[Twisted_Soul]

Was able to stuff things down again there for a while because even during Trauma Recovery you get off track and other things take place that need immediate attention.

BUT, lately I have really been having a lot of flashbacks and horrible treams about Him. And, when I see things like a brown suit w/ a yellow shirt, or smell his smell, or see someone who looks like him >>> My head freaks!

Then it brings me back to that time (those many times) that he had me in his grips. And, I begin to question myself. Maybe it was my fault? Maybe I asked for it? Maybe I wanted it? Shouldn't a 12 year old know the difference between right and wrong? Did I know but do nothing? Just went along in silence?
Did I encourage him? Was I that much in need of attention that I thought it was okay?
I am sinking here in my thoughts....

Twisted_soul, don't do this to yourself. Look at it this way-think of any 12 year old you know and put her in that very same position, do you believe for a second that she asked, wanted or deserved it? Do you believe for a second that she was in the wrong and went along because she needed the attention?
I really don't think you would subscribe to that for any other 12 year old so why would you buy into it for your being 12?
You are sinking into your thoughts and they're misleading you. (((((((((Twisted)))))))))) Don't blame yourself.

Don't internalize the blame that isn't yours. Sometimes it helps me tto pretend im talking to "him" and say. "You are so sick, taking advantage someone weaker, younger, and vulnerable. "
Please don't put the blame on yourself.

[LILITH]

Hello TS there is no excuse for abuse.. Children are the innocent.... and so are the adults who are abused...
Lilith

[Twisted_Soul]

I still believe I am at fault somehow.
I have a strong personality and @ 12 I believe I should have been old enough to know right from wrong.
I mean, You learn early about not touching a hot stove.
God, my mind is so abrasive and yet so numb.
What if I am the one who made some kind of connection that lured him into doing what he did for over a year.
I mean, that is a long time to not understand, right?
I hate him. I hate me. I hate the Little who lives in me.

a 12 year old my know right and wrong but when it comes to abuse no matter how old the person is, it is the abusers fault not the victims that the person got abused. One of my abuse situations happened when I was 30 years old. but my age does not change the fact that my rapist was at fault not me.

Hang in there. You were NOT to blame. you were the child. the abuser was the adult and is to blame.

[LILITH]

TS those who are raped as adults, children, boys and girls are never the ones at fault. No one should be violated. You were young and not old enough to have consented to it.... it was a violation of your personal space. You did nothing wrong.... I believe that with my whole being...... What was done was wrong......
Lilith

[Twisted_Soul]

Trying to believe what you all are saying.
I talked about this briefly w/ T and know it needs to be revisited at next session.
She suggested I post and say how I was feeling.

I want to believe, somehow. that it wasn't my fault or that I didn't have the tools as a kid to prevent it , stop it or tell about it at the time.

Now I am 37. The abuse is well in the past, but the haunting of it destroys me inside. It creeps in and steals me away all over again. Like it just happened.
I want to run from it. I want to prevent it. But, it happened. If that makes sense. I don't know.
These are the thoughts that go through my head.

And, how can I protect that 12 year old now? She is more then damaged. She is needy and hurting. No one is listening to her. They hear me, the 37 yo and think I am just out of control @ times and it isn't me, it is her.
God, I hate all this!

TS, i was five and six. it wasn't my fault that my mom knew about it and did nothing. i remembered every detail of it at age 40. i went into intensive therapy and made "peace" with it....i hope you understand what i mean by "peace". i made my mind up that it would not define the kind of person that i knew i was then. i was little and didn't know what was happening to me. i was molested. not raped or anything more than really inappropriate stuff. it is not your fault and you certainly didn't project any signals that you wanted it. the perpertrator is the one that is at fault and remember this, "what goes 'round, comes 'round".........if he is still alive, he'll get it..............

[LILITH]

I agree what goes around will come around..... One of my abusers died in April he lived to be the rip old age of 98yrs old..... at the end he was just an old man dying.... his memory was gone his body was twisted.... I could only say The End To That Chapter in My Life.........Lilith
I am thinking of you Twisted Soul.....Lilith

[Hopefull]

I think the 12 year old in you may have known it was wrong. But, you was young. It was the abuser's fault.
As for protect that frightened child now, I am not sure on how to do that. Perhaps you can reassure that child as much as you can. We all need to give ourselfs pelp talks and reassurances.

i hope your mantra can be, til you find peace, is "it wasn't my fault and i didn't ask for it"........p and i believe you will find peace as you work on your issues very hard.

[hillbunnyb]

Fault, blame, right and wrong....... Let's try to step away from these labels and just look at what works and doesn't work. Negative self talk doesn''t go anywhere we want to go, so let's work on not doing that. That leaves a blank, a space we can think about how we want to fill. (When we're thinking clearly, of course.) Talk with t about positive mantras to stick in here.

A 12 year old may understand the concept of right and wrong in a broad sense, but has very little experience applying those concepts in various contexts..... and no experience in dealing creeps (one would hope.....).

I became aware, jolted myself out of self blame, by taking a good look at children who are now the age I was then..... I ask myslef if I would expect that kid to know how to deal with whatever I was dealing with..... the answer has been universally, "NO!". So I am able to forgive myself for being a little kid, in way over my head, way back when.

Learned to turn the inner talk around to appreciating what a tuff little nugget I was to have survived. How proud I am that I decided,on my own, way back when, to break the cycle of violence. How hard that was for me to do without any support. (Family in denial/pre women's movement.) Practice giving myself strokes for everything I can think of to give myself strokes for to fill up that space that used to be full of self kaka talk. All the praise that wasn't given the cute little bundle that was me while I grew up. The "parent myself" thing 12 steppers talk about. (I hated resented ranted against this, furious that I hadn't gotten this love and respect from my parents, for xxxx sake, it was their JOB!!!) Then, I grudgingly gave in and started feeding myself what I wanted from them......

I think this is what our will is for: working on ourselves.

[jennie]

Yes, 12 years old know the difference between right and wrong. Unfortunately, many children are taught to obey others with authority then become easy prey for predators. It sounds like you were all alone in your situation with no help to escape this monster. It wasn't your fault he hurt you. You didn't know he would violate you that way. Fear is a powerful thing that paralyzes you. You were an innocent child and powerless over him, period! But, today you are no longer powerless. You are on the road to recovery. Just remind yourself, "It was not your fault!"

[Twisted_Soul]

Thanks all of you for supporting me and trying to help me through a rough stage right now.

Trying to understand it all from the perspective of a 12 year old girl. Sometimes it gets confusing and overwhelming.

Your support is precious!

[desirae]

An abuser, a predator, have a sneaky conniving way of manipulating the ones they abuse into thinking that they are some how at fault. I tell you what, it don't matter if you were 35, you were the one who was victimized and violated.....it don't matter if you walked around in your under wear....there's absolutely no excuse for a person to violate you! You are not in fault whatsoever...so please sympathize with yourself...try to understand from a different perspective.

[Twisted_Soul]

Thanks for all the support and helping me think about it all.
I am working through my issue about "12 and knowing right from wrong" in T.
I think it comes down to Forgiveness of myself. Allowing myself to say, Hey, I am not to blame. I am innocent.
But, I have not made it fully there to that point yet.

[JustBen]

Do you know any 12 year old girls? If something like this happened to them, can you think of [i]any/i] circumstances where you'd judge them to be at fault instead of the abuser?

It's hard to look back and see yourself at age 12 without projecting your adult self into that situation, but sometimes it helps to look at others...helps me to think clearly, anyway.