[Girlio]

This may be a more appropriate forum for this topic. I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am learning to set boundaries in my adult life. My husband had an affair and has a history of being emotionally and physically abusive but we are repairing the marriage and there is no more emotional or physical abuse, however the problem is now in our sex life.

Ok, firstly I want to say that my husband and I have always had a very active and healthy sex life. I'm having a hard time being intimate with him. I love the man I married but lets admit it, I have a lot of resentment. Now he will stop by and just want to have sex. I think he feels it's the best way for us to connect. I will tell him no and I'm not in the mood (not that I don't give it up a lot) and he just ignores me and laughs it off and he will pull me literally with me fighting the whole time into the bedroom. It makes me mad. It makes me feel gross. I said no because I didn't want to. I'll always end up getting mad and just telling him fine just to hurry and I spitefully just lay there. It makes me hate him. The other day he tried to get me in there and I pushed back and was like NO I'm serious. He tried pushin me in the bedroom but finally he said he was just joking and he was tired too. Is this normal? Am I just being uptight?

[Sannah]

Hi, welcome to PC. He is pressuring you against your wishes. He is only thinking about himself and what you want doesn't seem to even enter his mind. This isn't a nuturing, respectful or loving relationship at all. You deserve better. Please respect your needs and wishes because if you don't no one else will either most likely. Keep us updated on how you are doing?

[Girlio]

Originally Posted by Sannah

He is pressuring you against your wishes. He is only thinking about himself and what you want doesn't seem to even enter his mind. This isn't a nuturing, respectful or loving relationship at all. You deserve better. Please respect your needs and wishes because if you don't no one else will either most likely. Keep us updated on how you are doing?

Honestly I feel SILLY even stating that I'm having this problem because in my heart and head I KNOW its not OK...I guess its good to have validation. Part of me was afraid of hearing the big word 'overreacting' which I am incredibly afraid of doing. Because I'm so afraid of that, I tend to set poor boundaries even though I think the word NO is a pretty firm boundary.

I know that the man I married my not be there anymore. It was five years of the most amazing marriage ever. Everything a marriage should be. And almost overnight it turned ugly. He has mental illness in his family. He is not...or, the man I married is not a monster...I hate the thought of turning my back on someone when I think they are ill but I can't compromise myself and my well being in the meantime.

I don't know what I'm going to do but honestly I would rather he just start punching me in the face again. That's so clear cut, right and wrong. The emotional abuse, this insidious, sneaky form of abuse that makes me feel like the one at fault is the most damaging. I feel like its his last chance at having control over me, which is so backwards. Why can't we go back to a level playing field where nobody has control over anyone like it should be? But he knows that if he is violent again he will lose me...I think this is his last stance...which is so sad to me. I wonder if he even realize he's doing it?

[Sannah]

So what are you going to do?

[Girlio]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So what are you going to do?

Well, I actually emailed my therapist yesterday. I kept thinking I would 'figure it out' but for me a lot of the time figuring it out turns into hoping it will resolve itself. We have an appointment tomorrow. She will help me come up with a plan. The thought of kneeing him in the balls crossed my mind last time, lol. Not funny, but...you know.

I'm afraid if I leave 'things' will get worse. We are separated right now. Live in separate apartments. That's a start, I suppose.

[Sannah]

How did your appt. go?

[nannypat]

I feel this is just another form of abuse. We hear a lot about the physical and emotional abuse in a domestic violent marriage, but little talk of the sexual abuse. I didn't even know there was such a term as marital rape until my therapist told me. I thought I was the one with something wrong with me that I didn't enjoy it. How can you enjoy being forced? If I wasn't married it would have been called rape. I just didn't know.

Please take care of you and no is no. I understand about just hit me and leave a mark instead. Then someone will know I hurt. With the sexual abuse no one knows until you tell. Safe hugs.

[geez]

No means no and his behavior is abusive.. - his just kidding sounds like he was testing you to see what you would do/say. Abuse is about control. Having said that it sounds like you may have a lot of anger not just with the bedroom but the fact that he cheated on you before.... did you ever process that anger from the past?

[likewater]

This happened to me in my second marriage. I was NEVER allowed to say no. Even with ribs separated from cartilage and kidney infections. I was r*ped and stalked after our separation. Now looking back it wasnt the only abuse. There was A LOT of emotional
abuse and threatening and fear and control and sneaky insidious manipulation. He played me like a violin. Leaving him was one the
best/ hardest things i've ever done.

[likewater]

((((Girlio)))) oh btw my ex was cheating on me like crazy too with strippers. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. He never even admitted it, but why else would he take $300 cash out of checking repeatedly, stay out til 4 am, and go to strip clubs with condoms in his pockets??? He said he didnt feel loved because i wasnt making him pies as much as i used to?? Wtf. I said idk they served baked goods at the strip club, " they have food," he replied. I cannot believe i married and worshipped this man. Idk if your situation is similar, but if it us, GET OUT!

[lynn P.]

Since you're separated, this usually means both shouldn't be having sex. If you're sure you don't want any part of this, you need to tell him firmly and even change the lock and don't answer when he comes. Even get a restraining order if you have too. You don't want to feel used and maybe he's having sex with other women - chance of STD's. This is your body and he needs to know you're dead serious.....not be cajoled into cooperating.

[likewater]

Girlio, i just reread your post. Stay separated. Your husband is and will always be an abuser. He punched you, raped you, cheated on you , and now he is playing mind games. PC rules dont allow me to use the language i' d like to use to describe your husband. I'm sure he is broken and emotionally damaged, but it's not your job to fix him. You can' t . In fact, by staying with him, you are just allowing him to indulge in his abusive ways. It's actually doing him a kindness to leave as you are no longer enabling his bad behavior.