[PasDeDeux]

This may be too much for some readers please be aware THIS IS highly triggering on SA

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Tonight I woke from a dream. It had to do with some SA from my childhood. Some of the things and one person in my dream may not be true BUT I woke very .....VERY *aroused* NOT upset as a normal person would be. The nature of the dream would have most people sick and upset but not be I am very reved up and ready for action if you get my drift.

I feel like a pig and very demented. Yet I would have sex with anyone who walked in the door at this moment. I do not think I can report this to my T. Not that I do not trust him but it's very embarrassing and what I would report is vile...yet I am on this odd swing of being almost crazed. I am demented

[dalila]

<font color="green">Any person who experienced sa as a child can experience arousal from it. Our bodies were made to enjoy sex. It is in no way your fault that you became aroused. It happens. If your therapist is worth your time and money he will understand that and be able to help you to deal with it. You are not demented.</font>

[kimmydawn]

I'm so it's so hard right now. Thank you for the trigger warning.

It's times like this that I had a learned understanding of the brain and how it works, but I don't.

I can say that we have NO control nor responsibily about dreams. I can also say that I think our minds go on "overload" sometimes from things that were done to us. It's simply not our fault, but we're left to deal. I think our minds will do some pretty wild things to help it not be so bad...include viewing it differently, denying it, even dissociating it away...all things we can't control.

You were hurt. It's not your fault.

Consider telling t what you've put here without the detail? T doesn't have to know exact detail to try to help you out with this one. I told t many things without detail...

GL and please let us know what you decide.

KD

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS )))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I am sorry that your MIND is playing tricks on you, therefore, leaving you feeling worthless and sick.... YOU are NORMAL and your mind can be your friend.... in the long run.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I wouldnt shame yourself as shame only fuels behaviors that we don't like. Instead of shaming yourself, maybe you can accept yourself while changing your behavior or reactions or work on cognitively retraining yourself without the shame. Stay safe!!

[PasDeDeux]

Thank you everyone. I will respond more I hope later ...I am still reeling from this and no it's not my T or his ability or lack of it. It's ME, i don't think I can speak on something THIS DARK and embarrassing. Also how can I say it was abuse when I liked it and obviously still do

[tallison]

OMG!!! please don't condemn yourself for your bodies response to a stimulus!!! if you read Courage To Heal you will discover that it is common for survivors of sa to fantasize about rape and violence... please don't judge yourself too harshly... think about what you're dealing with and perhaps that will provide some insight as to why your body responded to your dream in the manner that it did!and it totally doesn't mean that you liked the abuse or do like it!!! it means that your body is still responsive!!!! ((((((((((((((((HUGS!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))

[PasDeDeux]

Thank you I am soon going to bed I should have hours ago. I think I have that book. Its very old if I recall. I do not think I read it.

To be honest though, I really do feel like trash because I did enjoy it when it went on and that dream reminded me how much I didn't hate the feelings

[PasDeDeux]

just

[mrb020377]

((((((((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))))))))))))

pm me if you would like to talk... i understand your pain

[PasDeDeux]

Thank you I may do that later and thanks. I feel so vile. I am also very blah today. I will take you up on that and I cannot thank you enough. All of you have been very kind and supportive

[PasDeDeux]

Still having issues with this and avoiding bed if anyone hasn't noticed because I am afraid of my dreams now... :crying:

It's okay PDD.

Your body is just reacting to stimulation...good or bad...your body doesn't know.

This article might help you relax a bit and not be so hard on yourself.

http://www.kalimunro.com/sexual_feelings_abuse.html

[PasDeDeux]

Thank you Petunia I always like all the helpful and informative links you post in PC I will be reading this a FEW times till it sinks in

I liked this a lot I find it most helpful

"No matter how you felt during the abuse or feel now, you are not responsible for the abuse. Even if you felt some pleasure or enjoyment; or you wanted some aspects to continue; or you were sexually attracted to the abuser; or you sought the abuser out, the abuser is always responsible for the abuse and not the child. Think about it this way: if a child sought you out for sexual stimulation, would you do it? "

[PasDeDeux]

Though if anyone else wants to add to this thread I could sure use the help and kind words or anything...

[shearmaniac]

[PasDeDeux]

Thank you ((Shear)) I wish more people would see me and hear my pain :crying:

[radio_flyer]

(((((((((( Pas )))))))))))))))...

[PasDeDeux]

((((((radio ))))))))))

[heartspace]

PasDeDeux, you're blaming yourself for an unconscious physiological reaction. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think if you spoke with your T about it, he'd reassure you that it is no reflection on you, though it's understandable to feel confused by it and even question your attitudes towards what happened to you.
Remember: you were the victim of abuse. A bizarre dream doesn't change that.

I don't know what your diagnosis is, but with bp hyper sexuality can occur with hypo mania or full-blown mania where you respond to things in a sexually aroused way where you normally would not. I don't know if that is what is going on, but what others have said rings true to me, too, that the body responds to stimulation regardless of its source.

[PasDeDeux]

Thank you heartspace I know you are right I know this on some level but I FEEL vile and like a pig and I have not brought it up in therapy because I feel so gross saying it

[heartspace]

I can appreciate you feel vile and like a pig, but I can assure you that you are neither. When there is a little more distance between you and the horrible memory of the nightmare, you might find it easier to mention it to your T. All in good time. I feel for you, though, because it must feel horrible not being able to shake those unpleasant thoughts from your mind. But you are NOT gross.

[PasDeDeux]

Thank you Heartspace btw you do have a kind heart. II cannot even say it was a nighmare cause I seemed to enjoy it on some levels. I know you are right and you ARE helping me. It's just my FEELINGS keep me dense

[(JD)]

Pas, please know that if you trust your T at all with other things... you can and should share this. Your T is not emotionally involved and can help you review this if you are able...to find the reason if you wish. However, if nothing else, your T can reassure you that your mind would not be allowing you to view these images... unless it knew you were ready now to work through them... that's a good thing...

which is why I think you should tell your T... try and not to remember your dream in the first person and... maybe write it down and tell T you want him/her to know but can't voice it. I'm sure T will understand.

T can only help you better when you can share such horrible things.... believe me... T can help in ways you might not be aware of...