[Sila]

(Set trigger icon just in case it brings back memories for anyone..Mentions child abuse/sexual abuse)

I don't really know where to go. For years I've pushed down the abuse I went through as a child and shut it away, pretending it never bothered me. I went through counseling for years but every counselor I saw I lied to, I said I never remembered anything. I couldn't trust and I wasn't ready to talk...From 4 years old up to 16 yrs old.

I have one vivid memory of going to some kind of church thing many years ago...A support group of some sort maybe. I really don't remember what it was. But we were encouraged to let loose our emotions and cry if we wanted to. I hadn't cried over the past abuse/what it did to me, in years. And I really remember it feeling like I could finally get 'over' it at the end. It felt good to finally let it out.

But I pushed it beneath me again, and now years later, I'm 21 and I'm faced with so many issues that I feel I could relate back to the abuse. I'm still terrified of men. I have attachment issues where I attach too easily to some people but not at all to others...And I'm afraid to have issues in my relationship because of it. I don't feel like I ever really "got over it", I never had the chance to really heal from it. He poured salt in the wound on my birthday years after it happened, by sending a nasty birthday card that basically belittled me and made it seem like my attempts at living life were less important than him. I lied to my mom and told her I didn't care but really, I was devastated.

But I do care and I'm not sure how much this could be playing into my social anxiety today. I don't necessarily fear people judging me, nor do I really fear a repeat of the abuse in some random person. But I'm afraid of people, it's confusing. I keep repressing the thoughts because I know they make me cry and I get upset, and no one wants to see me upset. Especially not my mom. She doesn't know how to comfort me. But I realized just a bit ago that I'm still holding it all inside...just buried deep beneath everything. I realized this as my mom was on the phone with his sister...And they asked if there'd be any chance of me wanting to see him again. To which of course my answer was heck no.. But I nearly broke down then and there at the simple mention of him.

I don't really know what to do with all this. I could mention it to my therapist, who only briefly knows that I went through childhood sexual abuse when I was 4. I don't remember if I told her that it was my own dad who did it to me. I remember telling her the truth, that I never got anywhere with all the counseling because I refused to open up. I joked about it y'know, but inside I think it's still something that needs to be "resolved". But what would resolution bring? What more can be done about something that happened so far in the past? (17 yrs ago).

[Gadgetsmile]

I'm 5 years older than you and still haven't worked through the abuse I went through. I have tried a few times but it was either limited sessions or I didn't connect with the therapist. I know I still have a lot to work on.
I don't think it is resolution you need but you do need to open up and get it out. It will help in the long run. I have worked on some of it and now those things don't bother me as much. Your T will be able to connect the dots and do some work on how you feel about it now, and how that has shaped some of your behaviours. I had a really good T who helped me so much in such a short time, just 20 sessions. If you can open up to your T more, you might find that you start to feel better about it.

[Sila]

After a day of mulling it all around in my head, I've been able to finally put to words what I'm feeling...It's so odd though. I'm emotionally upset by it, but physically I'm numb I guess. I'd rather be feeling it than be numb.

When I was in counseling as a child I remember shutting down whenever I was asked how I felt about the abuse, or about my dad being gone, etc. I ended up changing the subject and talking about whatever was easier- at the time that was playing with Uno cards or something else. I often avoided the topic because it was too hard to talk about, and I never felt I could trust any of my counselors. I lost track of how many counselors I had.

Fast forward to now, and I had almost convinced myself that I put it behind for good, that it didn't hurt anymore and I escaped unscathed. I thought I had won the inner battle, basically. But now that it feels like my friend betrayed my trust and abandoned me, it opened up the wounds again. I'm terrified of being abandoned by people, especially once I get to know them and love them. It brings me back to all the times I've been abandoned by people who I trusted...namely my dad who broke every bit of trust I ever had in him. (And then proceeded to figuratively rip my heart apart again when he sent me a birthday card on my 16th. It basically told me that writing him letters back was more important than me struggling to keep myself sane in school, on top of trying to learn how to make friends and keep my grades up. That's a whole other story..)

However, I'm nervous about bringing it up to my therapist. I don't want to break down in her room. I don't know what I "need" to be focusing on. I suppose working on one thing will eventually help the others too, but if I was referred for social anxiety then shouldn't i work on social anxiety and not this? Confused and I don't understand therapy still so it's tough on me.. ;-;

[Sila]

I feel like I just need someone to talk to who's been there and knows what it's like. Someone who can help calm my worries about the therapy appts until I get there and until I develop the trust that I need.

[Gadgetsmile]

Bless you.

I think what you need to focus on with t is whatever is bothering you at the time.
I wouldn't worry too much about breaking down Infront of your t. They are there to help. You might have been referred for anxiety, but this is the cause, if you don't sort the cause you are only sticking a plaster over it. If that makes sense.
I do the same thing when I talk about something smaller, easier to manange talking about. Namely my mother. It's easier to talk about her beating me than the stuff with the lads.

Just remember that your t is there to help you.

If you ever want to talk PM me.

[Sila]

Originally Posted by Gadgetsmile

Bless you.

I think what you need to focus on with t is whatever is bothering you at the time.
I wouldn't worry too much about breaking down Infront of your t. They are there to help. You might have been referred for anxiety, but this is the cause, if you don't sort the cause you are only sticking a plaster over it. If that makes sense.
I do the same thing when I talk about something smaller, easier to manange talking about. Namely my mother. It's easier to talk about her beating me than the stuff with the lads.

Just remember that your t is there to help you.

If you ever want to talk PM me.

Thank you. <3 That makes a bit more sense really. I don't know what's causing the anxiety, but I dunno if we'd be able to ever really figure it out. I'm not even worried about the cause (though it'd be nice to find out), I just want it to lessen. I don't like feeling like this, y'know. I'll be emailing her something ahead of time and I'll leave it up to her to help me talk about it since I dont know how to. .-.

Thank you for the help and the offer. <3 I might PM you later, Im doing alright since it's day out but usually night time is when my mood falls bad.

[Big Mama]

Sila,
Hey. Sorry to hear this is happening to you. I had an abusive situation come up 20 years + ago. I am just now working on it. It is difficult and night time is so much worse. I guess there is so much to take your mind off of things in the day. Night time is dark and lonely. I wish you the best. Find a T you like and eventually you'll built some trust.
It is hard for some of us to trust and risk being hurt. It's difficult for us to talk about the past but it does get better. I have a long way to go. You have a long way to go to. We can help each other. Thinkgoodness we all have good friends here at PC. I personally don't know what I would do w/ out everyone.

[Gadgetsmile]

Originally Posted by Sila

Thank you. <3 That makes a bit more sense really. I don't know what's causing the anxiety, but I dunno if we'd be able to ever really figure it out. I'm not even worried about the cause (though it'd be nice to find out), I just want it to lessen. I don't like feeling like this, y'know. I'll be emailing her something ahead of time and I'll leave it up to her to help me talk about it since I dont know how to. .-.

Thank you for the help and the offer. <3 I might PM you later, Im doing alright since it's day out but usually night time is when my mood falls bad.

Even if it's not the past that is causing the anxiety it can't help matters.
I get the not wanting to feel like you do. It's a brave step to open up to your T.
I really wish you the best of luck.
Night time always seems so hard. You don't have to pm me, it was just a thought if you wanted to talk about the therapy thing, or anything really. Don't feel like you have to. But I normally come on here and check it out quite a bit.

[Gretchen]

Hi Sila

I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. I also suffer from the after effects of childhood sexual assault. Please continue to post and share with your therapist your feelings. It really does help to keep trying to let it out. I've seen therapist for over 25 years and have found that different stages of my life really triggered me alot. From personal experience I can tell you that stuffing it down only works for a little while before it starts bubbling back up. Like currently I'm back to therapy from stuffing and it has blown up in my face to the point of fears of suicide again.

You deserve to heal, please know that. Take gentle care...

[Sila]

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I really needed it. I debated about sending her the email with the run down of what's going on, but I finally did it. I sent it. It took me longer than it needed, but it's done, and I can rest until later tonight.

Here's hoping it goes over well.

[Gadgetsmile]

Well done for sending the email, it must have been hard.

[Sila]

Back from therapy, feeling so much better tonight too. I forget just how understanding she actually is. She encourages me to write my feelings and thoughts out throughout the week and email them to her. She even understood when I told her that I really need her to help structure the therapy with me, I can't just go in blind because then I'll not get anything done. So we're working on goals, she thinks me working on the social anxiety primarily will be the most important thing, then a few other things on the side but whenever they come up. (Learning to accept emotions and learning how to handle them instead of detaching, learning to not be dependent on others emotionally but rather enjoy the give and takes of relationships/friendships, etc).

Productive day overall and I'm glad. She's also very sensitive and wants us to work together when things get rough, and if we hit a topic I can't talk about right then and there, we can move on to a different topic together.

My homework for the week is to identify as many personal triggers as I can, especially for my anxiety. This will be a very hard week but hopefully helpful. Thank you everyone for your support. <3 I appreciate it (and my therapist is glad that I'm reaching out to others for support too and that I've found people online I can relate to and talk to comfortably!)

[Gretchen]

I'm so glad you emailed your therapist. I also have to write down notes all during the week and hand the paper to him because I freak out and can't talk when I'm in his office. It works really well because alot of the stuff that really bothers me is forgotten by the time my appointment rolls around.

[Big Mama]

I'm so glad your appointment went well. Your T sounds very supportive. Good luck this week. Holler if you need us. We are all here to support one another.