My story...finally (dont read if you trigger easily...)

Ive decided i need to tell my story now
When i wasnt born my father brutally beat and raped my mother when they were already married
to change my father she had me
we had nothing no food not many clothes...it went to beer
it didnt change him...my mother ran away after he stole all our money
we were homeless and went to her mothers house in another state
he threatened to kill us if we didnt go back to him
my mother filed for divorce and i was forced to visit him every once a month in the summer
he would scream in my face, shake me, tell me lies, he even held me there against my will
i couldnt go to the bathroom i was forced to hold it for at least a week (causing intestinal problems)
back home mom remarried, a nurse, i lived at babysitters, she wanted nothing to do with me, i reminded her of him
most of the babysitters abused me, one tried to take me and i remember her pretending to breast feed me (i was 5 or 6 yrs)
my mother hates me now, my stepdad used to hit me, my mother said i deserved it, no body believed me and told me it was teenage rebellion, i have been cutting for 6 years now, my father calls me when hes drunk a million times, my mother will avoid my calls, she always told me i was her biggest mistake, ive been thrown out in the snow in shorts and a tank, told never to come back, and then the police get called and im the "runaway" ive been hit with remotes, my stepdad flung a table at the wall and tried to hit me with the side where all the nails were, all of my stuff has been destroyed by them, i finally got away in the arms of a wonderful man, but they haunt me, there is so much more to the story, my mother even gave me back my baby pictures, she said she didnt want them, what i hate the most..i tried to get help from people...somehow people always thought i was asking for it, that i was rebellious, when all i wanted to do was read...everyone told me i was lucky, i know my problems arent that bad compared to everyone else...i must have deserved some of it at least i guess...now i cant stop cutting...ive started hearing voices...im afraid of the dark..i dont remember everything my bf says i probably hid alot of the rest away...that conciously i dont remember but inside i do...i dont know...my nightmares consist of being raped by everyone including my mother...i have tried sucide...im just not that kind of person...im dying inside...i feel worthless and useless...i feel bad im sorry i had to get that out..sorry for wasting any space Thank you

Wow. That must have been absolutely awful. You did NOT deserve any of that kind of treatment. No child no matter how bad deserves that. I hope you find a way to get your mind to remember that you do not deserve to be raped, lied to, shaken and especially not forced to hold his/her pee for extended periods of time. I am tempted to repeat that you don't deserve this kind of treatment over and over again. But, I hope that you will try to tell yourself that over and over again.

thank you...i am glad someone feels that way for me....
i have never experienced that before other than once (my bf)...
i dont want people to feel like im trying to get attention...so im going to say i dont think i was raped...though i honestly dont remember it all...those were my dreams....it sure did feel real though...
thank you again...now i just have to make myself believe i didnt/dont deserve that...
my heart is with you
by the way ...im a girl

My goodness...I am amazed at your strength! here you are, after surviving such a life, working on healing... what an inspiration!

I hope you do know that it was never about you.. that it was their sick, selfishness... and that nothing you endured was your fault.... I hope you let go of any shame you may feel...and know that you are loved and valued...

Talking it out helps alot so please share as much as you are able.. but be gentle with yourself...

here with you.. Faithis ALive

Hugs for you!! I totally agree with what the others have posted. You did NOT DESERVE that abuse!! I admire the fact that you are here with us and have made such a terrible situation. To tell one's life tramautic story takes a lot of courage. Whenever u need to chat send me a pm. You are in my prayers. Keep your Head UP!! You did nothing wrong! You deserve a fresh start, allow yourself to get a fresh start in life. Are you seeking any therapy services? That can help with your nightmares and the voices. Best of luck to you.

thank you all for your support....no im not in therapy...first, not enough money, what money i do have and will get needs to go to medical, my health is going downhill and i dont know why, and my mother made it very clear to me if i ever sought therapy she would see me as a weak spineless person (please, i dont feel that way at all...you all are very strong and very brave...thats just what my mother told me)
im hoping the voices go away...mainly its at night so...hopefully if they at least stay there ill be ok

My heart goes out to you and I am deeply sorry for what you had to endure. I, too, couldn't afford therapy, but because of my low income, there was counselling help offered free through the government. Get a phone book and start calling around in government agencies. It is worth a try and having someone to talk to to help you separate, reorganize and deal with thoughts will help you immensley. Thankyou for sharing. You deserve 100 times better.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Inacorner}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Ohh honey, you touched my heart, I'm so so sorry you had to endure all these horrible things. Not humanbeing should go thru that.
You didn't ask for it, for some bizarre reason all these happened to you, I wish I could take your pain away. My prayers and thoughts going your way.
PMme anytime~

thank you so much
i do realize how lucky i am and how so many people have it worse than me...
maybe it cant be that bad
God Bless

It is truly a horror story!!! If you cannot afford therapy, you can always go to your local church... or any church close enough for that matter, and find out if someone there can help you with counseling. Where I live, it was the first help i got... I didn't want my parents to know that I had 'problems' so I went to our minister.

You need to talk to someone... you need some TLC and I wish I could give you a great big hug in real life!!! But for now....

((((((InACorner)))))

PS... don't say that it is not that bad... every person's own problems are the biggest to them because they see it close up... you are entitled to think you have problems, don't think of it as nothing.. it is something!!!!!!!!!!! And you need to deal with that something!

what happened to you is truly bad. No one deserves that kind of abuse. .You don't need to feel that it isn't important enough. It happened and it is important. You are really strong to have posted it here. Thats a lot of courage. You matter! No one should treat a dog like that let alone a human being. As children we are intitled to freedom from fear, intitled to safety, intitled to food and clothing, and a home , warmth and support. You do too. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise and if that means getting help do what you need to do. Ignore the emotional blackmail. Hope gentle healing comes your way. courage award

thank you justapixie
actually i did try my priest awhile back but in fact, ironically enough, he thought it was my fault and i was lying. See my step dad was his originally parishoner and me and my mom came into the picture, so i guess its easy to believe the RN who goes to church regulary while his step child is "acting out"

thank you froggie2 you are very nice
((((((((((hugs to you if thats ok))))))))))0

I'm sorry you had to run into a brick wall with your priest... maybe a church that don't know your parents??? I can understand that after a while you just get fed up with trying and failing all the time.....

But keep at it... it is important in the end.... and you know it!

(((((((( InACorner )))))))))))

You are very welcome.