[January]

A man who was not stable at all started yelling at me today. He entered a place where I was and where he didn't belong at all. Instead of being terrified and turning into quivering jelly, I faced him and forced him to leave the room. One of the men who worked there finally had to threaten to call the police to make the man completely leave.

The "fight or flight" syndrome kicked in and my muscles tightened so much that I can't bear to wear my brace right now. My back and chest muscles are so sore. Even the muscles in my throat hurt. I feel like I'm choking and I can't stand to bend my neck. I've taken my pain medicine but I don't know how I'm going to be able to lay down to sleep without the chest pain being even worse.

I think the fact that scares me the most is that I was more than ready to defend myself against this man. They kept thinking I was shaking out of fear. In fact, they thought I was going to faint. They didn't understand that I was shaking so hard because I was absolutely consumed by rage that another man dared threaten my safety.

I am shocked that I can feel such rage. If he had touched me, I would have hurt him in any way I could. That fact mystifies me... What have I become?

Jan

[JustAPixie]

You have become human! It's our instinct and our right to defend ourselves against the world. Don't be scared that you were going to defend yourself, you should be proud about it! You are not weakened by your abuse... you can stand up and face the world again. Rage is a good sign, it means you are past shock and disbelieve and that you are ready to move on. Rage is such a powerful amotion, and it should be, because it enables us to move past the trauma where we can finally find healing and start to forgive and move on with our lives. Rage strenthens us somehow to take that leap of faith, to be angry at others, but also at the situation and forcing us to change our circumstances.

I'm sorry for the terrible pain you must be going through... can't you go see your doc for that?

[Rhapsody]

The ANGER has to come out some time or another.... and today was one of those times.

.............................................................................. YOU did GOOD!

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Your anger and rage are very healthy, Jan. And scary.

Your reaction shows that what was done to you was WRONG and not your fault. You are worth the fight to get yourself back.

Feeling anger is healing and I'm proud because I know how difficult it is for you.

But it's also a stage of the grieving process.

Do you know you're grieving, Jan?



PS Can you sleep propped up a bit on pillows?

[January]

(((((((((( Tanya )))))))))))

Thank you so much. You sound very wise and I thank you for your encouragement and insights.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((( Rhap ))))))))))))

Thank you. Yes, I guess I did good, didn't I?

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

(((((((((( Pet ))))))))))))

No, I didn't know any of those things. I didn't know I'm grieving. I am going to have to think about it. I do grieve because of the brain damage and my injuries....

You are right about anger being scary. I'm also scared because I wasn't sorry that I got so angry. Does that make any sense? Do you understand?????? Somebody just has to understand that.

If I can't lay down, I'll try to sleep in the recliner. I may take an extra pill if I have to to make me sleep, but I never, ever take an extra anything. I still feel like I'm choking...

I need to go to Lothlorein...

Hugs,

Jan

wasn't sorry that I got so angry

That is called triumph.

[January]

Is it, Pet? Truly?

Jan this statement really caught my eye..... </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm also scared because I wasn't sorry that I got so angry. Does that make any sense?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Not sure if this is your background... but mine was to not show anger and I was told whatever I felt was not the right way to feel. Maybe you've not experienced "genuine" anger before? .... and could it be that it scares you that you acted as your own defender?

I know when I do something similar..... I feel scared, odd(like I have my shoes on the wrong feet) and also guilty. It's not been in my "program" to have enough worth to stick up for myself...... so I'm going against the "program".

Well, not sure if any of that made sense to you...... I do think what you did was great self-value!!!

Hope you got some sleep!

Jan-

mandy

[hillbunnyb]

The Winter Queen Rallies Her Forces to Singlehandedly Defend the Castle!!!!!!! On the spot, appropriate anger??? Honey Baby Sweetie Pie, you done crossed over from victim to actor in your life. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Standing ovation, with all ears up from the Bunne Family. ))))))) ))) january (((((((((( ((

now you get to start feeling all those feelings you weren't ready to yet before. be extra gentle with yourself, transition times are as fragile as they are strong, ya know...... relaxation meditation/music/breathing integration time helps me. sorta let new awarenesses float in and out without attachment, just hang out and see what comes up inside youself: body, mind, spirit. all your layers will have to adjust to your new "form". it's all energy, fluid, formed by being informed. to "see" is to change. (that's all there is to quantum physics.)

You did the right thing January. When I worked for a college one night this guy showed up and he was not registered and wasnt a friend or relative of any of the students that were presently in their classes. Anyway he was just acting so wierd - his eyes darting this way and that and acting real agitated and swearing so I asked him to leave and he took a step towards me and said "what gives you the right to tell me to leave?" I told him I happen to be the person in charge right then and he had to leave. He refused. So out of I have no idea I got load and yelled that he was to leave right now or I would call the police and have him escorted off the premises. He took another step towards me and I screamed at the top of my lungs get the H--- out of here you B-----d and he turned around and left. I called the main campus and told my boss what had happened and while I was on the phone a policeman came in asking if I had seen any non students and I told him what had happened.. The guy got on his radio and told them he was staying here and would escort me home at closing time. Then he looked at me and said lady you are something... The guy you kicked out of here is an escaped convict from prison his crimes aggrivated assault, rape and murder. I am sSSOOO glad I didn't know that when he walked in the door because I probably would have frozen instead of my defense class information kicking in.

You did exactly what you should have done and a fantastic job of it too.

[wisewoman]

Jan, any muscle relaxants? Good job hon

[January]

Oh Mandy!! What you said makes perfect sense! I was never, ever allowed to defend myself. I wasn't allowed to defend myself from adults or other children. Never.

It felt so strange and the ange was so all encompassing.

(((((((((((( Mandy )))))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

))))))))))))))) bunny (((((((((((((((((((

Thank you so much. You are right. Everything is different inside! It is so different. Things are changing and moving.

Bunny bumpies,

Jan

[January]

Oh Myself!!!!!!!! What an adventure, to say the least!!!! I'm so glad you were safe.

Thank you so much.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((( Wise )))))))))

I have no muscle relaxants, but I finally slept some last night. I'm still sore today. My neck still feels funny, but I'm a lot better.

Thank you.

Hugs,

Jan

Thanks And Im glad you are safe. Hang in there. you did the right thing. its really is ok to stand up for yourself.

[hillbunnyb]

....))))) ) )myself and january ((((( (( ..... "mad as hell and not gonna take it any more"..... it shows, nobody wants to tangle with a wildcat, they are too unpredictable.... tssssssssROAR, foam at the mouth!!! Win.

Thganks and bumps hillbunny. What happened with me happend years and years ago back in the 1980's so I am very safe and the situation no longer bothers me. Though I am glad for the hugs and bumps I think January needs them more right now.

(((((((((((January))))))))) hang in there.

[hillbunnyb]

myself, awwww go ahead, have some bumpies, I gots enuff fer yas both...... jan knows she's got tons comin'.

I LOVE stories of women standing up to abusers with happy endings!!!! old, new, whatever..... they go into a very special file in my guts. A file whose strength and power I draw on in tight spots, right now, ya know?

Integrate this kiddo: !!!!!! )))))) )))) ) )) myself (((((( (( (( !!!!!!!

[January]

Oh Myself! You deserve hugs, too!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((((( Myself )))))))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

)))))))))))))))) bunny ((((((((((((((((((

Lots of bunny bumpies to you!!!!!!!

Jan

[lenjan]

Jan, I just saw this, I'm so sorry I missed it earlier!

Gf -- what you did was a TRIUMPH. I have many issues surrounding anger, and it took a long time in therapy to defuse them and learn that the world wouldn't end if I stand up for myself. I think that's what you just learned too!

I know it's scary, but it is healing as well. You will move forward from here as a stronger person, and hopefully one who will continue to recognize her own self-worth. You DESERVE to defend yourself!

I think you did a terrific job, and I'm really, really proud of you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}



Love, Candy

LOL )))))))))))))))hillbunny(((((((((((((((((( accepted and aintegrated LOL

I too love to hear about those standing up for themselves.