A part understood!!

Last night something just became so clear to me-- an understanding! Not sure what to do with it now--but at least I understand.

--- ***this may be triggering for some??-- not sure***


I've always been very uncomfortable and anxious when around someone that's been injured and/or sick. My anxiety took over so much that I wouldn't even know what to say or do--

My T. tries to encourage me NOT to dwell in the way past-- but I think this time it may have put a missing piece of the puzzle in place for me! I now understand how I was programmed to be anxious over injuries and illness.

As a child I'd be punished if I was injured as it made my mom have to assist one, without her getting great acknowledgement for it her hands would be so harsh and uncaring, hurting me more than the injury--- also I'd be ignored and chastized when I had the stomach flu, ear infections and strep throat. I felt shameful and unloveable and thought I was bad.

I had gestational diabetes,(I was 22 and way under weight) I didn't want anyone to know I had it-- felt like I was so bad. I hid when testing my blood-sugar levels, four times a day. I have thyroid disease and have to take meds the rest of my life-- feel so self-conscious if anyone sees me taking my medication.

---- Now I understand-- I'M NOT BAD for being sick or getting injured-- am I!! I've never thought anyone else was bad when they would be sick or injured, though I did get nervous--I just considered myself to be bad--

seems like such an easy thing to figure out-- why didn't I realize this years ago

Hope it's OK I shared this.....worry about putting myself "out there"...... haven't started a thread in a long time--- pushing the envelope!!-- yikes

Wish you all a good day and inner healing

mandy

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seems like such an easy thing to figure out-- why didn't I realize this years ago

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> why? well because you weren't ready yet. either earlier this year or late last year we realized that not everyone resents themselves and that to us was a lights, trumpets and angels moment ::cue up the harps:: seemed like the biggest "duh!" to us but our mind, up until that point, wasn't ready to handle or understand that idea.

glad you made the connection. as to what to do with it? you'll figure that out when you're ready again.

well done and take it easy after figuring out such a huge piece of your puzzle.

thanks for your kind words _zh.

Sounds like you had a great "Ah-Ha!" moment too. That's wonderful!! .... and what an important thing to realize: "not everyone resents themselves "

funny how I seem to feel on edge now....kind of nervous and yet relieved at the same time. Like finding the forbidden cookie jar when one is literally starving...... maybe the revelation is something I wasn't supposed to find, but it's something I really needed.-- if that makes sense...

think I will heed your advice-- and take it easy for a bit.

Thank you
mandy

Great revelation and I have a lot of that in common.

Thanks wisewoman, and sorry you have a lot of that in common, I figured you might.

I wish you inner healing.

mandy

Mandy

Thank you Fuzzy.

mandy

I agree, you weren't ready to understand before. This, to me, isn't dwelling in the past. This is why you shouldn't dwell on the past, it frees you up to begin to find what is important from the past.

You did good.

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<center><font color="orange">Welcome to PsychCentral! You've come to a good place in your life.</font></center>

Thank you Sky.

It is confusing though to me just what is "dwelling" in ones past
and what is working through ones past...

is there a fine line difference??? ......

maybe it's --- if one progresses(finding understanding and/or closure) when experiencing the past then that isn't dwelling?? .... not sure..

mandy

(((((((((((( sweet mandy ))))))))))))))

I agree that you weren't ready to see that before...with that type of insight, clarity and awareness. It's truly an amazing feeling yes? Something you've always known but it's so new and means so much!!!

You've been handed a piece of the puzzle. When you're ready still, you'll know where to place it (if you don't already).

Respect and absolute understanding on this one.

KD

Hmm, dwelling is oh no this and that happened and boo hoo. Working is this and that happened and I think it affected me this way and I can't even say outloud about this other thing but learning to say it out loud, see how you may be affected today and try to work toward living in today. Make sense?

"it is confusing though to me just what is "dwelling" in ones past and what is working through it"

I understand!! And I think your point about finding understanding and hopefully closure is correct

Thank you for your kindness Kimmy.

It's hard to comprehend why/how there's a RIGHT time for someone to "get" something, something that is damaging in their life. You'd think it should happen right after or near after the fact-- for preservation sake, odd how it doesn't work that way though........

Your respect is much appreciated-- especially as my anxiety gradually escalates with the idea of opening up by sharing an inner thought

At the same time though, it gives me a kind of warm feeling to know some understand this so well, reinforces the idea trying to "blossom" in my mind that being abused as a child doesn't mean I'm a bad person-- as others that experienced abuse aren't bad-- so why would being an awful person only pertain to me....... it could be that I'm like many others-- NOT bad-- just hurt, scared and doing my best on this ever winding path of life.

and that puzzle piece--well, think I put it in it's proper place.

mandy

Thank you ever so much wisewoman, for making that more clear-- it does make sense now.

wisewoman-

Fuzzy--

thank you!

mandy

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mandyfins said:
Last night something just became so clear to me-- an understanding! Not sure what to do with it now--but at least I understan

--- ***this may be triggering for some??-- not sure***
---- Now I understand-- I'M NOT BAD for being sick or getting injured-- am I!! I've never thought anyone else was bad when they would be sick or injured, though I did get nervous--I just considered myself to be bad--

seems like such an easy thing to figure out-- why didn't I realize this years ago

mandy

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Yo should never feel guilty for being sick in any way...I think a lot of people don't understand illness, and maybe that is why they react in ways that are confusing.

I don't know your whole story...but I know that when people did not know how to react to me having PTSD, they would run away. I started to feel badly about it. But I don't try to hide it at all...Should I be uncomfortable around people with PTSD? Probably.

But look at it this way...you have the chance to help people understand what it is like to have been sick, and you can relate to others who have been sick...instead of allowing other who are ill to make you anxious...

Mandy - I just read this. I'm so sorry she was so uncaring toward you

No, you are NOT bad if you get sick or are injured. Many people are nurturing and comforting -- and would gladly nurture or comfort you now, even as an adult.

wow. reading your post reminded me that my mom was also very punishing to any of us kids for being sick or injured. She took it as a personal afront - as if we got ear aches on purpose ! She also would not take us to the Dr. unless she was convinced we were "really" sick. To her, it would be the worst thing in the world to go to the doctor and find out there was nothing wrong or that there was nothing to be done. When one of my kids complains of a sore throat and I know there is strep going around at school - I take them in for a throat swab. But I do feel anxious while sitting in the waiting room .. after reading your post it hit me that I have reacted similiarly in that taking my kids in to the doctor for other than well care checkups causes me anxiety.

And I'm always putting my checkups off to the very last - I worry that I might be wasting the Dr's time or something. As a result I usually suffer longer than necessary because I wait until I'm really really sick before making an appointment.

Thanks for posting - I learned something new about myself also.

Yack, I appreciate your reply. There's something I'd like to explain though--

I know one should not feel guilty for being sick or injured-- it goes much deeper than that simple understanding-- it's been ingrained in my very being (from childhood) that I was bad, a nuisance and unworthy of care when injured or sick-- it's like it became a part of the way my mind worked-- just like how you probably would get triggered by something(because of PTSD) that most people would not understand what the problem was. Unhealthy thoughts become "automatic" for those that experience abuse-- especially as a child. --- IMO.

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look at it this way...you have the chance to help people understand what it is like to have been sick, and you can relate to others who have been sick...instead of allowing other who are ill to make you anxious...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

this is something that will take some work for me.... not feeling anxious......
you have a good point-- perhaps if I look at as: I can offer them knowledge of what it's like to have a particular illness or injury.... and yea, I can also give them understanding as I relate to a common situation. I will keep these good points in mind-- thank you.

mandy

Thank you Lilith-- hearts are much appreciated

mandy

Thank you LMo.

I think you said a very wise thing here-- something that I need to keep repeating:
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Many people are nurturing and comforting -- and would gladly nurture or comfort you now, even as an adult.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
this is something I'm struggling to realize-- I'm working on it though... it's a tough one!!

mandy

Peanuts, that's incredible-- maybe our mothers are clones!!!??!

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my mom was also very punishing to any of us kids for being sick or injured. She took it as a personal afront - as if we got ear aches on purpose !

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yes, seems like to my mom it was a reflection on how flawed some of her offspring could be. You see, my mom had one "prize" daughter and one "prize" son, which furthered my feelings of unworthiness as I saw she was able to give some kind of nurturance -- just not to us "unprized" ones.

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And I'm always putting my checkups off to the very last - I worry that I might be wasting the Dr's time or something. As a result I usually suffer longer than necessary because I wait until I'm really really sick before making an appointment.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oh my Gosh-- ME TOO!!!!!!!!

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Thanks for posting - I learned something new about myself also.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Wow-- I hadn't thought of my post helping someone to learn about themself-- thank you for telling me that-- sure makes posting feel a lot better!!

Peanuts-

mandy

And my mom has a "favorite" or "prized" daughter as well. The rest of us are "marginal". Now that we are all grown the favored treatment is not as much - or perhaps it doesn't sting as much as when we were all kids. The favored daughter had to have braces on her teeth because she inherited bad genes for teeth (meaning not her fault). While my other less favored sister had to have braces because she sucked her thumb (meaning she did it on purpose).

My mom could not handle if any of us had the stomach flu - especially if you up-chucked in bed - god forbid you did that. For me it is nerve wracking being around anyone who is sick to their stomachs. I will have to work on my reactions to that with my own kids - I would hate to do to them what was done to me.

I am also going to try and do a better job of taking care of myself by keeping my app't no matter what else is going on. I wouldn't postpone an app't for one of the kids so I shouldn't postpone for myself either.

Good stuff to think about.

That is really something your mom had a "prized" daughter too! It has caused anomosity with us siblings in my family. Maybe because, the thing is, she's carried it over to the grandchildren-- the "prized" offspring have the "prized" grandchildren-- which has also resulted in cousins not caring for each other. While my mom would have the prized daughter's children for the weekend and pamper them for their birthdays-- the not-prized grandchildren didn't even get an appearance of grandmother at their birthday parties.
It's still going on just like when we were all little-- argh!!

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My mom could not handle if any of us had the stomach flu - especially if you up-chucked in bed - god forbid you did that. For me it is nerve wracking being around anyone who is sick to their stomachs. I will have to work on my reactions to that with my own kids - I would hate to do to them what was done to me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yep, my mom was the very same! And I really commend you to work on that so your children won't feel the way you did. I've done the same too-- I don't get upset with my kids when they're sick.(hope they can't sense my anxiety though- )

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I am also going to try and do a better job of taking care of myself by keeping my app't no matter what else is going on. I wouldn't postpone an app't for one of the kids so I shouldn't postpone for myself either.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> That sounds wonderful!!!..... one thing though--- how about taking out the word "try", that way it WILL BE something you are going to do!

Good luck to you Peanuts!

mandy