Blindsided by abuse memories

This is my first revealing post. I am almost forty-nine, and up until now I have remembered before and after the sexual assaults from my father. I did have flashbacks, many years ago, but I had gotten kind of used to the idea of not remembering the rapes (there, I said it) themselves. Several weeks ago, I started remembering. My legs began cycling in bed, to get away. I felt the panic, and saw him. For awhile, this seemed to bring some relief, but again, it seems like I keep re-living it. I am looking for a T who takes Medicare. But oh my God how I am suffering. I think the heat and my fanancial worries are pressing the wounds, but I want a better life.

(((((( Pmarie )))))))
I know what you are going through.
I have been having horrible flashbacks lately also.
Im sorry that you have to go through this pain.
Im glad you finally said what you needed to.
I want a better life too, but all we can do is fix the one we have.
We are here for you.
PM me for anything!
-Megan-

PMarie...I am sorry you are suffering..I do hope that you can find a T soon..someone who will guide and be supportive and help ease your suffering..but until then and even after..please post and let us know how we can help..or if you just need someone to listen..there are alot of ppl here that can empathize with the suffering issue..and some even with the healing..there is hope PMarie...and you are care for here...

((((safe hugs)))) I'm sorry you are suffering through these memories. One positive note on this... the brain usually doesn't begin to bring them up for processing until you are ready... this means you are healing. I know it must be unbelieveably tough! Another thing, if you can remember, you are safe now, they are memories, and as horrible as they are, they aren't happening now. (((hug))) I hope you don't feel bad for finally saying it... I hope you find a T soon. TC

Pmarie, oh you are doing so well! This is hard hard work, but, like Sky said, "it" doesn't reveal itself til you are strong enough to deal with "it". Whatever "it" is.

Getting the uglies out of yourself and into consciousness is like draining a boil. OwOwOw at the lancing, OwOwOw at the draining, but AhAhAh at the relief of letting go.....

Everybody here has been through "it" one way or another. Or is going through "it" one way or another. Survivors are tuff. Healing survivors are miracles. Welcome aboard.

Sky made some excellent points there.

my thoughts are with you Pmarie, as i know the harshness of it all. You have done the right thing by admitting what happened, one of THE biggest steps in recovery is accepting it, and by coming on here and saying it out loud takes a huge amount of courage and bravery, and i think you'll find things will seem ever so slightly easier now you've spoken out about it.
Well done, i am proud of you for that. it is really hard.

I just want you to know you have vast amounts of support here for you from people who have experienced similar traumas.

Good luck with it all, and pm me if you feel you need a chat.

Take care of yourself and yourself only through this harsh stage. and as Sky said, you are now ready to face it, your body and mind are strong, strong enough to deal with this now. just go with it as you are.

Dear everyone, Thank you so much for your kind replies. Those horrible feelings have subsided, for now. Everything everone had to say was like a lightbulb. Too many for me to quote. It wasn't so bad to say it; oops. just had a sweet remembrance of kindergarten come up. School was a good place for me. Remembering feels like I am reclaiming myself, because even though they are negative, they do belong to me, and I have been missing them for years. It is like being up in the attic, in the dark, and there is furniture up there, shrouded. I cannot see them but their shapes are there just the same.

Pmarie, im glad to hear you're feeling better today, everything seems better when its in the open doesnt it?

memories are good things to have, material objects come and go in our lives, as do people, but we will always have memories. and whether we like it or not, our past is what makes us NOW so yes, they do belong to you.

lets just hope you find the light switch in the attic, and fill your world with light, lots of it.

stay strong.

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Pmarie said:
Those horrible feelings have subsided, for now. Everything everone had to say was like a lightbulb. Too many for me to quote. It wasn't so bad to say it; oops. just had a sweet remembrance of kindergarten come up. School was a good place for me. Remembering feels like I am reclaiming myself,

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You are right, you are reclaiming yourself.

Do not be surprised if little flashes of memory come up. like your kindergarten

Other odd things will drift through your consciousness, things which you know happened but forgot a long time ago. Innocent, even silly little memories will surface, because they have also been buried with the pain.

let them come up, and float around, and disappear again of their own accord.

You are reclaiming yourself Yes.