[hereiam]

I don't know if I've made a post like this before. But considering I've been thinking about this for years, I have to ask. Maybe it's not something you all can answer, or maybe I'm not even looking for answers - just to vent. Either way I'd like to seek opinions, maybe some advice on my thoughts. I just want to make this as raw as possible, but for me, that's probably still pretty guarded.

Long story short, even today, I remain angry with my father. I feel guilty about seemingly 'hating' him so much, because he can be (or is) a good man, but still. I don't think about him without thinking about all the ways I could tell him how much he's hurt me, hurt my family, and ultimately broken my spirit and trust of men and people in general. I can put it very easily, in terms that many of you understand: My father had anger. No, rage. Violent rage. When I was a young kid I was playing outside with my Dad, a sibling, and a neighborhood friend. Something happened, I'm not sure what, but my guess was always that either I said a swear word or got snippy with my Dad. In short, he ended up literally chasing me around the outside of house. He's running after me, I'm running for my life, crying and screaming, and he's got that 'look' in his eyes. That look always terrified me. Eventually he caught me. I was screaming, crying, begging him to let me go (I don't remember the begging, but my Mom later told me I was) and I remember on the way inside I saw my Mom standing there looking helpless. I do remember screaming for her to help me. I wonder now what that must have looked like to her - her young 7 year old daughter swung over her husbands shoulder, pleading for her Mommy to help her. My Mom later said there was nothing she could do, nor was there anything my Grandparents (who we lived with at the time) could do either - my Dads rage was too out of control, and whoever got in his way would certainly be trampled. My Dad took me upstairs, threw me over his knee, and proceeded to 'spank' meon my bed. My Mom says after, he also grabbed my shoulders and, in her words, not exactly 'shook' me but 'rattled' me, screaming at me face to face.

A week later, my parents had split, and he was gone. But we had visitation with him, as long as it was supervised by my Moms uncle. Eventually though, he was back. It was funny because even today, I have to force myself to hug my Dad (don't feel comfortable doing it) or tell him I love him, things like that. Even though I do love him. But I remember the first time I didn't feel comfortable with his touch, and that was the first Christmas he came back. He put his hand on my shoulder and my sisters shoulder as my Mom snapped the picture. All I remember thinking was "I want him away from me..." I didn't want my own father to touch me. Now I kinda think that it's related to what had happened before. But I also am not sure, considering I'm sure I had hugged him and things like that during visitation. Anyway - not so much the point.

When they divorced my Mom took us kids to some (maybe 2 visits or so) of counselling, and my Dad was forced to go to. I don't think it helped because after we all moved back in, he would be back to his antics.

Here's where I'm confused about feeling so angry toward him. My Dad is a good guy, he has a genuine heart and I know he loves us. He works hard and has always provided for our family. He will help those in need, and generally isn't anything close to what people would describe as a horrible man. But when he gets mad, angry, or frustrated at ANYTHING - it's always is and always was taken out on us. His thing was to pinch the back of our arms when we were in trouble for something. It hurt like %#@&#! hell. One time my sister called him out on something he was truly doing - acting like an %#@&#!. She was 17 or 18 when she said this, and he marched over to her bed and wailed her *** hard. Now, this might seem okay considering she called him an %#@&#! but it wasn't because he WAS acting like an %#@&#!. And he was being out of control.

My Dad likes to throw things around the house, make things uncomfortable for anyone when he's not feeling great, verbally let us or my Mom know how utterly stupid we are when something isn't done right - and not by calling us stupid, either. It's more like "What kind of idiotic person would DO this kind of thing? Who wouldn't use normal common sense and logic? How stupid does someone have to be to do [this or that]!?" He's thrown the dishes, made all of us cry our eyes out without a hint of remorse, broke many objects in our home, and very passively degrades what my sisters and I have accomplished in our lives. No matter what it is, HE could do it. No matter what we've done, why not do more? No matter how hard we work, it's never as hard as HE has had to work. One morning I didn't get up for chores on time (I was a young teenager, mind you, and getting up at 8am on a Saturday morning wasnt exactly easy for me or my idea of fun) and when I didn't get up in his timely manner, he threw a bucket of freezing cold water all over me. Not just me though, considering I was in my room on my bed. Me, my bed, my mattress, my sheets were soaked, the carpet, my things beside my bed, the wall...everything.

When my Dad gets mad everyone tries to get out of his way. I find now that when any man raises his voice to me, in any way, I completely lose control. I cry and sob and this has recently caused me MUCH embarrasment at a job of mine.

I'm being as honest as I can with all the things I've listed here. I need to know that me being angry at my Dad is warranted, that he actually was cruel to us, and while I know he didnt physically beat us the threat of being hurt everytime he got angry was always there with me and continues to scare me. The things I've heard him say to my Mom and family kill me. He's beaten my Mom so hard with words that he's broken her into tears on many occasions with 10, 20, 30, 40 minute rants about what an idiot she was for doing whatever it was she did when really she didn't know she was doing anything wrong.

I know this is long, I know most people didn't read this far so if you did then thank you. But please let me know. I battle with this almost daily. He's my father, he provided for me and loved me and put a roof over my head and food on my table...but I can't stand him. I feel guilty everytime I think mean things about him. I don't know where I should stand. Are these things considered abuse? I feel violated everytime I think about them. What a mean person he was to us, but we were never beaten daily or made to do horrible things. I know he loves us. But why would he treat us in a way he would never allow anyone else to treat us?? I just don't understand it.

Thanks.

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))

.... May HEALING be yours to hold and to have one day.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

feelings just are. a person is happy or sad or angry and any number of feelings they may feel with any given situation. when it comes to feelings they are what they are and no matter how much someone say doing feel happy or don't feel angry the bottom line is that is what you are feeling based on what you are seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, or touching or being touched.

If you feel angry then you are angry and that is alright.

There is no right and wrong way to feel. fellings are feelings and theres nothing anyone can do about it. its not like some psychiatrist can give you a labotomy these days so that you no longer experience what you are feeling.

You are angry so yea that alright and is your feeling.

Hang in there.

[kimmydawn]

hereiam,

my ex-t once said something that really stuck out to me...the brass, exact facts aren't what's the most important...it's what i believed to be true and what could happen because that's usually where alot of the fear, emotions and subsequent damage are.

i tried so hard to stick with what i knew as fact, and thought i was being silly/unjustified with what i felt...much as you. That said, I know it's still hard to want to love yet despise, so much, parts of the same person.

Yes, what your father did is called abuse in my book and probably most. I know that you're probably aware of that intellectually and that if anyone else had told you what you told us, you'd probably tell them the same thing. However, it's different somehow when we speak about self, yes? We don't want to believe that. We don't want to accept...move past the denial/oblivion that's kept us going and moves us away from the severe emotional pain tapped into by just asking the question. How much more can it hurt if we accept it?

It's alright to want to love your father, but hate things he did. It's also hard to get through to the love when living with all of the "anger/rage/hate" they reflected onto us. I do believe in order to "love" him, you might have to work with someone regarding the abuse you sustained and witnessed. Also, witnessing abuse of a loved one is abuse in inself in the feelings/helplessness/fears it creates.

We're here. I'm glad you're talking...keep doing it.

KD

[JustAPixie]

I can understand your conflict of emotions. It's so easy to just hate someone, or love someone, but you can't do both, it will tear you up!

You sound like you don't want hate your dad, which is very good. You can be very angry towards someone you love without hating them.

what your dad did is not right, no matter what the circumstances. Children are allowed to have tantrums, but adults should know better! Which makes me think that the reason why children have tantrums is because they don't know how to channel their emotions yet, could this apply to your dad?

I Can't really relate to what you have endured, but I want to tell you this anyway in case it helps. I had a very distant relationship with my dad and one day he found out that I had done something very bad and he just lost it. He threw me on the bed and started beating me with his fist. I was so overwhelmed because he had never done anything remotely like this. What I did then was that I just hugged him... he tried to push me of but i held on for dear life. He calmed down!!! He was still furious, which I have to say was fair, but at least he just gave me the old sermon after that. I don't know enough about your stuations to know if can venture something like that... but if you want to make a relationship work you have to work very hard at it at first.

What he did was wrong, but how you handle it is up to you.

And don't worry, there have been much longer posts then yours!

[biiv]

i just wanted to say that reading your post really touched me. my dad never threw water over me, he was never involved enough for that, but he did other things that were really just careless or neglectful and not really "bad" so i can really identify with hating him but feeling guilty about it because he really is not a bad person. i too cant stand to have him hug me. it makes me feel dirty and violated and captive but i know he only wants to do whats right.
anyways. thanks for writing this and please know that i understand what you re saying.
take gentle care
biiv

[Rebel74]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Are these things considered abuse?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, that's verbal, emotional,and physical abuse. Your father, love him or hate him or both, was an abusive man.

[hereiam]

thank you all so much for your responses.

it's true, i love my dad but i love to hate him even more. i cant think about him without being angry. i think now more than ever i just need to deal with what happened and get over it - letting him affect me this way continues to give him the control.

good luck to all of you, thanks

[FaithisAlive]

I'll tell you what I did.. I wrote my dad a letter telling him how much damage he did to me by hurting everyone i loved as well as hurting me.

My father was alot like yours.. he was a bully.. intimidating.. using his military training to control us with fear.. only he added the alcohol to it too and that only made him more irrational and unpredictable.

He never really seemed abusive to me though.. not for many years... it was just a way of life for us. He didn't leave bruises.. use fists... he didn't kick us or anything like that. But he did go over-board with his discipline techniques.

So it was easy to grow up believing he was strict and that was all.There was a time when I hated him and what he did to me. I stayed away from him for years, going around only at holidays for my mothers sake..( whom I later developed issue with).

But when he passed away, I wrote him a long letter sharing all of my feelings.. and it was liberating.I don't hate him anymore.I have learned that he was human with his own baggage and abuse from childhood that he couldn't get away from .. he couldn't be the one to break that cycle.

I have also learned that I am not what he treated me as... he treated me badly.. but I am not bad... it wasn't about me or any of the rest of the family..it was his own sickness.

I learned in therapy that I can love the good father he could be and hate the bad one.. and being angry doesn't mean the same thing as hating a person.

What he taught me about myself caused me to be in a relationship with an abusive man for 3 years, and then married to a man that was emotionally bankrupt, leaving me miserable for 10 years.

The way he treated me as i grew up caused me to make alot of very unhealthy choices and I have had to figure out how to forgive myself and him for that.

Hang in there... you are working on it so this is good...

Peace..

[Pmarie]

Hereiam, I had a dad very similiar to yours, and it was very confusing to me also. But you are not alone for both loving and hating him with a passion. He took care of you, but he also hurt you in a very primal way, and the natural response to that is anger.

There were two things that really helped me. When I was at home and the rage overtook me, I screamed as hard as I could into a pillow. The other thing was an anger workshop.In addition to participating, I could watch others work through their anger, support them by my presence, and know that it wasn't the end of the world.

I wish you the best!

[hereiam]

Thank you for the responses!

Faith - Im sorry your dad was so mean. It sucks having someone who is supposed to protect you constantly hurt you.

Pmarie - Thanks for your suggestions. I've tried the screaming into a pillow thing, but that was never enough. I had other ways of releasing my anger that weren't healthy but I've changed those too. Now I'm just left with the anger but no action. I don't do much about it anymore, because I try not to let myself get so worked up about it, but it still hurts.

I feel like this has affected my relationships in so many ways. I trust no man. None, ever. I've sabotaged relationships due to my anxiety surrounding them. I don't want to go to therapy for this, or again, considering my last therapist (ironically, I suppose) ended up working with my dad in a professional manner that had nothing to do with her job. Once that happened, I knew I could never talk with her about my Dad, and so that was another relationship ruined.

Oh well. Thanks everyone...good luck!

[Evangelista]

Hereiam...

I am so sorry you endure this type of abuse from your Dad, and I agree the things he did were very abusive...there is no excuse for his behavior...if he is angry he needs to take responsibility for his emotion and learn to deal with it..not aim it at you...take care..

Eva

[JustAPixie]

I want to give you all the hug that you long for...

((((((((( Hugs )))))))))