need to vent... and to get ou of here!!!!

My brother abused and raped me in every imaginable way when I was 9-13... he was 13-17. I'm 29 now but still live at home because I only work part time, hoping to change that soon.
I have to face my brother every sunday when he comes with his girlfriend and son for family lunch. Every time I handle it by drinking, not ideal, my T is not happy about it, but I don't know what else to do.

Well he also came home for Christmas eve, and the whole evening went wrong. First of all, I had set the table so that I'd be diagonally across the table from my brother, not ideal, but at least I could try not to look at him to much and especially not touch him in any way. Well even though his girlfriend knows, she switched the places with him, so I had to spend the evening sitting next to my brother. I tried to ignore it but just couldn't...

And basically the whole evening no matter what I would do or say on of them would say answer in hurtful way. Like saying they'd rather not have spent a dime on my present. (Because it's a concert ticket and they don't like the band), or calling me an alcoholic. Or calling me fat, an alcoholic, and so on... Of course no one intervened, so I didn't say anything as I didn't want to be responsible for ruining the evening. But when they left first thing I said was: I'm done, they won't see me at their New Year's Eve party! If i can't celebrate at my friend's house, I'll stay home alone.
After that I spent part of the night crying until i finally fell asleep.

Yesterday they came again for Christmas dinner. And at one point during dinner they were insulting me again. As they were the only guests this time I finally said something. I actually asked them if I could say or do anything without having them put me down. And for the first time ever my mom intervened and told them that they say really hurtful things to me and her and that they should take care what they say. Well my brother's girlfriend almost started crying and said she doesn't feel welcome here.... Hello? You know you come here with a rapist! How can you hope to feel welcome? If I was you I would never a set a foot in this house with him!!!
That argument went on for a little while until they finally left.

Again I spent the night crying, considering self-harming and suicide. Couldn't do it because of my friends and my T. Fell asleep around 6 am and spent the whole day in bed, trying to read, play online games and somehow recover... Haven't heard anything from them and not sure I want to.

Now I'm trying to figure out what my next step should be, I can't live like this anymore! I just can't.... I wish I could afford moving out, but even if I did, I don't think I'm ready to live on my own... I need structure to do anything else than staying in bed all day... but most of all I need to get out of here! First time I recognize it this bad...

sorry for being this long...

I don't know what to say except that I'm sorry that all of that happened to you. Try and stay safe.

I'm sorry that your brother did those things to you. In my opinion he should be in jail for what he did. You should never be made to be around him or his rude girlfriend. I'm so sorry!

Thanks for your support!

I know he should be in jail, but I never had the support I needed to report him and now it's too late...

I'm so sorry Jordy

it's ok... all I can do now is take care of myself as good as I can. I wish I could see my T soon, but I wont before january 6th in group setting, and january 17th one on one.

I'm actually considering writing her a letter about all this it giving it to her at the end of the skills group. But that would be a first for me, and I worry about her reaction.

I think it would be a good thing. Then she can help you deal with it.

I think she would be happy that I'm finally opening up about these things, but I'm really scared to do so...

Anyway, I have to get ready for work now! I'm almost late.

Have a great day!

I think if I were in your position, when the brother came around I would simply go to my room or go somewhere. There is NO reason to be around him. Is there a friend you could stay with? Hugs, Nicole

P.S. There is no reason to listen to anyone abusing you. The first sign of abuse.....walk away. Do not listen to it. you can contact RAINN (rape abuse help); I have heard excellent things about them. It is difficult to find boundaries, but you need to have them. A good book is Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. The book that saved my life (after 31 years of abuse): The Verbally Abusive Relatiionship by Patricia Evans. In other words if someone started throwing rocks at you, you would run away, and that is what abuse is....someone throwing rocks, words of abuse at you. Do NOT stay around and listen to it....and responding to abuse just validates they craziness and lies. Protect yourself.

Jordy-

First and MOST importantly you need to forgive. I know that this is incredibly hard but I want to share something with you. I was molested by my cousin when I was younger and much like you it went on for several years. I harbored hate, resentment and allowed every family event to be an event that required days of preparation mentally to attend. He however had moved on in life married and had children. I was the only one suffering. About 6 years ago I attended a program in central Georgia where they discussed forgiveness. As they spoke I thought in my mind that I would not give him the satisfaction to forgive...HOWEVER then they went on to explain that forgiveness is not for them it is in fact for you. You are always going to be hurt as an ordeal such as yours will never just wash away...but you dont have to continue to be scared and angry...that is the part where you will get punished. Look at him...he has moved on and gotten married and had a child while you are still down and out. Pick your head up look him in his face and tell him I forgive you...not for you but for me! You will no longer make me afraid or angry and I am going to live everyday for the rest of my life for me!!! He has been the Coach of the game and you the player for quite sometime...it is time to switch roles!!!! Take back your happiness and go get what life has to offer. Best of Luck to you!

I'm staying at a friend's house tonight, so I'll be safe for the night. They offered me to stay longer, but I can't accept... At least I'm celebrating New Year's Eve with them too!

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I've tried forgiving him, I try letting all of this go... but I just can't!
I see him on a weekly basis, I always try to make the best of it instead of fleeing, but when he keeps calling me names, hitting me with his son's toys and basically hurting me without me even saying a word against what am I supposed to do?
I can't let him hurt me indefinetely... There's one point where he just has to stop if he wants me to be able to forgive.and considering how much he hurt me lately I doubt that will happen anytime soon.

I come from a very similar background and lived in it for 33.5 years.

Whether you feel you can make it on your own or not, the only way to escape it is to just go.

That's what I finally did 20 years ago. Had I not, I most likely wouldn't even be here today.

I severed all contact, legally changed my name and moved away.

Except for one attempt to reconnect with a sister (which ended with her betraying my trust), I now have absolutely NO CONTACT with anyone from my past whatsoever.

It hasn't been easy, but with good therapy and a strong will to survive, I'm still here and doing pretty darn good in spite of it all.

It's a shame your mother chooses to protect your abuser instead of you, and I'm sorry you've had to endure this for so long.

I hope you're able to get away before too much longer because the longer you stay in it the more damaging it will be.

There's nothing like walking through that door at the end of the day and having no unpleasant surprises waiting on the other side.

I wish you the best!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

first thing ....it is never too late to report rape!
second, now your mum has backed you up against your brother, try talking to her, explain how the hurtful comments he makes affect you and how you do not want to be around him any longer, let her know you do not want her to choose between you, she can't, but that it would be best for you if she let you know when they are coming so you can make other arrangements so your path does not cross your brothers.

third...if they arrive unannounced, you have every right to walk out of the room and go to another part of the house or out for a walk. you do not have to stay in the room where he is just because he is there.

fourth... no one has the right to put you down or make you feel how they do...you are better than them, remember you are a survivor, that is something he will never be!

be strong and focus on the day you will be able to stand on your own two feet and move out. x

Pfrog: I know I should move out, and will try to do so...

Yellowted: Believe me here it's too late to report rape. I suspected it after reading up on this and my T confirmed it.

My mom only backed me up against my brother's girlfriend, when I started vaguely mentioning the abuse, she didn't say a word... the subject was immediately changed as if that didn't matter at all. They never come unannounced, but until this event I believes I had to spend time with them as he's still family... going as far as spending holidays with him. I don't even know if I love or hate him... I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, or how I'm supposed to behave around him...

I slowly start realizing how wrong his behaviour is. On friday night when staying at my friend's I went to the bathroom. When I came out I overheard my friend telling his wife how much it hurt him to see me like that... Then he told me to neer again stay in a situation like that one, that I'll always be welcomed and respected at his house. For the first time in ages I felt really loved...

Hey Jordy,

Have you tried spending your weekends with Jordy??

It's so sad that your mom chooses to change the subject whenever it comes up instead of confronting your brother about it and standing up for you.

That only serves to further wound you because it's invalidating you and your experience.

In the meantime, Jordy, take as good care of yourself as you can ...

I agree with the other posters. Your friends have let you know that they are an ally and are offering you validation, support & a safe place to stay. Take them up on that.

I had good friends do this for me and I lived with them for two months until I could get a place of my own. It truly was a wonderful act of kindness and I'm most thankful for it to this very day.

Perhaps you could start going over to your friend's home the night before your brother is supposed to visit and not return to your mother's home until the day after he is gone?

That won't be such an overwhelming start and you can expand from there ...

There's no need to explain why to your mother or brother ... They already know who and what they are ... Your actions will speak louder than any words you could ever say to them!

I wish you good healing ...

Usually my brother only visits on sundays for the family lunch and is usually there for 3-4 hours. So there would be no need to sleep at my friend's house. Until now the main problem was that I didn't feel entitled to leave the house as it's supposed to be a family event. so I believe I absolutely had to be present at least most of the time. I am starting to doubt that... but on the other hand I hate the idea of having to leave the house. To me that makes it feel like I should be ashamed to be there and that it's all my fault, while he has all the rights... I know it 's wrong, but can't help it for now...

Will try and spend more time with my horses... and maybe in spring I'll start competing again with some of the school horses. That would definetely get me out of the house on sundays, and to be honest i miss competing! Too bad my own horses can't do it anymore...

Guess what? My brother didn't even show up today!!! First time ever we have absolutely no contact on NYE or NY day!
I guess I should be happy, but in a very sick way I'm afraid of missing him if he leaves my life...

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What do you mean by 'my T?'