[biiv]

hi,
ive just read simon's post "is this natural" and wanted to say something on a similar subject without hijacking his thread.
my father is a good guy. i think he tries hard but just doesnt get it right. with help ive come to put the label "emotionally abusive" on him and ive said this to my mother who hasnt argued with it... basically he was, to say the least, a horrible male role model. either crushing my self esteem or making me feel utterly helpless or plain scared. and he was the only male who really had any part in my life.
on top of that i remember being once touched "there" by a female babysitter in a totally humiliating situation.
anyways... i always wondered if either or both of those things (being touched by a woman and having a very negative male role model) could somehow explain me being a lesbian now... i just cant get the idea out of my head... any thoughts or explanations at all would be great please...
thanks
biiv
ummmm... ps... while im on this subject... sigh. i dont know... has anyone ever had the feeling theyve forgotten something or maybe there are blanks that could or should be filled in but you dont know what you might have forgotten or maybe there are other reasons you feel or think certain things? reasons you havent thought of instead of it maybe coming from something you dont know you ve forgotten? sheesh. sorry. not sure that makes any sense...

[Frozen_Heart]

Many times, I think that I am 'blocking' things out. I can remember being a small child, who drew inappropriate things. . . . Like, being naked with someone holding a knife. . . It was like some 'Dark Age' scenerio that I can't explain today.... Why did I draw those things of urinate in various corners of the house??? I have no idea.....

To this day, I have a fear of knives.... be it butter or butcher knives...

About being Lesbian (sp), I personally don't thinki it has anything to do with what you experienced..... Well, anyway... I'm being yelled at, at the moment....


sorry, gotta go..

[biiv]

im sorry you were being yelled at and hope you re alright?
thanks for answering my post. i hate this feeling. its disconcerting to say the least.
hope you re safe,
biiv

I have lesbian friends, bi friends and straight friends. Some of those that are lesbian and or bi have never been abused in any way shape or form. and one lesbian friend told me she knew she was attracted to women in kindergarted and her first abusive sex experience wasn't until she was 16 by a guy that thought he could cure her by forcing her to have sex with him.

Being bi , gay, lesbian and or straight is just about what each persons preferences are. some people are just naturally more attracted to guys, or girls or both just like one person prefers wearing the color purple where as another person hates the color purple, one person hate turnips and aother person loves turnips, one person like country music and yet another person likes rock music and still others like folk, reggae, rap, classical and so on.

From day one people have their ouw preferences of likes and dislikes and thats fine.

[biiv]

thanks myself,
i know its probably a stupid thing for me to keep thinking about. guess its probably a question of just accepting it.
thank you for listening,
biiv

[hillbunnyb]

biiv, whoa nelly, honey, baby, sweetie pie, please watch that negative self talk yer laying on yerslf. There is no way that contemplating who you are is a stupid thing to do!!! Self awareness, that is, cognitive thinking is what it's all about, for me, anway.

Who am I, What am I, Where do I fit, When will I ever figure it all out, Why am I here anyway???? Welcome to adulthood.

To accept without question, gee whiz, to me, that would be to be a zombie. Never be afraid to examine and re- examine and seek your own truths. Our perspectives change as we experience life and see from other perspectives and cultures and religions and EVERYTHING that happens in our world.

To be confused is a normal part of the process. Put your sea legs on, consider your life to be a great adventure, and go on and explore the wonderful world of yourself!!!

hi, firstly, i hope i didnt trigger anything for you biiv by posting my post. if i did i apologise.

i dont think yourr sexuality is due to being abused and having a father like yours. even though i am straight i do have a sexual thought about a man, though it is rare. it doesnt determine my sexuality though. but for me this was a result of the abuse i endured. i have realised this now thanks to the supposrt from those here at PC.

i believe we know our sexuality from the day we are born, its all about hormones and genes etc, so we dont develop our sexuality because of a certain incident in our lives. the only thing that does is makes us doubt.

and in response to your question, i often feel as though i have forgotten something, and sometimes i stop and think "shouldn't i be somewhere or be doing something, or thinking about something". its just our minds processing everything and sometimes we have to think and do a lot, so when we slow down and dont have so much to think about or do we then ask if there is something we should be doing.

well i hope this helps and i hope to speak soon.

simon

[JustAPixie]

Hey biiv.
Thinking of you.......

[biiv]

thanks hillbunny
your message made me smile.
people keep telling me i need to stop thinking and analysing and just get on with things. even though i try to do that and ive managed it a bit i just dont understand how to live without thinking examining everything. when i dont it feels... dangerous i guess. i start to panic cos i dont know whats going on. but then when i do think about things and still cant figure them out or come to a conclusion it freaks me even more. like with all of this. and im really really bad at talking to people about things that i dont already understand at least a bit. theres this whole area of my life that i just dont get. its scary but i can hardly even think about it, nevermind talk about it with anyone and i think if i could look at it it would explain a lot but its just terrifying. i cant go there.
thanks for putting a smile on my face for a minute there.

[biiv]

hey simon
no no dont worry, your post didnt trigger me. just brought some stuff up to think about again i guess.
that seems to be what most people think about sexuality and it sometimes makes sense to me. until doubts creep in as you say.
thats a good thought about our minds processing...
thank you for your reply and good luck
biiv

[biiv]

thanks tanya. thats sweet