This time of year...... (dont read if you trigger easy please)

is not a good time of year for me. I love the holidays dont get me wrong. Its just that my mind wont let go of the bad things that happened more than 20 years ago. So it is this time of year i become more clingy to my hubby...I feel like I need to be with him at all times. I dont like being left alone!! Being left alone was when it all started. My mom left me alone because I was sick and she needed to go to work. I was 9!!!! Staying at home alone. That is until he came home and decided that he would take advantage of the situation. My mom even came home and caught me in her bed with him!!!!! Why didnt she say anything!! Why didnt she question it????? She saw me in her bed and left me there to go back to work. Why????? I know I will never get the answers I want, I need. It was that day that I learned fear! I had a step dad before this one that molested me, but after the 2nd time I told my dad and begged him not to make me go home again. That step dad scared me. The abuse had started and ended in a matter of 3 weeks with my first step dad... but not this one!!!! You see he was an ex-marine, and ex-military police officer. He was at that time a DPS officer.. Why would they believe me over him??? they wouldnt!!!!! they didnt!!!!! This man put the power of fear in me that i have a hard time today shaking off!!!!

He told me that he would teach me how to please a man! He would teach me what it was that every man wanted. I was 9 and I only weighed about 45lbs if that!!!!! I will never forget the sound of my jaw popping as he forced my head down over him. my jaw hurt so bad, but he wouldnt let me quit!!!! not until he was finished.... when he finished I was sick.. Sick from having my jaw pop the way it did, sick from the taste of him in my mouth, sick because he was touching me and kissing me. just sick!!!! I was sick to my stomach. I ran to the bath room throwing up and throwing up! He convinced my mom that I must have a stomach bug or something. I tried to tell her but I couldn't. He hovered over me. He threatened to take my mother away... he threatened to make my life hell if I ever told! he took every opportunity to touch me or make me give him oral sex that he could!!! If I fought back he would just hold me down!!!! He would beat me for fighting back and then make up a story to tell my mother as to why I had brusies. like I lied to him when I hadnt, or that I did something that I didnt do!!!!

I lived in fear for 8 years, never knowing when he would pull his little stunts.. he even went as far as to make me promise to let him be the first one I had sex with! Thank god that never happened.

Here I am 29 years old, I was 17 when he last touched me. I finally took a stand and told him that if he ever touched me again I would kill him and I meant every word of it! At times I can still smell the smells, taste the tastes. I still freak out when I am alone. I cant handle being by myself!

I am sorry if this post rambles on and on!!! i just had to get it out today for some reason!!!!

I'm sorry this happened to you Mel. At the risk of sounding weird or insensitive though, I think it's great you are able to get it out. I can feel your pain and anger and horror through your post and I admire it. It takes courage and strength to allow yourself to feel and remember. I haven't gotten there yet for myself -- a little bit, but not nearly all, and not for a long time now.

I think it is OK to cling to what is safe and loved now and I'm sure your hubby is OK with it too.

Safe ((((hugs)))) and PM if you want or need to talk -- I listen pretty well, even if I don't always have all the right answers.



Candy

I know your pain, my angel! {{{{{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}}}}}}}}








It's good to get it out, talk it out, bring it out in the light. He can't hurt you anymore! You are safe, now!

Thanks guys, I am glad that you guys are here for me. there are days that the memories and feelings are stronger than others... i guess today just must be one of those days!!!

Thanks for caring about me!!!!!

((((((( mrb ))))))

That is just horrifying!!!!!!!!! I'm so sorry you have to know this kind of pain...

Thanks Tanya!

(((((((((((( mrb )))))))))))))))

im so sorry there are such cruel people in the world and you had to suffer because of one of them. you did not deserve it. he deserves pain, not you. be gentle with yourself

Dear Mel,
I feel your pain..... I lived your life...Lilith

I am so sorry for what you have had to suffer with and endure all this time.

I am so glad that you have your husband and that he is there to support you.

Sending you gentle hugs and soothing thoughts.

Hello I hope you are doing better at this time. I sincerely feel that you should call your Dr and therapist and let them help you at this time. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well, and sometimes you need help with medication adjustments and therapeutic techniques to cope with traumatic events. PTSD is a very traumatic thing to go through emotionally, and you are really having a hard time at this time, that can be helped by being honest with your Dr and therapist. I am going to leave you some hotline numbers for incest 1-800-7VOICE8 and 1-800-273-TALK if you would like to talk to someone about your concerns. NAMI and DBSA also offer good support groups in your area, and they can be found on the internet. I hope you feel better soon. I hope the best for you and your family. Take care sincerely Soidhonia

{{{{mrb}}}}

Know you are in my thoughts and prayers in hopes you will find some peace during this time of year (and always too). I'm glad you have a good husband who understands and is there for you. That can make all the difference in the world for you.

May I make a suggestion? It's possible you already do this, so please forgive me if I'm off base here. Holidays are a bit of a trigger for me also, so what I started doing was to plan each year, something special for myself and my family. Something that I could look back on years to come and have good memories of these times. Even though I never forgot the bad things, in time, I was able to concentrate on the good and put the bad to rest (for the most part anyways).

I wish you well!

Hugssssssss
Jean

((**((**mrb023077 **))**))

please keep me in your thoughts... Friday is going to be a bad day for me and I can feel it coming! I am trying to fight it off, i am trying hard.. I just need some positive things to think about.

I had cold chills reading that. I'm soo sorry you had to go through this. Thinking of you....