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#1
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Sometimes I just feel lost.. not knowing what to think or how to feel or waht to say or how to act. Alot of the time I go through the days in a daze... just existing but no feeling.
Sometimes I am not sure what feelings are real and what feelings are pretense... having pretended for so long i am not always sure when I am pretending now. I feel as if I a shut down... not functioning and not making any sense of anything. I can easily come here and reach out to others in pain. I can find the words and I have the ability to feel for others.. yet I can't apply it to ME.I can't even seem to acknowledge that I have pain. I go through stages of mood swings that I cannot control.. I get snappy and irrate for no reason, the smallest things setting me off and causing me to be sarcastic and even hateful towards those i love. Other times I find myself feeling as I did when my Gram died.. such grief that I cannot stop crying but I really can't put a finger on why I am in this mood either. I am in therapay but I am not very good at talking about what I wnet through growing up. I have pout it away so dep within me that I can't sem to dig down and find it.I have flashbacks and memories but I don't know really how to acknowledge them as being real. Sometimes I feel like I have it all together and I am dealing well adn life is good.. but then I feel like that is a big fat lie.. I feel like I am one big messed up woman. And the abuse and how it affected me. I am really just trying to talk it out here.. this minute...I feel like a fraud.. I feel like I present myself as a strong woman that can handle anything that comes my way. When in fact I am a frightened little girl who needs to be held and comforted and understood..a helpless little girl who is lost and alone and so very very sad.. Thank for listening...
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Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see. |
#2
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Feelings just are. They are always there even when they're being pushed down. For myself, I started quizzing myself about feelings when I didn't "like" them. I'd ask myself, "what would you rather be feeling?" Often that is all it takes to show me that I'm "fine" because what I feel matches what I'm thinking about or going through. If you're thinking about how much you miss your grandmother, then yes, you should be feeling like crying! How else would you rather feel in such a situation? Would you laugh? Of course not!
I think feelings, like moods, tides, weather, energy, etc. go in waves/cycles. One can't always be up all the time or cry all the time, etc. I think when we're in therapy and working with such intense emotions and memories that we have to get "burnt out" for a bit in order to rest. So, we feel "blank" or not much of anything. We can't work full throttle all the time. Observe yourself over a month or more and how your energy and feelings ebb and flow. It's one of the best things my therapist ever taught me, now feelings come and go and if we wait and watch we'll notice (so if there's a difficult or painful one, we just have to wait and our feeling will change to a more comfortable state).
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
#3
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Perna is right, you should judge yourself by what you feel... you are so much more than what you feel! You sound like you are riding the rollercoaster hard... I'm so sorry, it can be so tiring to go through all of those emtions the whole time and never just having a little peace. Are you on meds? Shouldn't they help with all those feelings?
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#4
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faith, i know by talking to you on a regular basis that you are strong, you might feel as though you are lying or kidding yourself, but your not, you are strong. you are allowed to feel scared and want to be hugged, it doesnt make you "a little girl". if i could i would hold you and comfort you.
we've had several chats and conversations over the last few months and i hold a lot of respect for you, i think you are a great person, and i certainly do not believe you are a fraud. you are in a state of grief, and you may just cry randomly for what seems like no reason. this is inevitable and it will continue until you have dug deep enough to find your issues. because you have spent so long burrying them it will take a while to uncover them, but it will happen if you remain consistant. mood swings are important too, it is a way to release the tension and anger your body is holding. im sure your family and friends will understand and stick by you, explain to them why it happens and im sure they will support you. i understand you completely faith, and i understand what you are going through, i was there not long ago. i will be here to support you whenever you need it ok. you know where i am faith. speak soon and take it easy on yourself. simon |
#5
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Thanks guys.. I know you are right.. emotions are like waves of the ocean.. always changing... I think its just that I am not used to having so many feelings so much of the time.
I ignored my feelings and I ignored my body for most of my life. I stayed so dang busy all the time that if i had wanted to allow feelings.. there wasn't time to. It is new to me.. especially negative feelings.. I think i have always been afraid that if i allowed negative feelings I would be consumed with them to the point of becoming bitter. I haven't told all of my story yet but there is so much for me to look at and heal from that I am often overwhelmed.I am not entirely sure i understand or know how to have these feelings either. I am in therapy doing a great deal of emotional work. I was on medication for depression and anxiety but have been off them since April.Meds cloud my mind and I seem to have bad side effects from them too.. but I am going to talk with my doctor about it again. Thank you Simon for being so awesome!You are so kind and caring... a blessing to know for sure!
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Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see. |
#6
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hi faith,
thank you for posting this. i can identify with a lot of what you say, especially about coming across as strong and in control and inside all you want is for someone to hold and protect you and make it better. i also seem to spend a lot of my life reaching out and trying to comfort others and i really feel for them but when it comes to myself its so much harder, often impossible to do that for myself. do you find it scary to not be able to tell what feelings are real or pretense? cos for me sometimes its really frightening. like if i cant be sure if what im feeling and sometimes thinking is pretense because im so into this 'character' i create of myself to fit with other people and function in the world then how can i be real? i dont have any answers to that... i wish i had the words to help you now but its too close to whats going on with me so i cant see straight. all i can say is my thoughts are with you. biiv |
#7
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Yes Biiv... I feel exactly the same way... not being sure if what I am feeling is real or just part of the " persona" I have developed over the years....and often not even feeling like i had a right ot have ANY feelings...
I always second guess myself.. always question if what I am feeling is real and if its not then what is.... I feel confused alot of the time and nobody who knows me has a clue that I am this way inside.I don't always trust my own thoughts and feelings. Both of us can get out of this much we have ended up in.. together we can do it.. hand in hand.. sorting out the real from the unreal...getting in touch with the REAL person we are inside... it might take time.. but we wil do it..hang in there.. I have surrounded myself with people who have narsissistic personalities too. those who feel the rest of the human race was put here for their purpose somehow and as such, I have always been the one to give.. give.. give.. give... its always been about THEM.. never has anyone of my friends EVER called me to ask how i am doing.. what do i need... can they help me... Why?Partly because I have taught them that I am the strong one. I am the one that doesn't need anything..that I have nothing else to do in this life but be there to help each one of them deal with thatever crisis or pain they may be going through... I taught them i don't need.... And partly because I couldn't function unless i was focusing on someone elses problems...helping others.. I always had a need to be the rescuer.. so in a sense, I used them to satisfy my own need to feel important. to feel i am making a difference somehow.And to avoid my own feelings too. I am reaching a point in my healing where this is becoming less acceptable to me and i find myself feeling resentment over it sometimes. Frustration at myself because I have defined my relationships this way and now i feel trapped in them.. a and resentment at them for no even thinking that maybe I might need a friend now and then too. that it gets to be tiring.. being the friend all the time.. and not having a friend... When you go through life believing your feelings don't matter,for whatever reason.. it is very difficult to allow ourselves the luxury of helping ourselves...it is so much easier to help other people. they deserve it.we tell ourselves we don't deserve it.. we don't matter.. for me is is part of the internal dialogue I have had with myself all my life..that I wasn't worthy. that I didn't count.. that I didn't deserve to have rights or feelings.. We can find a way to stop doing this to ourselves.. I know we can.. i am already beginning to do better.. just by recognising i have not bee in healthy, equal relationships... I think thats a start. And also, being able to admit that we aren't always as in control as we want it to look.. that is a major step in the right direction too..
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Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see. |
#8
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i think we can get out of this alright. i am so much better now than i used to be. sometimes its just a bit much to look at how far ive come and realise im still barely started on the whole thing.
i think one of the reasons i spend so much time by myself is because i avoid making friends for fear of perpetuating these unhealthy ways of relating and i just dont know how to relate to people without all the facade of being in control and being the one with the cool head and the good advice and the one to listen. i get what you mean about being at a place where resentment starts to build. then i feel so guilty and angry with myself because how dare i resent a situation that i created? i mean im the one who taught them i dont need (as you put it so well) and because, as you said, it does fulfil my need to feel important and making a difference, my need to feel like i can be a good person and do good things. im beginning to get a very vague glimpse of the huge difference between the way i think of myself and the way i think of other people... sometimes... but i think maybe thats something i need to look closer at. in fact, now i think about it it might be really important. its a link i havent really focused on before... im very glad you re doing better and moving forward with your healing. it takes so long but i guess we have to keep believing that if we keep asking questions of ourselves and searching for healthy answers we cant help but keep moving towards a better life. online is a great place to start looking at how to interact without falling into the unhealthy patterns that are so much harder to avoid off line. i hope anyway! ![]() ![]() |
#9
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faith, both you and biiv are on the same wavelenght as me. i use to feel the same as you two. it really does take such a long time to recover from it, but the rewards are endless.
i still am the "provider" of support for those around me, and i never get any of my so called friends call me to see how i am. ive never understood why but i think you hit the target when you said you talk them into believing you dont need support. i think thats my problem now. but then, because i have pc, i am able to provide more for those around me (including PC) and still have those who i can turn to, but they all are on here, i have no one in my everyday life. i never help someone else to escape my emotions though, i can how and why people do though. it doesnt mean its a bad thing. to be able to help others is a gift i believe. one that is rare to find in this world. all of this will make you stronger. everything we experience teaches us lessons, we might not see them or understand them initially, but they are there. these lessons in turn make us a great deal stronger and gives us the knowledge to live a healthier, happier life and provide this for those around us we care for. try not to resent the way you are, you have been blessed with a true gift that you should never abandon or abuse. us here at PC are all similar in that sense, we have all found our way here because we are "wired" the same way, we care about others and are seeking help for ourselves, and it doesnt matter how we help ourselves, as long as it happens. and to be able to help others simultaneously is even better. well im going to stop writing, i dont feel as though im making much sense. i know what i want to say but it isnt coming out the same. i hope you understand what im saying in this. take care and remember i am still here for you, and you biiv. please feel free to pm me anytime, i am more than happy to do anything i can to help you recover. speak soon |
#10
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I just read my post and saw the error.... you should NOT judge yourself by what you feel. I'm soooooo sorry!
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#11
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![]() ![]() I think you are great! I always like to read whatever you have to say to folks..you are wise and supportive.. a true asset to this site from the looks of it!Thanks!
__________________
Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see. |
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