[Big Mama]

WARNING TRIGGERING TOPIC, RAPE , STOP HERE NOW

I need help, I need clarity. I've gotten differing opinions from different professionals as to weather what happened to me was rape or sexual abuse or sexual assault?
I'll give you a quick rundown and maybe someone will know more about this than I do. This was 20 years ago. Some things just stick with ya.
When I was 15 and my boyfriend 18, my boyfriend would get me lost after dark and ask me to preform oral sex. If I did not he would plead, and try to convince me to. If I still would not he would make me get out of the truck and he would leave me alone in the dark. Darkness is my greatest fear and he knew that. He'd come back for me min's later. (which felt like forever) Then if I didn't do what he wanted he was going to leave me there and not come back. So I would do what he wanted. This went on for 9 months, 3-4 times a week. I CAN'T GET INTO WHY I DIDN'T LEAVE, WHY I STAYED. TO DIFFICULT TO GO THERE AT THIS POINT. But he used to touch me in the most inapropreiate (sorry my spelling sucks, wrong ways) ways which I did not participate in except waiting for it to be over.
My question is: Because we never had intercourse does that change it from rape to sexual abuse or is it still rape because I was forced to into doing something of a sexual nature I didn't want to do? OR Is it sexual abuse or sexual assault because I eventually concented (against my true feelings) and we never had intercourse and I allowed it to continue over a period of time?
I just want a label. I don't know why it matters. It want change things. But for some weird reason it does matter. I think the correct label would simply put my mind at ease.

[Yoda]

First, I am sorry that this happened to you and know that it was not your fault.

Second, whether it is specifically rape, sexual assault or sexual abuse would probably be defined by the state in which you lived at the time of the abuse. I am not an attorney so I am not all that familiar with the terminology for this.

If you have not already talked to a therapist you should consider it. There are different feelings that people experience after this happens. For me I first felt shame but now I feel anger.

I hope you find the support you seek here at psychcentral.

[Big Mama]

Yoda, Thank you for your responce. I love the horse by the way. May the force be with you.

[SoupDragon]

Hi Big Mama, I am sorry this happened to you.

I had similar experiences when I was 15 and had a boyfriend aged 19. For a long time, I blamed myself, I kept letting it happen so must have been getting something out of it. It is only now after seeing my T for a couple of years, that I am starting to accept that this was a sexual offence. I understand the thing about the label, as for me this reinforces the fact that what happened was wrong, was not my fault and I am not bad or to blame for what happened.

As Yoda says I think the exact definition would be a courts decision, but to me it sounds like you were the victim of a sexual offence, you could not consent because you were under age and obvious coercion was involved.

I hope you can find someone to work through this with - for me it was 30 years ago, but still can be hard to face. Soup

[Open Eyes]

I agree with Yoda, but the bottom line is you were a victim of abuse. And I would call this sexual abuse as well.

What you are discribing here is what the majority of abuse victims discrbe and often cannot understand WHY they gave in. I am one of them and so I know through therapy that this is very common and what I did was not my fault. I just learned how to be a victim. And these abusers are VERY good at intimidating their victims into submission. It is only after we are well away from that situation that we can begin to see it more clearly. But it does present the confused feelings that you are expressing here.

You need to find a therapist to help you to work through this, it will take time and is not something you can really do on your own.

I hope that helps you, you are not alone, the number of people that become victims of abuse is very high.

(((Gentle supportive and understanding hugs)))
Open Eyes

OK, deep breath....

First and foremost, I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you are doing OK.

- I believe you were abused (emotionally and sexually), tormented, terrorized and manipulated horribly

- In addition, you were a minor - and he was of legal age - when the incident happened. Another NOT ok. It is a little more complicated in the Commonwealth, but you were a minor at the time.

NOW...sharing what I know to be true on a Federal level / and in the courts regarding the (new) definition of rape as of 2011:

"Revised Rape Definition Approved
In December 2011, Director Mueller formally approved the recommendation of the Criminal Justice Information Services Division’s Advisory Policy Board (APB) Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) Subcommittee to revise the definition of rape in the UCR Summary Reporting Program (SRP). Below is the revised rape definition: “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or **** with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

I hope this helps bring some peace and clarity for you, my dear.

[Big Mama]

Rose Panachee thank you for your techinical definition. That does answer some questions.
If that is the case as defined it was no doubt rape. penitration of the oral nature and other as well. Not intercourse but penetration yes. Thank you.
Odd how one can say thank you as you cry. But thank you. It's hard to tell someone words you dare not say out loud. I do have a a qualified T. I've seen her 3 times now and have along way to go. We are doing mostly trauma work it's certinly different from anything I've done before.
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR KIND RESPONCES. IT HELPS ALOT TO KNOW I'M NOT ALONE. I KNEW I WAS NOT BUT IT HELPS TO HAVE SOMEONE ELSE IN THE SAME POSITION I AM IN.

Big Mama

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

No label will take away the pain. I'm sorry you wenth through that...

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Rose Panachee thank you for your techinical definition. That does answer some questions.
If that is the case as defined it was no doubt rape. penitration of the oral nature and other as well. Not intercourse but penetration yes. Thank you.
Odd how one can say thank you as you cry. But thank you. It's hard to tell someone words you dare not say out loud. I do have a a qualified T. I've seen her 3 times now and have along way to go. We are doing mostly trauma work it's certinly different from anything I've done before.
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR KIND RESPONCES. IT HELPS ALOT TO KNOW I'M NOT ALONE. I KNEW I WAS NOT BUT IT HELPS TO HAVE SOMEONE ELSE IN THE SAME POSITION I AM IN.

Big Mama

((((Big Mama))))

[notablackbarbie]

*wipes away tears while head is low and *

(((Big Mama)))

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Triggers

I want to ellaborate on my comment a little more now, at first I was kind of a bit... Not triggered but reminded in a bad way of a time I've tried to forget. I was 15, dating a 19 year old. He was INCREDIBLY similar to your ex. At one point I remember, crying hysterrically while doing what you mentioned above. He had a nasty way of getting me to do that for him as well. He didn't care how much I cried, it didn't stop him from wanting it. I even had to do it to make up for other abuse. A man tried to force himself on me one day, I got away by kneeing him between the legs and running home. I was crying my eyes out when they (at the time) boyfriend came back from work. I told him about it and instantly he found a way to make me feel like it was my fault. That if I didn't do what you mentioned above, he would leave me, that was my way to prove that I didn't provoke the other man into attacking me. That was a bad day to say the least.

I've been there and it's terrible. I never thought much about that guy other than him being a horrible boyfriend. I never even considered it abusive at all until I read your thread. That's why I couldn't say much the first comment. It kind of brought back the memories but for once, from a different stand point.

What this man did to you, in every way was wrong. It was sexual abuse. Sexual assault, physical emotional, it was over all very abusive. I don't know if technically it would be considered rape, (such a hard word to see hear type etc) but it was deffinately just as bad. A man does not have to break that area in to cause as much damage as a rapist. No matter what the name, it doesn't take away the pain. Some men who only sexually abused me caused as much if not more damage than the few who r*ped me. I've been on ever side of the sexual assault spectrum and it isn't easier because it wasn't actual sex. In some aspects, oral can be more traumatic. Not always but sometimes it really can be. Being forced to do something in any sense is very traumatizing. I'm so sorry you had to endure this. It's very upsetting, and I can completely relate. I am truly sorry. I hope that a-hole gets what he deserves. My t says, there's not statute of limitations when it comes to this kind of thing, at any point in your life you can press charges against him, if that's the choice you want to make. Even if not, know he was the one in the wrong in many ways. Not you.

Wow, a lot of us were 15 at the time, I didn't even notice... It's so sad... It truly is. I am so sorry to all who have felt this pain... So incredibly sorry...

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I just want a label. I don't know why it matters. It want change things. But for some weird reason it does matter. I think the correct label would simply put my mind at ease.

I tried to post earlier, but my thought out response to you suddenly disappeared off my computer screen and wasn't in the dang thing's memory! Aaargh!

I wanted to tell you that I can understand your desire for a classification of the abuse ~ I think that's relatively common. IMO, whether the behavior falls under rape, sexual abuse, or sexual assault really doesn't matter to the victim. YOU! The only difference the title makes is the way that other people in general society reacts to the news and how people feel about your abusive ex-bf.

Rape typically brings up a very negative reaction from society. It goes down from there. Sexual abuse doesn't have as much understanding or sympathy, and sexual assault is often minimized in our society. The result of getting the opinions from others on what category the issue occurred under is likely to only bring you down.

You experienced something terrible ~ a terrible situation to find oneself in and then somehow make sense of. We aren't in the same state of mind now that we were in 20 years ago. It's tough to look at the event/s clearly. I really understand the inner dilemma you find yourself questioning why you kept going back. I did the same thing from age 13-15, so I take on a lot of personal responsibility for making foolish decisions. My T reminds me that things at home felt a lot worse to me at that time. I hoped that my uncle would leave me alone, wishing that my aunt would stay up and protect me. I loved my aunt like a best friend or a mom & and was always wanting to be with her.

It's an issue that I'm continuing to work through. I haven't gotten through it completely, but I have let go of a lot of the responsibility that I'd been holding onto for so many years.

Very best wishes to you!

[Big Mama]

Your responce is touching PurpleFlyingMonkeys. I love the name. My emotions have been threw hell today. And at 11:00 at night no sleep is in sight.
Very true oral sex = 's bad. It is something I certinly prefur not to participate in. My husband knows the general info minis a lot of detail. It would only make him angry with the ex bf. That would not accomplish anything positive. It's now something I feel like trusting my own husband with. We are not to close right now and I have a sneaking suspission that this part of my past is partially to blame. I have put up walls and boundries and let NO ONE in to hurt me again. My husband has done enough damage emotionally that I don't care to deal with this subject and him. He's controlling and I'm not sure why I'm still here. But thats another whole can of worms.
Thanking back to my ex. We live out in the country where the gas stations close at 7:00, and the nearest town is 20 miles away. It's great out here unless someone wants to get you lost. My ex would drive around and make certin we,I, was lost. He would find a dumpster (here we don't have trash pick up, you take trash to large sets of dumpsters scattered throughout the county). He'd take me to a dumpster site at night and if I didn't do what he wanted he would leave me there. Darkness is my greatest fear. (Dumpsters with rodents,opossums, and bears no thinks) Once I stood my ground and he left me there. He did come back and I did make good on my part of the deal to get back in the truck and back home. If there was an empty parking lot, barn, wooded area he seemed to know where it was. The smell of man parts will never leave me. That horrible smell of d**k will be with me forever.
YIKES!! SORRY ABOUT THAT!! Thats the first time I have ever told anyone about that. Sometimes me and my husband just go out for a drive to get away from the kids and I'll see a dumpster and think. Wow thats where I was. My ex would drive around in circles, take different streets all leading back to the same dumpster so he could leave me there and I would not know where I was. As soon as I saw a dumpster I would start counting houses so if I did have to walk I would know what house had it's lights on. So if that family went to bed I would not be waking them from deep sleep. My theory on men after this 9 mo time frame was over was "Don't touch me, keep your tounge in your mouth and your you know what in your pants". It served me really well to until I got married. Married folks don't play that to well. So there's alot of sexual issues I'm left with to face.
After this was all over my ex stalked me for 2 mo. and threatened to kill himself or me. Which ever I chose. The choice was easy shoot your self save the next poor girl that comes your way. Which was my best friend who married him. She was a nimfo. So I guess it worked out great for her. Or she's in her own personal hell. We don't talk anymore.
O.K. GOOD NIGHT!! Thank you for listening and I truely sorry I wrote so much, hope I didn't give PurpleFlyingMonkeys nightmares and to much info. I think I went a little to far but it just kept pouring out and if I don't share it, it's gonna pour out again and again or eat me alive. I can't think youPurpleFlyingMonkeys and everyone else at this site for all you kindness showed and I pray that I have not added extra damage and truama to someone elses life. I feel terrible things went this far here tonight but I THINK I CAN SLEEP. YEAH!!!!!

I've been trying to respond to this thread since Big Mama's post from last night ... I have had such a difficult time. Every time I try to write something, it seems wrong, or off, or unsupportive, too clinical, too open, too embarrassing, too awful, too difficult, too revealing, ..."too" not the right thing to say.

Deep breath...

what I really want to say is -

I am just sick that we are all identifying and relating to and understanding all too well and even having to put this down in writing (I still can barely utter the word and it happened 20+ years ago)...

but on the other hand...

I am so deeply grateful that we have each other. And especially for ((((Big Mama)))), who with pain and quite a bit of courage and bravery, opened this dialog.

(it's soo miserable and uncomfortable and painful and AWFUL, but (again), we have each other - and for me - that is a whole h*** of lot. So THANK YOU)

Gratitude, hugs and tears,
Rose

If the legal definition helps you, in our state, what happened to you would be defined as sodomy. Oral intercourse is legally a form of sodomy. In terms of which crime your boyfriend would be charged with, it would be either criminal sodomy or unlawful sexual relations (in my state). Further, in our state, you would be considered a victim of kidnapping as well. Your boyfriend transported you to a different location with the intention of facilitating his crime of sodomizing you. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I hope that you are getting the help you need to come to terms with it.

ETA: I'm sorry that sounds so clinical. I really am not cold or indifferent to what you are feeling. I was trying to provide you with the definition because you said it would be helpful, but I don't know how to make the printed words convey the depth of my sympathy for you.

[Big Mama]

My kids are kool, Thank you for the responce. It was techichnal but thats o.k. It was that kind of question. Thank you for providing insight.
Big Mama

[gma45]

sigh......I just want to say thank you. I can relate.

((((Big Mama)))) just checking in and sending a hug. A reminder that you, we, are not alone and have a great support system here.
Strength in numbers my friend.

[Perna]

It was definitely sexual abuse but I personally would not call it rape as that usually involves sexual intercourse. I would work on accepting it (that it happened) as a learning experience about yourself and work on your fear of the dark or inability to say "no"/leave someone else, etc.

You were a teenager, give yourself a break; the situation was more than you could deal with but that does not make you bad, weak, etc. Move forward and make sure something like that cannot happen to you again as you will learn to take better care of yourself this time so it cannot (you won't stay with a man like that, will support yourself in fearful situation and report abuse to the authorities/have a phone/plan for emergencies (like being abandoned by the side of the road), etc.).

[Big Mama]

Thank you Rose Panachee for checking to see if im still functioning. YEP. alive and well still kicking The Lord has blessed again with another day, a mentally well dany and a 100 degree day. Maybe that last one's not a blessing. Hope your day will be a happy and blessed one.