[JustAPixie]

I cannot seem to escape those who are chasing me. I was raped twice in my life - once by a satanic group and then by the police officers who were supposed to help me. When ever I close my eyes I can smell death and feel their clammy hands all over me. It disgusts me. I have showered so often that my skin is raw - I just can't get rid of the dirty feeling.

The first night it happened I was drugged and it was dark, I can't really remember all their faces, but they were a group of more than 10 men using and abusing me. The things they made me actively do was horrible and I can't seem to forgive myself for caving. Every guy I meet now is a potential satanist/rapist. I fear the world and can't go outside anymore. If it was only sex i might have been able to handle it, but it was so much more... I can't even think it. I've been seeing my T for more than a year and I still can't bring myself to tell him any of it.

I finally got the courage to talk to someone I trusted about it, but it didn't stay there. They found out that I told someone and the next thing I knew I got arrested, and that's when the second incident took place, invloving three police officers. I don't know who to trust anymore. Yesterday I found my cat poisoned with a note attached.

I can't run anymore, I'm so tired of being afraid and always looking over my shoulder. I have no privacy, somehow they follow me when I go out of the house. My world has gone mad and I don't know what to do. There is no one I can trust anymore that can help me. I can't talk to my parents about it for numerous reasons, my partner is the only person I can talk with, but he feels as helpless as I do and it upsets him too much.

When I told him about it he left me for two weeks. He is also struggling to cope with it and I don't want to burden him too much. My t is still away and only returns in september, and I just don't see the point in seeing someone else because it takes so long before you trust someone enough to talk to them.

I don't want these nightmares anymore, but I don't know how to make it stop!

[damajdancer]

((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))
I am so sorry, I really am. I have gone through rape, and other things attached to the rape, I know how you feel( not totally, but a little), and I am so sorry. I dont really know what to say except, I have been in a bad position and I never trusted anyone, and I got very low, when I finally got back up, my whole life was backwards, and messed up. You can PM me for absolutly anything.
Take very good care,
-Megan-

[wisewoman]

I don't know what to say except get on a bus, train plane and get away. Find the salvation army wherever you go andask for help. Also women's shelters. You sound very unsafe. You have the power to change that.

[JustAPixie]

I can't just leave my life and runaway. I just wish I could learn to trust people again. I'm so confused about everything right now... I don't knoe who or what I am anymore. The abuse has shaped me into something I don't want to be anymore, but I don't know how to change it, or if it's even possible! Will I always look at myself as someone who was abused? Will that always be a part of me?

listen Tanya, you have definately done the right thing by coming here. its the first step to recovery.

dont force yourself into telling your therapist, you will tell them when your sub-concious mind feels the need to, just take it slowly and dont rush anything. i undertsnad your desire to escape the reality of it. its a desperation need that you get and nothing else seems real.

i think, the best thing for you to do now, in my opinion, is to continue talking on here (you can pm me if you need anything at all, im always here for a chat), talking here to people who have similar experiences and are caring will help you. you can trust us here, no one will betray you here.
the other thing id suggest you do is to tell your parents. they will obviously be shocked initially but in time they will help you, you dont have to be alone in this. dont feel you are the "dirty" one, the abusers are the disgusting ones, not you.

i am so sorry to hear this, my thoughts are with you at this incredibly hard time, tanya. i just want you to know i care alot and im always here if you ever want a chat, you can trust me (like you can trust most people here at PsychCentral).

what you have been through is so hard, and it must leave you with tremendous levels of fear, that will seem so hard to overcome. but with time these feelings will fade.

you do need to talk to your therapist about this as they will help, but like i said, only tell them when you feel ready.

i wish you all the best Tanya, take care my friend. you are at the right place.

[desirae]

Oh gosh, I really wish I had something useful to say, something that could benefit you, but sadly I don't. All I want to say is it's a hard situation and I feel your loneliness and fear. I'm terribly sorry this happened to you, you have to be very careful okay. I just wanted to let you know, I heard you, and I'm here for support.
((((((((((((((((((TanyaGrave))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry Tanya. I don't know what to say. If you can't move away, you should also try not to isolate yourself. It is hard but you should tell your parents, and try to make a clean breast of it to your therapist. They might also help come up with a solution. Please, be strong

And these supposed police officers should be reported.

PS: Might also be worth checking if there are some groups for survivors of abuse etc. in your area you could join.

[Chalkdust]

Tanya - My name is Tobey. I don't think I have ever posted to anything you have written. I have been here for a while - you can check the name out if you like. I just don't want you to be leary of me. I am a 45 year old male. I too have been raped. This occurred when I was 40 years old...at gun point....and by a group of men. That was five years ago and I am still dealing with it. It takes a while to trust people....give yourself some time. At the time I saw a counselor but only for about four sessions. Now I am currently looking to find one who has experience in dealing with men who have been assualted. The reason I am writing to you though is because it sounds like you are also having a situation where you are stalked? My wife and I have dealt with that also from the time I was attacked. It is only recently .....going on about seven months now that they have left us alone. There is a site called: stalkingvictims.com I think it is called. It gives ways to help people who are going through this to find ways of being safe. It might be good to look at it. I have not been there in a while...if thats not the right address just type in stalking vitims and something about it will come up. I wish you the best in your recover from this.

Sincerely,
Tobey

[Chalkdust]

Tanya - I went to make sure that I gave you the right address for that site. It is called "Stalking Victims Sanctuary" but the address is stalking victims.com. Hope it helps some.

Tobey

[JustAPixie]

Thank you so much for the advice and the web address Tobey. It gives me hope to know that there are other people ine the same stuation who have survived this. I appreciate your reply more than I can say. Thank you for being so open and honest. Know that you have made a difference in my life, I don't know why, but as I read your reply I cried and I haven't cried in months. I've become emotionally "closed" and you have opened a door that I couldn't, but needed to.

Tanya

[heartspace]

Tanya, what you've gone through sounds absolutely horrific. Take your time in trusting again: remember, there are trustworthy people, but understandably it will take time for them to earn your trust. You may find some relief by telling your T that there is something you need to discuss, but you're not yet ready. that can be an important first step.
Chalkdust, your situation is similarly horrific.
You've both endured horrendous events, but are dealing wtihh it so bravely.
Safe and gentle hugs for you both if ok.

[Chalkdust]

Crying, I believe can be a blessing. I broke down about a week ago myself. Just started crying and could hardly stop. Heartspace is right I hope you can talk to your T soon...this stuff is very difficult to handle by oneself. Thats why I am looking for someone that I can go to......Hope your doing alright.

Tobey

[JustAPixie]

I'm counting the hours until my T comes back... he's only coming back on sept 12! It's turning out to be loooong month and I don't know what to do with myself. Pc really helps while I'm waiting. Thanks to all of you.

[PasDeDeux]

Hi Tanya I am sorry for all you are and have been through. It sounds horrible I cannot even find the words I would like to say to help. Can you contact your T by email or a phone call?

[JustAPixie]

Thanks for the reply PasDeDeux.
My T is not in the country until then, and I never would be able to get the guts to call him on his personal phone. I don't know why I'm so scared of that, but I'm so afraid that I might bother him or call at an inappropriate time etc. I have a lot of self esteem issues.

[JustAPixie]

Plus, my phone bill will sky-rocket if I call him now!

[PasDeDeux]

That stinks that he is out of the country Seems you need him NOW..I know when I am in a bad spot I want my T now waiting is so hard. I guess you could write to him and keep the letters till you see him. Still I wish you could see him yesterday
How are you doing? I kind of know what you mean on calling T, even when they are in town. Has he ever said it is OK to call and when and all?
SAFE HUGS

[JustAPixie]

He said I could call him anytime if it's an emergency, but I don't know what constitutes as an emergency for him. I like the idea of writing a letter to him, even if I never give it to him I can remember what I want to talk about when I see him again. Thanks Pas! PC is helping a lot while he is away.

[JustAPixie]

Thank you so much for everyone's support. My life would be really lonely if it wasn't for you all!

[PasDeDeux]

I am glad the letter idea may help some. I would think as far as an emergency it would be anything that makes you feel or be unsafe. You may want to ask T this when he gets back. To outline what and when you can call and give examples. I say when in doubt ..call