[Rosetta_Stoned]

Hi everyone. I'm brand new on here. This is my first post ever and i'm already gonna be spilling my guts! But wanting help for this issue is one of the reasons i joined these forums. Hope ya'll dont mind too much <3

I've been with my current partner for about a year, and was friends with him before this. In that time, we've lived together (though due to an incident, he no longer lives with me but i'll get into that in a second), and things have been mostly okay, but i'm concerned that some of his behaviour is abusive.

The first thing that worries me is things he's said about my body. He's said things like he wishes i'd lose weight so he could show me off to his friends, that he doesnt like my stomach anymore cos it was flat when we met and it isn't now, things like that. It's caused major problems in our relationship because i just can't forget these things. To me, this is borderline emotional abuse. I don't know. Is it? or am i overreacting? I know its hard for you to get an idea because i havent told you much of what was said, but basically he'd just say negative things about my weight.

Also, he calls me names sometimes. He's said i have no value, that i'm an idiot, that i'm a ***** and i should %#@&#! off, etc. (I know it sounds quite severe but he never said all these things at once! this is occasional behaviour).

. . . There also was one thing that i haven't shared with anyone before, its a bit of a strange subject. One time, we were physically intimate and i so i asked him to stop but he didn't for a little while. We talked about it afterwards and he said that he wanted to find out what would happen if he didnt. He said he quickly realized that was ridiculous and then stopped. It didn't happen after that.

Most recently, the issue of physical violence has arisen. There was an incident where i kicked him in the leg (semi-playfully, knowing it wouldn't hurt him) and he slapped me on my back quite hard as i turned around to walk away. Later, i bit his fingers in retaliation to the slap and then he smacked me across the face. I was shocked of course, and he said i deserved it and that i in fact deserved a lot worse.

After this, we were arguing a bit, and i said to him that i didn't think he had the right to be rude to me considering the days events, at which point he said i was a ***** and i should %#@&#! off. So things got worse and worse and eventually, i took his belongings outside and asked him to leave (He said he was leaving anyway but didn't mean forever, he's said in discussions about it after). He said to me "I wanna *****slap you SO bad right now, come here!" He was approaching me at this stage and i just bolted.

Since this incident, he's called me names a bit because some of my behaviour is unsatisfactory (e.g. drinking and smoking marijuana occasionally) by most standards. I don't really know what to do. Lately he'll yell at me and call me names for ages and then apologize. It's tiresome, and it always happens again.

Now, i know it sounds bad but remember these things arent frequent. Is this abuse? what should i do? Day to day life with him is fine, its normal and there arent really any problems (except that being with him has severely affected my self esteem).

sorry to write such a long post. Please help!

[kimmydawn]

No matter how infrequent, each thing that you've presented here is A B U S E.

Please keep yourself physically separated from this man while you seek support and help to move away from this relationship.

We're here and listening, and will continue to be. However, while we're doing that, please enlist real life help as well.

Keep safe and many wishes to you,

KD

[Rosetta_Stoned]

thanks, Kimmy.

We actually had a talk about to today, he had a look at the websites i was on and one of them was a test to see if your relationship was abuse (not the best means of judgement but i figured i'd give it a go anyway) and it came up with moderately abusive. He was quite upset because he doesn't consider himself an abusive person.So we talked about it and basically his position is that anyone will react violently if you push them far enough. Well, thats the justification for the physical violence/threat. His yeling/namecalling/etc is that i make him feel like he can't talk to me about anything so it builds up over time and eventually comes out in angry outbursts - but then again, he seems to be having a lot of those lately. He says he can't talk to me because i always threaten to break up with him and that in itself is abuse. I explained to him that the reason those situations keep occuring is that the problems we have never get solved. Now i probably shouldn't have said this, but i admitted to him that the only reason we're still together and didnt break up properly any of those times was because he threatened to kill himself and i couldn't let him do that. It was an awful thing to say, he cried a bit. See? I'm quite a ****** person.

The thing is, he says i push him to these extreem behaviours and on one hand, i can understand why. But on the other side, this seems like the typical behaviour of an abusive person - to blame the victim (though i dont really feel like a victim at all).

I don't want to leave him because i love him and he loves me. I know there are people out there who would say that no one who hurts you loves you but i think thats ignoring the complexities of the situation. And like, I don't think its always about control, i think he just loses his temper sometimes. The way he handles it isn't right but i don't think its worth leaving him over. My only concern is that it'll worsen because he doesn't accept responsibility for what he does.

[kimmydawn]

But on the other side, this seems like the typical behaviour of an abusive person - to blame the victim (though i dont really feel like a victim at all)."

YES, YES, YES. That's a factual true statement.

In the beginning of your post I thought, "Maybe this is what was needed and might be a turning point." I thought that until I read that he turned it around on you and your behavior.

NOTHING justifies physical abuse...nothing. With everything you've shared here, I think you know that already, though. In those times, he could've walked away. There are too many possibilities and he chose to get physical and now he's justifying it by turning it back around on you.

Yes, you're right...that is the typical behavior of an abusive person...which he is. Does that mean he's a horrible person, incapable of care? No, and that's why it can be so confusing. It means that he has issues he needs to deal with.

I wish you so well and hope you keep us updated.

KD

Quick thought...what would you tell your sister or best friend if she'd shared these things with you? You deserve the best...as anyone else does.

[mssumom]

Rosetta Stone,

Please take it from someone who has been and is there even though I have been divorced from the man for 5 yrs I sometimes think I will have to die before he stops. It is best to get away early and not to depend on protection orders or police, court system, etc....I know they work for some just not for me. But this is not about me, just listen to your instincts that brought you here to post in the first place and know that an abuser will always turn it around and make it your fault because you MADE him mad or you MADE him hit you and while I'm still trying to deal, I hope that you will get away right now!!!

Lori

[ayana]

Definetely ABUSE, yes. All of it.

And it will get worse.

My boyfriend started with calling me names too, saying rediculous things. Soon after that followed slapping, pushing, slamming into walls, throwing things, choking, etc.... It will happen again, you can't stop it. Remember that. [me]

[Rosetta_Stoned]

Thanks for the replies.

I'm just so confused right now, hey. But like, i don't feel that i'm in any real danger or that things are going to get worse unless there's another fight between us.
It probably sounds like it's all his fault, but even my mum said that she understands why we had the indicent (the physical violence/threat) so that must say something. If my own mother says its my fault then it must be, surely.

[inpain]

Rosetta,

You said: " don't feel that i'm in any real danger or that things are going to get worse unless there's another fight between us.".....what are the chances of you and him never fighting again? Please get away from him, do whatever you have to do. I was in a similar situation several years ago and it NEVER got better, it actually got so much worse over time. I don't know why in the world your mother would say that to you but she is wrong..he is abusive, you didn't do anything wrong. Please take care of yourself and keep us posted..(rosetta)

[FaithisAlive]

I was with my bf for 3 years enduring his jealousy and possessivenss as well as his demeaning remarks to me.... but he was never violent with me.. and he said he just loved me so much he didn't know how else to handle it... that he couldn't live without me and was scared to lose me.

I moved in with him.. we had a son... he became violent slowly... at first it was a shove.. or he would grab my arm too tightly.. or he might have just slapped me pretending to be kidding..it escalated into choking.. punching.. kicking.. dragging me around by my hair...putting a gun to my head.. he busted my lip open once while I was driving 55 on a mountainous raod.. putting the car into a spin where we landed in a ditch.... nearly killed us .. our son included.

It only happened when we fought...when I made him mad.. or if he drank too much.. when I made him feel insecure...somehow it was always my fault.He nearly killed me before I got away from him...

and he never got the help he needed because it was all my fault somehow.. he didn't need help.. he didn't have anger issues... he didn't have control issues....oh no... of course not.. he didn't need to make me feel as small as the smallest piece of dirt on earth so he could feel big and mighty.. nope.. talk to him and he never had a problem,I was the one with the problem..

I know without a doubt that he loved me.. and I am serious about that.. I loved him too.. he had his good times.. alot of them.. but it never made it okay for him to do what he did to me.

If this guy loves you, he wil do what he can to get the help he needs to control his anger and to respond to his anger appropriately. And he wil stop hurting you with his words too...and I say meanwhile, listen to your instinct and back away from him until he does get the help he needs.Good Luck!