Hi I'm Alex. Some of you know me already as Ruben's twinbrother.
His story is on here too somewhere. He passed away of leukemia last march.
Everything pretty much went downhill from there.
Our father used to be abusive. He'd hit me and he used to s.xually abuse my twinbrother. When my brother told the nurse at the hospital about the beatings he ended up in jail eventually. He tried to strangle my brother for telling after he was released on bail or something so now he's locked away for a good long time. I guess that's a good thing though. Except my mom is not doing very well mentally, after my brother passed away and with the divorce and acute moneyproblems i guess she couldn't handle it no more.
So my brother and sister and I all live somewhere else for now. And my mother doesn't want help so it can be a long time before we can go home..
But im talking just to not have to talk about why i tried to post this in the first place..
Not so long after my brother passed away the neighbour suddenly started to show interest in us again. To anyone else it probably seemed like he wanted to be a good neighbour after all that happened to us but I knew that he wasn't a nice guy. I'm almost 100% sure some things happened between him, my father and my brother. Yet not a moment did i think he might try to do something to me too.. I guess i was still stuck in the old role pattern.. But when I was home alone he attacked me and i pretty much froze.. I should of screamed or run or something but everything went so quick. He catched me alone when i was walking out of my room and he grabbed me, put his hand over my mouth and pushed me back into the room. It didn't occur to me what was happening till he started to take my pants off and then it felt like 'the movie' went from fast forward into slow motion.. I'm used to pain but nothing could have prepared me for this.
After a couple of times I tried to carefully tell my mom about my father and the neighbour, but she wouldnt even believe me about the things our father has done to Ruben.. She yelled at me said i was lying, even hit me. I didn't even bother telling her about the neighbour. So it went on sometimes 1 time a week sometimes 5 times.
I feel so disgusting... Its been a few weeks since the last time since I moved out and everything but I saw him again this weekend when we visited our mother, he didn't touch me because of all the people around but I felt so shaky I was glad i was holding on to something when i saw him.
I cant believe my brother went trough this for years its only a few months for me and i already feel so disgusting I'm tired a lot and my stomach hurts whenever i do something that requires more activity then walking to the bathroom or kitchen and sometimes i have to throw up. But i didnt tell anyone about that so they just think im tired because im not sleeping so well. I feel so stupid i was 14/15 not a little kid and i let it happen anyway.

[Open Eyes]

Wow Alex, you need to report this, this neighbor is betting on no one believing you.

You need to find a way to protect yourself. You need to tell someone, can you get in touch with the people who dealt with your brother? Surely you must have a name of someone he talked to.

Sorry about your mother Alex, she is clearly still in shock and doesn't know how to handle all of what she has been through. Often what happens is someone can become very afraid to love anyone, even their own children after experiencing something like this. They just don't know how to recover and can become numb. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it just means she is at such a complete loss right now.

Where you are staying, is there someone there you can talk to? Surely there must be some kind of help for you.

I am not familiar with what is available in the Netherlands for help with this.

I am SO INCREDIBLY SORRY.

Please come and talk here, we are always here to listen. Maybe someone else will have more ideas.

(((Big Hugs for you Alex)))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Alex, I just wanted to add that this is common, people not fighting back and repeated abuse. Also wondering why you didn't fight back. So don't think this is just you that experiences this. As a matter of fact we just had a big case here in the states where several boys were victims of a man and stayed quiet in fear they would not be believed. They were grown men before they finally came forward and that was because one young boy was brave and came forward.

It is a very strange occurance, and often victims feel just like you do. It is important to finally tell about this, because if this man did this to you he will also do this to others as well. And these preditors do start by looking like they are concerned and want to help, they look for the kind of opportunities that your family was in as well.
They don't care, they are just preditiors.

You have to find it in you to speak up. We are here to support you just like we did for your brother, he had hard time speaking up as well.

Open Eyes

[Leed]

--Alex, PLEASE say something -- tell someone about this horrid man!!! You will be saving other boys from the torment that you went thru. I'm sure you don't want ANY other young boys to go thru the terrible trauma that you went thru. You must tell someone -- the police or someone who can arrest this man, about what happened!!! He's got to be stopped!

I know it's a scary thing to do and I know you don't want people to know, but they'll keep your name out of it -- and no one will know who turned him in. Now, I don't know where you live, but it's possible if he goes to trial that you will have to testify so then others will know who you are, but if you're saving others you'll be looked upon as a hero! So please don't hesitate to turn him in!!

God bless and please take care!!! Hugs, Lee

I´m good now.. I don´t see him anymore now that I don´t live at home anymore. I do miss the cat but I don´t want to go back there alone. And my mom doesn´t want to see me anyway... I´m feeling a little better today atleast, physically. I thought it would be something I didn´t have to worry or think to much about anymore after my brother turned our father in. It seems an impossible thing to talk about. Just thinking about that makes me break out in sweat :/

[roads]

You have come such a long way, Alex. You speak more strongly now, though the pain of Rubin's loss is with you still of course. I'm glad you've been able to come here now and tell us more completely what really happened.

It's heartbreaking that your family's been destroyed in all this, and that the trauma of this will probably never leave you--but I can understand that you just can't deal with any more of it on your own. I know I would never have done so well.

At some point, if you have an opportunity to work with a therapist, it's something you might try ... But we will be here, ready & able to listen at least.
Rubin was so dear to many of us--as are you, Alex.

Roadie

Sad places cold places angry places
Faces who stare at me in my dreams
The things that haunt me
Touch me hurt me break me all over again
Anger confussion sadness
In my dreams

I can see you I miss you I miss you
I wish I could fly away with you
Fly away away from here
We run laugh smile play soccer
But then I have to let you go, again again again
In my dreams

Dont give up the fight the fight isn't over
We are still here afraid waiting but so alone
I talk plead cry yell but all for nothing
And all that is left, loneliness and pain
And I see it feel hear it smell it all over again
In my dreams

[Sannah]

Alex, you never know when this guy could get access to you again. He really needs to be reported to the police.

does it really matter... whats done is done what happened happened already
i dont want to care anymore .. keep it a dream or a nightmare i guess
i wish i could be with my brother thats all i want

[Open Eyes]

((Alex)),

You have had a lot to try to deal with so far in your life, and you have not had very much life experience where you know how to deal with all of this either. And that's ok, you will be learning with time and it does take time to heal and grow past things and even hold off until you can understand better.

As far as your mother is concerned, well we all think our parents are just supposed to know what to do when bad things happen. But Alex they are just human and things can happen where they don't have the life skills to deal either right away. I think your mother is very overwhelmed by all that has happened to her. And like you, she too doesn't want to feel it all either. We hurt when we lose someone we love and for a while we don't want to love anyone so we don't get hurt even.

But as they say, "time heals all wounds" and I would have to agree with that saying.

I am so sorry Alex that you have experienced all of this and I am sure that you feel lost right now. Do you know where to go and what you want yet? Probably not, and I can relate to that Alex, I have gone through some bad things too and I am not sure what I want right now other than to focus on learning to slowly heal. It is normal Alex to feel lost and even alone. But you are not alone because we all experience loss in our lives, it is a part of life we have to learn how to work through. And it is never easy for anyone. But we also have to remember that this loss is not ALL of life, good things can come too.

I try to think about what I can learn and also how I can take what I do learn and share that with others.

We can either allow our loss to continue to take from us, or we can use our loss to inspire us. Some very good people that have roamed our earth have left many insiring messages and knowledge for all of us to think about and learn from because they chose to be inspired by the losses they had in their lives.

Maybe you might end up being a psychologist or work with children that are where you are now someday. Because Alex, you are not alone in what you experience in both a loss as well as being exposed to abuse. You are young enough to learn to rise above all of this and you can help others do the same.

Hey, even something like this PC, well someone thought of this, and took steps to make it happen because they saw a void that needed filling somehow. And because they took that step, you can come here with your lost heart and I can talk to you like this so you don't feel so alone.

We can choose to give up when there is a void, or we can choose to see what WE can do or even learn to do to help fill that void.

((((Healing Hugs for you Alex)))
Open Eyes

[Luce]

To you, not to Alex, but to YOU, the person here:

(This may not look like support to some, but it is, and you know it is, and you know what I mean.)

Questions to ask yourself:

1.What drives you to play out this same scenario over and over again?
2. It helps you and serves a purpose for you in some way - do you know what that purpose is?
3.Your pain is so raw and deep and evident - what is the source of that pain? How can it be healed? How can WE help you heal it?

This - what happens here - doesn't help. If it did you would not have that need to go over it again and again, here and elsewhere. This just goes around and around and then fades to the background before something draws you back and it all begins again. What is it that TRULY help? What is it that will lay those demons to rest once and for all? What is it that will touch that pain deep in the centre of yourself and calm it, and soothe it in such a way that it be will more bearable for you to live with?

There has got to be a better way.

[notablackbarbie]

(((AlexRawr)))

im not sure what you mean but i guess you don't believe me, or something

[FacingChains]

Alex, I do NOT think that is what LUCE meant at all. Please do not feel hurt by that. That was a complicated response that you may not be able to dig at this time....no worries....therapy can help you sort that out..I hope you go...Ive lost most of my life to the lies and deceit of an abuser who stills hides in public...if only someone could expose her...Ive always thought no one would beleive me and i would be labeled crazy...and that drove me crazy...it seems the strong ones are tested the hardest, maybe your job isnt over, like I know mine isnt, I am just trying to find the strength to figure out what to do, I hope you can find the strength to find some way, however?! be creative!! to catch thhis guy and turn his ***** in. So many others will come forward that couldnt be as brave as you can. Think about it. You would be helping some many boys. Believe me you are not the only one. He has replaced you with someone else. I have no doubt. May all of Gods blessing be with you today and always. Facing Chains.