[suzzie]

when your life is a small box. with no way out. and no one sees it. but you can see out. but cant get out. you are locked inside. and it keeps shrinking.

[Gr3tta]

Hope can be very very small. So small it can even fit inside a tiny little box. It's still there.

If I wouldn't think there is any sort of hope left, I'd be dead. So for the sake of my mental health I do want to believe that as long as I'm alive, there is hope.

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

Hope can be very very small. So small it can even fit inside a tiny little box. It's still there.

That's beautiful. Thank you so much for that

[suzzie]

yes, what gr3tta wrote is very nice. beautiful!

but hope needs reason and possiblity. to exist.

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by suzzie

when your life is a small box. with no way out. and no one sees it. but you can see out. but cant get out. you are locked inside. and it keeps shrinking.

Who put you in that box? Are you going to let them win? Undo the chains and get out of the box!

[Hunny]

Another way to see hope:

..."rays of hope"
...like here on PC.
...PC offers a ray or two of hope
...likely there are more rays
...then more and more and more and ...

[Sannah]

Suzzie, healing is all about getting out of that box. You have been without a T and this is what is making you feel small and closed in I'll bet. When did your T tell you that you would get your next appt.?

[suzzie]

she didnt. id have to make it. but im not sure.

[Sannah]

So you are going to call and find out?

[suzzie]

i dont know. right now i want to withdraw more and more. and think. im trying to figure stuff out.

[Open Eyes]

(((Suzzie)))),

I can understand the withdrawl and desire to think too. But you have to be careful in doing that because you are depending on yourself to provide the answers/solutions.
When someone suffers from a trama or childhood abuse, it is very hard for them to step outside that picture/experience and often what can happen is they can remain trapped and even want to give up.

By going to a therapist and even talking here you can have someone else see your picture and help you learn to talk about it more and more which opens the door to slowly stepping outside of it so you can find a resolve. We cannot change what happened to us, but we CAN talk about it and how it effected us emotionally. When we do that with a therapist we can have an opportunity to express our emotions and hurt. When we get to express that and get validated, we then can begin to truely see that there were things we could not help, but we can learn from it and build ways to move on inspite of what happened.

I have been doing that myself suzzie and I know it isn't easy either. But I have been improving slowly. I could not have done it on my own really either. It would have just been too hard for me to step outside the hurt and confusion I was feeling.

So give yourself a chance to open up, talk, feel, learn, morn, and repair so you can finally actually move forward. You really do deserve that.

(((Hugs))))

Open Eyes

[suzzie]

thank you open eyes

i do want to improve. but talking about it scares me. makes it worse/real. it feels safer/less real. if i keep it all locked in my head.

[Open Eyes]

(((Suzzie))),

Yes, I can understand that, I have been there myself and for a LONG time protected and hid things from my past. And I have one extremely troubling flashback/emotional experience from when I was very small that has been haunting me and I am not sure how to fix it YET.

Suzzie, when we are children and suffer abuse of some kind little by little one of the things we learn is DENIAL. If I think about my own childhood where I was abused by both my siblings I can remember that I felt that if I told, THINGS WOULD GET EVEN WORSE. When I remember that child in me, I have to keep in mind WHAT CHILDREN THINK AND DO. And children ALL look for attention, acceptance, love, to please as well. In my case even though I was upset, I also wanted to be loved and A PART OF something, children don't understand much more than that honestly. And always remember, CHILDREN DON'T KNOW WHAT DISFUNCTION AND ABUSE IS. They are just a part of a family, just having to somehow find a way to fit IN TO DISFUNCTION OF SOME KIND. And children HAVE VERY FEW SKILLS OTHER THAN WANTING TO PLEASE, BE ACCEPTED AND FIND SOME WAY OF FEELING SAFE.

Now, really think about this Suzzie. DENIAL and often EVEN APATHY. Children who are abused LEARN HOW TO DENY themselves in many ways. And children who are abused DO form some APATHY towards THEMSELVES. They actually begin to feel in many ways that THEY ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT and ARE SOMEHOW ONLY THERE TO SERVICE OTHER'S NEEDS SOMEHOW.

Suzzie, you are STRUGGLING psychologically right now. AND, what you are doing with that is, WHAT THAT CHILD LEARNED THAT WASN'T HER FAULT. It is very hard to STEP OUTSIDE OUR OWN PICTURE and SEE how we "DENY" ourselves unknowingly.
Suzzie, I do this too, and it was and still is hard for me to STEP OUTSIDE MY OWN PICTURE OF WHO I AM AND WHY I DO AND THINK CERTAIN THINGS.

When I came to PC, I WAS BATTLING PTSD very badly and I HAD SOME TROUBLING STATEMENTS MADE ABOUT ME BY A PSYCHIATRIST AND A THERAPIST in my records from a psychward stay and a few visits with an out patient therapist after I BROKE down from suffering a LOT OF LOSS on my farm from a NEGLIGENT NEIGHBOR. And I can look at my own records and see ALL THE RED FLAGS that were clearly there for ANY "REAL" professional to see, and YET I WAS STILL MISUNDERSTOOD.

I didn't have very much money for a therapist, I was left with a lot of debt too. And the therapist I WAS seeing for a while just happened to be A VERY TROUBLED PERSON HIMSELF. Wow, Suzzie, I have had the WORST LUCK now that I look back.

And I was looking for a support group and happened across PC. And I KNEW I was misunderstood, because I had tried to see a psychiatrist to address the mistakes in my records and clear up the WRONG DIAGNOSES, that psychiatrist SAW THE MISTAKES, however all he did was LOOK AT ME WITH A SERIOUS TROUBLED LOOK AND SAY, "YOU ARE A VERY MISUNDERSTOOD PERSON". And that was ALL he said, HE NEVER SAID MORE, OR WHY, OR HOW. And I was only given that ONE visit with him.

So I decided that I would try to see HOW, OR WHY I AM SO MISUNDERSTOOD, by just coming to PC and PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE AND JUST BE ME. And it took a while for me to truely SEE IT. Because remember OFTEN WE STRUGGLE TO REALLY STEP OUTSIDE OURSELVES AND SEE THE REAL PICTURE.

While I was coming to PC, I was REALLY STRUGGLING with the PTSD and every single day I was full of anxiety and constantly battling the shakes and other things that come with PTSD. But I kept coming to PC and what did I do? When I came here I saw so many people suffering and needing help and it made me feel so BAD FOR "THEM". And I DID WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS DONE "BEST". Every day I reached out to OTHER SUFFERING LONELY PEOPLE and THAT IS THE ONE THING I AM "VERY" "GOOD" AT.

I have a lot of thank you's and friends here. And I still didn't truely see HOW I could be so misunderstood, it wasn't just coming forward where I could TRUELY see it. And I HAVE MET "NICE" PEOPLE HERE , I DO LIKE MY FRIENDS TOO. And I also write LONG posts too. And it really seemed to help me get through a lot of bad days with PTSD. It often calmed me down when I came and read and posted and read and posted.

But what I didn't do, is talk about myself, AND THE HIDDEN ISSUES THAT I WAS TAUGHT TO "DENY'. It took me a VERY long time to be able to TALK ABOUT MY OWN ABUSE. Even in therapy I denied myself that, AND I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH THAT AND FELT IT WASN'T IMPORTANT.

What I learned from my childhood? It was all about my older brother and HIS PROBLEMS, it was all about my older SISTER and HER CONTROL, WHAT MADE HER HAPPY, it was all about MY MOTHER WHO HAD THREE CHILDREN AND WAS ALWAYS TIRED BECAUSE HER HUSBAND WASNT THERE TO HELP HER, It was all about MY FATHER who had to work to feed us and WHAT "HE" needed.

What about OPEN EYES? I was the youngest and had to LEARN TO SEE THE PROBLEMS OF THE OTHERS and somehow FIND A WAY TO FIT INTO THAT DISFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. And MY family WAS DISFUNCITIONAL.

Yesterday? All day I was haunted by my worst flashback/body memory/emotional memory. I am a baby in this flashback experience. I am very frightened and cold and I WANT MY MOMMY REALLY BAD. And when I experience this, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COMFORT THAT CHILD. I end up in my bed and all I seem to do is CRY AND CRY and I AM SO ALONE AND SCARED. It is a horrible memory and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

I got so bad that I was in a lot of pain. And I thought that MAYBE IF I FINALLY TELL IT WILL HELP THIS CHILD. But I am afraid just like everyone else is afraid TO TELL.
I want to tell my mother WHO DID LOVE ME, but I am afraid it may hurt her. BUT I REALLY NEED TO FIND A WAY TO ADDRESS THIS CHILD THAT IS CRYING OUT because it is DEBILITATING ME.

I finally called my FATHER in desperation because I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN and I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. And I even posted a question here. And when I told my father, explained it to him, what did he say? "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, WE CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST, WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM ME, I AM LISTENING BUT THE MARKET IS CLOSING AND I HAVE TO CALL SOME CUSTOMERS. I AM VERY BUSY OE, BUT I WILL TRY TO LISTEN, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. KIDS DO THINGS THEY DONT UNDERSTAND, THEY MAKE MISTAKES, YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO LET IT GO.

And Suzzie, I got my answer, and it was sad because that was always HIS answer.
HE WAS ALWAYS TOO BUSY, HE NEVER REALLY LISTENS, HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW.
And as I was talking to him, ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS "SAY, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU AND HANG UP".

Suzzie, I was constantly taught to DENY MYSELF of MY VERY REAL PROBLEMS GROWING UP. From the bottom of my heart, I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO "HURT". I have so much sympathy and desire to help others. I am very good at helping others, I OFTEN "GET" THEM and I DO LISTEN, I AM SO GOOD AT THAT.

I am NOT good at HELPING MYSELF in MANY WAYS. I get my happyness BY GIVING IT TO OTHERS, EVEN MY CHILD, EVEN MY HUSBAND AND EVERYONE ELSE. When my animals were destroyed, when my daughter's horse was destroyed, when I SAW EVERYONE IN PAIN, " I COULD NOT FIX IT AND I GOT SO ANGRY AND LOST THAT I "BROKE" DOWN. And NO ONE understood it NO ONE. They ALL YELLED AT ME and MY SISTER CAME INTO THE PSYCHWARD AND "YELLED AT ME". I was the giver, and the giver broke AND NO ONE LIKED IT.

Everyone thinks I am SO STRONG, and I AM when I AM GIVING TO OTHERS. But I never learned to HELP MYSELF, I only learned TO DENY MYSELF FOR OTHERS.

I have a child in me THAT IS REALLY UPSET AND CRYING and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP HER. But Suzzie, I NEVER REALLY DID. And NEITHER DID ANYONE ELSE.

To be HONEST Suzzie, I don't know how to help this child yet. How SAD is that?
And guess what, just like you I want to withdraw into myself somehow too. But I KNOW I CANNOT REALLY FIX IT BY DOING THAT. Because that is WHAT I ALWAYS DID Suzzie. And this is not just MY problem, or just YOUR problem, it is a constant message or statement or desire of MANY HERE IN THE FORUMS. And often when I DO ask a question in and effort to solve that? I don't really get an answer.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Suzzie, you really have to understand and SEE that what you are saying is YOU DON'T KNOW HOW to HELP YOURSELF. But you are really NOT ALONE IN THAT. It doesn't mean YOU ARE IN ANY WAY A FAILURE EITHER OR AT FAULT. You have to be willing to finally give yourself permission TO FINALLY ASK FOR WHAT YOU ALWAYS DESERVED TO HAVE. And finally LEARN how to GIVE to YOU.

I tell EVERYONE to be kind to themselves and I MEAN IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. That is where you have to start and keep giving yourself permission to do.
I know it isn't easy either, ME TOO. I know that I MYSELF have to LEARN how to give to myself AND BE OK WITH IT. I have to remember that DENIAL WAS ENGRAINED INTO ME, AND THAT WAS TRUELY NEVER MY FAULT, AND IT ONLY FEELS RIGHT BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WAS TAUGHT TO FEEL. I am a middle aged woman and have YEARS of GIVING TO EVERYONE ELSE TO HAVE A SENSE OF SELF WORTH. I gave up SO THAT MY DAUGHTER AND HUSBAND COULD GET WHAT "THEY" needed.
And they DON'T GET ME. They have EVEN BEEN MAD AT ME. It took a LOT out of me TO KEEP THEM HAPPY and when they saw me tired and UNPREDICTABLE, they DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT. My daughter DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT, and I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT enough to EXPLAIN IT TO HER. My daughter says that HER TEEN YEARS WERE DIFFICULT, YES, IT WAS VERY HARD FOR ME TO KEEP HER NEEDS FILLED. And I broke and got ill and faced SO MANY CHALLENGES that I NEVER EXPECTED TO FACE AND THEY WERE VERY HARD ON ME. I could not explain to anyone else the things that were not explained to me or that I myself didn't understand. BUT, because I always SEEMED TO KNOW HOW TO PROBLEM SOLVE OTHER PEOPLE, I was misunderstood AND JUST EXPECTED TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. But I HONESTLY DIDN'T "HAVE" ALL THE ANSWERS, EVEN THOUGH I KEPT PUSHING THROUGH AND BEING STRONG IN MANY WAYS.

Often, we unknowingly teach others to EXPECT so MUCH FROM US. We can even TEACH THEM TO DENY US LIKE WE DENY US. And if we can deny ourselves SO STRONGLY, when we break EVERYONE CAN PUNISH US INCLUDING OURSELVES and IT IS REALLY NOT OUR FAULT. We are what we know, and I am no exception. So, we HAVE TO BE WILLING TO "LEARN" HOW TO finally give ourselves permission TO FIX ourselves and GIVE to ourselves WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY ABOUT IT. And for a while it FEELS WRONG, because WE NEVER DID IT BEFORE, we JUST DID WHAT WE KNEW HOW TO DO.

Often we are not even aware of WHO WE REALLY ARE and HOW WE HAVE ADAPTED TO "being taught SELF DENIAL".

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

One of the Biggest reasons that we are afraid to discuss and look at our childhoods is because we were not only afraid then, but we are also afraid now, we are afraid that we don't have the ability to help that child in us. And somehow we were denied and the biggest part of not wanting to tell, is we somehow know, we will just be denied again. I learned that yesterday when I got up to courage to call my father.

And when I really think about my mother, she too had a hard time giving to herself.
She wanted to though, but when she did, she went SHOPPING and ALWAYS HAD TO BUY STUFF ON SALE. And she always had to buy us things so she could give herself permission to also give things to herself. And a lot of times she would buy things and take them back too. And my father always punished her EVERYTIME SHE GAVE TO HERSELF. He never really noticed that either. My dad can give to himself, but he he doesn't really know how to give to others, not really, it is a big deal when he does.

I took time to get to know the people in my family, I figured out how to make THEM happy. I even thought I made peace with it too. I have a real gift for figuring other people out and making them happy. But I never did it for me though. Truth is, I can only be happy by pleasing others, that is what I learned ever since I can remember.

And I raised my daughter GIVING HER EVERYTHING. I gave her love and safety and everything I could because I wanted her to have what I didn't have. And she DOES give herself permission to GIVE TO HERSELF. I taught her that, and she is entitled too, BECAUSE I DID THAT FOR HER. And she doesn't understand me, because I AM DIFFERENT. I don't know how to truely GIVE TO MYSELF LIKE SHE DOES.

When I broke, I didn't have any more energy to give, I was just plain broke. I kept thinking that after a while I would finally be able to get up and go back to doing my giving thing. But I couldn't and instead, I ended up battling and being crippled by this thing called PTSD. And whether I like or not, EVERYTHING that EVER HURT ME is coming out that goes all the way back to THAT CRYING BABY that I can't seem to silence or help somehow.

Suzzie, let me ask you something, "DO YOU THINK I DESERVE TO FIND A WAY TO HELP THAT CRYING BABY THAT HAUNTS ME?"

I don't mean to go on and on about myself, but I am showing you ways were we can deny ourselves and not even realize it, I have been learning too. Maybe you can identify with "SOME" of what I experienced and am learning, ofcourse you will have YOUR OWN STORY but whatever that is, YOUR NOT ALONE in how you are feeling.

Open Eyes

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by suzzie

right now i want to withdraw more and more. and think. im trying to figure stuff out.

And this is what is causing you to feel like you are in a box, the withdrawing more and more.

I'll bet you are doing this to protect yourself?

Originally Posted by suzzie

talking about it scares me. makes it worse/real. it feels safer/less real. if i keep it all locked in my head.

Talking about it is what is going to heal you, though, and yes, this part does make it seem more real but this is the path to healing. You can go at your own pace and tell in your own time. Connecting with your therapist is what is going to be a lifeline.

[Open Eyes]

((((Suzzie)))),

I see I sure wrote a lot here for you, but I have been struggling too and I have been seeing a lot of my own struggles in others as well here.

I think my main message to you Suzzie, it that if you can bring yourself to see what you have experienced, the whole point is not to shame or hurt yourself, but to for you to really allow yourself to see YOU in a different light.

All my words here are pointing to me thinking how by hiding what happened to me would help me avoid so I could allow myself to be happy in SOME ways. I have experienced some unpleasant things in my childhood where I wasn't able to fight back. It was not my fault that I couldn't fight back, but what I learned to do unknowingly is to think that if I pretended it didn't happen I would manage or survive better. And also if I didn't tell then no one would know how hurt and powerless I was. I didn't want anyone to think of me as THAT CHILD who HAD TO SUBMIT and WHO FELT POWERLESS.

If I put this different. We could have a favorite stuffed animal that gets really worn and can look raggedy, we hide it because we don't want anyone to find it and see it is so badly worn and throw it out. That is the mentality of a child and it often stays with us throughout our lives as well. If we are that badly worn stuffed animal, we too try to hide that somewhere so WE don't get disguarded. Although we can know that it is there ourselves and struggle with it in our own private way.

I think that if you can find the courage to show your T that torn worn damaged stuffed animal, you will find that your T has seen many others and can help you fix it so you feel much better about YOU.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[suzzie]

thank you open eyes for your thoughtful posts.

do you think once you start t. it changes things. and makes it harder to cope if you stop. im finding it so hard right now.

[Sannah]

I would think that this is true. You were starting to let T in a little and decrease your walls and now you are left with that with no support IRL. Did you call about your appt.?

[Open Eyes]

((((suzzie)))),

I went through that myself and at first I felt very vulnerable. What helped me a lot was to know that I am not alone in what I experienced, unfortunately many experience troubling things in their childhoods. And the other thing I learned is that people with this history ALL WANT TO HIDE, FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE DISCUSSING IT AND THEY ALL FEEL DAMAGED AND ASHAMED.

So what helped ME was knowing that I am only human and my feelings were NORMAL and shared by others. So I am not separate from others, I am not as damaged as I think, I am within a group of MANY that also struggle. And because I did find the courage to finally share with my therapist, I am here for you encouraging you to do the same along with Sannah. I have gotten to a point where now that I have shared I can work on how that effected me, how I adapted as well and how I can learn to overcome it and finally grow beyond it.

Suzzie, I am not going to say it is not difficult, but it does get easier because you can finally just get it out and truely work on getting past it.

We are here to support you in that Suzzie.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[suzzie]

no, not yet. sorry. im scared she might not be interested.

[Sannah]

So you are afraid of being rejected?

[suzzie]

yes. but thats because its my reality. its everywhere. i swear. rejection is smothering me. i need to get away from it. its too much.

[Sannah]

But you need your T. T's aren't into rejecting people. This is something that you need to work through.

[suzzie]

i am so shocked. i finally emailed t today. not about a session. but something else. guess my way of trying. she emailed back that she would like to give me a free session as a gift. would it be wrong to accept.