[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I finally sent my brother the email. Now I'm freaking out. I'm all shaky and uncomfortable and anxious and uuuuughhh...

Here's the email I sent

I have been having a hard time dealing with things from the past. When you came back into town it caused an emotional breakdown. I spent years trying to ignore what happened when we were kids, trying to convince myself that it was just a dream so when you came back I nearly had a nervous breakdown. It was bad.

I think mentally it would be best for me if I could have some distance. And unfortunately that would include the wedding. I can't have reminders of the past I'm trying to overcome on the day I'm starting my future.

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about and I don't want to cause a riff in the family so I'd prefer you make up an excuse for not attending the wedding so we don't have to go into details with everyone or anyone.

If you haven't gone to therapy for this since high school I'd suggest going to therapy. It really helps put everything into perspective


I'm bugging out now.

[Sannah]

Good work! Do you understand what exactly is upsetting you about this? Are you afraid of upsetting him? Afraid of confrontation?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm afraid of everything, afraid of denial, afraid of him admitting, afraid to upset him, afraid to hurt him (or anyone for that matter)

But I already got a response and it was much worse than I'd thought it would be, much worse than I was afraid. He said

"Yea Ben made me do things.when he taped it. I tried.to ignore it All these years, I respect your.decision
I've wanted to talk about it because I was young too and I got beat for it. I didn't know what was happening. I'm ****ed up over.this.for 20 years
And he used.to kiss me.in my room
I won't ever come.around you, mom or.Brian again"

I have blackouts from my past but Ben was a serious abusive ex of my moms, he beat us all the time and it got to the weird stage at times too. But I have always had blackouts and blacked out a lot of his abuse, pretty much all of it. So I don't know if my brother is being truthful or not. If he wanted to deny it it seems like he would have just denied it.

Now I don't know what to do. WTH do I do?

[Sannah]

I don't think that you have to do anything. You asked him not to come and he is complying.

[skeksi]

You were super brave to send your email. I am proud of you.

The information he gave you--it's information. You don't have to change your mind or interact with him knowing all this. It's your choice.

If you are still working with a T, this would be excellent information to share with T. If not--well, this is the kind of thing a T can help you with, whenever you are ready to think about it (after the wedding, perhaps). If he was also a victim, it doesn't change the fact that he victimized you. It might give you a more complete picture, and if you are ready someday you might have feelings about that. But if you aren't able to yet, or at all--that's okay, too.

You took a stand, and that is a good thing.

[shezbut]

Kudos to you PFM!

I think that you did a wonderful job at putting your feelings across to your brother in an open and honest way. Rather than tip-toeing around, nor were you offensive. Good job!

Regarding your brother's quick response to you, I can understand how you might be feeling even more emotional now. That is understandable.

Your brother did understand what you were requesting for your wedding, and he is respecting that in your honor. I'd recommend focusing on that aspect of his message to you. After all, you have a lot going on with wedding plans. Lots of little things to think about, plan for, etc. Try to just stay present in the moment. Weddings are beautiful, joyous occasions ~ a big beginning of your new life; where that truly becomes your main focal point.

Other family members and friends are still a part of your life afterwards, yes, but not to the same extent. There is a significant difference. That's special. To me, it was a relief to let go of my family! lol

These are all issues that you can bring up in T ~ now or after the wedding. Your choice. Gentle hugs to you & best wishes on your upcoming wedding!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Now that I have time, here's the convo we had. Lots of SA triggers to be careful reading

Me: I have been having a hard time dealing with things from the past. When you came back into town it caused an emotional breakdown. I spent years trying to ignore what happened when we were kids, trying to convince myself that it was just a dream so when you came back I nearly had a nervous breakdown. It was bad.
I think mentally it would be best for me if I could have some distance. And unfortunately that would include the wedding. I can't have reminders of the past I'm trying to overcome on the day I'm starting my future.
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about and I don't want to cause a riff in the family so I'd prefer you make up an excuse for not attending the wedding so we don't have to go into details with everyone or anyone.
If you haven't gone to therapy for this since high school I'd suggest going to therapy. It really helps put everything into perspective

I hate to go over all of this when you're in such a bad place and I'm sorry you're going through so much, but unfortunately things are bad mentally for me right now and I've really got to look out for my mental state for Elaines sake at least

Him: Yea Ben made me do things.when he taped it. I tried.to ignore it All these years, I respect your.decision
I've wanted to talk about it because I was young too and I got beat for it. I didn't know what was happening. I'm ****ed up over.this.for 20 years
And he used.to kiss me.in my room
I won't ever come.around you, mom or.Brian again

Him: Do you want to talk about.it before you cut. Me out of your life?

Me: I need time to process what you said in the first post. What do you mean? What happened with Ben and a camera?

Him: Everything stopped when he left
I don't know if there was a camera
But he would watch movies
Then tell me what was happening
I went to therapy when mom net Gabe

Me: What did Ben do? I remember the therapy but what exactly would Ben do?

Him: For 20 years I tried.to pretend.it was fake
When you just messages be it.became real
I can't even kiss my own kids

Me: Well what did Ben do?

Him: It was Gale too

Me: I'm sorry to be so blunt, I've only started dealing with this this past year after I had the seizure. I haven't said anything to mom or Brian, you don't need to stay away from them, that's not my purpose in bringing this up. I just need to work through it on my own, it's been hard just to admit it

Him: Yea I'm damaged.too
But.not.like you
Ben wasn't.the.worst
Gale was

Me: We all are pretty screwed up, if you need time to think about it before you say what happened that's fine. I just need some time too to process everything

Him: I was like six and started doing what was done to be
Me
Well I'm not a monster
I'm not deranged
I know what's right and wrong

Me: I kinda figured that. Kids do what they see or experience

Him: When I knew what was wrong it ended
That's why I alienate myself

Me: The issue isn't that, the reason I need space is I need to deal with it on my time and when you came back it brought on everything I've been trying to ignore and I need to be able to deal with it on my time and not so fast

Him: I really wanted to come to your wedding but I understand completely

Me: Did mom know? When you went to therapy did she know why?

Him: Hell no
I just wanted to end my life
I started.eating glass

Me: I didn't think so and I'd rather she not, she would more than likely blame herself

Him: Yes she already blames herself

Me: Have you considered going back to therapy and telling them about it? It really helps.

Him: No. I have issues.from war that are worse
I mean
Physical damage

Me: Therapy can help with both, I went from February to October and am finally able to confront the issues.

Him: You talking.to me took a lot.of courage

Me: What all did Ben and Gale do to you? I don't recall Gale. Did Ben know about everything too

Him: Ben watched after he made me watch porn with him

Me: I don't remember Ben being around

Him: With Gale all I remember is it being dark and my whole body felt like it was on fire
He shoved socks in ny mourn
Mouth
I never sleep with the lights.off anymore

Me: I don't even remember Gale. Just what I've heard and he was a piece of crap

Him: Ben was there at Blaire apartments
So was Gale, before Ben
There was another.brick apartment before th at

Me: I remember him being there I just don't remember him being around the other instances.
We lived in Twin Oaks after Blaire apartments but I think we lived with Grandma before Blaire Apartments

Him: I don't remember anything about grandmas

Me: Mom told me we lived with her after she left Dad until we moved to Blaire I think. Ben showed up at Blaire Apts, I have a really good memory just not when it comes to what we are discussing or Bens beatings. But I remember enough to know what happened wasn't right

Him: Ben didn't just beat
I know it wasn't right and I don't know what happened to cause it. I was so young that I was prematurely exposed and all I remember is a closet, a sock, crying and fire
I don't remember my childhood and. I think it's better that way
I could never understand.what you're going through
But I won't be at the wedding. I'll give it a year before I visit.mom

Me: Visit mom and Brian, neither of them know (I don't think Brian knows) and it's likely best that way. Don't exclude yourself from the family, I just need some time to process everything, I spent the lat 15-20 years trying to ignore it and am finally confronting it, I need time to deal with it at my pace

Me: I'd really suggest therapy as well, it's not good to ignore the problems, they don't go away and just make things much worse and much more difficult to deal with later on
I appreciate your understanding and admitting it

Him: It wasn't 15 years.ago though
That would make me 13
I was in highschool

Me: I don't remember when it was, when it started stopped or anything like that. I just remember that it happened

Him: This was in.elementsry

Me: In Main St it happened though, that's all I remember time wise

Him: No
No
Not.Main St

Me: And Ben was there in Main St too, most of the time in Main St

Him: I remember remnants
I don't remember if Main St because I was with sarah and elizabeth
It was the trailer before that

Me: THe one time I remember the most was Main St and being in my bedroom, that's the only time I remember somewhat clearly.

Him: Ok I'm sorry. I just don't remember that

Me: Grandmas was the only trailor we lived in before Main St, she moved into a trailer by Twin Oaks though when we lived at Twin Oaks for a few months

Him: It was a trailer with.Ben
We played.sega
Had a christmas

Me: I'm pretty sure the only trailer we lived in with Ben was Main St. We got the Sega in Main St, the nintendo at Blaire Apts
No,, Twin Oaks for the Nintendo
OK I was right the first time, Blaire for the Nintendo, I get the names mixed up. We moved to Main St though when I was 7
Or 6, but the second grade

Him: You remember a lot more th an me

Me: I have a really good memory, just not when it comes to certain things, I realized when I was much older I had blackouts during this time. I don't remember all of the first grade, the same year Ben moved in

Him: I didn't know what I was doing
When we left Main St I turned to drugs
It made me forget
Because I did not want to do those things

Me: I turned to drinking, but nothing fixes the problem unless you confront it head on

Him: I don't want us to never have a relationship .... But i.will wait 100 years.if you need.to

Me: Just consider therapy, and when I'm at a better place I'll leet you know if I'm ready to deal with it more, but right now I need to go at my own pace. Don't cut out mom or Brian. Thank you for understanding

Him: Ok

[picklewheeze]

This is the most inspiring post I have ever read on here.

Every single hat I own is off to you, you've got BOLLOCKS beyond belief. I really respect everything you've done and said here.

I havent followed you're entire story, but I can get some of the jist.

I'm really really jealous and I know how hard it can be with other siblings involved in abuse.

My brother is four years older than me. We both had our fair share of ****, dont get me wrong. We both had to deal with my Dads anger and my Mums outbursts of mania and suicide ideation. We both got passed around to anyone who gave a ****, but things were different. The older we got, the more things changed. I always looked up to my brother, I trusted him with anything. He was my saviour on so many occasions it actually makes me really upset just thinking about it, I've lost him now.

As we got older, things got worse. I was sexually abused by my cousin. She used to abuse me herself, she made her younger brother try and f--k me. It was disgusting. Its all a real blur and I cant remember so much of it still. I dont remember my brothers involvment, he definitely wasnt there all the time. I do remember him having to watch once. He just look horrified, I was with the boy at the time and just lying there looking to the side (like I always did) and taking what ever he did.

One day, my brother tried a few things with me. He was not forceful in anyway. But it was still disgusting and horrible HE WAS MY BROTHER FOR F--K SAKE. One day he pushed his penis into my back and asked me if it felt big. I dont even know what Ianswered, I remember it so vividly. He was quite old by then.

I was hospitilized when I was 14 for repeated suicide attempts. I was about to be discharged when I completely broke down. I told one of the nurses about what had happened with my brother and my male cousin. I never mentioned the main abuser. I didnt know how to. Everything I ever read was about males abusing, I didnt understand what she had done to me was abuse. Im still not really sure I do.

My brother didnt deny it, he just said he was hurt and he 'didnt remember' anything. He hugged me and we acted like everything was fine. But its never been the same. He feels awkward around me and wont touch me and I dont want him near me or to touch me. We rarely speak and if we do its just like we're an awkward friendship, not the brother and sister we were.

I feel like he's the key to unlock SO many of the memories in my past. But I just cant ask him or reach out to him because he just doesnt want to know. I dont blame him.

I just want to get better.

I do NOT know your situation, but I would just say be careful. You and your brother have both been through A LOT and that makes relationships difficult. Just if I were in your shoes, I wouldnt want to lose him. But I'm not, there your shoes and you chose the path you walk. I just thought I'd put it out there.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you for your repsonse, it was so kind, and thank you for being brave and sharing.

I was just as close with my brother as you say about your brother. I looked up to him, he protected me from the brother who would physically abuse me.

The older I got the more uncomfortable it was to be around him, because I hadn't dealt with it before. I still was somewhat close but got nervous around him. It all got bad and topped off when he moved back to our state.

I don't think I necessarily want to lose him as a brother years down the road. And after the discussion with my brother and talking with my fiance, even my fiance says that I don't necessarily need to cut him out for good, but for now I need my space.

It makes me sad to think that my brother wont be at our wedding but I know what will happen if he goes. I will be consumed with memories I try to push away and guilt and everything else imaginable on my wedding day. I haven't ever dealt with it, and I can't be rushed to deal with it so he can be able to attend the wedding.

I'm mixed up, when you go through so much horrible abuse with your siblings, you develop this bond, you understand why they are the way they are more than anyone else because you were there too. I feel do bad, but for once in my life I am putting my foot down on my guilt and I'm looking out for my best interest, for my mental and physical health. I can't afford another breakdown, my daughter never needs to see me like that again.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

He hasn't been on facebook in two days, since that conversation happened.

He's been in a really difficult spot lately, I'm kinda freaked out he did something stupid and that's why he hasn't been on facebook.

[picklewheeze]

You're right. You shouldnt feel any guilt or anything. You're number one and whats right for you is right for you.

Whatever happens for either of you, its just what was meant to be.

You are clearly a VERY strong person. You have survived a lot. You have some really good things in your life now and a lot to look forward today. Its your wedding day, if you don't want him there thats completely understandable.

You see it happen all the time, at my Nans funeral my cousins (others not abusive) werent allowed because of a load of issues with their father, my uncle. It saved a lot of arguments and at the end of the day it was my Nans day, not theirs for a squabble.

You'll get there. Good luck with everything I hope it all goes well for you.

Whatever happens, happens for a reason. You'll get there.

[picklewheeze]

It does sound like youre the doing the best thing, sorting yourself out before oyu try to mend your relationship with him.

With some luck he might start therapy too and you can eventually be drawn back together. But if he doesn't I suppose you can only respect that decision and make your own on how you want to deal with that.

[skeksi]

PFM, you did a great job in that conversation. You were very clear about what you need, and even reassured him that he could continue his relationship with the rest of the family. I am so impressed with how you asserted your needs in this situation.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you all.

I am so confused by this. Part of me wants and needs to know what he knows, another part of me doesn't know if he's being honest.

If you read the message exchange...

We moved into Main St when I was in the second grade (making me 7 years old and him 11) he said it did not happen at Main St, that it happened with Ben, but when Ben came around we moved with Ben to Main St.

He said it stopped when Ben left, which would have been when I was 9 and he was 13, but then he said it ended when Gale came which would mean I was 11 and he was 15. He didn't go to therapy until he was 15. I hate the blackouts, I know they are there to protect me but I really should know who I can trust and who I can't trust.

He also started the convo with the mention of "he taped it" but then he retracted and said it was just movies he had to watch. I don't remember Ben being there when it happened but I do remember being made to leave my room so I don't know if that's true or not because I don't remember details only that I had to remove my clothes and leave my bedroom.

Ben would make us do things and then beat us after so I can believe when he said that. But he said it started when Ben came around and after Donnie when he was 6, that means I would have been 2 when it started. And it didn't stop until I was at least 9, possibly 11. I only remember a couple instances, I guess after a couple my mind knew when to black me out.

My brother mentioned above and the one who was physically abusive always say "You had it so much worse when we were kids" but if my memory serves me right, we both went through the same abuse for the most part, only difference was that they targeted me too. I don't know why they always say I had it so much worse.

But they were the ones who found out what happened during a horrible blackout when I was a teen before I found out, and they didn't tell me for over a year.

I need to know if he's telling the truth and if so, what else happened? If he thinks him being ra**d by an adult man when he was 6 was not worse than what I went through, wth did I go through that I'm not remembering?

Memories can get fuzzy so I could use that as an excuse for why his story doesn't completely add up, but I don't want to make excuses, I just want to know the truth. And part of me thinks he's telling the truth. When you consider how many boys NEVER tell when they are molested or rap*d by a grown man, out of shame guilt or whatever it is that stops them, it doesn't seem like he would willingly say that.

And he had to learn it somewhere.

When I was seeing my t over the summer he said I'd had one of the most abusive childhoods he'd ever encountered, how much worse could it get?

I just want the flipping truth!

[skeksi]

If your brother remembers something different, that doesn't mean that what he remembers is "correct" and what you remember is "incorrect." The tricky thing about memory is that each of our brains each constructs it, so even a non-traumatic event can be perceived differently by two people. Add in trauma, and it's confusing.

I do suggest that if you talk to this brother to further learn about his memories and to try to corroborate or expand your own, that you do it with a T who can help you and is looking out for you, so to speak.

[Leed]

Wow, I TOTALLY respect and ADMIRE you for your courage and honesty!!! You've got no idea how you have undoubtedly helped thousands of people on these forums!!! It took so much courage to put this out there!

And bless your brothers heart too !!! He could have just denied the whole thing, but he willingly and honestly admitted it. You both are wonderful people!

God bless you both! I pray that therapy will heal your brother -- and I see that therapy is doing YOU a world of good! This is a shining example of how therapy DOES work, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart of posting this. We all recommend therapy, but THIS is the ultimate in showing how therapy REALLY works!

God bless and please take care! Big hugs, Lee

[picklewheeze]

I agree with skeksi.

Memories are very confusing as it is. Like skeksi mentioned, people remember things differently for all sorts of reasons. Theres also a theory called barletts reconstruction theory he draws upon which basically means when telling a story, we will never remeember every single detail, so our brain creates details to fill the gaps in order for the story to make sense. Its a bit like a chinese whisper effect especially in rumours and stuff. You and your brother may have slight deviations that further down the line are now clear differences in your own versions of events. This doesnt mean either of you is right or wrong or lying, its just the way you brain works.

I totally know where you're coming from though. Me and my brother have the same problem. It can be really hard and made me feel like I was betrayed by the one person I thought I could rely on. But thesethings really hurt, and everyone reacts differently to pain.

It is very scary having gaps in your memories, trust me I know. It really scares me not being able to remember certain details. Hopefully through your therapy you will slowly and as and when you;re ready uncover some details in order to move on. I understand how this makes it very hard to know whats true and not and who to trust and believe. I just go with my gut, believe what I believe and don't rely too much on other people. But it is hard on your own.

Its atricky situation, and I can only say from my personal experience which is obviously going to be heavily biased. What I did hasn't got me anywhere to be honest, me and my brother scarcely talk, if at all. Like I said its very awkward. So maybe there was a better route to take. I'm sure you'll find out. You're a strong girl and have got through a lot, I have no doubt you'll make it through this.