[Zinny]

Heya guys.
Just wondering if anyone has any tips or hints on how to deal with older brothers who get physical. I don't like calling it abuse because I have never been left badly hurt, but have been left in pain and with bruises after one of our arguements.
I have been trying to not talk back and to keep my head down as to not get in trouble with him.
things are better than they used to be, I don't fear that he will snap and badly hurt me much anymore. But things used to get bad enough that i couldn't handle it.

So my questions are, Any tips/hints on how to move forward and not let the past haunt me. (I get panic attacks a bit)
And is there anyway that i can help him? I don't want him to hurt anyone else and get in trouble..

:/

[skeksi]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this worry, and with being banged up by your brother.

Do your parents know that he gets aggressive with you? How do they respond? Are you left to deal with it on your own?

Are your panic attacks related specifically to the fights with your brother, or other events, too?

[Zinny]

I have talked to my mum a few times, and ran out of home one night a few years back after a fight, so mum knows to an extent.. Me and my dad dont talk about those things.
They tell him he cant hit me and thats it.

Um panic attacks are anything and everything.. Being around two many people, too loud of areas, surrounded by males, or sometimes it feels like nothing triggers it :/
and some relate to my bro

[GirlOfManyFaces]

I get those exact panic attacks! I'm terrified of men especially.

I'm sorry about your brother. I hope you can help him.

I understand how oh feel. My father is like your brother. Very "physical" and argumentative.

Talk to me if you need anything <3 I'll support you

[Sannah]

Are you a minor or adult? I'm really sorry that you have had to deal with this. You deserve to have a safe home.

[Zinny]

as of today an adult, just turned 18
and thanks guys

[skeksi]

You're 18, but you do still live at home with brother, correct?

Do you think you could talk to your mum and explain that even though they say not to hit you, he continues? One things that might help you feel more secure is a safety plan--like, "if he starts yelling, I am allowed to (leave the house, lock myself in a safe room, call mum and dad) and if he hits me, his consequence will be ____________ (lose car privileges, etc.). It's unfortunate that you have to be the one to ask your parents to enforce basic boundaries like your physical safety.

I think if you get your feelings about this out in your family so everyone knows how it affects you, you will feel relieved--even if they don't respond as positively as we might hope. You have a right to express your fears, and you have a right to be protected.

It might also help if you set boundaries for yourself, too. Like, "I will (stay at a friend's for the night, call the police, etc.) if he hits me again." Having a plan for what to do can help me feel more in control and less afraid.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by Zinny

Heya guys.
Just wondering if anyone has any tips or hints on how to deal with older brothers who get physical. I don't like calling it abuse because I have never been left badly hurt, but have been left in pain and with bruises after one of our arguements.
I have been trying to not talk back and to keep my head down as to not get in trouble with him.
things are better than they used to be, I don't fear that he will snap and badly hurt me much anymore. But things used to get bad enough that i couldn't handle it.

So my questions are, Any tips/hints on how to move forward and not let the past haunt me. (I get panic attacks a bit)
And is there anyway that i can help him? I don't want him to hurt anyone else and get in trouble..

:/

I'm sorry but that is abuse. Just the fact that you feel that you have to head your head down shows that. Is there anyway you can get away from him? p.s. Its not your job to help him--you need to help yourself; I understand that you dont want it to happen to anyone else, but you cant save him.

Forget helping him ... And shame on your parents for condoning this abuse.

Save yourself.

If that means leaving him and home behind so be it.

Save yourself.

Don't wait until you're 33.5 years of age like I did.

Save yourself.

Get a professional counselor, a good support group/network, and get the heck out now.

Save yourself.

It isn't easy, but it is doable.

Save yourself.

,
Pfrog!

[Zinny]

If i could leave home i would. and i dont want people to think he is some horrible person, He can be so sweet and protective too.. He just has these moments where he isnt my brother and turns into someone else.

I think Mum gets it better than Dad, So she lets me go out when i need to and she understands i struggle being at home sometimes, and cannot deal with him.

It's hard to explain he hasn't hit me hard enough or used a closed fist on me for a long time, now days its more of just poking me in the arm for ages hard, or pushing me around... Compared to alot of people it's nothing, so i feel bad for complaining you know?

And well i just think he might have some mental illness or something. you know, and well if i can try get him help it might make him happier and less easy to become angry

[Sannah]

This must make you walk on eggshells in your own home. Not feeling safe in your own home can really mess with your emotional health.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by Zinny

If i could leave home i would. and i dont want people to think he is some horrible person, He can be so sweet and protective too.. He just has these moments where he isnt my brother and turns into someone else.

I think Mum gets it better than Dad, So she lets me go out when i need to and she understands i struggle being at home sometimes, and cannot deal with him.

It's hard to explain he hasn't hit me hard enough or used a closed fist on me for a long time, now days its more of just poking me in the arm for ages hard, or pushing me around... Compared to alot of people it's nothing, so i feel bad for complaining you know?

And well i just think he might have some mental illness or something. you know, and well if i can try get him help it might make him happier and less easy to become angry

THAT IS STILL ABUSE!!! And, as I said, you can't save him--that's not your job. YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE! If he is treating you that way, HE IS a horrible person! One common factor in abusers is that they have moments when they are sweet, charming, etc, and that is why they get away with it for so long. YOu are an adult now, so there is no reason why you cant leave. Find a shelter, ask a friend to help you out or something--BUT GET OUT OF THERE! It is not up to you to get him help!!!! He has to do that for himself. Take that energy you're using to "save him," and instead use it to save yourself.

[skeksi]

{{{Zinny}}}

If i could leave home i would. and i dont want people to think he is some horrible person, He can be so sweet and protective too.. He just has these moments where he isnt my brother and turns into someone else.

I understand. He can be your brother who you love, and what he does when he is angry can still be wrong. I understand that you feel like you need to defend him--that's what we do with people we love. He can be basically good and still be hurtful, even abusive, to you at times.

I think Mum gets it better than Dad, So she lets me go out when i need to and she understands i struggle being at home sometimes, and cannot deal with him.

I'm glad it feels like your mom gets it, a little. Can you have a conversation with her about your fears of your brother? Can you ask her to help you develop a safety plan for when he gets out of control?

It's hard to explain he hasn't hit me hard enough or used a closed fist on me for a long time, now days its more of just poking me in the arm for ages hard, or pushing me around... Compared to alot of people it's nothing, so i feel bad for complaining you know?

The fact of the matter is, if you do not want to be poked or pushed, you have a right to be free of it. You have the right to be left alone. We all do.

And well i just think he might have some mental illness or something. you know, and well if i can try get him help it might make him happier and less easy to become angry

You are a compassionate sister. Perhaps this is one way you can raise the issue with your mom? This might be a way in to the conversation. If your family goes for therapy together, your brother's difficulties can come out into the open--and so can the effect of his actions on you.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by shortandcute

THAT IS STILL ABUSE!!! And, as I said, you can't save him--that's not your job. YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE! If he is treating you that way, HE IS a horrible person! One common factor in abusers is that they have moments when they are sweet, charming, etc, and that is why they get away with it for so long. YOu are an adult now, so there is no reason why you cant leave. Find a shelter, ask a friend to help you out or something--BUT GET OUT OF THERE! It is not up to you to get him help!!!! He has to do that for himself. Take that energy you're using to "save him," and instead use it to save yourself.

of course, i know what i suggested is easier said than done. i think sheksi is right; it's only natural for you to want to help your brother

[Zinny]

Not sure what i want to do right now.
I am looking for a job so i can save up enough to move out.

I have mixed feelings about him tonight, i asked a simple questions and he wouldnt give me a straight answer (I am terribly snappy right now, i stopped taking my meds, gotta start up again)
So i asked him to give me a straight answer and stop being a *&$(#

Well long story short it didnt go down to well, he slapped me. I told him not to raise a hand against me. he said what are you going to do about it... Mum was home are should of heard the whole thing.
I just walked off, i cant defend myself if i ever hit back i get it worse..

And i have a friend over so i am trying my best to keep myself from completely breaking down.
My chest is closing up a bit. trying to calm down again >:/

Trust me i will get out of the place when i can.

[Sannah]

Yeah, I don't see you being able to change him.

[Zinny]

I am starting to agree.
Next step is trying to have a serious talk with my Mum.
He was being plain rude to a guest we had today, and to myself.
I spent the weekend away just so i didnt have to deal with him..

Yup time for action i think. just scared sh*&less to do so

[Sannah]

Good luck and keep us updated.

If you are both adults, you can call the police. So let him know when you are calm and not arguing that next time he strikes you, you will call the police. He does not get to hit you. I know this seems impossible, but it isn't. When I was 17, one of my teachers found out about the abuse at home, and told me I could live with her and she would let me finish high school in the same school district and make sure that I got to college. The time time my mother went to hit me, I told both my parents that they could not hit me anymore. I had somewhere to go, and I WOULD leave and take my little sister with me. The hitting stopped instantly and neither of them ever hit me again.

[Zinny]

He hit Mum today, he said he only smacked her. but she said she doesn't care and that he isn't to do it.

I can't call the cops on him unless he is literally beating the crap out of me or someone, it doesn't seem worth it over something small..
I finally got a full time job, i might have to put my dreams/ goals on hold so i can move out soon :/