...

It happened once already, I shouldn't have to relive it, rehash all the old memories and all the old scars.

I just find it hard to want to dig deeper when I know what I'm going to see I wont like.

Ignorance is bliss right?

Ignorance isn't bliss in this case.

Getting better can have a bit of time when it isn't fun at all. You have to go through this to get to the other side, though. There are many people here who say it is worth it. Either stay where you are at, which gives you trouble, or push through some difficult time and then it will be much better on the other side.